Its all gone!! Again!!

It seems like just yesterday I donated my hair to Locks of Love, and today I did it again! My hair grows fast!!

January 2008, I donated 10 inches. 15 months later, I had enough hair to do it again. Crazy! My hair wasn't quite as long this time, so its a little shorter now than it was last year (which is going to take me a while to get used to!). You can see what it looked like last year here.

Just to remind you, this was my hair just after I donated last January:


This was my hair BEFORE I donated today (sorry the pic isn't great, I had to take it myself):

The people at the salon didn't believe that I had just donated a year ago because of how much hair I have, haha. I can donate 2 pony tails each time; I've donated 6 ponytails (3 times) in the last 4 years. How crazy is that?? Anyway...

Here it is now!!


I THINK I like it...

I will most definitely grow it out again, although I don't know if I will donate again any time soon. Its kinda traumatic for me, haha. I really like having long hair, so I might let it grow a few inches and keep it there for a while. We'll see though...my hair grows so fast it almost seems like a waste to NOT donate...

Tomorrow I will see what it looks like curly. :)

"Everybody is getting married and starting a family...and look at Trish, still just here" ~ Bonita

I need to get that statement out of my head. Or at least see it the way she meant it. (She said she meant it as a compliment because I'm still just waiting for the one God has for me).

That's not happening yet.

Temptation and Impatience

A while ago I promised to be pretty honest in this blog about what it was like to be a single woman. I haven't lied at all about anything here, but I have ignored probably the biggest struggles that I face...temptation and impatience. Its not the kind of temptation that you're thinking though, at least not in the way you are probably thinking about it.

The temptation I am referring to is to forget, or even willfully ignore, who God really is...how good He REALLY is. Of course, this temptation is not unique to single women, but the reasons behind it and how it manifests itself, are.

I am tempted, way more often than I would ever want to admit, to abandon my beliefs and seek solace and comfort in the arms of someone else, even if its just for a moment.

Life is lonely. I know its not just that way for singles, but singles aren't just lonely, we are actually alone, which is an added dimension to loneliness. I think we, meaning society, trivialize loneliness sometimes. I'm not complaining because I don't have things to do on the weekend. It doesn't make me sad that I sit at home alone at night. Those are things you can get used to, and even learn to enjoy.

The loneliness that I am talking about is the feeling that there is no one that really knows you, and no one who is trying to know you. No one REALLY wants to know you. Its going through some of the deepest struggles of your entire life, and doing it alone; with no one to even talk to, much less be comforted by. Its wanting to physically feel love, but never getting to. Its the realization that there is something out there that is so beautiful and wonderful people are willing to give up everything to have it...but you don't have it. And you don't know if you ever will.

Everyone faces loneliness. I guess even married people are tempted to seek solace from loneliness in the arms of their spouse rather than the arms of God. I'm not sure if that is a sin or not, though. I do know, however, that for me; as a single woman, seeking solace from loneliness in the arms of a man IS a sin. Yet I am SO tempted to do just that...

I am a smart person. Pretty well educated and I don't usually make rash decisions; at least not life altering ones. I think through things, pray through everything, seek the scripture for answers before I do anything. Logic rules almost all in my head, which is most cases is a huge blessing. In most cases, life is pretty black and white for me. If its right, then its right for everyone. If its wrong, then its wrong and there is no excuse for it. I've never been tempted by drugs because they don't make sense to me. Same with alcohol and even meaningless relationships. Why would I waste my time on those things??

But loneliness is so overwhelming and at time torturous (why do you think solitary confinement is the worst level of punishment a prisoner can receive next to death??), that even for me logic can very easily go out the window, and instead be replaced with a desire to just be freed. Be freed from the loneliness...even for a moment.

And here let me remind you, the struggle is not with moments of feeling alone. I know we all have that. The struggle is with the NEVER ENDING realization that you are not known, not pursued, not comforted, not held...not chosen.

AND...the constant voice of the world telling you there is a way to feel loved (notice I didn't say BE loved); to feel known, pursued, comforted, held and even chosen. It will only last for a time, and it isn't real...you know that...but for a fleeting moment it will feel real. For a fleeting moment it won't hurt anymore...

