Really Fun Day!!

Okay, so after my depressing post on anger, I thought I would share a little bit about yesterday, because it was SO FUN! After church a bunch of us headed to Center City for lunch, and of course I took the girls. We had lunch in a mall and had fun walking around and taking pictures. It was a beautiful day outside, so we decided to walk around a bit, taking more pictures. We ended up at one of Philly's gorgeous fountains and, of course, took more pictures. We were even joined by a Star Wars Storm Trooper for some photo ops! (There is a Star Wars exhibit at the Franklin Institute, right by the fountain).

We took so many wonderful pictures, I FINALLY decided to set up my own picture album on line. You can check out ALL of my pictures here. You can also click on the "Trish's Phanfare Pictures" on the right and check them out. I'm going back and adding tons of pictures from the past few years, but its going to take a while, so check back often and you'll find new (old) stuff!

Okay, here are some of the best pictures from the day! (But don't forget to check out the full album HERE!!)

Anger...sometime righteous....sometimes not...

I was awakened at 2 a.m. this morning by 6 gun shots. I spent my first few years in Philly hearing occasional fireworks and often wondering if they were gun shots. Now I know they weren't. Gun shots are unmistakable, and they will jar you out of the deepest sleep.

I don't know what happened after the gun shots. I called the police, but I wasn't even really sure where the shots were coming from. They were NOT right outside my window, and sounds bounce off row homes like you wouldn't believe. I pray it was just kids shooting in the air (and no one got hurt).

I was not angry that I was awakened, nor that I live in an area where that happens. (Okay, sometimes I get angry about that...but not this morning). I chose to live here. I was angry that the kids that I have worked with have lived with those sounds all their lives. I was angry that too many of them have witnessed a shooting, know someone who have been shot, or have been shot themselves.

What really makes me angry about that is that the majority of the city doesn't care about that. Most of the crime and violence in this city boils down to pride. I want something, and I will have it, no matter the consequences. When you drive in the city, you often find people crossing the street (when you have a green light) at a very leisurely pace. They do what they want to do.

Now, I am not saying that everyone in the city is like this. In fact, I really do love this city, and the people in it. For every negative experience, there are plenty of good ones. Still, the bad continues to mount.

Women want babies so they get pregnant. Babies are cute, why not have one? When that baby is walking and talking, its a lot more work and not so cute, so they ignore that child and decide to have another baby. Another baby is not just cute, its also more money. When that baby gets older, she starts over. Women are great at having babies. Few even attempt to raise them.

I know a 2 year old that doesn't have a bed time. She stays up until all hours of the night watching television while the rest of her family sleeps. She is the oldest of 3 and has been pushed aside for a while. She regularly falls asleep throughout the day, whenever she's tired. No one really pays attention to her anyway.

She's 2 and already her development has been hugely affected by simply not having a bed time.

I'm angry that people in my neighborhood choose not to use trash cans. I regularly watch people eat food and just drop the trash on the ground. I have to work hard to teach the kids not to do that. Such a simple way to clean up the neighborhood...

I am angry that my kids know exactly what a drug deal looks like. I'm angry that they don't know that Philadelphia is not a state, but they do know the words to every nasty song about sex that is played on the radio.

I'm angry that I am the only virgin any of the God's Girls know; and there are few in their lives telling them that they are worth saving themselves.

I have been struggling with anger a lot recently (can you tell? haha). The core of that struggle is righteous anger. Anger directed at sin and evil and the horrible affects I see all around me. However, sometimes that comes out as anger toward a driver driving too slow, or someone whistling in the store (I think whistling is one of the most annoying sounds in the world, haha). Right now the righteous anger is leading me to sin...I want it to lead me to pray.

I've started to believe that God is ONLY the God of redemption, and that has skewed my view big time. I believe 100% that God can and will redeem everything for His glory. But, do I believe that God is big enough to change hearts and lives for good?

Do I believe that God can redeem a teenage girl who gets pregnant? Absolutely! Do I believe that He can work in her heart so that she won't get pregnant? I don't know...

What I see around me are situations in need of redemption. What I want to see is people in need of a Savior. God is Savior just as much as He is Redeemer.

People in my neighborhood are standing at the edge of a cliff about to step off. I need to believe that God can pull them off the ledge just as easily as He can catch them on His wings when they step off. Shoot, I'm on the cliff myself all too often, and he has pulled me back more times than I can count. Why can't I believe that He will do that for those around me?

