Such a Blur

The past few days have been such a blur. I wake up in the morning and immediately turn on the news. I sit in my house alone all day watching the news, trying to get things done but constantly distracted. I call my parents 15 times a day because they are the only ones that seem to really understand.

I am sad. I am not depressed, nor do I feel a sense of hopelessness. But I am sad. I am not myself. I can't shake the sadness, and I don't really feel the need to. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for mourning. Right now, I am mourning.

I love Philly and I have no desire to move away. But right now, I want to be in Virginia. I walked out my door this morning wearing my orange Virginia Tech sweatshirt, and immediately felt weird. No one said anything, no one was rude...no one really cared. I longed to walk out the door and see orange and maroon, to be surrounded by people who understood what was going on inside of me. I know that's happening in Virginia, but not here. That makes sense, if there was a shooting at the Penn State you wouldn't find people wearing blue and white all over Virginia. Sure we would sympathize, but we wouldn't really understand. No one here really understands.

Life continues as normal for most of the country, including Philly. Life is not normal for me. Life has been turned upside down. This weekend was planned as my first visit back to Tech in almost 3 years. My friend Joy is going with me, an opportunity to share the best 4 years of my life with someone. A chance to show someone in Philly just why Tech is so important to me. It is still all of those things, but now it will be so much more.

I am sad. And I am changed forever. I will probably never be able to explain how, never be able to verbalize exactly what is different. There are over 200,000 Virginia Tech alumni, students, parents, faculty, and administration that understand exactly what I am saying. None of them are here, but that's okay. Like I said, I am not depressed or hopeless...just really sad.

And, very thankful for my family. I can call them as much as I want, talk as much or as little as I want and they understand. They are feeling everything that I am...whatever that is.

"We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on. We are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech ..."
-- Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet