What a Sunday!

On Sunday I went to church late...on purpose. I didn't go to Sunday School because I knew that the wedding would be the big topic of conversation. I just wasn't ready for that. So, I came in just before the service started and one of my God's Girls pulled me aside because she needed to talk. We went to our Sunday School room and she shared with me some of the things that she is struggling with and we talked through them. I felt SO inadequate, but listened and did the best could to encourage her. I felt very encouraged as she shared with me that I am one of the few people that she feels comfortable talking to. As we walked into the church for the service I was thanking God for giving me a good start to the morning and reminding me that He is always working, even when I am struggling.

Since we came into the service late we decided to stay in the back for worship. Linda and Bonita spent the night with their mom on Saturday and they were supposed to meet me at church that morning. I looked around the sanctuary to try and find them and didn't see them. As I was getting my phone out to call them, I saw Rocky, Bonita and Linda come in the door across the room. And, behind them were Mac and Pac!! I hadn't seen them since the beginning of the summer before they left to spend the summer in Lancaster, PA. I was SO excited to see them!!

Next to Mac was a tall, very handsome looking young guy and my first thought was, "Wow, they brought a friend to church. That's awesome!". A few seconds later I realized I recognized him; it was Guapo, Linda and Bonita's oldest brother (and my oldest godson)!! (Not his real name, of course. He is the oldest boy that lived with me several years ago. He just turned 19, so a little too old to be living with me. I see him all the time, but I can't remember the last time he came to church! Incidentally, Guapo is handsome in Spanish, and he is definitely growing up to be such a handsome man!).

I couldn't believe he was in church and I literally ran to hug him. And yes, I started crying a little. I just love him SO much and miss getting to see him all the time. He has had a few wandering year recently, but I know God is still at work!!

What an amazing Sunday! ALL my kids were back at church (except for the girls' middle brother), and I didn't have to bribe any of them to come. They all came on their own!! I couldn't help but praise God after that excitement!!

I had to lead children's church, so I didn't get to talk to any of them until after the service. On my way downstairs to get ready for children's church, Bella pulled me aside and gave me a big hug. It was so sweet, but kind of random so I asked her what it was for. She said, "Because you're the best friend I've ever had". Yeah, the tears started to well up again. What a day!!

After church I decided we definitely needed to go out to lunch to celebrate everyone being together again, but first I wanted to some pictures. Thankfully, my friend Kirsten was there and she is an awesome photographer. She took pictures of everyone, and then edited them to look amazing!! Here are some of my favorites! (Most of the pics are of the boys since they were the special guests!)

In case you are a little confused about who I am talking about (especially if you know the kids by their real names and my fake ones confuse you); here is a little tutorial picture for you:

Me and all my boys: :)

See what I mean by handsome?!?

Being silly (with our friend Dom at the top):

And my favorite one...

Haha, I think this pretty much expresses our relationship perfectly. :) We did get a sweet one together too though:

Yeah, no doubt. God is good.

They Are Married!

What a wedding! It wasn't the biggest, or the most extravagant...but it was full of so much love and Holy Spirit it felt like the wedding of the century! It was amazing!

And I'm still in awe that I got to be a part of it. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get over it. As I sat in the room on Friday (at the rehearsal dinner) listening to them share about each of the people in their bridal party, I thought, "I don't belong here". Seriously, I just let Emily sleep on my couch on the weekends; that does not put me in the league of people that have had such an impact on their lives. Still, I consider it a HUGE honor to have been a part of their amazing day!

Friday was spent getting the sanctuary ready for the wedding, having the rehearsal and then the ladies spending the night at a hotel laughing and joking together until the early morning. I didn't really know any of the other bridesmaids very well (some not at all), but they are all awesome women of God and I had a blast with them!

Saturday was an extremely long, and extremely wonderful day. It rained off and on, which meant that we couldn't go outside to take pictures, but that was all it affected. The ceremony was so wonderful, I can't even describe it. They were so focused on the Lord and their love for Him (which pretty much describes their entire relationship). They even got a (much deserved!) standing ovation as they walked back down the aisle as man and wife. It was such a beautiful day. (I know I keep saying that; its so true its worth repeating a few times).

