Brutally Honest

I have to admit, I am seriously questioning my call to be a missionary in Philadelphia. I know this seems like weird timing considering my post from last night, but this is not a new development. I have been really pondering this for a while, and in the past I have taken wonderful blessings like last night as a sign that I am in fact in the right place. However, I am now at the point where I wonder if blessings like last night are simply God choosing to glorify Himself despite my disobedience, rather than showing Himself through my obedience.

I have been serving as a full time, support raised missionary in Philadelphia for 5 years now, and I have yet to have a single year where I was able to raise enough money to live off of. When I worked for AIM, I received a decent salary, but ended up going into debt to AIM because of that and had to work part time for them for free during the first year I was on staff with Cornerstone in order to make up the difference. Since coming on staff with Cornerstone, I have been able to raise enough money each month to receive a paycheck, however that paycheck barely covers my expenses, and I don't live extravagantly (although I do have TiVo).

Today I went to get my paycheck (which we only receive once a month) only to discover that I can't get it until Sunday. Another month with bills paid late, fees accruing, and me wondering if there will ever come a day when I won't think about money every second of every minute of every day. I can't even imagine what that would look like...

I don't think anyone really understands (and how could they) how hard this semester has been for me. Lost friends, increased worries and responsibilities, and then the tragedy at Tech. It has not been a time of ups and downs, it seems like its just all been hard.

All of this has left me with the overwhelming need to prove myself as worthy to the people around me, including God. I am starting to feel like maybe He doesn't think I'm worthy to serve Him, and I need to prove myself to Him...and to others. I am working hard on myself, exercising, eating right, sleeping better...all of which seem really good, until I realized the motivation behind it was to prove to people that I am not who they think I am (because I believe that they think I am lazy, annoying and overall just don't want to be around me). I am spending more and more time reading, praying, and serving...which again seems good until I realized that the motivation behind that is to prove to God that I really am worth keeping here. Maybe if I can prove to Him that I am worthwhile, I will be able to get support and not have to worry so much. Ugh.

Today was the last day of after-school, and in some ways it was so great. A lot of my stress comes from running that program alone, and ending it has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. At the same time, its hard not to feel like a failure. I started that program. In fact, I came on staff for the sole purpose of making that program into something. 3 years later, its over for good. I can't even do what I came on staff to do...and I expect people to find me worth supporting? Ugh.

So, now I'm left with a lot of questions that I need Him to answer. I have heard many times before that leaving the ministry won't necessarily take away my money worries. Honestly, I beg to differ. I have no desire to live in a big house, or drive a nice car, or anything like that. I am, and would continue to be perfectly content to live the lifestyle I currently live, I really enjoy it. However, if I actually got a job that paid me, I could afford to live the life I live.

Really, I want the life I have now. So, if this really is God's will for me, I would LOVE to stick with it. I'm just starting to wonder if it really is His will. How am I supposed to know if I am in God's will and I just need to continue to push through, or if I am actually fighting God trying to tell me that my time here is finished? All signs seem to be pointing away from Philly...except my heart.

So Much Fun!!

Tonight I had one of the most fun nights that I have had in a long time. It was so refreshing!!

It was already planned for Bonita and Linda to spend the night, and at the last minute I decided to invite Monique and Natasha. They have had a lot going on in their family recently and seem to have been a little lost in the shuffle. So, I thought tonight would be a fun way to show them that they are very loved. Plus, they have been missing a lot of school, and this way I can make sure they go to school.

Another added bonus is that I have been wanting Linda and Monique to spend more time together. They are both such a good influence on one another. Linda has been hanging out with some girls that seem to be pulling her in the wrong direction, and I wanted to subtly steer her away from them. It seems to have worked...

All 4 girls had a BLAST tonight; going to grocery shopping with me, making cookies with Kirsten, eating dinner together, and overall laughing A LOT. In fact, Natasha has been laughing to the point of shrieking with joy pretty much all night. It has been SO MUCH FUN! Monique and Linda seem attached at the hip, which is so good for both girls. Linda needs a good friend, and Monique needs the love, and distraction. Bonita is, as usual, just content with whatever, and Natasha seems to really be enjoying the freedom to be silly. Man is that little girl silly!