I've heard that's the allure of drugs and alcohol too. I guess that's the allure of sin in general...

I am SO tempted, FAR too often, to just quit. At the very least, I would get to feel something different!! And I have some bad news for young singles...it does NOT get easier. The older you get, the harder all of this becomes. Time seems to whittle away at that hope and doubt replaces it. The future begins to look bleaker, and your resolve to fight weakens (if you don't fight against it). I don't think, "Well, I've waited this long, don't quit now", I think; "I've waited long enough! I gave God the chance to do it His way and He didn't, so now its my turn!". Not exactly godly, but true nonetheless.

When I was younger I just KNEW God had a plan for my life and if I trusted in that, I would be taken care of. I had hopes, dreams and desires and I placed them all in the hands of God and just waited for Him to perfect them.

And almost 30 years later, He is still holding on to those hopes and dreams. And I am still alone. I know He isn't WITHholding those dreams, but I have to admit that sometimes it feels like He is.

I am also tempted (although not as often), to take matters into my own hands and try and make something happen. I'm tempted by this less often because my greatest desire is to be pursued, and that desire usually outweighs my desire for momentary comfort. Not always though. There are times when I am being only 1/2 way irrational and only 1/2 driven by the dull ache in my heart and I realize that I still DO want only what God wants...I just want to make it happen faster than He apparently wants to.

Temptation and Impatience.

If I'm truly honest with myself, I fight this battle in my head daily. Hourly. I would say that at this point in my life, it is my absolute #1 struggle. I'm not sure if I would say its the proverbial "thorn in my flesh", but it is gut wrenching, overwhelming, at times all consuming, heartbreaking and exhausting. And needless to day, I talk to God about it A LOT.

I say all of this because I don't think we talk openly and honestly enough about just how deep some of our struggles go. Its very easy to gloss over things and encourage people to have faith and trust God. The truth is, though, I am talking about a struggle that potentially will only be relieved upon death. There is no guarantee at all that the deepest desire of my heart will be fulfilled while I am here on earth.

That's very hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes.

Of course, I am certainly not the only one facing this. And deep struggles like this don't just come in the form of loneliness. Some people will face physical or even emotional handicaps throughout their entire lives. Some people will never be able to have children, others will battle addiction for their entire lives. We all have struggles and hardship and rarely know exactly when the battle will be over (only to move on to the next one).

I recently listed to a sermon by John Piper titled: "Battling the Unbelief of Impatience", and this is how he started it:

"The opposite of impatience is not a glib, superficial denial of frustration. The opposite of impatience is a deepening, sweetening willingness to stand in the place that God has appointed, or to move at the pace that God has appointed". ~ John Piper

Here is the sad realization that I came to while listening to this sermon...I don't want to battle impatience. I want God to give me what I want.

That's not good.

What I also realized, however, is that what is at stake in the struggle is not simply my purity (although that is no small thing). What is at stake here is my FAITH. Everything that I believe in is at stake in this battle, so I better take it seriously.

Isaiah 30: 1-3;

"Woe to the obstinate children,"
declares the LORD,
"to those who carry out plans that are not mine,
forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit,
heaping sin upon sin;
who go down to Egypt
without consulting me;
who look for help to Pharaoh's protection,
to Egypt's shade for refuge.
But Pharaoh's protection will be to your shame,
Egypt's shade will bring you disgrace

This comes from the Israelites asking God for protection and not being happy with his seeming lack of response, so they did their own thing, taking care of themselves.

Here is how I read that:

Woe to the obstinate daughter, declares the Lord, who carries out plans that are not mine, joining herself to another, not by my Spirit; heaping sin upon sin, who went out without consulting me to look for a man's protection, to the world for refuge. But, that man's protection will only bring you shame, the world will bring you disgrace.

Ouch. Okay, you've scared me enough to keep me from ACTING irrationally, Lord, but what about my heart?!? How do I get up every day knowing the battle that is ahead, and NOT knowing when or if it will ever end???

Well, start with verses 15 and 18 of this chapter:

¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Then you can move onto Isaiah 49:23:

²³ Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame.