I'm not there yet though...but I know I'll get there. I have to get there, or I certainly won't make it here.

I Finally Hit My Breaking Point...

I know, everyone was wondering when it was going to come; including me. After weeks of ridiculous computer issues and piles and piles of work backing up...in the midst of personal tragedies in so many people's lives around me, I finally got fed up today. Ironically, this comes at the same time that most of my "issues" are being resolved.

To start, my AIM computer is fixed and working. Other than the fact that I can't get my printer to install (which is annoying, but pretty minor), I finally have a real working computer that I am not borrowing! On the same note, I got an email from a great friend and supporter about a great deal on a lap top that he found. He is a licensed computer guy, so he is going to buy the laptop for me, load it with tons of free software (including Microsoft Office! Since he is a computer guy he can save me tons of money getting me all this stuff!) and then send it to me!! How amazing is that?!? Not only do I NOT have to worry about finding the right computer (he actually knows what he is doing), but I also don't have to worry about installing stuff and messing it up (obviously I do not have a good track record with this stuff, haha). Its AMAZING!

So, for all intents and purposes, I am back on track. Some things are still taking much longer than they used to, but that will change as I get the right files on this computer. The main frustration is the loss of standard emails that I would send out for my job that I now have to recreate, as well as all the lost email addresses. Again, a little frustrating, but definitely manageable.

I also finally filed my taxes and I am getting a refund this year! Hopefully this will help offset the costs of some of the repairs and other things I have done on my house...what a blessing!

I know what you're thinking...if things seem to finally be coming together, what in the world could have set me off today? Well, here's the story... (now we enter into a quick rant/soap box...feel free to skip if you are uninterested).

We have a bulletin board up at church that has individual pictures of all the Kids' Club kids. About the same time as my hard drive crash, I took several new pictures of kids to add to the board (they LOVE having their pictures up!). My plan was to have them printed and ready to go the next week...unfortunately, as of this morning, they still weren't up.

As I was doing some work earlier I realized that Jen's computer (the one I had been borrowing over the weekend), had some pretty decent photo editing software on it. All of the pictures needed to be edited and then the kids' names added to them. Jen's software would allow me to do that. The kids have been begging me for weeks to get their pictures up, so I decided to try and get it done today.

I spent close to (if not more) 2 hours editing and adding names to over 20 pictures of kids to add to the bulletin board. Once I was finished I loaded them onto CVS's on line photo site and sent them off for 1 hour printing.

Around 3:30 (I have to be at Kids' Club at 5:30) I went to pick them up. I (stupidly) did not check the photos before I left, but opened the package a few minutes later while waiting at a red light. What I discovered was that most of the kids faces were literally cut in half, and the ones that weren't cut in half had been printed landscape style instead of portrait. I immediately turned around and went back to CVS.

There were MANY people in line waiting for photo help and only one person working there, so I ended up waiting in line for 25 minutes (no exaggeration). When I finally got to the counter, I showed the pictures to the lady working there and her words to me were; "All I can do is give you a refund, that's how the pictures came to us". Did she check to see if that was true? No. Did she offer to check and see if maybe, possibly, they had made a mistake in printing? No.

So, she started to process the refund. Admittedly, I was a bit irritated by this point, but I am very capable of being cordial even when irritated...at least for a while. While she started to process the refund I asked her why the pictures would show up fine on the website and then come to them cut in half. She did not respond. I again asked her what could have caused this problem, and she again ignored me. Her manager came out to verify the refund and I (in a much more firm tone) again asked why my pictures would come to them messed up if they looked perfectly fine on line. The manager simply looked at me, shrugged and then went into her office.
The photo lady proceeded to hand me my receipt and then looked over my shoulder to help the person behind me. Never once did she speak to me or even look at me.

That's when I went over the edge. No, I didn't say or do anything, however I have a letter of complaint that I will be delivering to the store tomorrow. And I had to work VERY hard to keep myself under control as I left the store. I finally left the store around 4:45. I went home and spent some time gathering myself so I wouldn't take any anger out on the kids.

And, I will not be going to CVS anytime soon.