I am really hoping to have more opportunities to do things like this, especially over the summer when they don't have to get up early and go to school. There are so many girls that really need to be loved! It makes me even more thankful to have Bonita and Linda...they are so loving and accepting of everyone, they love whoever I bring over! They do the ministry, I just provide the house. :)

Overwhelmed

That is the only word that can describe me right now. There is just SO much going on! I spent the weekend at Tech, dealing with a million emotions. It was amazing to see so many of my friends and catch up with them, but it was so bittersweet as we were all trying to heal from the events of last week. Then, while talking with one of my friends I discovered that he is having some serious kidney problems and will need a transplant in the next 6 months. This friend has been like a brother to me for years, and that news has been hard to take in.

I came back to Philly on Sunday to find out that this past weekend was one of the worst in Philadelphia this year. There were 8 murders and many more shootings and stabbings all over the city, including one that hit very close to home. One of the women in our church, who has 2 children, discovered that her "husband" (they are not technically married, but have been together for a long time) had been one of those murdered. So much pain and sickness.


I love what I do, but its not easy. My mom said today, "I know you love what you do, I'm just sorry you have to do it there". I actually understood what she meant. I love the kids, the teens, even the neighborhood. I hate the hatred, the pain and the darkness that I have to live in. Of course, I wouldn't need to be here if none of that existed.

On top of that, I continue to experience financial difficulties. My support is not up to the level it needs to be in order for me to raise my salary, but I am finding it hard to live on the salary I currently make. I was supposed to have a roommate coming this summer, which would help me with the bills and make things manageable, but she can't come anymore. I need the Lord to...do something.

Oh, and Linda has hit puberty...with a vengeance. She is getting in trouble in school and at church, and its very unlike her. She is very teachable and will get through this, but its a very challenging time right now.

After-school is ending this week, which will open up a lot of time in my schedule, which I desperately need right now. I have a million things going on (planning for the summer, packing and moving, keeping up with the kids, preparing for upcoming events, etc) and it will be so nice to hopefully have time to actually do things.

So far 2007 has been all about brokenness. Just as I begin to heal from one thing, something else happens...yet I am not fully healed from the first thing. I am constantly finding myself at the end of my rope, on my knees pleading for help. God never fails to show up in those times, and constantly blows me away with His love, mercy and faithfulness. I needed money for a house, and He provided. I needed a car, and He provided. I needed healing, and while I am not healed, He has never left my side as He slowly heals me. I have full confidence and faith that the Lord will continue to provide for my every need, He has promised me that.

Someone once told me that when the water goes over my head, I just need to breathe underwater. I was confused at first until I realized that I, in my own strength, could never breath under water. However, God has the power to do that. He could recede the waters, but then I would be able to breathe on my own. If the water stays high, then I will only be able to breathe by trusting in Him. So, right now, I am completely submerged...and breathing.



On a fun note, yesterday was Paxton's 5th birthday party and it was so fun! My kids and I were invited and the kids really enjoyed themselves, though they didn't get to spend much time with Paxton (they didn't find running around chasing balloons as exciting as a 5 year old does, haha). Here is a picture of me and Paxton at the party...can you guess what present I got him? Thankfully he was very excited about it! Paxton is always such a wonderful reminder of the goodness and Christ-likeness of children, and he reminds me why Jesus says that we should have faith like children. He is one of the few kids that I am around that hasn't been scarred by the world and holds on to the Christ in him. I really love that kid. :)

Memorial

I'm in Blacksburg

So, I'm in Blacksburg and its pretty surreal. There are buildings I don't recognize and people I definitely don't recognize...but its Virginia Tech. Its still the school that changed my life, that God used to make me into the woman of God that I am...and the school that I love so much. The school is hurting though. Everyone here is hurting.

Last night was really amazing as we got to attend Intervarsity's worship event. They joined with Cornerstone Christian Fellowship (the Asian Christian Fellowship on campus) as well as really anyone that wanted to come. Add to that the 20 or so Intervarstiy alumni that are here this weekend, and there were a lot of people. It was INCREDIBLE! We spent the night worshipping together, praying together, and lifting up the name of Christ. We heard speakers encourage us to allow God to heal us, and we felt the presence of God. I miss that community. I love my life so much, but I have never experienced community like that, except while I was at Tech.

"It sucks to mourn alone." That's what my friend Wade said when I asked him how he was doing, and I completely understood what he meant. Many people think that since we have already graduated and no longer live in Blacksburg (Wade and I no longer live in VA), then we weren't directly affected...but we were. We wore maroon and orange this week, not because it was "Hokie Hope Day", but because we had to. Even if we were the only ones, which we were, we still had to do it.