And then on to Isaiah 64:4:

⁴ Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

He is not a PASSIVE God. He ACTS, meaning that He actively does things on behalf of those who wait for Him. If He IS withholding something, it is an action being done FOR me, NOT against me. And, at the same time, He continually acts on my behalf...in ways that no one has ever seen before. What does that look like? We see at least part of what it looks like in;

Isaiah 40:31:

³¹Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run, and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

I don't want to overlook Isaiah 30:1-3, though. My battle with patience and temptation is really a battle FOR my faith, for my heart. Its serious, with a lot at stake.

Am I going to CHOOSE to believe, hold onto, and FIGHT for the truths in the scripture? Am I going to trust in the Lord, and take Him at His word? Or, am I going to decide its all too much...too hard and not worth it?

The truth is...if I TRULY understood just how good my God really is, answering this question would be the easiest thing I have ever done.

I'm not there yet, but I'm fighting through to get there.

So, yes...I CHOOSE to believe, hold onto and FIGHT for the truths that are in His word. And I TRUST that every single promise bestowed to me in His word is EVEN BETTER than I could ever imagine.

Finally, I BELIEVE that He knows me completely, and loves me unconditionally. I HOPE to someday see and know Him fully. And on that day I KNOW everything else will fade away. I BELIEVE He is just that good...and even more. Now I want to LIVE like I believe it.

Almost There...

Paxton and I are only $150 away from reaching our goal in raising money for the American Cancer Society. If you haven't donated yet (or even if you have!), and you still want to, PLEASE click on the picture below. Every dollar counts in helping us save millions of lives...including our dads'!!


My dad's cancer has only a 35% survival rate over 5 years. That's up from 32% just a few years ago...but obviously we still have a long way to go! Thanks to the research of the American Cancer society, Paxton's dad's cancer has a 98% survival rate! Please help us get all types of cancer in that 98%, or higher!!

An Overhaul

I am turning 30 in a little over a year, and in a lot of ways I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. Some of those things, I can't control...but others I can. I am putting together a "Before I'm 30 list", which I will share sometime soon. I have already started on a few things, though, and so far some of them are going well.

As I have mentioned, I have been training for the Broad Street run, and with only a little over a week left, I am starting to think I might actually be able to do this! I did an 8 mile run earlier this week and survived! I ran 6 miles this morning, and even managed to do the first 3 without stopping! When I started training in February, I couldn't even do 1/2 a mile before stopping!!! I don't have any delusions about running the entire 10 miles without stopping (at least not this year), but I think I might be able to reach my goal of finishing the 10 miles in 2.5 hours (which is a 15 min. mile average). We'll see though!

Along with my running training I have been seeking to overall improve my health. I have been watching what I eat, lifting weights, consistently attending my spinning class, and training for the Broad Street, and in just under 3 months I have lost close to 20 pounds!! I don't have a weight loss goal, just a health goal; but getting healthier for me will include weight loss...so I am on my way to my goal! The numbers I AM watching is my body fat %, and its on its way down to a healthy number. I am so excited!!

This all started with a one month commitment. In the middle of January I made a one month commitment to watch what I eat and exercise regularly. I figured in a month I would figure out if this was a lifestyle chance I could actually make, or I would discover that its just never going to happen. Thankfully, I found out that I not only CAN accomplish this goal, but I WANT to. I feel really great!!

So, now that my health is getting some attention, I have decided to look at other parts of my life. Next in line is my finances. My finances are not nearly as off balance as my health was, but they still need some attention. I have always lived under a budget, but in the last few months I have gotten away from that. God has been very good to me, but I am feeling called to better stewardship. Of course, adding Bonita to my household has also highlighted my need to get back on track with my money.

This time, I am making a 6 month commitment. I don't think a month is enough time to really get on track in a sustainable way, but I think I can do it in 6 months. Here is what I am doing:

First, I reorganized my monthly budget. Bonita has added some expenses (utilities have increased a little, I added her cell phone to my plan, and she does eat sometimes, haha), so I changed some numbers to reflect that. Since I have always lived on a pretty tight budget, this means that some money had to be taken away from other things.

