Weeping With Jesus

The past few months for me have been filled with feelings of hopelessness in my mind and my heart. The struggles with Linda and Bonita have really had me asking a lot of questions. I never thought that my faith was dependent on good things happening in my life, and even after the last few months I still don't think that it is. I'm still single, struggling financially, still haven't sold my house, my dad still has cancer and my brother still doesn't love Jesus. None of those things have changed my faith and trust in Jesus.

My faith and trust in Jesus have not changed with the struggles with Linda and Bonita either. But, I have been asking a lot of questions and really reevaluating what I have been placing my trust in. I have been really trying to discover who God really is and decide if I am really in love with that God, or who I have made God out to be in my mind.

As I have spent time praying and reading, I started to change my mindset. Instead of asking God HOW and WHY He would let Linda and Bonita wander away from Him, and constantly telling Him how all of this made me feel, I decided to start asking Him how He felt about all of this. I turned my focus from ME to HIM, and I was (though probably shouldn't have been) shocked by what I learned.

One of my biggest longings in life is to be known. To have someone love me so deeply that they want to know me, to really know me. How did it escape me that the Lord desires the exact same thing??

So, I stopped asking God questions that I wanted answered and instead simply asked Him to show me more of Him. I started really seeking HIM because I wanted Him. Not answers, just Him.

And the first thing that happened? I cried. I cried a lot. I asked Him to show me what He was feeling (is it weird to talk about God's feelings?) about the stuff going on with Linda and Bonita, and I wept. I wept because He wept. He wasn't weeping because I was upset about everything, HIS heart hurts for them, so much deeper than mine ever could. He was not weeping out of hopelessness or confusion (like I was). I simply felt overwhelming sorrow and sadness at the realization that they were rejecting Him, and He loves them. He couldn't stop loving them if He wanted to, which He, of course, would never want to. His heart is so pure and beautiful, it made me cry.

I wonder how many times He has wept for me like that. Too many times, I'm sure.

God doesn't have my heart for the girls, He has generously given me His heart for them. Well, at least as much of His heart as I can handle. The sorrow He feels was almost overwhelming to me. His love is so deep.

I have wept before God countless times, but for the first time I can remember, as I prayed for Linda and Bonita, I wept with God.