the word sucks. I know it's not the classiest word in the English language and I am honestly working to use it less and less in my life (my parents consider it a curse word). However, in this post, its the only word that fits.
Being single at 30, sucks.
When I was 20, it was awesome. At 25, I was able to rejoice with my friends as they married and a few even started having children all while still enjoying the freedoms that came with being single. At 30, the freedoms have turned into responsibilities and the loneliness and sense of unfulfilled dreams are starting to become overwhelming.
Now, I know many will accuse me of suffering from "The grass is always greener" syndrome, and you may be partially true. I don't know all the hardships of being married, or of having children. And I have enough married friends (many with kids) to know that its not all candy and rainbows. However, I DO know all the hardships of being single, and I don't think I would mind a new set of hardships, especially when those hardships do come with benefits. (Not that there aren't benefits of being single... I'll get to that...)
I get no reprieve from being single. Ever. While married couples can take time and go out with "the guys/girls", or find a babysitter for a couples' night, I can never take a day and just be married. Or borrow some kids and make them mine for a day. Okay, so technically I could date around and have moments of companionship, but if I am going to continue to follow the Lord... which I definitely plan to do... that isn't an option for me. I'm just not that kinda girl. That's not to say that I'm not tempted to be that kind of girl sometimes. The fact that no guy has been interested in me in over 8 years does help keep me on the right track, but even if I had them beating down my door (and they were somehow able to get past my dad and my brother, haha), I wouldn't settle for temporary relief. I do thank the Lord for doing that transforming work in my heart.
I have to rely of friends' husbands to do the things that I can't. While I am a very independent and capable woman, there are just things that I don't know how to do. Some big (fixing plumbing) and some small (hanging pictures on my wood paneling walls). Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful and SO blessed by the people in my life that help me so selflessly with the things that I can't do on my own. But, it would be nice to not have to rely on them all the time. They do have their own families.
I go home every night to an empty bed. I wake up every morning alone. I carry all the financial burdens of my life all by myself. In fact, I carry all my burdens by myself. That's not to say that I don't have incredibly wonderful and supportive friends, I do. I am beyond blessed by the incredible people in my life. But I don't have a partner. I just have me.
Want to know when the last time guy (who wasn't my dad or brother) told me I was beautiful? I would love to tell you, but I can't remember. Its been years. (Quick time out to thank you, Lord, for an AMAZING father and brother who not only tell me I'm beautiful, but actually believe it. That goes a LONG way to comfort a girl's heart).
I am never held, never hugged, never kissed, any and all sexual thoughts are sin. I've never heard the words "I Love You" spoken to me. (Family members excepted)
I have been a bridesmaid 12 times, and attended over 40 weddings. I have seen countless friends and family members glow on their wedding days. And I have honestly rejoiced with them. I have also wept for myself. Selfish, I know, but its true.
Of course I know there are benefits to being single. I have more time to pour into the teens and kids. I am almost always available to help out when needed, no matter the time or day. I am free to babysit whenever I am needed. And PLEASE don't get me wrong, I LOVE that. I am thankful for these opportunities, and I know that I benefit from them as well. But if I'm honest, I would trade in those benefits for the opportunity to experience the love of a husband and the blessing of children. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, but I have to be honest.
And that's one of the biggest differences between being single and being married; at least for me. I don't know anyone who would trade their husbands and children for the chance to be single. Not one. I would trade being single for a husband and children in a heart beat.
And honestly, being a Christian really doesn't help. I am constantly bombarded with the idea that my "highest calling" as a woman is to be a wife and a mother. I hear it OVER AND OVER again. And men are the leaders, of everything. But I don't have a husband to speak on my behalf, so my voice often goes unheard. Or ignored. Or even worse, dismissed.
Now, there is a "silver lining", if you will. I truly believe that I am accomplishing God's will for my life. While I have moments (okay, more than just moments) of feeling unworthy of being married, believing that I am unlovable and that's why I'm single; I know that isn't true (right?). Stronger than my desire to be a wife and mother is my desire to follow the Lord with all my heart. Would I trade my singleness for a husband and children? Absolutely. Would I choose a husband and family over God's will for my life? Not a chance.
For now, there is a deep longing in my heart that is unfulfilled. I am seeking the Lord a ton (another benefit, I do realize). I am trying to understand 1 Corinthians 7, and specifically what it means for my life. I have a long way to go. A LONG way, but I am seeking. And I trust that God will meet me in my anguish; He will turn my mourning into dancing and return beauty for my ashes. I am aware that my longing may always be unfulfilled. I may never get a full reprieve from the hurt until I get to heaven. I'm on my way to accepting that. God is SO good; always. He blesses me more than I ever deserve; always.