Few people have asked how I'm doing. Wade experienced the same thing. He couldn't take it anymore and came to Blacksburg on Wednesday. I spent the week trying to minister to others while hurting so deeply. I spent the week trying to explain to 10 year olds how God could allow something like that to happen...while I was asking Him the same question. I spent the week crying to my parents on the phone because they were the only ones that understood.

Wade and I talked about what it was like to watch the Convocation Ceremony on TV. We both watched it alone. Cried alone.

It feels so good to be here! People here understand. You look at someone and you know they are thinking and feeling the exact same things that you are. Neither one of you can put it into words, but you don't have to.

Maroon and Orange are incredibly healing. I walked around all week as the only one wearing maroon and orange, and felt so alone and lost. The minute I got here, I felt peace. I felt the community...people cared, and they understood.

It really does suck to mourn alone. This weekend, however, I don't have to.

My friend Wes (Wade's twin brother) is the Intervarsity staff worker here and has had the incredible job and trying to help the students heal, to see God in the midst of their pain and to trust in Him and not turn away in anger. He has been doing all of this while dealing with the pain himself. Wes went to Tech. He graduated the year after I did. His heart and passion is for this school, and for the students here to know Christ, and know Him intimately. Please pray for Wes. The first female victim's roommate is a part of Intervarsity...and she is in pain. Please pray for her.

Honestly, I could go on and on...so many hurting people that need prayer. I know most of the rest of the world has moved on. If this had happened at any other school, I probably would have moved on too. But, I can't move on. I need to be healed. And I am definitely not the only one. So, if you think about it, please pray. We are Virginia Tech...but we still need Christ.

Such a Blur

The past few days have been such a blur. I wake up in the morning and immediately turn on the news. I sit in my house alone all day watching the news, trying to get things done but constantly distracted. I call my parents 15 times a day because they are the only ones that seem to really understand.

I am sad. I am not depressed, nor do I feel a sense of hopelessness. But I am sad. I am not myself. I can't shake the sadness, and I don't really feel the need to. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for mourning. Right now, I am mourning.

I love Philly and I have no desire to move away. But right now, I want to be in Virginia. I walked out my door this morning wearing my orange Virginia Tech sweatshirt, and immediately felt weird. No one said anything, no one was rude...no one really cared. I longed to walk out the door and see orange and maroon, to be surrounded by people who understood what was going on inside of me. I know that's happening in Virginia, but not here. That makes sense, if there was a shooting at the Penn State you wouldn't find people wearing blue and white all over Virginia. Sure we would sympathize, but we wouldn't really understand. No one here really understands.

Life continues as normal for most of the country, including Philly. Life is not normal for me. Life has been turned upside down. This weekend was planned as my first visit back to Tech in almost 3 years. My friend Joy is going with me, an opportunity to share the best 4 years of my life with someone. A chance to show someone in Philly just why Tech is so important to me. It is still all of those things, but now it will be so much more.

I am sad. And I am changed forever. I will probably never be able to explain how, never be able to verbalize exactly what is different. There are over 200,000 Virginia Tech alumni, students, parents, faculty, and administration that understand exactly what I am saying. None of them are here, but that's okay. Like I said, I am not depressed or hopeless...just really sad.

And, very thankful for my family. I can call them as much as I want, talk as much or as little as I want and they understand. They are feeling everything that I am...whatever that is.

"We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on. We are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech ..."
-- Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet

Horror

"This is the first time I have ever been glad that you are in Philadelphia"...that is the text message I received from my brother this morning following the tragedy at Virginia Tech today.

I don't know what to say...if you haven't heard there was a major shooting at Virginia Tech this morning in which, so far, 32 people have been killed making it the worst shooting in US History. I am listening to the news right now and everyone is trying to figure out what happened. How did this happen? How could this have been prevented?

I am sick. I feel sick to my stomach and my heart is crying out for everyone involved. I have many friends still at Tech, and haven't heard from most of them. Travis has even more friends there (most of my friends have already graduated), and thankfully he has been able to talk to many of them.

My mind is racing. How could this happen? What in the world would lead someone to do this? One shooter, 32 killed, many more wounded...the worst mass shooting in US history. Many people will probably be asking "How could God let this happen?". My question, however politically incorrect it may be, is "Why are we surprised?".