I woke up at 6:00 a.m., the wedding started at 1:30 and I didn't get home until almost 8. The ceremony and the reception were both held in the sanctuary and I'm still amazed at how hard everyone worked to make it all happen. We even got everything taken down, cleaned up and then set up for church the next day. A lot of people worked very hard, and it was awesome!

I got to get dressed up (something I actually do enjoy every once in a while), wear make up and jewelry and other than being terrified that I was going to trip and fall, I felt beautiful. Yup, I actually felt beautiful. That doesn't happen very often. :)

(This is the only picture I have of me at the wedding so far since the official pictures aren't out yet. My friend Elizabeth took this as I walked by her...you can at least get the idea). :)

In all, well there just aren't enough adjectives to describe how wonderful the day was. This couple loves the Lord, His radiance shines through them. They are such a testimony to His goodness and faithfulness, and will continue to be throughout their married life. I'm excited for them to come home from their honeymoon, we miss them already!

And now for the confession; I struggled A LOT throughout this wedding. I debated not talking about this at all on my blog, but I have always been very honest here and I don't want to change that now. I know that there are other single women that read this, and I know how encouraged I am when I realize that I'm not the only one who struggles. So, I will continue to be honest, no matter how embarrassing it it.

I love this couple so much, and my struggle is NOT in wishing it was me and not them. I can't think of two people who deserve happiness more than these two.

But I wonder why I still have to wait. (A question I will probably never get an answer to. I understand that, but it doesn't stop me from asking, haha). When I moved to Philly, Jonerik was still in high school. Now he's married, and I'm still waiting.

This wedding was the 11th time I have been a bridesmaid. But, its been about 4 years since the 10th time. Four years ago I was 25 and still perfectly content being single. Being a bridesmaid then left me full of so much hope, excited for when I would get to experience my own wedding day. I don't know if its because I'm knocking on the door of 30, because I'm sort of a single mom now, or because I have VERY few single friends left in my life (at least ones that aren't 5 or more years younger than me), but the excitement has faded and is being replaced with a lot of questions. And the only answer I have to any of them is; wait.

I did not expect to be in this wedding. PLEASE understand how humbled, excited and incredibly blessed I was to be a part of this wedding. I would not have traded that for ANYTHING. But, being in the wedding only magnified my struggles. I didn't just watch the couple on the stage, praise God for His unending love and faithfulness along with them and then head out when things became a little too much for me (like most of the weddings I have been to over the past few years). This time I was there for every story, nervous laugh, stolen kiss, genuine smile, and life changing moment.

It is possible to be so excited for someone else and praise the Lord for what He is doing in them and still be so hurt inside wondering if it will ever be your turn. I can honestly say that I did not want a single moment to be taken away from Jonerik and Emily and I was continually overjoyed to be a part of those moments, even as my own heart was breaking inside. That probably doesn't make any sense, but that's okay. The only thing I can compare it to would be a couple who is trying desperately to have their own child while rejoicing with others as they welcome new ones into the world. Its amazing to me that intense pain and overwhelming joy are NOT always mutually exclusive.

I made it through the entire rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, "bachelorette party", the getting ready, the praying, the actual ceremony and even the reception. Inside I was an absolute mess and contradiction of joy and pain, but on the outside I was happy and rejoicing with everyone. Until...the father daughter dance. How funny is that? I made it through the couple's first dance just fine. But, the father/daughter dance did me in. I was pretty frustrated too, haha, because that was almost the end. After the father/daughter dance, there was the mother/son dance and then the couple left for their honeymoon. I almost made it...

But, I didn't. I broke down. Thankfully, most people didn't notice until the mother/son dance started, and that dance was to a Boyz II Men song, so most people assumed that's why I was crying, haha. My friend Elizabeth understood, though, and spoke words of love and truth into my heart and I knew God understood my pain. Whether it was selfish or not, He understood and He cared.

