Support Raising

So, it’s March and I still don’t have a newsletter completed and ready to send out. That is NOT okay, and I AM working on one right now, but it’s taking me some time, which is kind of unusual for me. Usually I can get a newsletter finished pretty quickly if I just sit down and get it done. I am apparently experiencing some sort of writer’s block, however, so for now my poor supporters have to check my facebook to make sure I’m alive, haha. I’m really hoping to have something out by the end of next week at the latest. I am working on it!

I think part of my struggle in doing this newsletter is a result of my overall struggle with support raising. I have no problem with the fact that I have to support raise. Honestly, I don’t. But, I’m not going to lie, as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE my supporters, the whole support raising process for me often gets overwhelming. Part of the problem might be that I, alone, am responsible for all aspects of my support raising . I am the one writing all the newsletters, thank you notes, making all phone calls, speaking at all churches… all while still balancing life in the city and ministry. Don’t get me wrong, it’s TOTALLY worth it (and not just because it means that I get a paycheck!). I have the most amazing, supportive, encouraging and overall just AWESOME supporters I could ever ask for. But, the whole support raising process is nonetheless overwhelming for me at times.

It’s not just about the amount of physical work involved, though that is hard for me. I have no problem raising money for things that I am passionate about. I am passionate about what God is doing at Cornerstone Community Church and I will talk to people about it all day. I am passionate about CASA and the work being done on behalf of abused and neglected children. I will talk to anyone and everyone about the incredible things going on in either place and I have no problem asking for support so that the work can continue.

The problem I have is in asking for support for ME. Asking people to send money specifically for ME is a HUGE challenge for me. And it’s not a pride thing (at least I don’t think it is…). The problem I have with support raising is that I am constantly in the position of selling myself; trying to convince people that not only is the work that Cornerstone is doing important, but that I am an important part of that work. I have to convince them that I am worthy of their support, but the truth is, I’m not.

I am not qualified to do what I do. I have been stumbling through the last 8+ years in Philly and am only in the position that I am in because others have stepped aside and I was the only one around who could step in.

I LOVE what I do, but sometimes I don’t want to do it. (Be prepared, here comes some possibly uncomfortable honesty!). Sometimes I don’t want to teach Kids Club. Sometimes I try and think of valid excuses to not meet with a teen. Sometimes I get in my car and drive out of the city just to get away. Sometimes I lock myself in my bedroom and immerse myself in a book, pretending that the story that I am reading is my life. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep asking Him why this is the life that He has chosen for me; why I have to be alone in such a dark and hurting place having my heart broken daily. Okay, so let’s me real, sometimes I hate what I do.

It’s really hard and I am really not very good at it. I read a blog (that I LOVE) written by a woman who called herself, “Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary”. I would disagree with her; I am the very worst missionary. I think about myself far more than anyone ever should. I struggle trusting Him when things aren't even that bad, much less when things get really hard. I am incompetent, prideful, selfish, and lazy. There is absolutely no logical reason for me to be chosen by Him to be His hands and feet in Philadelphia. I fall FAR short all the time. All. The. Time.

But if I am really honest (and apparently I am in an honest mood today!), I have to say that God DOES use me in Philly. I can’t explain it (hence my support raising problem), but He does. I believe with all my heart that He has called me to be here and that He works through me in ways that I leave me literally speechless (thus my difficulty in putting things into words for a newsletter). When I teach Kids Club, words come out of my mouth that clearly did not come from me. When I meet with teens, I have words of wisdom that could never have come from my own simple understanding. When I pray, my heart cries out for things that my selfishness would never allow me to care about. I have insight into situations and people that could never come from even the most educated person. NONE of this comes from me and I am absolutely the least worthy of any of it. But, He does it anyway.

For some unknown reason, God has called me here and uses me and all my MANY faults to bring Him glory in this place. As a support raised missionary, I am supposed to be able to explain to you how and why He uses me so that you can feel confident in your support me of me. But I have no answers for you. I should be able to explain why and how He uses me. But I can’t, He just does.

And lest you think that that my life is just one big struggle, let me assure you that God is FAR greater than that! Every time I cry myself to sleep, my bridegroom holds me tight bottling up my tears in almost unbearable anticipation of the day that He will come for me and relieve all my sadness, forever. When I need encouragement, He provides it (often through my supporters! Oh the irony!). When I feel lost, He seeks me and finds me. When I am afraid, He brings peace. Again, please don’t ask me how, I don’t know. He just does.