I know that we would like to believe that all people are inherently good (isn't that what Anne Frank said?), and that incidents like this are few and far between...but that isn't true. The truth is, we are all created in the image of God, which means that there is good in all of us. But, the devil has reign of this world now and evil has taken some ground. People are shot every day. Women are raped every day. Kids are beaten and molested every day. This DOES happen everyday...in fact, it happens so often that it is impossible to report all of it. And, shocker of all shocks, the US is not the center of the world. Its bad here, its worse in other places. Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Sudan, Somalia...the world is filled with evil.

As much as I am appalled by what happened, and how difficult it will be for students at Tech to be able to walk to class without fear...my kids walk to school everyday with that fear. There are kids in other countries who walk to school wondering if a car bomb will kill them. This isn't the first, and I I doubt it will be the last.

"The devil led him [Jesus] up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, "I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. So if you worship me, it will all be yours."
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'" For now, the devil has dominion and reigns over this world. Jesus has defeated the devil, and we know how the story ends...with good triumphing over evil and with Christ reigning on His throne forever. However, until that day comes, we are in a daily battle with evil. Incidents like this are a sobering reminder that this is true. Sin reigns in this world.

As long as we continue to deny Christ and worship other "gods", the enemy will continue to reign. We will continue to face tragedy like this until the day Jesus returns...until the day that ever knee bows and every tongue confesses that Jesus Christ is Lord. The only thing I can look to as this time is the promises that Jesus has made. He is close to the brokenhearted, He promises to fight against the enemy and He has promised victory...and He WILL return to reclaim His throne.

Please pray. I am actually going to Virginia Tech this weekend to attend a reunion for Intervarstiy Christian Fellowship. It was a trip I planned weeks ago to spend some time hanging out with old friends. Now, I plan to go and pray...pray for Jesus to reign in that place and for God to do something powerful. Another promise He makes is that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So Much!

There is so much going on in my head right now I don't even know what to write. There is just SO much going on! Before I get into the confusing thoughts that roam around in my head, let me tell you about my Easter.

Holidays in Philly are rarely holidays for me. Other than Thanksgiving and Christmas, the two holidays I visit my family for, I spend most holidays alone. Most people do things with their family, and I don't have any family here, so I just usually hang out by myself. Its not a sad or depressing thing, just the way it is. Occasionally I will hang out with the kids, but they are often with their families as well. So, this past Sunday, Easter, I fully expected to just hang out by myself. Bonita and Linda were with their dad and Pedro didn't come to church, so it was just me and Miguel. However, instead of me and Miguel going out to eat and then me taking Miguel home (my original plan), the Hinson's invited us over to their house for lunch! Yay! After lunch, Miguel and Paxton (and the rest of us) dyed Easter eggs and had a blast laughing and being creative. It was SO much fun! Miguel wasn't happy when it was time to go home, but that's pretty normal. It was a really fun day!

I am really glad that Sunday was so great, because the rest of this week has been exhausting...and its only Tuesday! Oh, and I forgot to mention that I finally cleaned my house! I can't even describe how messy my house had become over the last few weeks as a result of my busyness, and laziness. It was to the point that it almost seemed better to move out than try and clean. Finally, though, I took several hours and just cleaned my whole place. It feels SO good to come home to a nice place instead of a dump! Its amazing how much my attitude and outlook is changed when I'm not surrounded by piles of junk. Whew!

Okay, now here comes the chaos on my head. Get ready! :) So Monday marked the return of after-school, and thus a crazy schedule and constant testing of my patience. Even when the kids are all on their best behavior, dealing with 15 kids for 2 hours with help only coming from teenagers, that often need as much help as the kids, is challenging. Rewarding, fun, and absolutely worth it...but still...very trying. What has happened with after-school is something that I should have expected, but didn't and I was thus unprepared for it. I am now integrally involved in these kids lives. I know so much more than I ever thought I would...and its information I can't ignore. When a kids' parents get divorced and they are hurting, I know it. Whether or not they actually want to talk about it, I know what they are going through. I am there as they struggle with their emotions, and I have to try and help them deal with those emotions. 15 VERY different kids, all struggling with different things...from simply growing up and hitting puberty, to having drug addicted and abusive parents. I have to be ready to talk when they want to talk, to understand when they lash out at simple things knowing that they are really mad at something else, to mediate conflicts that are so small in the grand scheme of things but HUGE to kids, to try and teach kids math in a way that they will actually understand (which means trying to figure out each kids' learning style and meet them in that), to to teach them manners and try and help them grow in their social skills (helping a 5 year old who until just recently had been an only child learn to get along with an 11 year old who thinks that the world revolves around him...), and of course to teach them what God and the bible says about...well...just about everything. For 2 hours a day, 4 days a week I am a teacher, mentor, sister and mother to 15 kids. None of which are "mine".