Still, at this point my heart still says that being single, a woman, and 30 years old just sucks.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
An New Season
I feel like I am living a whole new life right now. Let me try and explain.
I don't have any kids living in my house. I have a nice home on a quiet block with no major repairs screaming to be fixed. I have a reliable car. I have one job. I get paid every month. I have a roommate that I love and have a blast living with. I am not trying to buy or sell a house. I have health and dental insurance and no outstanding health/dental bills. I have (some) money in a savings account. I even have a retirement account.
Who's life is this?!? In the 8 years I have lived in Philly, I have NEVER been able to say all the things I just typed. I've always had something crazy going on, usually more than one crazy thing! I barely recognize my life right now, its actually really weird for me (although please know that I am NOT complaining!).
Now, don't think that I just sit around and do nothing all day. ;) I am definitely keeping myself busy, but its just doing all new things! I have started a weekly prayer meeting with the teens, and its going great! The teens are really excited to pray, and we are already seeing answers to our prayers! At the last teen club of the summer, we had 19 teens. We started to pray together that God would bring more teens out to hear the good news of the Gospel, and this past Thursday we had 46 teens! It was amazing!
I have also been spending some time with Carisa working on developing a one on one tutoring program for kids that we are hoping to launch in January. We have actually been talking about this for years, and now that I have so much extra time, we are making it happen. I am SO excited!
Of course, there is also Kids Club (we had 80 kids at our first meeting of the fall!!), hanging out with kids on the block, discipling teens, planning for our church Harvest Party (on Halloween), my CASA work, etc. I am really loving all of it!
This "new life" is taking some time for me to adjust to. I wake up around 8 am each day and I have to convince myself that I don't have to get to work immediately, which is what I used to do. I am usually at church most weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, so starting work at 8 am would mean a 12-14 hour work day (which is again, what I am used to... but don't have to do anymore!). I do love it, but its still weird for me.
I have also been spending a lot of time in prayer for God's continued direction for my life, and taking some small steps as He leads. First, I am continuing the process of becoming a foster parent. I hit some snags over the summer as the agency I am working with went through some staff changes (basically I just had my case passed around a bit, so things were taking longer than they should have, but it didn't really bother me at all. We have continued to move forward and I am just trusting completely in the Lord's timing). I should be ready to have kids in my home by the first of the year, but I am not rushing anything at all. I am just taking each step as the Lord leads and praying for wisdom all along the way. I am asking the Lord to make it very clear when it is time for me to say yes to having more kids in my home. My heart has always been to provide a safe and loving home for children, for however long the Lord allows (an afternoon, a weekend, a month, a year...). But, I want it to be in HIS timing, not mine. So, I continue to pray and follow. :)
I am also almost finished with my application to Temple University's MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. This even surprised me! My roommate, Ashley, and I were talking about all the things I want to be able to do with my life, especially here in Philly, and she told me that it sounded like I needed to get my MSW (she has her MSW). I was intrigued, so I started asking questions. We talked a lot about what I would learn and how this education would be able to help me in my work with kids and teens. The more we talked, the more I saw exactly what God was calling me to do. So, I started looking into programs. I initially started looking at Christian schools, but there aren't any in Philadelphia that offer Masters in Social Work. Several offer counseling degrees, which I did consider. However, I don't JUST want to counsel (although that is a big part of it). I also want to be able to provide services for families as well as work on behalf of abused and neglected children. With an MSW, I can do all of those things (including counseling). With a counseling degree, I can only counsel.
Once I officially decided to go for social work, I started looking for MSW programs and Temple's stuck out to me immediately. They seem to offer everything that I am looking for, and since they are a state school, they are by far the least expensive. So, I decided to apply. I have already sent off for my transcripts from Tech and I have the 3 references that are required. In fact, my entire application is finished except for the 6 page essay I have to write (that's right, 6 pages!! I guess they want to see if we are serious about doing the school work, haha). I am hoping to finish that this weekend, so I will have everything turned in! The application deadline isn't until February (I want to start next fall), but Temple has rolling admission, so they will accept or reject you whenever you submit your application. Also, the earlier you are accepted, the better your chances are for receiving financial aid (its distributed when there is need, but on a first come, first serve basis). So, I want to get my application in as soon as possible. Its a 2 year program if you go full time, so I am hoping to complete it in 4... going part time and taking a few summer classes.
