This can't be real...

I just did literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. A 12 year old girl that I am very close to (It is NOT Bonita or Linda) told me that her oldest brother, whom I also know, has been molesting her for the last 6 years. I had to call the authorities. What comes next will change everything.

My mind has been racing with possibilities, and I just shut it down. I don't know if that's okay, but its what I have to do. If I think about what happened to her, I won't be there for her. If I think about what will happen to him, I will make all the wrong decisions. I am so desperate for Jesus.

Praise the Lord for the lady that took the report. She was extremely supportive, encouraging and helpful (I still pray I never have to make that phone call again). I shared everything, and she listened. She brought up things that I hadn't thought of (the possibility of STD's), and when I broke down, she just let me. She cares about this little girl and she has never even met her.

Unfortunately, I don't have much faith in the Philadelphia system, so I have no idea what will happen next. The case will be referred to DHS (Department of Human Services), and we'll see what happens from there. Other things have been going on in the home (drinking, fighting, etc), so I am praising God that (hopefully) these things will be dealt with as well.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I won't have an answer for you. All I can tell you is that I am desperate for Jesus. Sick to my stomach, NOTHING else will even come close, desperate for JESUS. That can't be a bad place to be...

I saw a man shot today...

I saw his seemingly lifeless body (I still don't know if he lived or died) lying in the sidewalk, blood pouring out of bullet holes in his neck. I watched his children standing in the doorway of their house screaming for their daddy. I watched the police arrive, check for a pulse, and literally drag his body into the back of their car and drive him to the hospital. I watched his teenage son scream at the cops, "that's my dad. that's my dad". I may have seen a man die today. Right in front of my eyes.

I also saw the teenage shooter run away scared from the scene. I, along with several others, gave a description of the shooter. The shooting happened at noon today, on a street full of people (it is the 4th). I can't imagine the shooter not being caught. I saw a teenager ruin his life today.

I don't really have words. I honestly don't. So, I'm copying Carisa's blog post (I was with her when this happened). She doesn't really have the words either, but she has more than me. She and her family give me strength. This happened very near her house. Her 2 young sons were standing in the doorway when this happened. She isn't packing up and leaving, so I won't either (actually, I'm not really tempted to. I have found that incidents like this don't create fear in me, but overwhelming sadness. Still, sometimes the sorrow is a lot to take...) Okay, that's all I have for now.

Here is Carisa's post:

Awhile back I wrote a walk out your front door post, and today unfortunately it's time for another one. This is the view today...

Those of you familiar with the area will recognize the cross in the upper right hand corner--that's the Hewitt Center, giving you a good idea of where the photo was taken (I was standing on my doorstep).

Earlier my view was of a teenage male riding away on his bike after shooting a 30 year old father 5 times in the neck. I don't have complete confirmation that he died, but I would be shocked to find out he survived. This is the closest I have ever personally experienced murder, I hope to never be closer, this alone was way to close for comfort. Here's a map of our streets for those of you not familiar with our home...

Trish had been over all morning, we were just chatting--it was great. She went outside to get something for Paxton out of her car and I followed her out with the boys on our heals (thankfully they actually stayed inside of the house). Within less than a minute we heard 5 gunshots, looked at each other, I think both wondered if that was for sure what we heard (but both knew in our guts it was), and then we both saw the shooter run, stumble around to move fast, pick up a bike, and ride away. I just stood there in shock for a moment thinking it couldn't be real, and for a second convinced myself it was just fireworks and a crazy kid riding away because he shot a firework in the middle of the street. Trish ran over to check and unfortunately she was one of the first to see the fallen man, lying alone on the sidewalk, bleeding form the wounds in his neck, not moving. She was the first to call the police and they came before she even hung up.

This whole time Ky and Pax are standing behind me in the house behind the glass door. Paxton is old enough that I had to explain to him what happened. Not something you want to tell your 6 year old, but this is our life and he knows it. He fully understands our role as a missionary family now and knows why we live where we live. We have had many talks lately about this.

The man was rushed away in the back of a police car to the hospital and I haven't heard an update but from what Trish saw, it doesn't seem hopeful. From what we have put together, this is a father of 6, who lives across the street from us, on Shannon's street, Elkhart. A few of his children were outside when it happened and saw their Daddy fall. It was a teenager who did it, I saw him ride away--a very disturbing image in my mind on several different levels.