I have to tell you a secret though. I can't keep this secret anymore, as much as I would like to. I love it. I really really do. I love the challenge of it. I love what I learn about life, about the kids, about myself, and especially about God. I love that I have to constantly depend on Him because there is no part of me that can do any part of this without Him. I love the kids. My heart beats for them, every single one of them. When the 5 year old storms off and pouts because the other kids won't let him do whatever he wants, I love him. When the cheerleader runs past me after I tell her for the 10th time not to run, I love her. I get frustrated, there is no doubt about it. Sometimes I don't like the kids, but I can't stop loving them. I love the fact that I know them and especially that I get to love them. I just love it.

My job is different from other jobs though, because it doesn't stop when I leave after-school. When the kids see me on the street, at Kids Club, Prayer Pals, or church on Sunday, I am back in my role of mentor/teacher/sister/mother. I never really stop being that, especially with Bonita, Linda, Pedro and Miguel being so involved in everything I do. And there's more...

I also work with teens. Monday night was a great reminder of that. There are only 2 female leaders at God Squad, and Chris, the other female leader, wasn't there this week. It was a GREAT night, with a lot of the girls being open and honest about the things that they are going through. I loved it and felt the presence of God in everything that we did. However, I had forgotten that I am a mentor/teacher/sister/mother to the teens as well. I am getting more into their lives, and there is no turning back.

Did I mention the pre-teens? I am all the things I mentioned before to the pre-teen girls as well. In fact, I would say that they are the group that I am most aware of my influence. They are growing into women of God, and have few to no examples of that a Godly woman really looks like. So, eyes are constantly on me.

That is why this week has been so exhausting. Not that I am really busy, but for some reason the reality of what I do, and who God has called me to be has come crashing down on me. Not in a burdensome way, but a definite reality check.

I am 26 years old with no children of my own, and no plans to have any any time soon, but I have a stack of parenting books that I am reading. When my cell phone rings, more often than not its a kid or teen calling me, not an adult.

As I look at next year, and continue to pray about what it will look like for me, I am realizing that I can't ignore the things God has already done. I am a mentor, a teacher, a sister...and even a mother. That is who God has created me to be. What exactly it will look like for me to serve in those roles, is still very much up in the air.

I got a MySpace...

Its true, I finally caved. Well, actually I didn't really cave. As weird as this probably sounds, I needed to get a MySpace. Almost all of the teens, and a good majority of the pre-teens, and even a lot of the kids at church have MySpaces. We, as leaders, have been somewhat monitoring what these kids have on the spaces, and honestly its not encouraging. So, after a few weeks of praying about it, Carisa and I decided that it was time for me to get a MySpace. Now, I not only have access to their spaces (many of whom are private and can only be accessed if you have your own), but I also have my face on their sites, as a little reminder and accountability. So far its going really well and I am actually enjoying it. I get to leave encouraging comments on their sites, and it has opened a lot of doors for some good conversation.

So far the only negative has been the amount of time that it takes. I am realizing now how addicted to the computer a lot of these guys are. I am having a hard time keeping up with people while also adding things to my space (mine is pretty simple and it still took me a while to get it all on there!). These guys have to spend hours and hours on the computer to be able to have the sites that they do and keep up with all the friends that message and comment you. Its going to take me a while to find the balance and not be overwhelmed.

Its been the greatest for my relationships with a lot of the God's Girls. I am seeing just how impressionable they are and they are really looking for someone to look up to. The other day I found a really great Christian music video on a website, so I added it to my MySpace. Within just a few hours, several of the God's Girls had seen the video on my site, found it, and added it to theirs! They are really watching my every move!

I am telling you this not only to inform you, but also to explain why I haven't really been keeping up with this blog...and to warn you that it might take me a while to balance all of this stuff. So, please be patient with me! (You always are).