As I was thinking about this later tonight, I discovered why this incident is the one that sent me over the edge. My computer issues have been frustrating and tiring, but they are no one's fault (well, someone is behind this sinister plot...my dad thinks its the CIA...but we're still gathering evidence) and all the people I have come in contact with throughout the process have been extremely nice and helpful. Even the people at DHL apologized profusely after my hard drive was stolen when they left it on my front porch. There was nothing they could do to change it, but they were at least willing to admit that they had made a mistake. The people at Dell have gone above and beyond to try and get me the things I needed, which made everything so much less stressful and frustrating than it could have been.

The CVS situation was different. I was treated like I didn't matter...like I wasn't worth it...and that made me angry. Even an, "I'm so sorry. I am not sure what happened, but let me check and see what we received. Okay mam, after looking at what was sent to us, it does appear that this is how we received the pictures. I'm not sure why the pictures were sent to us like this. Maybe you could try putting them on a CD and bringing that in to us? I will give you a full refund for these pictures, and I really wish that there was more I could do." Is that difficult? Isn't that their job?!?

What I have discovered today is that I like to be treated as a person. As a person that matters. The golden rule absolutely applies to me. I want to be treated exactly as you would want me to treat you. And, I feel a huge sense of injustice when I am not treated that way.

Honestly, I am still pretty frustrated with the whole situation (hence the letter. I'm not good at letting things slide...). But, I am praying that God will use this to teach me about how I should/do treat others. I pray that I treat them as they should. In a very small way, I understand the anger, hurt and frustration that comes along with being treated as if you don't matter.

But everyone matters. People kill themselves because they think they don't matter. People do drugs and drink too much because they think they don't matter. Women prostitute themselves because they think they don't matter.

So, will I show people that they really do matter?

I Have Another One!!

Meet Natalie! She is Bonita and Linda's niece and she has recently started coming to church with us on Sundays. She is only 2 1/2, which is too young for Kids Club and most of our other programs, but she really enjoys church. She is the oldest daughter ofBonita and Linda's oldest sister, D. D had Natalie when she was 16, and now has 2 other children as well. Natalie is sweet and beautiful, but also a hand full. She doesn't like the word no, and isn't used to hearing it (being in a family of 3 kids, all only a year apart, means she gets overlooked a lot and is able to get away with most anything). Not so with me! Its going to be interesting for both of us...


We had a really good day today at church. Monique and Tasha dressed up and looked SO BEAUTIFUL! We had fun at church (I went down and played with the kids in children's' church) and then the 6 of us ladies went to lunch afterward. The rest of the day has been pretty relaxing as I continue to get things done, but in a very laid back way (I should be cleaning my house right now, but I just can't make myself do it, haha). As I was taking the girls home we decided to pull over at the park by my house and take some Easter pictures. I'm no professional photographer, but these girls are so beautiful it doesn't matter. Enjoy!!

My Cat Has Been Brainwashed...

I know it appears that my conspiracy theories are getting a little out of hand, but I'm telling you, something is going on!!

In the last 3 weeks I have gone through 4 hard drives, 4 power chords and 2 computers...and I'm working with a borrowed computer right now until I can get something more permanent. You have all heard the stories of the hard drives and the computers, so here's the info on the power chords.

Gizmo apparently loves to chew them up. In fact, he chews them to shreds. I have seen bite marks on my computer chords before, but he has recently stepped up his destruction. He doesn't chew on any other chords, just the computer power chords!! I mean, come one! First, he chewed up my computer chord, which didn't really matter cause my computer died. Then I borrowed a friend's laptop and he chewed her chord (thankfully its still under warranty so she can replace it easily). Next, the AIM computer. This one he destroyed almost chewing it into 2 pieces. (And before you start to wonder, he does this in a matter of minutes without me knowing about it. He's very sneaky!).

After he chewed up the AIM chord I went and bought a universal power chord that for some reason doesn't work on that laptop (although the manual says it should). I can't seem to find a new power chord on line, but I'm hoping that's the only problem with the laptop. It doesn't turn on at all now, so we'll see...

Finally, I borrowed a computer from my future roommate Jen, which is the one I am using now. And you guessed it, Gizmo chewed up her power chord as well. Thankfully, her computer will accept the universal power chord, so I can use that until the new power chord arrives.

My cat is out to get me!! Whoever is behind this conspiracy to drive me crazy (they must be VERY powerful people) have managed to get to my cat and convince him to be a part of their plan! I am now working on re-educating him and bringing him back to my side. I have bought treats to bribe him, and sticky paper (normally used to keep cats from scratching the furniture) to wrap around my computer cords. This conspiracy will not bring me down!!