Second, I am getting rid of my credit card, completely. I have been reading up a lot on taxes, budgeting, etc., and I feel like I have learned a ton; mostly from Dave Ramsey (whom I HIGHLY recommend!!). I had been fooled into thinking that I wasn't in debt because I pay off my credit card each month. However, if I run into trouble and don't get a paycheck one month (or even get paid less because my support is struggling), then I will immediately be in debt. By eliminating my credit card, I will only spend what I make and nothing more.

I do plan to hold onto it (although I am actually going to ask for a lower credit line...the higher the credit line the worse I look on my credit report) simply because some companies (like rental cars) will only let you use a credit card.

In addition to my monthly expenses, here are the things I am adding:

1) An emergency fund. I am hoping to get this fund to at least $1000, and soon, so I won't have to rely on a credit card if I run into an emergency.

2) An actual savings account. Dave Ramsey suggests having a savings account that has enough money to cover your expenses for at least 3-6 months. I have opened a high yield savings account (that I can easily access without fees) to begin to save here. This account is NOT connected to my checking account, so I will only tap into it when necessary.

3) An ESA (Education Savings Account). Don't tell them, but I am starting an Education Savings Account for Bonita and Linda. Its tax free, I'm able to contribute up to $200o a year (doubt I'll get that much, but even half would be amazing!), and it can ONLY be used for education, and only by them (so their family can't even touch it!). I am not going to tell the girls about it until they start looking at college, but hopefully it will be a big encouragement/help to them!

The plan is, in 6 months, to have all of these accounts healthy and earning money, as well as my bank account consistently above $0. :) This is going to require some hard work, and I have a plan!

Here is what my plan looks like:

These are my envelopes. Dave Ramsey suggests putting cash in each envelope, so when the cash runs out, you stop spending. Living in Kensington makes me a little wary of carrying around a lot of cash, so I will be keeping receipts in the envelopes. I will track the receipts on the outside of the envelope and subtract each receipt from the total. When the number gets to 0, I will stop spending. Here is an example:



I also have a spreadsheet that I will fill in at the end of each month that will automatically highlight numbers in red when I go over my budget and green when I am under, so I can easily see where I need to make changes, and how I can make them.

I really plan to stick to this, which means I will need to get creative with my cooking, and won't be going out very often in the next 6 months. Thankfully, the weather is getting warmer, so there are a lot more free/cheap ways to entertain ourselves.

I am also getting Bonita in on this. She really wants a bike and I'm going to have her earn it...but not in the way she is used to. She gets an allowance from her mom (part of which she uses to pay for her cell phone), and she has a list of things she can do for me to earn money. So, she has income and expenses; so we're going to create some envelopes for her and get her saving toward a bike.

I am going to be very open with her about how I spend my money (except for the education fund) so hopefully she can start to learn that I'm not rich, but I do manage my money. I really want her to learn money responsibility...

She has been watching me as I have started eating healthy and is following suit (we both constantly look at calories, fat grams, fiber, and ingredients). She has learned a lot about how she needs to take care of her body. I'm hoping this budget stuff will stick with her too. If she can learn to take care of her health and to manage her money, she will be light years ahead of most of the people around her!!

Its not going to be easy for either of us, but we're going to try!

If all goes well, by the time I turn 30, both my body and my finances will be very healthy!

Now, onto my spiritual life...

I...

ran 8 miles this morning!!!!!!

Thank you.

Never Forget

I will never forget 2 years ago today. I remember every moment. 33 people lost their lives. The University that God used to prepare me for the rest of my life, was invaded, attacked and changed forever.

The world finally learned what a Hokie is.

I am proud to be a Hokie.

