My Time in NC

I am SO glad I decided to come here! Just the 2 days I have spent here have provided me with so much rest as well as clarity. I am honestly not really excited to go back to Philly, but I feel ready...and I'll be back here in a few weeks anyway. :)

I guess I should tell you a little bit about last week since I am sure many of you are wondering what would send me on a random trip to NC. Well, last week was our Teen Leadership Camp, which is run by my home church from Roanoke, VA. In case you haven't guessed by now, it was a rough week. In the end, though, it was an amazing week as well.

The camp director joked at the end of the week that he now equates my phone number with 911; if there was an emergency, I was called. I was verbally attacked, gossiped about constantly, and regularly disrespected by the teens. I also had to step in literally every day to mediate disputes between teens, squelch gossip and enforce rules that several teens felt did not apply to them. I was often the only leader able to enforce the rules, but in turn also became the butt of jokes and rumors. It was rough.

There were also a lot of amazing things that happened. In the midst of all the struggle, several teens rose above what their peers were involved in and they stepped up in amazing ways. One teen, P, is usually extremely quiet and reserved when she is around, which isn't often. Last week we saw her open up a lot, to the point of even deciding to go on the mission trip with us this year. I also saw several teens who started the week involved in the gossip and arguing, come to repentance and by the end of the week were speaking truth into their brothers and sisters. It was a rough week for all of us, but it was also a week of incredible growth and maturing for many...including me.

So, I have no regrets and I truly believe that last week was really about opening our eyes to the intense spiritual battle going on. And man is it intense.

On Wednesday I honestly didn't think I would make it through the rest if the week and sat in Carisa's house crying, with the only words I could speak being "its so bad. its just so bad". I felt attacked, beaten up and bruised. But I did make it.

And then I came to NC to rest, ask the Lord some questions and hopefully hear the answers in the midst of the peace instead of chaos.

My parents have an amazing new house that I am completely in love with. There is a porch swing on the front that I spent a good amount of time on today, and a screened in back porch that I spent most of the morning on. Its quiet, beautiful and exactly what I needed.

Now, onto what I have been learning:

1) I need to sleep more. I go periods of time where I don't get much sleep, then I'll take a few days to sleep a lot. That's not really how my body is supposed to work, so I go through much of my life sleep deprived. That's not good.

2) Throughout last week I started to question (once again) what role I, as a woman, should really play in ministry, especially in terms of being on the "front lines". For the last several months I have been feeling God placing me on the front lines, and even had several people refer to me as being on the front lines. Last week, I didn't want to be there. So, I started to wonder if I should be there.

During the week, I texted a friend of mine (who is in the military), "I now understand why women aren't allowed to fight on the front lines. The battle is too brutal".

His response: "I disagree. I know several women who can handle it even better than some men. Plus, bombs and missiles don't discriminate".

He was talking about actual war, but I heard the Lord in his words. I believe that some women are called to fight on the front lines, and right now I am one of them. Besides, whether I'm on the front lines or not, the enemy does not hold back simply because I am a woman, so I need to always be ready to fight.

3) I need to make some decisions in the coming months about where my ministry focus will be. My official job title is "Children's Ministry Director", and I have come to love that job (which I would have NEVER expected, even just a year ago). However, I am also the only female leader seriously involved with teens. I can't do both. Last week the kids suffered as my attention was so focused on the teens. During other weeks, the teens severely suffer because I focus my attention on the kids.

At this point there isn't anyone to take my place with either group, which to me simply means I need to look to the Lord for direction and a solution. So, that's what I am beginning to do.

4) I believe the Lord is calling me into a time of studying His word; I mean really studying. I tend to read His word and get little nuggets here and there. The only time I really search His word is when I am seeking an answer to a specific question; like "should I leave Philly?" In those times I will spend serious time searching. The rest of the time, I just casually read.

I believe that God wants to show me answers to questions I'm not even asking yet, and the only way He can do that is if I search. The verse: "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 6:8), has been running through my head constantly.

So, I am carving out "study" time in my day. I'm not trying to learn Greek, or memorize verses. I'm not looking for a bible college or seminary understanding of the word. This will be different from my quiet time, which usually includes prayer as well as reading scripture and journaling. This time will be simply to open the Word and seek whatever He wants to show me.

He is drawing me into Him and seeking to reveal more of Himself to me, if I would simply take the time to look and listen. That's what I want to do.


Finally, I think the biggest thing I learned from last week is the truth of Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength".

This summer has been HARD. I have faced physical, emotional and spiritual struggle and even trauma. But I'm still standing.


*My time in NC has also been fun with my family. My uncle Steve came to visit today to be tested to see if he is a bone marrow match for my dad. (We won't know the results for a few days). I haven't seen him in several years and had a blast spending time with him. I've also really enjoyed time with my parents, laughing and talking a lot. I fly back to Philly tomorrow, but before I do I also get to have dinner with my friend Brooke. I'm really excited about that!!