In other news, I got A TON accomplished today with having a working computer. I finished and printed my newsletter and it will go in the mail on Monday. I also updated pretty much everything that needed to be updated, did my laundry, returned the 2 hard drives I still had, paid several bills, responded to all the AIM emails I could...which are only the ones I have received since Thursday (most of the 170 emails are waiting for me on the AIM computer that is dead) and even started my Kids Club lesson. I am hoping to have all my Kids Club stuff ready by tomorrow night so I don't have to worry about whether or not I have a computer on Tuesday. I also REALLY need to clean my house as well(the sleepover girls did a pretty good job straightening up, but they left my basement a mess, and there are several dishes in my sink), but that's last on my list since I can do that without a computer. I don't know how long Jen will let me keep hers, so I want to catch up as quickly as possible!!

In the meantime, my cat is baned from my room (where I keep the computer) until he can prove to me that his allegiance lies with me and not the conspirators. He doesn't like it, but he must face consequences for his actions. That'll teach him! :)

Teen Sleepover!!

For years in our teen ministry (at least since my involvement with the teens) there has been an awesome community among the guys and little to none among the girls. I have been praying for years that we would see the growth among the girls that we have been seeing in the guys.

Well, recently God has been answering that prayer in a big way!! Many of our teen girls are seeking God with all their hearts and growing incredibly. And as they grow individually, they are growing as a community of sisters as well. Its so wonderful!

On Tuesday night after Kids Club I had a sleepover with several of the girls at church (they are on Spring Break), and we had SO MUCH FUN!! The girls stayed up pretty much all night laughing, talking and doing each others' hair.


I expected them to want to go home pretty early the next day, but none of them wanted to. So, we got up (most of us pretty late since we stayed up so late) and went to lunch together. After lunch I had work to do (this was the one day that my AIM computer actually worked) but the girls still wanted to stay, so they hung out in my living room talking and laughing while I worked. It was great!!! The girls range in age from 13-18, yet they all got along and had fun together.

That night we headed to Jen's parents' house for a barbecue and to talk with a missionary from Kenya. We had a really great time there as well and left really encouraged.

I didn't drop the last girl off until midnight, meaning that we had all spent over 24 hours straight together. The crazy part is, they all want to do it again as soon as possible!! :)

More Computer Woes...

My computer issues have become a ridiculous comedy of errors that I can't help but laugh at. AIM sent me a computer to use and for a day it worked great. Then, suddenly the computer stopped receiving power from the power chord. I didn't realize it until I had about half the battery left. At first I thought it was the power chord, so I went to Best Buy to get a universal chord. When I got home, it didn't work. So, I went back to get a different one and it didn't work either. So, the problem is in the computer. You're thinking the exact same thing I was...seriously?!?

So, now I am borrowing my friend Jen's computer (she's going to be my roommate soon!) until I can take my AIM computer to get looked at. The computer works fine, it just can't get an power. I don't know anything about computers, but I'm hoping that's fixable.

I'm not really stressed about all of this, its all just too ridiculous to get me upset. The only really difficult part is that my work (both AIM and Cornerstone) keeps getting more and more backed up. I will have Jen's computer for the weekend though, so I am hoping to work really hard to catch up.

Since I haven't been able to do my AIM work I have actually felt less stressed and overwhelmed in some ways (although in the back of my head I know I have a ton of work to catch up on). It has really opened my eyes to how much more time I would have for things if I didn't have to work a part-time job in addition to my work at the church. So, if nothing else this time has strengthened my resolve to pray and work more on support raising (which, ironically, I really need a computer for). I really really really hope to get my newsletter finished and printed this weekend!!!

I have a few more updates that I want to write because a lot has been going on that I haven't had the chance to share!!

A Big Update!!

Unfortunately, I do not have good news to report (at least in terms of my computer). We found out that the problem has actually not been with the hard drive, but instead the motherboard of the computer. In other bad news, its apparently cheaper to buy a whole new lap top than it is to fix the mother board. Thankfully, AIM is sending me a laptop that I can use until I can replace mine. The laptop hasn't arrived yet, but it will hopefully be here tomorrow!!!


Since it has been almost a week since my last update (which I think is a record for me when I'm in town), here are some highlights from the last few days.


* Last Wednesday night we had an AMAZING Girls' Prayer Group. We spent time baking and laughing, then reading the word and praying. It was incredible!!! We are seeing amazing growth among the teen girls recently and it has been so wonderful to be a part of! We have been praying for years for revival among the girls, and its happening!!


