I'm about to get Personal, and its gonna be long

Okay, this post is probably going to be pretty personal. So, if you would rather just read stuff about things going on in Philly, go ahead and skip this one. :)

Anyone reading my blog recently can tell that that the last few weeks have been crazy for me. Physically, spiritually and emotionally I have been on a roller coaster that has definitely been much more scary (and exhausting) than exciting. In fact, I could include my trip to Africa in that, so I would say that the last month and a half have been...I don't even know how to describe it...just a lot of a lot!

There is a trend in all of this, and its a new one for me. I have been through periods similar to this before, but this is the first time that God has made Himself so absolutely clear and almost visible in the midst of my struggles. Those of you who have heard some of my stories from Africa know that I had one of the most defining experiences of my life while there. (If you haven't heard the story, email me and ask me about it. It is a VERY personal experience and I want to share it, but only with people that really want to hear it). Since returning, my struggles seem to only be magnified, with the added struggles of feeling like a failure in ministry, as a friend, a mentor and role model...well, honestly just feeling like a failure.

My hearts cry before I left for Africa was, "Lord, does anybody see me?". While in Africa, I felt absolutely invisible to most of the world...but one night I heard God tell me that He sees me. I heard Him say that I am beautiful, that He is captivated by me. I heard Him say that I have an incredible beauty to offer, and He is glorified in my beauty. (No, I didn't audibly hear His voice, but I may as well have. This all relates to the experience I was talking about earlier...). In that moment, the one with me and the Lord, I didn't care that no one else saw me. It didn't matter to me because the King of Kings saw me, and was SO pleased. I felt like Ester must have when the king chose her, like the maiden in Song of Songs felt when king Solomon looked at her...like Eve must have felt when Adam saw her for the first time. I don't know if any man on earth will ever see me that way, but for that moment, I knew that's exactly how my Bridegroom in heaven sees me.

I wish I could say that I now wake up every morning feeling that same feeling, but I don't. In fact, it seems like my struggles have only magnified since that moment. It makes sense though. There is an enemy prowling around after me, and his desire is to destroy me. After having such a personal encounter with God, it only makes sense that the enemy would come after me with guns blazing. And oh man, he has! I find my self continuing to cry out, "Lord, does anybody see me? Am I worth anything to anyone? Is there really a beauty in me?"

Being a leader in God's Girls does not make this struggle any easier, haha. First, as much as the enemy doesn't want me to know how beautiful and loved I am, he REALLY doesn't want me telling anyone else that they are beautiful and loved. So, he comes after me even harder. Secondly, there are so many times that I just want to stop fighting him. I am tired of fighting and I just want to give in (I am NOT talking about wanting to stop living...but it just seems like it would be so much easier to just agree with the enemy rather than fight his lies). But, I can't. Beside the fact that agreeing with the enemy of the God I love logically could never be good...there are 30+ other reasons that I can't ever stop fighting him...that I can never agree with him and I have to keep following God, not matter how hard it is. The reasons are: Linda, Bonita, Lindsay, Kearstin, Kirsten, Zuly, Melissa, Laura, Briana, Kerri, Katelyn, Kaitlin, Sara, Jenny, Krista, Tina, Jamie, Destiny, Samantha, Jenna, Monique, Dominique, Catherine, Krista...the list goes on and on. I NEVER want them to face the battles that I face. I want them to always feel what I felt that night in Africa.

I don't want to focus on me or my struggles, and I want to give God the glory, because He is far more powerful than the enemy. He is also very creative, which I love. This weekend Travis' mom was visiting and I got to hang out with her for a while. She wouldn't stop thanking me for helping Travis when he was sick and kept calling me "Good Girl". Every time she saw me, that is how she referred to me. I didn't think much of it at first, it was just a sweet nickname that she had given me. Then last night came. I was leaving Travis and Frankie's house after hanging out with them for a while, and as I left Travis' mom said, "Good night good girl!". It made me smile, but that smile masked the struggles that have been plaguing me for so long. Yesterday was a day full of intense turmoil within my heart and I was asking God how in the world I could keep fighting. As I got in my car and turned it on, the first song on the God's Girls CD came on...and I started to cry. The song is called "Good Girl" and was actually the theme song for God's Girls this year. I knew immediately that the silly nickname that Travis' mom had given me was directly from the Lord. He again made His presence, and His truth clear and undeniable to me. I sat and listened to the song and cried and cried...and thanked God. Here are the lyrics (I highlighted the ones that really got to me):

Good Girl by Zoe Girl

You walk a narrow road
I know you face it on your own
But you've got the will inside
I can see it in your eyes

You're not about mini skirts
And silly reasons just to flirt

Cause you've got heaven on your side
And that's how you live your life

Hang on, good girl, you're not the only one
Be strong, good girl, when the pressure comes
When they try to bring you down
You'll be glad you stood your ground
So just hang on

You've seen a lot of things
You're the keeper of many dreams
You've got everything it takes
To stay strong, carry on

You're sick of childish games
You speak the truth and you say it straight
And when your dreams have been delayed
You've got the strength to wait
So keep on waiting

You're not sugar and spice and everything nice
You've got character and you paid the price
You're not after self-perfection
You're living out your redemption

What sets you apart from everyone else
Is that you know your Savior and you know Him well
What makes you different from all the rest
Is that you won't let it get to you

I'm honestly not sure why I'm sharing all of this, but I don't feel the need to hide it. I am not defeated...far from it. But I always want to be real, and most of all I always want to give God the glory for the things He is doing in my life, not just my ministry. He is absolutely so much more than I could ever comprehend. His love is not only never ending, but He will never cease to shower that love on us. He fights for me, He loves me like no one else ever could, He sees me for exactly who I am and that doesn't scare Him, it pleases Him! He will spend the rest of my time on earth pursuing and wooing me, and will spend all of eternity as my husband, because I am his CHOSEN bride.