Depression

Depression sucks. I don't usually like to use that word, but its the only one that somewhat describes how horrible depression is. The worst part about depression is that the wounds it creates are all internal and can not be understood by people that don't face the same struggle. Make no mistake, though, the wounds are most definitely real.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. As I have grown in my relationship with the Lord, in SOME ways that struggle has gotten easier. Actually, the more I think about it... the struggle hasn't gotten any easier, I've just found a reason to keep fighting. Christ has given me a reason...and the strength.

I go through periods of time (sometimes weeks at a time) where it takes literally everything I have to get out of bed. I go through days in a daze, kinda going through the motions waiting until I can just crawl back into bed. I feel worthless, hopeless and overall just sad.

Please understand, I am NOT suicidal. I do not want my life to end nor do I think this world would be a better place without me in it. I don't want to lose sight of the incredible work that God has done in my heart. There are times that I don't FEEL like my life has a purpose, but thanks to Christ, I KNOW that God created me with a purpose. While I struggle believing it at times, I KNOW that I am created in the image of my King, which means I can't be as pathetic as I feel.

But the feelings are so overwhelming. Sometimes they are even crippling. I hate it. And people who don't struggle with depression just really don't understand. "Just get out of bed!", "Why cant you just get over it?", "Your life is good, what do you have to be depressed about?". Trust me, I know it doesn't make sense and I want to just get over it. But I can't. I just can't.

The craziest part, though, is that I'm actually thankful for the struggle. Of course, on the days when I can barely get out of bed, I don't spend much time praising Him for the battle. However, when I talk with others that struggle with depression as well, I am thankful that I am one of the few who can understand. In my own life, I am SO thankful for the people who understand my struggle, so I feel blessed to be that for others. Well, most of the time I feel blessed. :)

The other night I was hanging out with one of the teens from church. She was at my house for a little while and then I said I would drive her home. My car was at the church (I left it there in favor of walking home on such a nice day), so we walked to my car and then I drove her home.

As we were walking, we just started talking about life. Its not a far walk, but by the time we got to my car, something had changed. The happy, carefree girl that was at my house had been replaced by a lost and vulnerable little girl. As she talked to me about what was going on in her life, I saw in her the same feelings I battle with all the time. We talked for a really long time, and when I finally got her to look me in the eye, I knew. I am very used to teens telling me story after story to get attention. This girl wasn't looking for attention, she was hurting. Hurting in a way that I understand all too well.

The look in her eyes will haunt me for a while. No one that amazing should hurt like she does.

I know the incredible redeeming work that Christ has done in me is also at work in her heart. I don't feel hopeless for her, in fact, just the opposite. I have complete trust that God will replace the sadness with joy, and that she will use her struggle for His glory. He has an amazing plan for her life. But, as with me, the battle continues for her.

And the only thing that makes any sense in the middle of the fight is just, depression sucks.