In a Daze

Laura Jeanne Casteel (July 29, 1980-November 6, 2010)

I am sitting down to write (I am working hard to actually keep up with this blog!), but my mind is honestly in a daze. I am living in survival mode, just trying to make it through one day at a time. I can't complain, of course, since I am going on a cruise in 4 days (The Lord knew in September that I would be desperate for a break now!!). Still, there is so much going on, I don't even really feel like I could process it all even if I wanted to.

I spent the weekend in VA mourning the loss of an incredible woman. Her death hit me A LOT harder than I would have expected, and I certainly have not recovered. At first, I didn't think her death would linger with me. She cut herself off from me and our other high school friends years ago. I can't really remember the last time we talked, and while I often prayed for her over the years, she was not a part of my daily life. So, her passing has not left a physical void in my life. An emotional void, however, is there.

She committed suicide. This incredible beautiful, intelligent (she became a board certified pharmacist while pursuing her MBA), kind and overall amazing woman came to the point of complete hopelessness. From what I understand, the last few years of her life she was so overwhelmed by darkness that she could see nothing else. While I trust that she is finally at peace with her Lord (she was a believer), I can't seem to escape the thoughts of her struggles... especially the absolute despair she felt in her last moments. If only she knew...

Here we all are outside our favorite coffee shop, posing in Scott's parents' convertible. We met at the coffee shop regularly every summer during college and when we were in town for breaks.


The chapel was packed for her memorial service and the place was filled with pictures of her with so many people that loved her. ALL of my high school friends made the trip into town for her, traveling from San Francisco, Boston, Charleston, Indianapolis, Nashville, Philadelphia.... all at a moments notice, because she was so loved. She just couldn't see it.

The weekend it self was a roller coaster, to say the least. So much joy at seeing so many people that I love, so much sorrow as to why we were there. After the memorial service we went to Laura's parents house for a small reception. We had a lot of good times in that house in high school; working on school projects, taking pictures for school dances (they have a beautiful back yard!), and just hanging out. Her mom told us it was really nice to hear our stories and laughter in her home again. I have to agree with her.

I believe this picture was taken New Year's Eve in 1999, but I'm not positive. We are at Laura's house:

I laughed a lot, cried a lot, then laughed and cried some more. I am SO incredible blessed to have such incredible people enter into my life 18 years ago, and still be there today. We got really real with one another this weekend, sharing our joys and our struggles and committing to continue to pray for one another once we all went our separate ways. The crazy thing is, I really think we will do it.

Then... I believe this picture was taken in 2000 or 2001. On the left is the crew of girls who came from Cave Spring Junior High, and on the right is the Hidden Valley Junior High group. This is one of my favorite pictures of all of us, though I am not sure why Laura isn't in in.


And here we ALL are in 2010 (except Melissa, she had already gone home).

As if all of this wasn't enough, we have had some pretty intense things happening at church. I can't really go into details, but the situation has been very hard on MANY people in our congregation (me included) and it will take a long time to recover. All I can say is, sin is SO painful and affects MANY more people that just those who commit the sin.

As a result of all of this (and actually a few other things that I also can't really post here), I find myself tired, confused, and really evaluating my own life. There is a lot of sin in my life (like everyone else). However, I have chosen to either ignore it, or convince myself that it isn't a big deal. But it is, sin is a big deal. MY sin is a big deal. God's heart is broken by MY sin. My Savior was nailed to a cross because of MY sin.

And the enemy tells me lies. And I often believe those lies. Sometimes I am too tired to fight the lies. But if I don't fight them, I become surrounded by darkness. If I stop fighting, the darkness will hide the light. There was light in Laura's life, but she couldn't see it. No matter how hard other people tried to show it to her, she just couldn't see it. She fought for years to see it, but eventually the fight became too overwhelming.

Yup, just kind of in a daze right now. I know it seems like my mind is all over the place, but really, I have kinda stopped letting my mind wander. I'm just focusing on each day and the tasks of the day. And in 4 days I go on a cruise. All the rest of this stuff, will have to wait until I get back. :)