Don't Read This If You Are Offended By...

the word sucks. I know it's not the classiest word in the English language and I am honestly working to use it less and less in my life (my parents consider it a curse word). However, in this post, its the only word that fits.

Being single at 30, sucks.

When I was 20, it was awesome. At 25, I was able to rejoice with my friends as they married and a few even started having children all while still enjoying the freedoms that came with being single. At 30, the freedoms have turned into responsibilities and the loneliness and sense of unfulfilled dreams are starting to become overwhelming.

Now, I know many will accuse me of suffering from "The grass is always greener" syndrome, and you may be partially true. I don't know all the hardships of being married, or of having children. And I have enough married friends (many with kids) to know that its not all candy and rainbows. However, I DO know all the hardships of being single, and I don't think I would mind a new set of hardships, especially when those hardships do come with benefits. (Not that there aren't benefits of being single... I'll get to that...)

I get no reprieve from being single. Ever. While married couples can take time and go out with "the guys/girls", or find a babysitter for a couples' night, I can never take a day and just be married. Or borrow some kids and make them mine for a day. Okay, so technically I could date around and have moments of companionship, but if I am going to continue to follow the Lord... which I definitely plan to do... that isn't an option for me. I'm just not that kinda girl. That's not to say that I'm not tempted to be that kind of girl sometimes. The fact that no guy has been interested in me in over 8 years does help keep me on the right track, but even if I had them beating down my door (and they were somehow able to get past my dad and my brother, haha), I wouldn't settle for temporary relief. I do thank the Lord for doing that transforming work in my heart.

I have to rely of friends' husbands to do the things that I can't. While I am a very independent and capable woman, there are just things that I don't know how to do. Some big (fixing plumbing) and some small (hanging pictures on my wood paneling walls). Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful and SO blessed by the people in my life that help me so selflessly with the things that I can't do on my own. But, it would be nice to not have to rely on them all the time. They do have their own families.

I go home every night to an empty bed. I wake up every morning alone. I carry all the financial burdens of my life all by myself. In fact, I carry all my burdens by myself. That's not to say that I don't have incredibly wonderful and supportive friends, I do. I am beyond blessed by the incredible people in my life. But I don't have a partner. I just have me.

Want to know when the last time guy (who wasn't my dad or brother) told me I was beautiful? I would love to tell you, but I can't remember. Its been years. (Quick time out to thank you, Lord, for an AMAZING father and brother who not only tell me I'm beautiful, but actually believe it. That goes a LONG way to comfort a girl's heart).

I am never held, never hugged, never kissed, any and all sexual thoughts are sin. I've never heard the words "I Love You" spoken to me. (Family members excepted)

I have been a bridesmaid 12 times, and attended over 40 weddings. I have seen countless friends and family members glow on their wedding days. And I have honestly rejoiced with them. I have also wept for myself. Selfish, I know, but its true.

Of course I know there are benefits to being single. I have more time to pour into the teens and kids. I am almost always available to help out when needed, no matter the time or day. I am free to babysit whenever I am needed. And PLEASE don't get me wrong, I LOVE that. I am thankful for these opportunities, and I know that I benefit from them as well. But if I'm honest, I would trade in those benefits for the opportunity to experience the love of a husband and the blessing of children. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, but I have to be honest.

And that's one of the biggest differences between being single and being married; at least for me. I don't know anyone who would trade their husbands and children for the chance to be single. Not one. I would trade being single for a husband and children in a heart beat.

And honestly, being a Christian really doesn't help. I am constantly bombarded with the idea that my "highest calling" as a woman is to be a wife and a mother. I hear it OVER AND OVER again. And men are the leaders, of everything. But I don't have a husband to speak on my behalf, so my voice often goes unheard. Or ignored. Or even worse, dismissed.

Now, there is a "silver lining", if you will. I truly believe that I am accomplishing God's will for my life. While I have moments (okay, more than just moments) of feeling unworthy of being married, believing that I am unlovable and that's why I'm single; I know that isn't true (right?). Stronger than my desire to be a wife and mother is my desire to follow the Lord with all my heart. Would I trade my singleness for a husband and children? Absolutely. Would I choose a husband and family over God's will for my life? Not a chance.

For now, there is a deep longing in my heart that is unfulfilled. I am seeking the Lord a ton (another benefit, I do realize). I am trying to understand 1 Corinthians 7, and specifically what it means for my life. I have a long way to go. A LONG way, but I am seeking. And I trust that God will meet me in my anguish; He will turn my mourning into dancing and return beauty for my ashes. I am aware that my longing may always be unfulfilled. I may never get a full reprieve from the hurt until I get to heaven. I'm on my way to accepting that. God is SO good; always. He blesses me more than I ever deserve; always.

Still, at this point my heart still says that being single, a woman, and 30 years old just sucks.