I came back to Philly on Sunday to find out that this past weekend was one of the worst in Philadelphia this year. There were 8 murders and many more shootings and stabbings all over the city, including one that hit very close to home. One of the women in our church, who has 2 children, discovered that her "husband" (they are not technically married, but have been together for a long time) had been one of those murdered. So much pain and sickness.
I love what I do, but its not easy. My mom said today, "I know you love what you do, I'm just sorry you have to do it there". I actually understood what she meant. I love the kids, the teens, even the neighborhood. I hate the hatred, the pain and the darkness that I have to live in. Of course, I wouldn't need to be here if none of that existed.
On top of that, I continue to experience financial difficulties. My support is not up to the level it needs to be in order for me to raise my salary, but I am finding it hard to live on the salary I currently make. I was supposed to have a roommate coming this summer, which would help me with the bills and make things manageable, but she can't come anymore. I need the Lord to...do something.
Oh, and Linda has hit puberty...with a vengeance. She is getting in trouble in school and at church, and its very unlike her. She is very teachable and will get through this, but its a very challenging time right now.
After-school is ending this week, which will open up a lot of time in my schedule, which I desperately need right now. I have a million things going on (planning for the summer, packing and moving, keeping up with the kids, preparing for upcoming events, etc) and it will be so nice to hopefully have time to actually do things.
So far 2007 has been all about brokenness. Just as I begin to heal from one thing, something else happens...yet I am not fully healed from the first thing. I am constantly finding myself at the end of my rope, on my knees pleading for help. God never fails to show up in those times, and constantly blows me away with His love, mercy and faithfulness. I needed money for a house, and He provided. I needed a car, and He provided. I needed healing, and while I am not healed, He has never left my side as He slowly heals me. I have full confidence and faith that the Lord will continue to provide for my every need, He has promised me that.
Someone once told me that when the water goes over my head, I just need to breathe underwater. I was confused at first until I realized that I, in my own strength, could never breath under water. However, God has the power to do that. He could recede the waters, but then I would be able to breathe on my own. If the water stays high, then I will only be able to breathe by trusting in Him. So, right now, I am completely submerged...and breathing.
On a fun note, yesterday was Paxton's 5th birthday party and it was so fun! My kids and I were invited and the kids really enjoyed themselves, though they didn't get to spend much time with Paxton (they didn't find running around chasing balloons as exciting as a 5 year old does, haha). Here is a picture of me and Paxton at the party...can you guess what present I got him? Thankfully he was very excited about it! Paxton is always such a wonderful reminder of the goodness and Christ-likeness of children, and he reminds me why Jesus says that we should have faith like children. He is one of the few kids that I am around that hasn't been scarred by the world and holds on to the Christ in him. I really love that kid. :)
1 comment:
I know I tell you a lot but I LOVE YOU. I don't know why but this entry has me all teary eyed. Maybe the bit at the end about my own kid, thanks for loving him like you do. Although it's for different reasons, I feel your pain, I hurt with you, and I just love you. Thanks for trusting God during these difficult times...
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