You will never be forgotten:

• Ross A. Alameddine
• Christopher James Bishop
• Brian R. Bluhm
• Ryan Christopher Clark
• Austin Michelle Cloyd
• Jocelyne Couture-Nowak
• Kevin P. Granata
• Matthew Gregory Gwaltney
• Caitlin Millar Hammaren
• Jeremy Michael Herbstritt
• Rachael Elizabeth Hill
• Emily Jane Hilscher
• Jarrett Lee Lane
• Matthew Joseph La Porte
• Henry J. Lee
• Liviu Librescu (holocaust survivor)
  
• G.V. Loganathan
• Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan
• Lauren Ashley McCain
• Daniel Patrick O'Neil
• Juan Ramon Ortiz-Ortiz
• Minal Hiralal Panchal
• Daniel Alejandro Perez
• Erin Nicole Peterson
• Michael Steven Pohle, Jr.
• Julia Kathleen Pryde
• Mary Karen Read
• Reema Joseph Samaha
• Waleed Mohamed Shaalan
• Leslie Geraldine Sherman
• Maxine Shelly Turner
• Nicole Regina White

My First Protest!!

11 trillion dollars in debt; to CHINA. Spending money to get out of debt. Passing a $787 billion dollar "stimulus" bill WITHOUT EVEN READING IT. Allowing American tax dollars to fund overseas abortions. All of this (and so much more!) finally sent me over the edge. I just can't sit idly by and watch as the government moves the country closer and closer to a fascist society of big government and a loss of individual rights. I won't get too political with this post, except to say that I have done A LOT of research and paid A LOT of attention to what is going on with the government, and I feel it is necessary for me to speak out. And I won't stop speaking until someone listens. I will also say that this ridiculousness did not start with President Obama. It didn't even start with President Bush or even Clinton. Its not just the democrats, or just the republicans. We have been moving in this direction for decades and I admit ignorance and apathy...until now.

So, my first step (after sending countless emails to all of my congressmen and senators...and getting no response) was to attend the Philadelphia Tax Day Tea Party. If you haven't heard about these, check out the website here or read this article about the whole movement here. There were hundreds of rallies held all over the country today, with several hundred thousand Americans protesting the government's irresponsible and self serving use of our tax dollars. It was cold and rainy here in Philly, but it felt REALLY good to not only have a voice but to know that I was not alone. There were probably about 500 people at the rally in Philly, from all religious and political backgrounds. People weren't hostile, but were angry. In all, it was definitely a good experience for my first protest. :)

It has taken me pretty much the rest of the day to warm up (it was in the 40's outside and raining nonstop), but it was absolutely worth it. I will continue to be educated and speak out. My kids' (if I ever have any) future depends on it.

Supernatural

I really like the TV show, "Supernatural". Before I continue with this post, let me make it clear that I am NOT recommending the show to you. I really don't know if you would like it or not. Its definitely not a Christian show, though I have been learning a lot from it. But again, that's just me...I have no idea what you would think of the show.

The show started 4 years ago, and originally it was just basically scary movie cliches each episode (I like scary movies). The basic (VERY basic) story behind the show is that its about 2 brothers who fight evil. They battle against the evil in the world that most people don't really recognize as evil. They can see the evil in someone, but recognize that its not the person, its the evil inside of them ("We battle not against flesh and blood...").

When the second season started, the show began to explore the back story of the brothers' lives. Why do they fight evil? How do they know things that others don't? Etc.

The third season really started to ask the question, if there is evil...then is there good? Neither of the brothers believe that there is a God, but in this season they started to see that there was more to the battle than just them and the demons.

That brings us to this season, the one that is really increasing my faith (I know, sounds ridiculous, but its true!). This season, they introduced angels...angels who serve the Most High God and are an integral part of the battle. Like I said, this is NOT a Christian show, but each season seems to line more and more up with scripture. (In the first season they would hold crosses and speak in latin to get rid of demons....totally ridiculous. Now they are looking to a "higher power" that is necessary to fully defeat the evil).

Okay, so how is this TV show increasing my faith? Well, each week this show explores the hard realities of good vs. evil. It doesn't sugar coat it, or make it seem simple or pretty. Its dark and gritty. It gives me a visual of what is going on in the spiritual realm. Its kinda like the Left Behind series, or Frank Peretti's books. It's probably not exactly what is happening, but it gives me a picture to take the the scripture...and it brings me closer to the Lord.

Last week's episode really opened my eyes. Last week we were introduced to a prophet. This guy had no idea that he was a prophet, but he was. He goes to sleep at night and has intense dreams that he doesn't understand, but has to write down. He feels alone and rejected, but can't stop the dreams...and can't stop writing what he sees. He doesn't even understand what he is writing, has no idea that he is writing about real people...he just writes.