What exactly do I hope to do with this degree? The biggest thing on my heart that led me in this direction is that I want to be able to provide counseling to victims of sexual abuse. More than 80% of the young girls that I work with have faced some form of sexual abuse; including stranger rape, date rape, molestation by a family member, and on and on. In fact, I don't know a single girl who hasn't been attacked in some form or another (if not fully raped, they have literally all been inappropriately touched or attacked). Its a HUGE issue, and I want to be able to help. In fact, as a part of the MSW program, I will be required to do two internships. I am hoping to work more with CASA for one of them, and for the other I would like to intern at a Christian office that provides sexual abuse counseling.
I also want to be more effective in working on behalf of abused and neglected children. I want to learn warning signs, what to do when ______ (fill in the blank here, I see it all!), ways to help the children and the parents I work with, and what services are available that I can refer families to. Basically, there is SO much that I don't know, and I want to learn all that I can to be able to best serve kids and teens. I don't want to be equipped in every way possible to provide them the absolute best care I possibly can.
Crazy, right?? I NEVER thought I would be going back to school, and certainly not for social work (I have my undergrad degree in business management with minors in history and leadership, haha. I am all over the place!). I serve a CRAZY God! Of course, there is certainly NO guarantee that I will be accepted. I know I didn't have poor grades at Tech, but I wasn't a straight A student either (I honestly can't remember my final GPA, haha). So, we will just see what God has. If I am not accepted to Temple, I will go back to Him in prayer and see what He wants me to do next. Like I said, I am really not trying to rush anything, I am really working hard to seek Him for EVERY step.
Ashley is still laughing at me. Apparently, once I get something in my head, I just do it. I honestly didn't really realize this about myself, she says its true. I guess I can see it, haha. I mentioned moving out of our old house last summer, and withing 2 weeks, my house was on the market. I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, and a week later, I was registered and started training, and 4 months later I ran it. I decided to be a foster parent, and 3 days later I was at the orientation meeting. Ashley mentioned getting my MSW, and less than a month later, my application is almost in. Who knew?!?
I am loving all of it, though. I am so thankful for this time of (somewhat) rest that the Lord has me in, and and I am SO excited for where God is taking me. I am just praying that I don't get so focused on the future that I miss out on what He is doing day in and day out. I just want to be completely in tune with Him, taking steps when He calls me to, but ONLY when He wants me to. Apparently I am not so good at standing still, but I know He can give me the strength to do even that. :)
I don't have any kids living in my house. I have a nice home on a quiet block with no major repairs screaming to be fixed. I have a reliable car. I have one job. I get paid every month. I have a roommate that I love and have a blast living with. I am not trying to buy or sell a house. I have health and dental insurance and no outstanding health/dental bills. I have (some) money in a savings account. I even have a retirement account.
Who's life is this?!? In the 8 years I have lived in Philly, I have NEVER been able to say all the things I just typed. I've always had something crazy going on, usually more than one crazy thing! I barely recognize my life right now, its actually really weird for me (although please know that I am NOT complaining!).
Now, don't think that I just sit around and do nothing all day. ;) I am definitely keeping myself busy, but its just doing all new things! I have started a weekly prayer meeting with the teens, and its going great! The teens are really excited to pray, and we are already seeing answers to our prayers! At the last teen club of the summer, we had 19 teens. We started to pray together that God would bring more teens out to hear the good news of the Gospel, and this past Thursday we had 46 teens! It was amazing!
I have also been spending some time with Carisa working on developing a one on one tutoring program for kids that we are hoping to launch in January. We have actually been talking about this for years, and now that I have so much extra time, we are making it happen. I am SO excited!
Of course, there is also Kids Club (we had 80 kids at our first meeting of the fall!!), hanging out with kids on the block, discipling teens, planning for our church Harvest Party (on Halloween), my CASA work, etc. I am really loving all of it!
This "new life" is taking some time for me to adjust to. I wake up around 8 am each day and I have to convince myself that I don't have to get to work immediately, which is what I used to do. I am usually at church most weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, so starting work at 8 am would mean a 12-14 hour work day (which is again, what I am used to... but don't have to do anymore!). I do love it, but its still weird for me.
