Brutally Honest

I have to admit, I am seriously questioning my call to be a missionary in Philadelphia. I know this seems like weird timing considering my post from last night, but this is not a new development. I have been really pondering this for a while, and in the past I have taken wonderful blessings like last night as a sign that I am in fact in the right place. However, I am now at the point where I wonder if blessings like last night are simply God choosing to glorify Himself despite my disobedience, rather than showing Himself through my obedience.

I have been serving as a full time, support raised missionary in Philadelphia for 5 years now, and I have yet to have a single year where I was able to raise enough money to live off of. When I worked for AIM, I received a decent salary, but ended up going into debt to AIM because of that and had to work part time for them for free during the first year I was on staff with Cornerstone in order to make up the difference. Since coming on staff with Cornerstone, I have been able to raise enough money each month to receive a paycheck, however that paycheck barely covers my expenses, and I don't live extravagantly (although I do have TiVo).

Today I went to get my paycheck (which we only receive once a month) only to discover that I can't get it until Sunday. Another month with bills paid late, fees accruing, and me wondering if there will ever come a day when I won't think about money every second of every minute of every day. I can't even imagine what that would look like...

I don't think anyone really understands (and how could they) how hard this semester has been for me. Lost friends, increased worries and responsibilities, and then the tragedy at Tech. It has not been a time of ups and downs, it seems like its just all been hard.

All of this has left me with the overwhelming need to prove myself as worthy to the people around me, including God. I am starting to feel like maybe He doesn't think I'm worthy to serve Him, and I need to prove myself to Him...and to others. I am working hard on myself, exercising, eating right, sleeping better...all of which seem really good, until I realized the motivation behind it was to prove to people that I am not who they think I am (because I believe that they think I am lazy, annoying and overall just don't want to be around me). I am spending more and more time reading, praying, and serving...which again seems good until I realized that the motivation behind that is to prove to God that I really am worth keeping here. Maybe if I can prove to Him that I am worthwhile, I will be able to get support and not have to worry so much. Ugh.

Today was the last day of after-school, and in some ways it was so great. A lot of my stress comes from running that program alone, and ending it has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. At the same time, its hard not to feel like a failure. I started that program. In fact, I came on staff for the sole purpose of making that program into something. 3 years later, its over for good. I can't even do what I came on staff to do...and I expect people to find me worth supporting? Ugh.

So, now I'm left with a lot of questions that I need Him to answer. I have heard many times before that leaving the ministry won't necessarily take away my money worries. Honestly, I beg to differ. I have no desire to live in a big house, or drive a nice car, or anything like that. I am, and would continue to be perfectly content to live the lifestyle I currently live, I really enjoy it. However, if I actually got a job that paid me, I could afford to live the life I live.

Really, I want the life I have now. So, if this really is God's will for me, I would LOVE to stick with it. I'm just starting to wonder if it really is His will. How am I supposed to know if I am in God's will and I just need to continue to push through, or if I am actually fighting God trying to tell me that my time here is finished? All signs seem to be pointing away from Philly...except my heart.