Obviously I don't even have to write that this is difficult, that my brain and heart are struggling. There are so many different levels of struggle inside of me right now--I couldn't even begin to write them all out. One thing I will say is that this does NOT cause me to fear, it doesn't make me nervous or scared. I rarely feel that in our life here. God provides us with an unbelievable sense of peace and protection in our life, I honestly rarely fear. My struggles are more with sadness, of remembering the reason we serve here, the pain for the children and family of the man, the destroyed life of the teenage shooter, the desperate desire to bring hope to so many kids and families we work with who see this along with us everyday. Who grow up with tragedy like this as being normal. The difference between them and us is that we could leave if we wanted to. Many of them can't.

Please keep this in your prayers, please continue to pray for hope and light to be brought into this community filled with darkness. Please pray for God to work through us in any way He wants.

**Update: The man did not survive. Here is an article written about what happened. Apparently he was shot preparing for his daughter's birthday party.

I Finally Hit My Breaking Point...

I know, everyone was wondering when it was going to come; including me. After weeks of ridiculous computer issues and piles and piles of work backing up...in the midst of personal tragedies in so many people's lives around me, I finally got fed up today. Ironically, this comes at the same time that most of my "issues" are being resolved.

To start, my AIM computer is fixed and working. Other than the fact that I can't get my printer to install (which is annoying, but pretty minor), I finally have a real working computer that I am not borrowing! On the same note, I got an email from a great friend and supporter about a great deal on a lap top that he found. He is a licensed computer guy, so he is going to buy the laptop for me, load it with tons of free software (including Microsoft Office! Since he is a computer guy he can save me tons of money getting me all this stuff!) and then send it to me!! How amazing is that?!? Not only do I NOT have to worry about finding the right computer (he actually knows what he is doing), but I also don't have to worry about installing stuff and messing it up (obviously I do not have a good track record with this stuff, haha). Its AMAZING!

So, for all intents and purposes, I am back on track. Some things are still taking much longer than they used to, but that will change as I get the right files on this computer. The main frustration is the loss of standard emails that I would send out for my job that I now have to recreate, as well as all the lost email addresses. Again, a little frustrating, but definitely manageable.

I also finally filed my taxes and I am getting a refund this year! Hopefully this will help offset the costs of some of the repairs and other things I have done on my house...what a blessing!

I know what you're thinking...if things seem to finally be coming together, what in the world could have set me off today? Well, here's the story... (now we enter into a quick rant/soap box...feel free to skip if you are uninterested).

We have a bulletin board up at church that has individual pictures of all the Kids' Club kids. About the same time as my hard drive crash, I took several new pictures of kids to add to the board (they LOVE having their pictures up!). My plan was to have them printed and ready to go the next week...unfortunately, as of this morning, they still weren't up.

As I was doing some work earlier I realized that Jen's computer (the one I had been borrowing over the weekend), had some pretty decent photo editing software on it. All of the pictures needed to be edited and then the kids' names added to them. Jen's software would allow me to do that. The kids have been begging me for weeks to get their pictures up, so I decided to try and get it done today.

I spent close to (if not more) 2 hours editing and adding names to over 20 pictures of kids to add to the bulletin board. Once I was finished I loaded them onto CVS's on line photo site and sent them off for 1 hour printing.

Around 3:30 (I have to be at Kids' Club at 5:30) I went to pick them up. I (stupidly) did not check the photos before I left, but opened the package a few minutes later while waiting at a red light. What I discovered was that most of the kids faces were literally cut in half, and the ones that weren't cut in half had been printed landscape style instead of portrait. I immediately turned around and went back to CVS.

There were MANY people in line waiting for photo help and only one person working there, so I ended up waiting in line for 25 minutes (no exaggeration). When I finally got to the counter, I showed the pictures to the lady working there and her words to me were; "All I can do is give you a refund, that's how the pictures came to us". Did she check to see if that was true? No. Did she offer to check and see if maybe, possibly, they had made a mistake in printing? No.

