Roller Coaster

This week has been a crazy one. I feel like I am constantly pulled in so many different directions, mostly between teens and kids. Several of my ministries allow me to spend time with both, but I also have time where I just spend with kids and other times that I just spend with teens. The reality is that both groups need more attention, and I hate that I can't give either the attention that they want. I have been struggling a lot more with that this week than usual. I know its not my fault, and I am absolutely doing the best I can...and the truth is, I will never be able to fully be what anyone needs, that's God's job. Still, I want so badly to be more than I am.

This really hit me tonight as I found out another one of our teens is pregnant. She just recently been getting involved in our teen ministries, but had been away for the last few weeks. I have tried to reach out to her, and prayed a lot for her, but nothing seemed to be working. Then tonight her little sister told me that she was pregnant. She is 15 years old.

After Prayer Pals I decided to go for a short walk while it was still light outside and just pray. My mind wandered everywhere and it ended on, I am a failure. I went before the Lord and cried out for the teens. I don't know what else I can do, but I feel like something else needs to be done. I was feeling like an absolute failure.

Then I came home and went through the kids' Prayer Pal letter from tonight. I usually read the letters to see whats going on in the kids' lives (they know I do this). The topic for them to write about tonight was "If I could spend an entire day with anyone, it would be...". We have a group visiting this week and helping out, and several of the kids said they would want to spend a day with one of the people in the group. Others said that they wanted to spend time with their Prayer Pal. One little kid said he wanted to spend his entire day with me and eat ice cream, which made me smile. Then I read the letter from a 14 year old girl. Here is her letter:

"If I could hang out with anyone it would be with Trish Reed. I would hang out with her because she knows how to have a lot of fun. She is always there for me when I wanna talk to her. I think she is one of my favorite people in the world. I hope she never leaves. She is an amazing person to be my role model. I wish I could grow up to be just like her. She is definitely my role model."

Just when I think I can't do anything right...

Life, and especially ministry, is such a roller coaster! This girls' letter has changed my prayer though. I no longer want to care if I am a "success" or "failure", I just want to be used. I want to be the role model this girl should be looking at, so Lord, make me more like you. Nothing else, just more of you.