The Post I Never thought I would Have to Write

I really hate to start 2010 on a sour note, but I have something I need to share and I can't wait any longer.

Linda and Bonita have moved out of my house, are no longer doing school at my house and at this point have decided that they don't want anything to do with me any more. And in the meantime their grades have fallen drastically and Bonita boasted on her MySpace that she spent a wonderful evening getting drunk on New Year's Eve, and plans to do it again tonight.

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

I will do my best to explain how this all happened, although I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

It all started actually a few months ago, a little before Thanksgiving. They had a death in their family and started spending most nights at their mom's house, but coming to my house every morning for school. Of course I understood their need to be with family during a tragedy, so I let them do what they needed to do.

One week turned into 2, then 3, and so on. As time went on, they started showing up later and later for school, even missing classes. It was becoming a challenge for me to motivate them to do their work and I was having to enforce punishment on them for the first time. When they had been living with me they had a regular bed time. However, it was becoming clear that they were not sleeping well at their mom's and were falling asleep a lot during school hours.

They started missing church events and several times didn't show up to help out at Kids Club (where they are supposed to be leaders). They were failing in a lot of responsibilities, saying they would be somewhere to help out, and then not coming. They were asked to be in a drama for Teen Club, but came late to every practice, if they even came at all. I started checking their cell phone usage (their phones are under my plan) and saw phone calls and text messages being sent at 2, 3, 4 and even 5 a.m. I set blocks on their phone so it couldn't be used then, hoping that would mean they would get more sleep.

They didn't, and as each week went by, we fought more and more. Their grades were still okay, but that was mostly because I was becoming more and more involved trying to keep them from making things worse, all the while praying that this was just a phase.

I did have a few conversations with their mom, especially when they started missing classes because they weren't getting to my house on time. I told her she was welcome to oversee their schooling, but she made it clear that she didn't want to do that (much to the disappointment of the girls).

Everything finally came to a head the week before Christmas. I don't want to go into all the details, but Linda and I had one big fight (revolving around a combination of her falling asleep during class and her not so respectful words and attitude toward me).

In the middle of a school day, Linda called her mom and asked if she could move back home, to which her mom responded no, but told her to ask her sister if she could move in with her.

So, within about 20 minutes it was decided that she was moving in with her sister and her sister would oversee her in school. I knew I couldn't do anything if I didn't have their mom backing me up, so if she was willing to let them move in with the sister, it would be best for me to let it happen.

Bonita wasn't going to to with her at first, mainly because I said that if they were not living with me AND not doing school at my house, I wasn't going to let them have cell phones under my name. Bonita actually took a few days to decide, but eventually decided to move too.

So, they are now living with their 21 year old sister and her 3 small children. And this same sister, who dropped out of school in 9th grade, is overseeing their school work. In just 2 weeks, Bonita went from honor roll to D's and F's, and Linda went from straight A's, to C's, D's and F's.

And they blame me for all of it. They claim that I am acting different and treating them different and they don't want to be around it anymore.

All the while, their grades are dropping and I barely even recognize them. They are even boasting on MySpace about a 3 day party full of drinking that they have been enjoying. In fact, one quote is that they are "drinking my a** off".

I apologize for not sharing any of this sooner, I wasn't really sure what was going on and I have been praying hard that something would turn all of this around. There have been several ups and downs over the last few months. Everything came to a head just after I sent out my Christmas card, and I thought it was best to just spend time praying and talking to the Lord about all of it before I shared everything. I kept hoping things would get better, but they just got worse.

I have been spending A LOT of time praying, reading, and learning. And a lot of time crying. Do I feel like a failure? Yep. Do I trust completely in the Lord, no matter what the circumstances? Absolutely. That's about where I am. Sad. So very sad.

I will share in other posts some of the things that I am learning and things that God is showing me. I don't regret even one second of time that I have spent with the girls, and I don't blame myself for what is happening. Of course I have been going over everything over and over again, asking a lot of "what if's" and God has been so faithful to me during those times. He is very near to me, and has constantly reminded me that He is VERY near to the girls as well. He loves them even more than I do, and will NEVER leave them. They can push me away, but He won't be going anywhere. :)

I would VERY much appreciate your prayers for the girls. The prodigal son came home, and I am praying the girls will do the same (and by home I don't necessarily mean my house, but seeking and following the Lord). And I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but please don't tell me that this is just a phase and they will grow out of it. EVEN if that's true (and honestly only the Lord knows if it is), it doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't provide any doesn't really serve any purpose. Even if it a phase, this phase will come with consequences that the girls will have to face, and that makes me sad.

How's that for the first entry of 2010? I'm hoping this means that the year can only get better. I will update again soon as I seek the Lord through all of this. And of course, there is still a lot of other stuff going on (Kids Club preparation, leaving my part time job, still trying to sell my house, etc). I have never thought that I was only here for Bonita and Linda, and I want to make sure I continue to seek and follow the Lord in whatever He calls me to do.

It just not always easy. Not easy at all.