So, she started to process the refund. Admittedly, I was a bit irritated by this point, but I am very capable of being cordial even when irritated...at least for a while. While she started to process the refund I asked her why the pictures would show up fine on the website and then come to them cut in half. She did not respond. I again asked her what could have caused this problem, and she again ignored me. Her manager came out to verify the refund and I (in a much more firm tone) again asked why my pictures would come to them messed up if they looked perfectly fine on line. The manager simply looked at me, shrugged and then went into her office.
The photo lady proceeded to hand me my receipt and then looked over my shoulder to help the person behind me. Never once did she speak to me or even look at me.

That's when I went over the edge. No, I didn't say or do anything, however I have a letter of complaint that I will be delivering to the store tomorrow. And I had to work VERY hard to keep myself under control as I left the store. I finally left the store around 4:45. I went home and spent some time gathering myself so I wouldn't take any anger out on the kids.

And, I will not be going to CVS anytime soon.

As I was thinking about this later tonight, I discovered why this incident is the one that sent me over the edge. My computer issues have been frustrating and tiring, but they are no one's fault (well, someone is behind this sinister plot...my dad thinks its the CIA...but we're still gathering evidence) and all the people I have come in contact with throughout the process have been extremely nice and helpful. Even the people at DHL apologized profusely after my hard drive was stolen when they left it on my front porch. There was nothing they could do to change it, but they were at least willing to admit that they had made a mistake. The people at Dell have gone above and beyond to try and get me the things I needed, which made everything so much less stressful and frustrating than it could have been.

The CVS situation was different. I was treated like I didn't matter...like I wasn't worth it...and that made me angry. Even an, "I'm so sorry. I am not sure what happened, but let me check and see what we received. Okay mam, after looking at what was sent to us, it does appear that this is how we received the pictures. I'm not sure why the pictures were sent to us like this. Maybe you could try putting them on a CD and bringing that in to us? I will give you a full refund for these pictures, and I really wish that there was more I could do." Is that difficult? Isn't that their job?!?

What I have discovered today is that I like to be treated as a person. As a person that matters. The golden rule absolutely applies to me. I want to be treated exactly as you would want me to treat you. And, I feel a huge sense of injustice when I am not treated that way.

Honestly, I am still pretty frustrated with the whole situation (hence the letter. I'm not good at letting things slide...). But, I am praying that God will use this to teach me about how I should/do treat others. I pray that I treat them as they should. In a very small way, I understand the anger, hurt and frustration that comes along with being treated as if you don't matter.

But everyone matters. People kill themselves because they think they don't matter. People do drugs and drink too much because they think they don't matter. Women prostitute themselves because they think they don't matter.

So, will I show people that they really do matter?

The Dogs Are Gone!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited I can't stand it!! If you will remember, my block has been inundated with dogs over the last 4 or 5 months. Tons of dogs on the block, barking all the time. I have been 99% sure that these dogs were being used in dog fighting. I have been praying for a while that something would be done about these dogs, especially the ones that bite.

About 2 months ago the police showed up and were looking at a few of the dogs and didn't seem to mind them being around. They were even laughing and joking with the owners, which I took to mean that nothing would ever be done about the dogs. My dad told me that the officers were probably gathering information to use later, but I wasn't sure Philly police were that good. :)

Apparently, my dad was right! (Who would have thought that my dad, Chief of Police, would know something about how police officers work?!?). The police showed up yesterday and took away every single dog on the block!! Well, there is one left, because he was actually well fed and taken care of, but the rest were taken away. I had never seen all the dogs at once, and it was disturbing. Most of them looked horrible...angry and beaten up. It was so sad. The owners weren't arrested, but they were given lots of tickets and summons to appear in court. Apparently other neighbors have been calling the police complaining about the dogs. They had been getting out of their cages and running up and down an alley behind some houses and even attacking other dogs. Not to mention the barking day and night. We have all seen people urging their dogs to attack other dogs. Apparently they even found the house that was being used to actually fight the dogs. So disgusting.

I do feel kind of bad for one neighbor. He has a dog that is very well taken care of and doesn't fight. Their backyard is way too small to house the dog, so they keep him inside. However, they will let him in the backyard to go to the bathroom if they don't have time to walk him (they always clean up after the dog). Unfortunately, the police came just as the dog was going to the bathroom in the backyard, so he also got a ticket for unsanitary conditions for a dog. (His yard is in the same alley that the other dogs were terrorizing). He was pretty upset, and it is an unfortunate coincidence. But, I would rather have that than the dogs still be here.