* Saturday I took Tasha and A to Build-A-Bear! A just turned 5 and Tasha just turned 9 and I wanted to do something special for their birthday. We all had so much fun! Build-A-Bear is exactly what it sounds like, the kids get to build their own teddy bear. Here it is in pictures:

First, you pick a "bear" (they have all kinds of animals).




Next, you can pick a sound (A got a monkey sound for his monkey, Tasha picked a lullaby).

Then you go to stuff your bear. But first, you pick out a heart for your bear. They have you rub it over your heart to fill it with love, on your muscles so it will be strong, on your head so it can be smart, etc. This was one of the kids' favorite parts.

After the bear is stuffed, it gets a shower.

Then you pick out an outfit and dress it.

Finally, you print out its birth certificate and you are ready to go!!

Tasha (who's full name is Natasha) named her bear Latasha. A named his monkey after himself.

After Build-A-Bear we walked around the mall for a while and then headed to church for an ice cream party. Again, we had a ton of fun...and tried to keep the bears clean.

From the ice cream party we took A home and then picked up Bonita, Linda and Monique for a sleepover. One of the teens, Kirsten, spent the weekend at my house and agreed to watch the

girls for a few hours while I babysat Paxton and Kyler; Frank and Carisa's sons. I hadn't babysat them in months and I was so excited!!

So, after I got the girls settled I headed to the Hinsons for a fun night, and the boys did not disappoint!! Kyler (who is almost 2) kinda did his own thing, pausing occasionally to destroy whatever Paxton and I were working on (which thankfully made Paxton laugh, so there was no complaining or arguing!). Paxton and I had a blast playing games and I barely noticed that 2 hours had gone by. Pax and I are pretty close (he's pretty much the coolest kid ever), so I LOVED hanging out with him.

I came home from a fun night to find my house in chaos and destruction. However, less than 20 minutes after I walked through the door everything was back as it should be. The girls actually went to bed pretty early, though they did manage to get a lot of make up time in before bed.

* Sunday morning I led Sunday School (Carisa was out of town) and it actually went well! We were talking about Anger, which turned out to be very appropriate as one girls stormed into class very angry with her mom, and Bonita and Linda got into a big fight as well. Monique shared a lot and I was so excited that she opened up. It helped me understand her so much more, she really is such an amazing little girl.

Church went well and although I usually go out to lunch with the kids after, Build-A-Bear pretty much broke me so I just took the kids home. I didn't do much else on Sunday other than lead Prayer Pals. Paxton was the only kid that came, so really I just got to hang out with him more (which was again very fun).

* Sunday night and into today I stayed over at my friend Jen's house. Her husband is out of town and she has a small baby and she just feels more comfortable having someone else in the house. We don't get to hang out much and we had a BLAST! We talked a lot, laughed a lot and it was just so encouraging...plus her daughter is pretty stinkin' cute as well. I actually stayed over there most of the morning today as well.

* This afternoon I met with a woman at church who is a counselor. It has come to light recently that several teen girls that I am close to have been raped or sexually abused. They all are seeking help and wanting God to heal them, and we are really praying that this woman can help. The meeting went GREAT and we left so encouraged and excited about what God is going to do!!

* Finally, tonight was God Squad...and it was AWESOME!! My small group consisted of 6 girls, 5 of whom are God's Girls, which was so fun and encouraging. God really is doing some amazing things among the teen girls and I am continually blown away by them...and Him!! One girl in the group (one of the God's Girls) was telling us that her teacher had her class do a project where they had to make up their own religion; including what objects they would worship (a.k.a. idols). We had just talked about the stories of Daniel and the Lion's Den and Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego last week in God Squad, and she remembered what we talked about. So, she went to her teacher and told him that there was only one true God and she could not participate in pretending any differently, so she could not do the project. Her teacher protested at first, but she stood firm and even had her mom write a note saying that this project was against what she believed. He finally relented and allowed her to do a different project. I am SO proud of her!!! (At one point the teacher threatened to give her an "F" for not doing the project, and she said she would take that over idolatry. Woohoo!!).