After watching that episode, I spent some time reading through the Old Testament prophets. They didn't understand what they were writing, they just wrote what they had to write. They longed for the understanding that we have today. They didn't see their prophecies fulfilled, they just wrote what they saw.

Being a prophet wasn't a happy go lucky thing. They were despised, rejected, hunted and even killed. They didn't live lives of luxury, often they were secluded and crying out to the Lord, not understanding what was going on. They were absolutely honored by God, but certainly not by men.

I don't know why I never really pictured it that way, its so clear in the scriptures that the prophets struggled and suffered. Yet, I really didn't see it until this TV show gave me a picture.

I am surrounded be evil. There is so much sin, addiction, anger, struggle...just evil all around me. Its so easy for me to get caught up in what I can see and forget about the battle going on that I can't see. The battle that I must always fight...but will never fight alone. I know its weird to say that I am learning all of this from a TV show...but I suppose the Lord knows the best way to get my attention. :)

Long Time No See!

Wow, I can't believe its been almost 2 weeks since I have blogged!! That's practically unheard of! I have been pretty busy, though I have also had a million things I have wanted to blog about, I just couldn't seem to find the motivation, haha. I have a few posts in my head, though, so you might get a few from me today. Doing my best to make up for lost time. :)

I will start with a general update on me. If you couldn't tell from my last post, I am pretty tired. :) The spring semester at Cornerstone is the longest one of the year, and every year about this time I really start to feel it. This is the longest stretch of time where I don't leave Philly, which is always hard for me. While I am used to 8 weeks worth of Kids Club lessons, in the spring I have 13. Plus, it is definitely the busiest time of year for AIM as well. So, while I have been plugging along, I am definitely ready for a break. And I will get one in just about 3 weeks! Wooho!!

This last week I helped out with another AIM group that was here. I wasn't leading it, but its a group I know really well, and REALLY like, so I spent a lot of time with them. It was a GREAT week. Bonita was on Spring Break from school, so our schedules were much more flexible, and I didn't have to worry about bed times with her, which we both enjoyed. So, when I wasn't doing my normal work, I was with the group. This was their 3rd year coming to Philly and I am really hoping that they will work with Cornerstone next year. They are a great team, very encouraging and a lot of fun! I had people to hang out with for a week, and we laughed A LOT. I loved it!!

Unfortunately, I have been battling sickness since the football team left. I have good days and bad days, and this week constituted several bad days. Its not the kind of sickness that totally knocks me out, its just enough that I feel like I'm living at about 65% of my normal self. I finally (very reluctantly) decided to take a few days off from running to hopefully let my body recover so I can get back to 100%. I'm just praying it doesn't put me too far behind on my training because the Broad Street is in 3 weeks!!!! Its also been challenging for me because I feel like I'm being lazy and gaining 15 pounds a day. Obviously that's not true, but to go from exercising as much as I had been to almost nothing, even for a few days, kinda gets me down. Exercise helps keep me in a much better mental state, so I really want to get back to that asap!!

Bonita and I continue to do well. We're about a month in and still liking each other! We have had a few "parental" issues (like her learning the different between asking permission to do something and telling me that she is going to do something...that's a hard one...), but we've been able to work through them. I definitely don't think I treat her the same way I would my own daughter, but there are times I need to pull the "mom" card. Its interesting to try and figure out our relationship. Interesting...challenging...and worth it. I'm still praying that everything works out for her to do Cyber School in the fall, and the more time we spend together, the more confirmed I feel in that decision. We won't know anything until the end of May though...

Now I'm really just counting down the days until I head to NC for vacation with my family. (26 days!!). I have 3 Kids Club lessons to get through, plenty of AIM work to continue with, and my running training to fit into the schedule. God is VERY good and faithful, however, and giving me everything I need, even when I don't know that I need it. And if I ever get really down...Bonita isn't far away to remind me why I am here. Of course, there is also baby Selah Varaso who is already my bff, even if she doesn't know it yet. And in the next week, Carisa and Marcella will be giving birth to 2 babies I can't wait to meet, love and spoil!