I went home a mess and pretty much stayed that way all night. And Jesus was with me for every moment. I have no doubt that He was. He caught every tear and felt every gut wrenching cry. He understood, and He never left. Not even for a moment. And the pain didn't go away. It still hasn't. Its very much there, and I am very aware of it. And while I cry out for Him to take it away, I am not angry that He hasn't. It doesn't stop me from crying out though, which may be why its still there. I don't really know. I don't pretend to have any understanding of anything at this point. I just know that He is near. I know that for sure.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18

Quick Update

This week has been pretty busy and this weekend will be even busier, so I wanted to quickly let you know what's going on so you won't worry if you don't hear from me until Sunday or Monday.

I have had some really great conversations with some really great people in my life over the last few days and I am taking some really exciting things to prayer and really seeking the Lord. I will definitely share more soon, but please be praying as I do think God is asking for some leaps of faith!

The girls and I went out yesterday and got manicures and pedicures! No, I really couldn't afford it, but it was something none of us had ever done and we have a wedding to attend this weekend...and we're all overworked and stressed so I decided to go for it anyway. And it was so much fun! I don't have a camera and we forgot to bring Ashley's, so I don't have any pictures. Trust me though, our nails all look really pretty! :)

I already have my dress for the wedding (since I am a bridesmaid, haha) but the girls don't have anything. So, we are going shopping this afternoon for something nice for them. I am enjoying having some girly time with the girls. In fact, all of this actually led to an AWESOME conversation 2 nights ago about beauty and purity and the struggles that we all face. Linda was shocked when I shared with her that I face temptation too! She shared with me some of the pressures she is facing, all around her (like her sisters trying to get her to dress more sexy to show off her body. She's 14!!!!). I think it was freeing and encouraging to all of us.

Bonita and I have been butting heads a bit this week, but we are doing well now. That girl is stubborn!! I took her cell phone at God Squad on Monday and told her that she would need to sit down with me and have a calm conversation about what happened before she could get her phone back. She didn't get it back until LATE Tuesday night!! When she gets mad, she doesn't let go! We are really trying to work on obedience and respect for authorities, no matter how mad you get. What she doesn't realize is that I wrote the book on stubborn teens...

We have a wedding this weekend!! Two of my favorite people in the world are marrying each other and we get to go! In fact, I get to be a bridesmaid! (I'm still so shocked, humbled and excited that I was asked to be in the wedding!). It will be my 11th time as a bridesmaid, so I am inching my way to the 27 dresses. :) It going to be a pretty big wedding as most of the neighborhood knows this couple and loves them as much as I do. They are such an awesome example, both individually and as a couple, of God's incredible goodness!!

Hopefully I will have pictures to share after Saturday.

So, that's what's up. I am off to go shopping now, then THRiVE at the church, then Teen Club. Tomorrow will be work, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, fun (and appropriate!) bachelorette stuff. Then Saturday is the wedding!!!

Talk to you all again soon!

Expression

So, if you know me even a little bit, you know that I love the show "So You Think You Can Dance". When I say that I love it, I mean I LOVE it. I look forward to watching it every week, and yes, I do vote for my favorites each week as well. And, after the season is over, I go and see them on tour whenever they come near Philly. In fact, that's what the girls and I did on Thursday night!!

It was AWESOME! We had so much fun, and as usual, the show did not disappoint. The dances were amazing and the dancers were so much fun. We enjoyed every minute! (It was totally worth the 3.5 hours it took to get to Baltimore!).

After the show I started to think about the dancers. Not only are they all incredibly talented, they all really love dance. Over and over again I heard them talk about how they feel like they can truly express themselves when they dance. And, I could see what they meant. As I watched them dance, I was moved...pretty much every time. Some of the dances made me smile, some made me cry; but every time, I felt something. I was connecting with the dancers and I knew they were expressing something from deep within.

