Worship.
Though, it doesn't make much sense to me that that's the only thing that makes sense.
I have spent the last several days trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. That is impossible. In this world, nothing that is happening makes any sense. I have listened to story after story after story after story after story after story after story of young girls who have been raped or sexually abused (yes, that is 7 stories). I have listened to story after story after story after story after story of girls who's parents abuse drugs and alcohol (that would be 4 more stories). Its just so much.
I don't feel like these girls are looking to me for answers, which is a very good thing, because I don't have any. I have tried to find some, but so far I'm empty. I do feel like these girls are looking for someone to listen, to care and to cry with them (you always feel better when someone else is crying too...makes you feel like you're not alone). I haven't been the only one doing that, though, they have been doing it for each other as well.
I think that is the part that is surprising me the most. I guess tragedy does bring people together, and God is uniting so many young women in our church and it is so beautiful to watch.
At the same time, though, Satan is working hard to divide.
I have heard several stories over the last few days about ridiculous rumors going around about me. They honestly don't bother me, they are that ridiculous. Still, others are becoming angry and lashing out at one another. Satan is most definitely at work.
In the midst of all of this I have tried to find answers or at least solace in the Scriptures. Instead, I find a bunch of stuff that doesn't make any sense. This is unusual for me, and was kind of alarming for me at first.
See, I LOVE the Word. (You would think that would lead me to spend more time reading it...you would think...). I especially LOVE the Old Testament. That probably makes me a little weird (especially since I had never even opened to the Old Testament until college), but I'm okay with that. Its not that I don't love the New Testament, I do. But, the Old Testament if full of amazing characters and stories. People I can relate to, people I can learn from. The Old Testament has a ton of people that I can follow from birth to death, I get to see their whole story. I kinda see the Old and New Testaments the opposite from most people. To me, the New Testament has the most instruction and guidelines to follow, while the Old Testament is much more about the story of a God and His people. I just LOVE it!!!
**Quick side note: Bonita and Lindaare up to something right now. I have no idea what it is, but it is making them laugh uncontrollably. I think they're trying to sneak up on me; which is difficult with the laughing. I'll just keep typing and wait for it...
Anyway, knowing how much I love the Word and how 90% of the time, I find everything I need in it, you can see why I have been a little on edge. I have tried and tried to read the word and I get nothing. I'm not captivated by the stories I read. I'm not highlighting and writing down my inner most thoughts on how I am just like (or just the opposite) from the latest character that I have fallen in love with.
For me, if God's Word doesn't make sense, then nothing will. Well, almost...
As I was searching through the Word yesterday (I skipped Sunday School because I was pretty sure it was going to include more stories...ones that I have heard and couldn't bare to listen to again at that moment), I first read about Jacob wrestling with God. Jon, the author of the "Stuff Christians Like" blog that I love, also had a blog called "97 Seconds With God". On that blog a few days ago he was talking about Jacob wrestling with God and Jon says that God actually loved that moment with Jacob because no matter how difficult the battle was, Jacob was close to God. I LOVE that idea and will hold onto it in the future (I wrestle with God way more than I want to admit), but at this point in time, I don't feel like I'm wrestling.
I'm just kinda here.
So, I kept looking. I went to the New Testament (not my usual route, haha) and started reading about Mary and Martha. Mary wasn't wrestling with God, she was just sitting at His feet, listening to Him. The problem there, for me, is that I was trying to listen, but wasn't hearing anything. On I went.
Finally I came to the story of Mary washing Jesus feet with her hair. She was at His feet worshiping Him. For some reason, that made sense to me. So I stopped reading and started to worship. Me, alone in my bedroom with no music or instruments, praising a God that makes no sense to me right now. And I found myself, as I praised His name, no longer lost or confused, but in the arms of my Savior.
I went to church yesterday, and that continued. I didn't get a thing out of the sermon (sorry Bill...not your fault at all...), but I could worship. So I did.
So, that's where I am right now. No answers, but complete trust in a Savior. My Jesus is the same as He was before I heard all of these stories. What else is there to do but praise Him?
**I have discovered what the girls are up to. They were playing with Suki, the only kitten we have left, right outside my door trying to get her to come into my room and scare me. I'm not sure what they were thinking, kittens aren't really scary...but Binita and Linda's hair is terrifying right now from all their rolling on the floor...
No comments:
Post a Comment