Tomorrow night at Kids' Club we are talking about Jesus' death and resurrection (wonder why??) and I am pretty nervous about the lesson. I have no idea what I'm going to teach! :) After Kids' Club I'm having a bunch of the teens over for a sleepover (they are on Spring Break from school...and I have apparently decided that sleep is not a necessity). On Wednesday night we (meaning me and the teen girls) are heading to a friends' house for a Barbecue and a missionary from Kenya is going to talk to us about her life and faith (and she's a single female missionary...woohoo!!).

I'm really trying to get my newsletter finished this week as well. I had planned on getting it done last week, but my lack of computer was a big problem. I feel like I am really behind on so many things (because of my computer issues), and all of them will have to be caught up soon (including several weeks of work). So, I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be pretty busy, but I'm trying not to think too much about it and just go with the flow. Besides, while things are busy and so many discouraging things are happening, I KNOW that God is up to something amazing (isn't He always?!?!), so I definitely can't complain (or atleast, I shouldn't, haha). :)

The Conspiracy Continues...

If you remember several months ago I posted a blog about the government's conspiracy to slowly but surely drive me crazy. Well, I had thought maybe the plan stopped, but apparently they were just lulling me into complacency before kicking back into high gear.

Here is my most recent evidence:

1) I came out of my house today to find my car missing. Coincidentally, all of my neighbor's cars were also missing and we noticed that the street had been stripped. What we discovered is that the city decided to repave our street (starting with stripping it today) with no notice...not even a sign hung. So, this morning all of our cars were towed without our knowledge.

Thankfully, before calling the police we noticed that our cars were lined up on the street across the park from us.

They towed our cars one street over; cause they wanted to.

2) As you know, my hard drive crashed last Tuesday. I immediately ordered a new one that was supposed to arrive on Thursday. When it came I discovered it was the wrong part so I had to call Dell and order a new one. The correct part was supposed to arrive on Friday.

I went on line (on another borrowed computer) today to check the status of my hard drive and DHL informed me that the package had been delivered. After some more phone calls it was discovered that the DHL driver left the package on my front door.

I asked the DHL representative if that was standard practice for them and she informed me that the driver is allowed to leave a package at someone's door if they deem it safe.

So, apparently the DHL driver that delivered my package is the biggest idiot to ever walk this earth. I am not sure what about my narrow street full of trash, abandoned houses, and drug dealers on the corner made him feel safe, but he apparently saw no problems with leaving my package on my door (and incidentally, I don't even have a screen door for him to close the package in with...he might as well have just left it in the middle of the street!).

Needless to say, my package was stolen and I had to file a claim with Dell and with DHL. They are hoping that my new package (that I am having delivered to the Hinsons house cause they DO have a screen door and are home more than I am) will be here by Thursday or Friday...meaning that I will have 7 days of work to make up with AIM.

Oh, and incidentally..the only reason I wasn't here yesterday when the package was delivered was because I had to go to my friend Elizabeth's house to borrow her computer so I could get my Kids Club stuff ready for tonight.

I'm actually taking this all pretty well...other than still being in some pretty serious shock that ANYONE would deem my street safe enough to leave a packing sitting on my front step.

I'm putting together quite a bit of evidence toward my conspiracy theory...I think I'll have enough to take to the newspapers soon...

Still No Computer

I just wanted to quickly update you all and let you know that I am still waiting for a new hard drive for my computer (that will soon be sold so I can get a new new one!). I am actually using a friends computer for a few seconds to update, but hopfully I will be back on line soon.

Things are a bit crazy in Philly with a lot going on around me, but in the midst I am feeling peace and actually finding purppose...neither of which come natrally to me, so you know its all God! I'll give more details soon.

Please pray that I will have my computer up and running by tomorrow...I need it or Kids Club!! :)

Hopefully you'll be hearing good news from me soon.

I Miss My Family

This is going to be a pretty short blog post, I have to clean my room, haha. Seriously, I do. I am rearranging it with some new furniture tomorrow, so tonight I must clean! I'm slowly but surely getting ready to have a roommate in May! I have lived by myself for over 2 years, so I need to make some room for someone else, finally.

Today I found myself really missing my family. Its always been a bit weird for me to live in Philly, so far away from my parents and my brother. I'm not hugely dependant on my family and have always been very independent. When I turned 18, I left home, went to college and really never turned back. I went on mission trips every spring break and while I did live at home every summer, it was really only to save money as I worked 3 jobs to pay for school. Still, I really like my family, enjoy being around them and I miss them when I don't get to see them. While I have no desire to move to be closer to them, I would have no problem with them moving closer to me. :)

Last semester (because I work with kids and teens I still go by the school year instead of the calendar year) I saw my parents every month. September is my usual trip home, I made a surprise trip to see my family in October, I was home for Thanksgiving in November and then Christmas in December. I haven't seen them since then. I know that isn't a lot of time (I have gone much longer without seeing them), but I still miss them. And actually, this year my brother and I didn't get to see each other at Christmas, so its been even longer since I have seen him. Did I mention that I miss them?!?