In other exciting news, we had a sleepover on Thursday night for a bunch of the girls in God Squad and it was GREAT! Chris (the other female leader at God Squad) and I have been really frustrated over the last few weeks with the girls in God Squad. Well, not really with them, but with their attitudes toward each other, and toward the Lord. We were really starting to question whether any of them really wanted to grow in their relationships with God, or if they just didn't have anything better to do on a Monday night. It was getting to the point that neither of us wanted to even go to God Squad.

Taking all that into account, we were pretty nervous about how the sleepover would go. Thankfully, God chose to use that night to answer the prayers that we have been praying for weeks! We have a unique mix of girls that could have clashed, but instead bonded and had fun. We had great conversations, a TON of fun and a lot of the girls got to do things they don't usually get to do (i.e., help cook food). The most exciting part (for me) was when we started talking about controversial topics (purity and modesty), several of the girls really spoke up for what they believed in. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't the only one defending the truth! I was SO proud of them! Everyone had a blast and I really feel like God was glorified by all that we said and did. We didn't even have a single curse word slip out of any one's mouth! It was a wonderful night! I think we are going to do it again sometime in May.

My week off is about to end and I will be back at after-school on Monday. I miss the kids A TON, so I am really excited to see them. I am hoping this week off has reminded them how important after-school is, but I fear that they will come back and forget how they are supposed to act (that tends to happen when they are away for a while). Either way, though, it will be wonderful to see them. Pedro and Miguel have been visiting their real parents all week (they live with their grandparents), so I am really excited to see them. I miss them so much!!! I learned a lot about their lives this week from talking to other people in their family, and my heart breaks even more for them as I learn everything they have had to face. Please pray for them.

Voice

I have used this excuse a million times; "I did the best I could. I don't control everything and its in the Lord's hands anyway. All I can do is pray".

The truth is, however, that I often have not done the best I could. There was more that I could have done, but out of fear, selfishness, laziness, pride, ignorance, or busyness...I stopped short of doing all that I could and copped out to "letting the Lord work".

Here's a thought. If I am ever in a situation where I really do think there is nothing more that I can "do" and I need to step back and pray, how much time do I spend in prayer? I feel like I should spend as much time praying as I would have "doing" something.

If there is a teen girl really struggling and I feel like I can't "do" anything more to help her...if I decide that spending time with her, doing a bible study with her, or even writing her an encouraging note would not work...or maybe I have done those things and can't so anything more...if I truly feel that none of those things will help her, then I need to set aside the time I would have taken to "do" those things, and I need to pray during that time. And, I need to do that more than once. In the same way one quick dinner probably isn't enough to help that teen through her problems, one quick prayer may not be enough to fully defeat the enemy that is attacking her.

Now let me add a quick note here...I am not saying that its always on me to do everything. I understand that I have limits. However, in this case I am talking about situations in which I know God has in fact called me to "do" something...hopefully that makes sense.

I agree that praying is in fact "doing" something, and that there are times in which praying is all we really can "do". But, in those cases, if we aren't REALLY taking the time to REALLY pray, then we need to stop fooling ourselves. In those situations, we aren't doing anything.

And we can't look back and say, "I did the best I could".

There is nothing worse that realizing you could have done more but chose not to...

I don't want to beat myself up and try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I also don't want to ignore the power of my voice. Martin Luther King Jr. once said:
"In the end, it is not the voice of our enemies that we will remember, but the silence of our friends". I know that quote all too well; both as the silent friend and as the one who has friends that stay silent.

In the Old Testament I can think of 2 instances where the Lord was looking for someone, ANYONE, to do something to save His people.

The first is in Ezekiel 22:30-31:
"I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none. So I will pour out my wrath on them and consume them with my fiery anger, bringing down on their heads all they have done, declares the Sovereign Lord"
-The Lord was looking for someone to do something, and no one did...and the result; the Lord's anger was released.

The second is a pretty well known passage, Isaiah 6:8:
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here I am Lord, Send me!'"
-This time someone did stand up and do something. Where would we be if the prophet Isaiah had stayed silent?

I think we live in a time where we lean so heavily on the sovereignty of the Lord that we forget that we actually have a role in His plan, and integral role.

I believe that the ridiculously high suicide rate, and the high rate of depression in this country, and probably the world, are the result of an increasingly selfish society...and that includes me.

