Family

So, I am sitting in the Charlotte Airport and I will be here for about 3 hours with nothing to do, so I thought I would blog! Actually, I tried to start planning Kids Club lessons, but I wasn’t getting anywhere and it was frustrating me. I still have over a week before I have to do my first lesson, and then I have the week after that off because of Family night, so I still have time, and I didn’t want to frustrate myself if I wasn’t getting anywhere. So, I am blogging!

This weekend was incredible in so many ways. First, I got to be with a lot of people that I really enjoy. A lot of the people that were at the staff conference were on staff when I worked with AIM before, so I already knew a lot of them. I don’t usually enjoy meeting lots of new people, but I really liked the people that I met this weekend (I know it wasn’t actually a weekend, but since it was 2 days and I was away from home, I’m calling it a weekend). Anyway, I also got to meet all the guys that I will be working with/for over the next year and they are all wonderful! They are all very different and I am actually excited to work with each of them. Yay!!

Elizabeth and Frank (her husband) were there as well as Melanie and Ryan (all of whom live in Philly), and I REALLY enjoy them. We kind of segregated ourselves at times, but that’s okay. While we do all live in Philly we don’t actually get to hang out together a lot so this was a real blessing.

Okay, here is where I get really honest about what has been going on in my life, so get ready. The last year (and my years run Sept. to Sept., so I am talking about 2006-2007) has been hard. Really hard. In fact, in April of 2007 I had already pretty much written the entire year off as crap and was just trying to hold on until 2008. It sucked (sorry if that language offends anyone). Not that everything that happened was bad, but even the good stuff was hard. For example, Carisa had a baby. She had a beautiful baby that I am absolutely in love with…but her having a second child changed a lot of things and made it hard. Elizabeth got married. She married an amazing guy that I love and really enjoy and helps me out a ton. But, she was my closest single friend, so her being married changed things and made it hard. That’s life. This year, life was hard.

Then there were the bad things. A “friend” borrowed $1500 from me with the promise to pay me back. He hasn’t paid me back yet. I lost friends. I was alone A LOT. I had to give up the after-school program. Twice it looked like I would have a roommate, and both times they backed out at the last minute. My finances got to the point where I was seriously considering leaving full time ministry. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I didn’t. My journal was soaked from my tears, as was my pillow. My prayers were groaning that only the Holy Spirit could understand…but not because I was speaking in tongues...I often couldn’t even find the words. I fell apart more times that I would ever want to count. Psalm 89. Over and over again, Psalm 89.

The kicker for me was when I went to a trusted advisor and co-worker and asked for help. I confessed my struggles and my thoughts about where I might go with it. I sought encouragement, wisdom…if nothing else, prayer. Instead, I got these words:

“Some people just aren’t cut out for inner city ministry”

Those words swam around in my head over and over and over again. Was the Lord really telling me to leave? Did I make a huge mistake even coming to Philly? Is this God’s way of telling me what I always suspected…I don’t have what it takes, I can’t make it here and I never will?

At that point I couldn’t listen to anyone else; I needed to hear the Lord; so I went to His Word. I dug into it, sought Him and asked Him, “Am I cut out for inner city ministry?” That was a long process. The answer did not come quickly, and it didn’t come without tears. The answer did come…though it wasn’t exactly what I expected.

I was waiting for a simple yes or no. Am I cut out or not? His answer:

“No one is cut out for inner city ministry. Some are called. How do you know if you are called? Don’t look in your support account to find the answer, that isn’t where it is. The fact that some people are being disobedient to my call to support you does not mean that you aren’t called. Don’t ask other people, they don’t know. Only I know, because only I have the plans for your life. Remember those plans? I have plans to PROSPER you. No, you aren’t cut out for this…no one is. But, you are absolutely called to it”.

So, I stayed. When I made the decision to stay, however, I made it very naively. I expected to continue to suffer. I expected to continue to have to push through. To stand under an often unbearable weight. I was accepting the call, forgetting who it was that called me. I forgot, for a time, that He loves me. That He is IN LOVE with me. That He is my bridegroom and DESIRES to take care of me. I ignored the fact that He knows my every thought…my every need and want and TAKES JOY in providing those things for me. I forgot all that. He wants to remind me.

Not long after I made the decision to stay God opened the door for me to work for AIM. My old boss just “happened” to be in Philly leading a mission trip that just “happened” to be working with Cornerstone. I just “happened” to mention that I was looking for a part time job while she was here. When she got back from the trip she found out that one of her employees just “happened” to find another job, which just “happened” to leave a part-time job available with AIM…one that just “happened” to be a paid position. Within another week, I had the job.

But this isn’t just any job. I can work from home, I already know how to do the job, I enjoy it, and they are taking care of anything I need to be able to do the job. My hours are flexible and I don’t have to step down from anything at Cornerstone. If I could have concocted my dream part-time job, it wouldn’t be as good as this.