Hopefully I went get to NC to see them sometime in May...and I know they are trying to make a trip here sometime as well. In the meantime I will be missing them...of course, I can call them...

I'm Frustrated

Okay, I have held off on writing this post for the last few days because I was trying to get over my frustration and just push through. I absolutely know that things could be worse, and I don't feel at the end of my rope. Nonetheless, I am frustrated.

The last 2 weeks have been one crazy thing after the other, and they have built up fast. In 14 days:

1. Bonita has surgery on her hand (7 hours in the hospital)
2. I get locked in my bedroom
3. Bonita and Linda have their final truancy court appearance (4 hours at court)
4. My boss gets married the same day as a major AIM deadline. All but 2 people on our team attend the wedding (I am one of the 2), leaving only 2 of us to handle hundreds of phone calls and emails in one day.
5. I get into a car accident...and now the guy I hit is making false claims.
6. Some pretty serious issues of abuse come to light with one of the kids I am VERY close to.
7. My computer's hard drive dies and I have to get new one. (Actually, I got the new one and now have no idea how to install it). I did back most things up, so I didn't lose much...except a ton of emails. The computer thing could be so much worse...but even this much is a HUGE pain!!!!

Because of my computer issues (I'm using a borrowed one right now), I have had to take 2 days off work, and since I can't get the hard drive installed, it looks like I will miss tomorrow as well. Since I'm part time, I don't get vacation days, so I will have to make up the hours that I have missed.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have to completely rearrange the upstairs of my house this weekend...including buying and putting together some new furniture. Why? Well, I can't go into a lot of details but basically I need to make my guest bedroom kid compatible. Bonita and Linda have a room in the basement and I have decided that I need to give Monique and Tasha a room as well. I don't want them to take over Bonita and Linda's room, so until I get a roommate (in May), I am converting my guest room into a room for Monique and Tasha (not sure what I'll do after that). And it needs to be done this weekend.

And finally, I am also looking to buy a new computer. I have been getting advice from my dad (and I'm open to more!) and am hoping to buy soon. I have been talking about getting a new laptop for a while (my current one is over 3 years old), mainly because I can't do what I need to do with my current laptop. So, while the new hard drive will give me access to a computer (assuming I can install the new hard drive), it doesn't solve all of my problems.

When you put everything together, to me its just a lot. Especially when you pile on top of that regular AIM stuff, God Squad, Kids Club, Prayer Pals, Girls Prayer Group, Teen Club, God's Girls, and I recently started tutoring 2 girls in math and reading. I don't really feel stressed, I almost think its so much and some of it is so weird that I am just not surprised by much. But, while I'm not really stressed, I am pretty tired.

One bright spot for me over the last few weeks has been having 2 really close friends come and visit me (at 2 different times in the last 2 weeks...whew!) I LOVED spending time with them and they were both HUGE encouragements to me...and we had a lot of fun! Of course, with both visits I spent way to much time hanging out and talking and not a lot of time sleeping. That might have contributed to why I feel so tired...

So, that's where I am right now. I don't even really know how I feel about everything except to say frustrated...yet I don't like just saying that, because I'm also okay. I guess tired might be the better word.

Of course, while I'm tired, my mind is still always going. :) As I mentioned earlier, I am tutoring 2 girls in math and reading and so far its going GREAT! So, I am reevaluating after-school in the fall and actually working on creating a one on one tutoring program instead of after-school. I'm REALLY excited about it and believe 100% that God is behind all of it, so we'll see where He takes it!

I'm also continuing to work on support raising (which is a big part of why I need a new laptop). And finally I am pursuing training as a foster parent. Don't worry, I am NOT actually becoming a foster parent, I just think the training will be very helpful.

That's about everything in a nut shell. In some ways I feel great...led by the Spirit, and I'm so tired I don't often find myself getting in His ways. In other ways, though, I am very tired and ready for a break from the crazy unexpected. Even for just a day...