I have also been spending a lot of time in prayer for God's continued direction for my life, and taking some small steps as He leads. First, I am continuing the process of becoming a foster parent. I hit some snags over the summer as the agency I am working with went through some staff changes (basically I just had my case passed around a bit, so things were taking longer than they should have, but it didn't really bother me at all. We have continued to move forward and I am just trusting completely in the Lord's timing). I should be ready to have kids in my home by the first of the year, but I am not rushing anything at all. I am just taking each step as the Lord leads and praying for wisdom all along the way. I am asking the Lord to make it very clear when it is time for me to say yes to having more kids in my home. My heart has always been to provide a safe and loving home for children, for however long the Lord allows (an afternoon, a weekend, a month, a year...). But, I want it to be in HIS timing, not mine. So, I continue to pray and follow. :)
I am also almost finished with my application to Temple University's MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. This even surprised me! My roommate, Ashley, and I were talking about all the things I want to be able to do with my life, especially here in Philly, and she told me that it sounded like I needed to get my MSW (she has her MSW). I was intrigued, so I started asking questions. We talked a lot about what I would learn and how this education would be able to help me in my work with kids and teens. The more we talked, the more I saw exactly what God was calling me to do. So, I started looking into programs. I initially started looking at Christian schools, but there aren't any in Philadelphia that offer Masters in Social Work. Several offer counseling degrees, which I did consider. However, I don't JUST want to counsel (although that is a big part of it). I also want to be able to provide services for families as well as work on behalf of abused and neglected children. With an MSW, I can do all of those things (including counseling). With a counseling degree, I can only counsel.
Once I officially decided to go for social work, I started looking for MSW programs and Temple's stuck out to me immediately. They seem to offer everything that I am looking for, and since they are a state school, they are by far the least expensive. So, I decided to apply. I have already sent off for my transcripts from Tech and I have the 3 references that are required. In fact, my entire application is finished except for the 6 page essay I have to write (that's right, 6 pages!! I guess they want to see if we are serious about doing the school work, haha). I am hoping to finish that this weekend, so I will have everything turned in! The application deadline isn't until February (I want to start next fall), but Temple has rolling admission, so they will accept or reject you whenever you submit your application. Also, the earlier you are accepted, the better your chances are for receiving financial aid (its distributed when there is need, but on a first come, first serve basis). So, I want to get my application in as soon as possible. Its a 2 year program if you go full time, so I am hoping to complete it in 4... going part time and taking a few summer classes.
What exactly do I hope to do with this degree? The biggest thing on my heart that led me in this direction is that I want to be able to provide counseling to victims of sexual abuse. More than 80% of the young girls that I work with have faced some form of sexual abuse; including stranger rape, date rape, molestation by a family member, and on and on. In fact, I don't know a single girl who hasn't been attacked in some form or another (if not fully raped, they have literally all been inappropriately touched or attacked). Its a HUGE issue, and I want to be able to help. In fact, as a part of the MSW program, I will be required to do two internships. I am hoping to work more with CASA for one of them, and for the other I would like to intern at a Christian office that provides sexual abuse counseling.
I also want to be more effective in working on behalf of abused and neglected children. I want to learn warning signs, what to do when ______ (fill in the blank here, I see it all!), ways to help the children and the parents I work with, and what services are available that I can refer families to. Basically, there is SO much that I don't know, and I want to learn all that I can to be able to best serve kids and teens. I don't want to be equipped in every way possible to provide them the absolute best care I possibly can.
Crazy, right?? I NEVER thought I would be going back to school, and certainly not for social work (I have my undergrad degree in business management with minors in history and leadership, haha. I am all over the place!). I serve a CRAZY God! Of course, there is certainly NO guarantee that I will be accepted. I know I didn't have poor grades at Tech, but I wasn't a straight A student either (I honestly can't remember my final GPA, haha). So, we will just see what God has. If I am not accepted to Temple, I will go back to Him in prayer and see what He wants me to do next. Like I said, I am really not trying to rush anything, I am really working hard to seek Him for EVERY step.
Ashley is still laughing at me. Apparently, once I get something in my head, I just do it. I honestly didn't really realize this about myself, she says its true. I guess I can see it, haha. I mentioned moving out of our old house last summer, and withing 2 weeks, my house was on the market. I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, and a week later, I was registered and started training, and 4 months later I ran it. I decided to be a foster parent, and 3 days later I was at the orientation meeting. Ashley mentioned getting my MSW, and less than a month later, my application is almost in. Who knew?!?
I am loving all of it, though. I am so thankful for this time of (somewhat) rest that the Lord has me in, and and I am SO excited for where God is taking me. I am just praying that I don't get so focused on the future that I miss out on what He is doing day in and day out. I just want to be completely in tune with Him, taking steps when He calls me to, but ONLY when He wants me to. Apparently I am not so good at standing still, but I know He can give me the strength to do even that. :)
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