I have several friends that are extremely creative. They express themselves in music, creating beautiful pieces of art, graphic design, writing...so many ways.

I'm not good at any of those things. I don't really have any way to express myself, and its starting to frustrate me. Every once in a while words will come to be that will begin to express what I'm feeling, but more often than not I can't seem to find the right things to say or do. And, I feel like sometimes that leads to me being misunderstood.

I will probably share more about this later, as I try and find the words, but that's just kinda what's on my heart right now. Having to much to express, but no idea how. Hmm.

Whoa!!!

Okay, I had NO idea that its been this long since I updated my blog. I've been even busier than I thought! I'm sure this will be incomplete, but obviously anything that I don't remember to update you on is not very important. :)

First things first; I have fallen in love.


I spent last weekend visiting my friend Catherine, her husband Scott and their two kids; Ephraim and Elizabeth. :) Every time I visit my friends, my biggest fear is always that their kids wouldn't like me. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about with these kids! They love me almost as much as I love them!! I had an amazing visit, getting to hang out with my oldest friend (we've been friends since 1st grade! 23 years!!!) and glean a lot of wisdom from her and her husband. I felt so loved and taken care of! And of course, the icing on the cake... their AWESOME kids! I seriously had SO much fun playing with them and listening to Elizabeth's sweet giggles. I could have easily stayed a week! (Except, of course, I missed my girls a lot).

Other than that, most of life has just been normal, which means pretty busy. An update on all the craziness:

House: We have had tons of people come and see the house (close to 20 showings!) Its been on the market for about 2 months, and the realtor expected it to be sold in 1-3 months, so hopefully we will get an offer soon! Its still somewhat stressful to keep the house clean ALL the time. We are definitely ready to move!

Car: Still no car, so we're getting a lot more exercise. I've been looking at potential cars, but nothing can really happen until I sell my house. So, we keep waiting.

Health: I wore a 24 hour heart monitor (also known as a halter monitor) all day yesterday and I turned it in this morning. I have a doctor's appointment next week to go over the results from my blood tests and the halter monitor. More waiting. :)

The Girls: Cyber School is still going well! Its still a lot of work for all of us and in some ways we are still adjusting to the schedule. Mainly, the self-paced classes are difficult to balance. But, we're getting there.

AIM: BUSY. That's about all I can say about that. I am extremely busy.

Ministry: We had 83 kids at Kids Club last night! And 30 of them were visitors! It was insane and AWESOME! We had 18 kids at Prayer Pals tonight, including several new pals. THRiVE has started (our after-school program that is run mainly by Philadelphia Biblical University students) and the kids are loving it. We had the God Squad retreat this past weekend and it was probably the best retreat I have ever been a part of! Things are, of course, not always perfect, but I am really loving ministry right now!

I think that's about it. See why I haven't updated in a while? Its pretty much life as usual. Well, until tomorrow night when the girls, Ashley and I are traveling to Baltimore to see So You Think You Can Dance LIVE!!!! Its all of our favorite show and we are SO EXCITED! Its also the first time in a LONG time that we have done something fun together. Life is so busy, we are so excited to just relax and have fun!!

Why Cyber School?

While talking with the girls today, I learned this:

The highest grade level completed for their family members:

Mom: 7th Grade (has 6 kids, started at age 15).
Her kids:
Oldest Sister: 8th Grade (has 3 kids, started at age 15)
Older Sister: special education high school diploma. Now, just hanging out (no job or school).
Oldest Brother: 9th grade (trying to get back into school...about to turn 19)
Older Brother: 8th grade (about to turn 17)

Dad: 4th grade (has 10 kids, started at age 14)
5 of his kids live in Puerto Rico and the girls don't know anything about them.
Oldest Sister in Philly: 9th Grade (has 2 kids, started at age 16)
Oldest Brother: 7th grade (no kids, spent a lot of time in jail)
Older Brother: Completed GED in jail (1 kid, started at 17)

Linda and Bonita are the only 2 kids that they have together.

Whenever I need to be reminded why I do what I do...