My block has been SO much quieter!! No barking at all!! I had literally forgotten what it was like to go through an entire day without hearing dogs fighting and growling at one another. Or what it was like to walk down my block without looking around to see what fence or post I needed to avoid. Its SO nice!!! :)

Yesterday wasn't all great though. I got a phone call from a girl's mom asking me to talk to her because she has been getting in a lot of trouble at school. It broke my heart. I know this girl has been going through a lot over the last year, and I know exactly where her anger stems from. But, what do you do with that? How do you counsel a 12 year old girl through her anger while teaching her to be respectful and follow the rules at school? This little girl has the odds stacked against her to say the least...so how exactly can I help? What am I supposed to do?

I feel like that's the question I am constantly asking right now...Lord, what am I supposed to do? I'm not a mom, I don't have children. I have no idea how to handle these kids...yet I'm the one mom's are calling for help?? Lord, what exactly am I supposed to do? There are a million parenting books, but there aren't any "How to Parent Other People's Children" books. Lord, what in the world am I supposed to do?!?

My Friends...the Drug Dealers

I had a very interesting experience today. First, let me give you a little background. In the last few months a few new people have moved onto my block, and frankly they scared me a little. Its not easy to scare me, but they succeeded. The spend almost all day every day standing on the corner...so I'm pretty sure I know what they are doing. They also own dogs...a lot of dogs. I have had my suspicion that they are involved with dog fighting. They always seemed distant and somewhat ominous...and basically a little scary.

In the last few weeks I have started saying hello and trying to develop a rep or with them. I started praying that God would give me wisdom about how to handle them...whether I should try and become friends, or keep an eye out for them or even possibly call the cops. I felt Him leading me in the friend direction. Of course, I didn't want to do anything to lead them on or make them think anything more than friendship, so I just stuck with hellos. The slowly responded and I even started to get smiles and laughs. I started to feel less and less afraid of them and found myself enjoying them and praying for them more and more.

Tonight as I was leaving my house I ran into one of the guys and of course said hello. Then, for the first time, he took the conversation farther. He asked me about my work (he sees me with kids all the time), asked about my house remodel (he saw all the people doing the work on my kitchen). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was Alan's cousin (I'm changing the names). Alan lived on my block a few years ago, when he was a teen, and we always got along really well. He was on the block when the kids lived with me and had fun with all of us. Anyway, Alan apparently told this cousin all about me and how nice and fun I was and that I really loved kids. So, John just wanted me to know that he has my back. He lives 2 doors down (the house in between us is abandoned) and said that he will be keeping an eye out for me, and that he was there for anything I need. Then his friend, the other "scary" guy came by and said hello to me and told me that he has my back as well. He lives on the other side of me...

They both told me that they really appreciated how nice I am and how I take care of kids and they wanted to let me know that they are here if I need anything.

What an answer to prayer!!! They are absolutely the most influential people on my block, and they think I'm great! :) I'm excited to continue to talk to them...stay tuned for the say they come to church!!!! :)

That whole conversation brightened my day and got me ready for my evening. Tonight was the church adult Christmas Party and I was in charge of helping with the kids. I had 3 other babysitters, and I was kind of overseeing everything. There were only 7 kids signed up, but with 130 adults coming, we were pretty sure we would have more than 7 kids. We were right...there were 30. Thankfully, they were 30 of my favorite kids in the church and we had a lot of fun!! We had almost 0 discipline problems, which is pretty much a miracle. We had a blast and kept the kids pretty much under control for the first 3 hours. Unfortunately, the party went on for 4 hours. Had the evening ended after the first 3 hours, I would be raving about all the fun I had tonight. However, right now all I can think is, I am not going to do that again. 4 babysitters with 30 kids for 4 hours. That's a lot. Thankfully, I have a year before the next Christmas party, so there is plenty of time to come up with a new game plan for the kids...one that will likely not include much of me; at least as long as the party lasts 4 hours and we only serve them grilled cheese sandwiches to eat. :)

Now I must get to bed. I am going to see Santa tomorrow. :)