How many suicides could have been prevented by just one person simply asking, "Hey, how are you?" and actually listening to the answer? How many teenage pregnancies could have been prevented by that girl spending some time with an older woman of God, telling her the truth about how God sees her?

How many lives could have been completely transformed by people spending REAL time in REAL prayer for them?

Probably not every suicide or teenage pregnancy could have been prevented, and not every life transformed...but isn't one enough?

Here are 2 other really great quotes from Martin Luther King Jr:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter"

"The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was, 'If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?' But...the good Samaritan reversed the question, 'If I do not stop and help this man, what will happen to him?'"

I truly believe our society is at a critical point, and things are going downhill fast.

Trish-Don't be silent. Speak Up. Do Something. And if you ever get to the point where you really think you have done everything you you can, then get on your knees...and don't get up until He tells you to.

Sorry So Long!!

Wow, I had no idea it has been so long since I posted, I'm so sorry! Last week was pretty busy, but I don't remember a whole lot about it. The weather was really nice, which made after-school fun because the kids got to play outside for a while. I was actually just trying to get through the week because this week is their Spring Break...which means, NO AFTER-SCHOOL!! I am SO excited to have a break! My schedule is already filling up, but its with fun stuff that I want to do, and its so nice to have the freedom to do things. Tomorrow I am going to a movie with some of the teens and then on Thursday we are having a sleepover with them. I also need to fit in some time with kids this week too...and time to clean my house, but I think I can handle that.

This past weekend was really wonderful for me. I left Philly on Friday morning and drove to South Boston, Virginia to visit my family for the weekend. It was a BEAUTIFUL day, and while I usually hate making the 7 hour drive by myself, I actually had an amazing trip! I got a book on tape from Cracker Barrel and it kept me entertained the entire ride. It was a great book! Add to that beautiful weather outside and it felt like the perfect day. (I love to read, travel, and I love being outside...so it was all of that rolled into one!). I got to my parents house in exactly 7 hours and my brother's new dog, Duke, was there to meet me at the door. He is the cutest and sweetest thing (he's a boxer puppy, only about 3 months old); I am in love with him! Of course, my parents' dog, Malcolm was there to greet me as well, so I felt at home immediately. I enjoyed spending the evening with my parents. I hadn't slept much the night before, so I went to bed pretty early and slept like a log (which I don't usually do in Philly).

I got up on Saturday and went to the gym with my dad and my brother. They almost killed me, and I am still having a hard time walking because of the intense leg workout my brother took me through, but we had a lot of fun. That night all of us (including my brother's fiance, Suzanne) went out to dinner and then my parents and I rented a movie, which we watched before heading off to bed. Not too much activity, but a GREAT day! I feel so refreshed!

Sunday I got the opportunity to visit a church in South Boston that is interested in supporting me. It was really fun to meet new people and to go to a different church. I can't remember the last time I went to a Sunday Morning service (in America) that wasn't at Cornerstone! The sermon was amazing and really challenging, and the people were wonderful. They have already invited me back to speak at a women's event that they are having, which should be really great!

After church, my mom and I decided to go shopping (normally I hate shopping, but we were shopping for her prayer pal, Samantha, so it was fun). We had to go to the doctor first to get some blood tests for me, and while we were there my mom started feeling bad, so she got checked out as well. Its a good thing she did because she actually was sick, but the doctor was able to give her a prescription and she should be fine in a few days. We're still waiting on the results from my blood tests, but I'm not worried.

After our fun at the doctor's office, we shopped for a few hours and then went home exhausted. We both took naps...as did my dad (although he will tell you he was watching the race) and the dog. I didn't wake up until dinner! It always amazes me how much I sleep when I go home...

Over dinner my parents and I watched another movie, "The Holiday". Its a romantic comedy, so my dad wasn't too impressed with it, but it is my new favorite movie. I LOVED it!!! When the movie was over my parents went to bed, but I was wide awake thanks to my nap. So, I got to spend some good time reading and writing in my journal (both of which I LOVE doing).

I got up early this morning and left for Philly around 7. I stopped at another Cracker Barrel, returned the book on tape and got another one. This book was just as good as the first, and got me all the way back to Philly. The weather was once again beautiful, so the ride was again perfect. It was a GREAT way to end my trip.

So, now I am back in Philly and ready to go; I feel really refreshed from my weekend. Like I said, this week is going to be a bit different from other weeks since I don't have After-School, but I know I will have plenty to do. I am excited for the change of pace.