The Weight of Sin

Today has been a rough day. I am sinful. I am full of sin, and a ton of it came out today. It was gross, ugly, and hurtful.

I have been feeling the weight of that sin all day. Usually I try and push that weight off. I don't like feeling the weight of my own sin. I can usually justify brushing over my sin...I am busy and I don't have time to sit under the weight. If I allowed myself to truly feel the weight then I wouldn't be able to get things done, and I always have to get things done.

Today, though, was my day off. I didn't have anything to do but feel the weight.

There is a difference between this and condemnation. I don't feel like a horrible irredeemable person, but I do feel like crap. I AM redeemable; but I need to be redeemed. What I have done needs to be redeemed.

As I felt the weight of my sin I picked up the CS Lewis book, "Weight of Glory". There is an entire section called "Forgiveness" and I headed straight there.

There is no excuse for what I have done. Often times I have an excuse, "Things are hard...", "I have a lot going on...", etc. This time, though, I have no excuse. I-in myself-sinned. I do it much more often than I realize, but today I realized it. Actually, someone else realized it and pointed it out to me, and he was right.

"Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all the allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it" ~CS Lewis

I spent much of my day looking at that sin, and so many others in my life. It wasn't exactly fun, but it was freeing. God's mercy is very readily available, thank God. But, I don't want to stay in the sin rut. I want my mind transformed, my heart made more like His. I know I will never be sinless, but I don't have to continually struggle with the same sins. And, I definitely don't have to keep hurting people.

Another thing that I have been examining are the places of unforgiveness in my own heart. It is very sad to say that it takes my desperate need to be forgiven to realize places in my heart where I need to forgive; but that's what happened.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But, to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life- to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son-how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand by meaning our words when we say our prayers each night, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God's mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says" ~CS Lewis

To refuse to forgive is to refuse to accept God's forgiveness. There is no other way.

I need to forgive. I need to be forgiven. I need to stop sinning. All 3 of those things go hand in hand.

Lord, help me to be vigilant in my walk; to seek your face and your glory. I choose to feel the weight of your glory over the weight of my sin. Thank you Lord for forgiving me...for redeeming me.