Grace and Jealousy

First let me say, I have gotten over myself. My complaining is finished. Whew! The Block Party really was amazing and I will update you on that soon (actually, I will update you whenever Carisa updates her blog, haha. I don't have any pictures, but she does!)

So, a huge issue has come to light in the last few days that I honestly have no idea how to handle, and I don't think I am supposed to. That issue ultimately comes down to jealousy. It started on the vacation when several of the kids accused me of playing favorites with Tasha (the youngest). No one said anything to me until the end of the week, although they had been talking to each other about it all week. Once we talked about it I was able to show them that they weren't seeing the whole picture, but they still struggle. They were (are) jealous.

Since then, several other kids and teens (teens especially) have expressed that they feel like I play favorites with some more than others. Its a difficult thing for me to balance because I am more involved in some of their lives than in others. That doesn't mean I like anyone more than anyone else, it just means that certain people need more at a certain time. What I want all of them to see is that I am here for all of them. I am certainly not perfect, but I am absolutely seeking to do exactly what God calls me to, whatever that is.

Sometimes I think, if they only knew...if they only knew the hours I spent praying for them. The times I gave up what I wanted to do in order to spend time with them. The amount of money I spend on them. The number of tears shed over them. But, I really don't want them to know all of that, because then they would also know the nights I decided to watch TV instead of pray for them. The times I didn't answer the phone when they called because I just didn't want to deal with anything. The amount of money I spend on ridiculous things for myself. The number of times I have criticized and judged them in my head.

I want them to know the good because that makes me feel righteous. I want to hide the bad, though, because that makes me feel worthless.

The truth is, though, that none of this is about me.

I am so thankful that life is not about trying to balance the good with the bad; that would get so exhausting! (Trust me, I keep trying to do it and I keep failing!). Life if really about grace.

In order to teach grace, I need to live it. I need to accept and extend grace at all times. That's what I need to do. I'm not always so great at doing what I need to do.

Here's the thing, I really struggle with jealousy. I am often jealous of people that don't live my life (which would be a lot of people, haha). It's so easy for me to see the world through my eyes only and I get jealous of the people that don't have my struggles and frustrations. And its even easier to blame that on a person and even God.

I read a blog that I LOVE called "Stuff Christians Like". One of the updates today was about banishing the words, "If Only" from the Christian vocabulary. I want to trumpet that cause. That's really what jealousy is. If only...my life was different in some way....everything would be okay. The problem is, that statement is a bold faced lie.

But, that is the statement I believe. I believe that God is providing for everyone else, but not me. That is exactly how these kids and teens are looking at me. They see what I do for someone else and think, "Trish doesn't do that for me. She doesn't care about me.." I've made those exact same statements about God.

So and so has a great husband and great kids...I want that...God loves them more because He provided that for her and not me.

Trish has so and so spend the night, but doesn't invite me. She loves them more.

So and so isn't alone, I am. God loves them more.

And so on and so on.

The truth is, I have made mistakes with these kids and teens, and I will make more. I don't want my life here to be about not making mistakes or even trying to take care of everyone. I want my life to be about loving and following Jesus, and hopefully being a part of others doing the same. In order for that to happen, I have to admit when I fail, but also accept that I won't be able to please everyone. Which means people might not like me, and they might tell other people they don't like me.

I am also aware that a big part of this jealousy is because of other people talking about me. One person gets upset about something I did, and they talk to their friends about it. Then they all agree on what I have done wrong and get mad about it. I know that scenario well; I do it. Too much. Way too much.

I don't think it's a coincidence that we studied Mariam in Sunday School yesterday. (The sermon yesterday also kicked my butt, but I'll talk about that later). The last thing we talked about in Sunday School was the scene where Miriam and Aaron were upset with Moses for marrying a Cushite woman, so they were talking about him behind his back (Numbers 12). They really felt like they were right in their judgment of him. In fact, when God showed up to confront them on their gossip, Miriam was convinced that God was going to punish Moses!

God didn't punish Moses, though. Instead, this is what He said:

He (God) said, "Listen to my words: "When a prophet of the LORD is among you, I reveal myself to him in visions, I speak to him in dreams. But this is not true of my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house. With him I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the LORD. Why then were you not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?" The anger of the LORD burned against them, and he left them.

Whoa!!! Now, I'm not saying that I am Moses or really anything like Moses. What I do get from this is; when God's people are doing what He has called them to do, we don't have to worry about what other people are saying about us, God will take care of that. In fact, after making this statement to Miriam and Aaron, God struck Miriam with leprosy! (she was healed 7 days later)

Here's the deal. Moses was far from perfect. In fact, after this incident, Moses makes one of the biggest mistakes of his life (and that's saying a lot considering he committed murder). Moses reacts out of anger and pride to a certain situation and as a result God doesn't even allow him into the promised land!! So, God's response to Miriam is not because Moses is such a great guy he doesn't deserve to be gossiped about. God's response to Miriam was because she was talking about His son, His chosen servant. What she said didn't matter, it was the fact that she felt like she had the right to say anything bad about him at all.

This gives me hope as much complaining and gossip is being spread about me, and it challenges me, as I like to spread my own opinions as well.

So, as I have been praying about this jealousy thing, I have asked God for several things.

First and foremost, I am praying that He will help me rid my life of jealousy. I want to stop looking around at everyone else and keep my eyes focused on Him. If I'm looking at Him, and seeing myself and my life through His eyes, I have nothing to be jealous of.

Second, I am praying that the kids and teens will do the same. Not look at themselves, or me...but only to Him.

And, I am praying that God will defend His servants from malicious gossip. This means me when I am being gossiped about, and others when I am the one gossiping.

Finally, I am praying I can live a life of grace. I want to freely accept and freely give grace in all circumstances. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for freely given grace...and I never want to forget that.