I praised God. I was in awe of God. But, I still didn’t get it. I forgot that He is so much bigger than I think He is. That is what I realized this weekend.

We spent the first night of staff conference praying over one another. Not praying with an agenda, praying with Love. We spent the rest of the weekend talking over meals, sharing “God Stories” in our “meetings”. Being completely real and honest about where we are and how amazing God is. The focus wasn’t AIM, our ministry philosophy…the focus was God. On the first night Clint, the head of Short Term Missions at AIM, stood up and said he was resigning as a missionary. He didn’t want to be defined by that any more. He just wanted to love Jesus. As we worshipped he cried out to be with Jesus and he shared that at that time God had revealed to Him that He was with Jesus…because he was with us. He stood before us and said, “Trish, I want to be with you because Christ is with you. I want to be near you because being near you brings me to Jesus”. That was the focus of the weekend. Christ is in us…we want to draw near to Him; we need to be with one another. So, that’s what we did.

We had a few meetings where we did talk business, but even those were saturated with Christ. At no point did we try and make plans, concoct schemes to draw people to us…we talked about what we were passionate about, what God was doing in us and how we could share that with people. The overwhelming desire was for Christ and nothing else. I am working for the “Church Mobilization” team. Our goal is to get youth groups signed up on mission trips. As I listened to the people I will work with talk, I didn’t hear a desire to get people in AIM trips, I heard a desire to mobilize the Church into the world. I heard a desire to send and be sent. I heard an overwhelming desire for Christ.

There are people that I met for the first time on Thursday that I know better than people I have known for years. AIM is huge, but this conference was only for the people involved with the short term trips, so there were about 40 of us there. We were from all over the country, and even Mexico. We all have different gifts and even passions. No one else there loves Cornerstone or the kids at Cornerstone, but they love Jesus, and so do I.

I didn’t really get what this all meant for me until this morning. We met together for worship and prayer that was only supposed to last 20 minutes or so and it went all morning. Before worship we started with a presentation on the financial state of AIM. That sounds boring and had the potential to be very technical. Instead, it was saturated with Christ. The bottom line of the presentation…”we, as AIM, want to take care of you. You are worth so much and we want to show you that. We know some of you are struggling financially and we want to walk along side you in that struggle. You are not alone, and you are not a failure”. I couldn’t believe it!! I have never heard anyone tell me that! We talked about ways to cut costs and make more “profit” because AIM wants to pour that money directly into us…whether that’s help with health insurance or retirement, or if it’s helping pay for us to see a counselor so we don’t get burnt out. AIM is a family and they WILL take care of one another. The people that are well supported made a commitment to walk along side those that are struggling…both practically and in prayer.

It gets better. After we spent some time praying several people stood up to share ways that God has worked in their lives over the last year, and one story blew me away. To make a really long story short, there is one guy at AIM that was struggling incredibly all year. He was at the end of his rope and didn’t know what to do. He lives in Mexico but his boss lives in Georgia (where the AIM main office is). His boss called him regularly, prayed for him and with his regularly. (By the way, his boss, Steve, is the Director of Operations at AIM…he has about 30 or so people under him as well as being in charge of all the hiring and overall operations of the entire company…he is a VERY busy man). When things got to a critical point, Steve called this guy’s home church pastor and AIM paid for the two of them to fly to Mexico. They showed up at this guy’s house and drove him to a treatment center. Steve had already arranged for him to get treatment and even arranged for a hotel for him. He was there for 4 weeks, and AIM paid for all of it. He is a new man. Steve saved his life. AIM didn’t bat an eye at doing that…he was family.

What I have been longing for in Philly is a family. Cornerstone doesn’t offer me that. Don’t hear me wrong. I am not saying they should or that they are somehow letting me down by not offering me that. I LOVE Cornerstone, I LOVE the people at Cornerstone, I LOVE the people that I work with at Cornerstone. I have no desire to leave and I know I would be completely unfulfilled if I wasn’t at Cornerstone. The people that I work with at Cornerstone challenge and encourage me daily. I am in awe of the Christ that is in them and SO thankful to be a part of that team. But we aren’t a family. We are a group of people that love Jesus and work together for a common purpose. That is amazing, and I love it. But, it isn’t a family. I don’t NEED a family (I do have a wonderful biological family which is a huge blessing…this isn’t what I’m talking about either), but I desire one. I desire to be taken care of. AIM is saying that they WANT to take care of me. I didn’t even really know I wanted this until it was offered to me.

After we heard that story we spent time in worship and in prayer and I just cried. God didn’t just say He was going to take care of me, He IS taking care of me. He didn’t just provide me with a part-time job so I could make some money; He brought me something that I have been desperately longing for without even knowing it. I feel like a part of a family. I feel taken care of. I feel wanted and appreciated. I feel Jesus.