Peter was no better than Judas

Starting last week and over the next few weeks in Kids Club we will be talking about Jesus death and resurrection (obviously, we are approaching Easter). I have been reading a lot in the word about Jesus death and learning so much more than I ever knew before. Recently I have been focusing on the people that were around Jesus and how they reacted to this time in Jesus life.

In the last week one of my main focuses has been Judas. I have spent some time reading the different accounts of his betrayal and I really think I am seeing him in a new light. And as I see him in a new light, I am seeing a change in my approach to ministry. I think I can learn a lot from Judas struggles in terms of how I treat others in their sin (and myself as well).

I think for many of us the focus is on confessing our sins (which is not bad). If we admit what we have done wrong, then we will be healed. But, I'm realizing how often we forget to tell people that its not enough for people to just feel bad about what they have done, that's not how you receive forgiveness. Remorse and guilt lead to nothing...the forgiveness of Christ leads to life. I am not directing this post toward people who are struggling in sin. I am directing this to the church; are we pointing out the sin without pointing to the cross? Are we trying to invoke remorse and forgetting the most important step?

We always look at Judas as the bad guy in the story. No one ever minds when the villain dies and I think thats how we have always seen Judas. But, if you read his reaction to Jesus being condemned to death, I don't see a villain. I see the same thing in him that I see in Peter after he denies Jesus.

Here is Judas' reaction:

"When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. "I have sinned," he said, "for I have betrayed innocent blood." "

**Interesting side note: notice that when Judas realized his sin, he went to the PRIESTS and ELDERS and confessed his sin. Did they point him toward God and redemption? No, here was their response:

"What is that to us?" they replied. "That's your responsibility." I've heard that before...

Here is Peter's:

Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Before Judas betrayed Jesus, Jesus warned Him it would happen. Jesus told Judas He knew about the betrayal. Before Peter denied Jesus, Jesus also warned him it would happen. In neither case did the warning keep these men from sinning. So, is Peter really less of a sinner than Judas?

After they each betrayed Jesus, they were both overwhelmed with remorse. Judas confessed in front of people that He had betrayed innocent blood. He confessed his sins!!! Peter didn't even really do that, he just went out and cried.

Of course, we would all like to think that Judas' betrayal was way worse than Peter's, but I don't think it was. Sure, Judas' betrayal sent Jesus to the cross...but we know there's more to the story. Jesus HAD to go to the cross, and He had to go because of my sin. Because of your sin. Judas definitely sinned, but he certainly isn't the reason that Jesus died on the cross. I am.

So, what is the difference between Judas and Peter? I truly believe that despite having spent 3 years with Jesus, learning and seeing the same things Peter did, Judas still never really knew who Jesus was. He never understood that Jesus was God in the flesh coming to save ALL people. Peter got that, but Judas didn't.

You can see this by the next steps each man took. Judas, filled with remorse and feeling completely hopeless, went and hung himself. He saw no other way.

Peter, filled with remorse, did not feel hopeless. While he had no idea exactly what was to come, he still knew that Jesus was all that He has said He was, and probably more. So Peter trusted, had faith, and waited for the redemption that Jesus promised. He didn't know how it was going to happen exactly, but he knew it would happen.

I wonder how many Judas' are out there, feeling true sorrow and remorse for their sins but have no idea what to do with that. And I really wonder how many of us are trying to bring about remorse instead of leading them to forgiveness.

Judas thought he had sinned to the point of no return, and despite having lived with Jesus for 3 years didn't think he could go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness. How many Sunday morning sermons point people to their sin instead of the cross? Judas thought the only way out for him was to hang on a tree...and in some ways he was right. What he didn't know was that Jesus was already hanging on that tree so Judas wouldn't have to.

Is that what we tell people? When they feel remorse, do we tell them that they don't have to die...or do we tell them that they need to face consequences for the wrong they have done and only after the church elders have agreed that they are truly remorseful will they be allowed to receive forgiveness. I know that sounds a little harsh...but you know I'm not that far off with many of our churches.

The bible tells us that the whole reason that God created the law was NOT so that we would have a list of rules to follow. The reason was to show is that there is NO WAY we could ever be righteous on our own, we NEED a Savior. The law was preparation for Jesus. So why in the world do we focus so much on people following a law that even God tells us is impossible for us to follow?!? (Although, if you think I am saying that means we can all just do whatever we want, read Romans 6).

As I write this, I am also talking to myself. If you look at the scripture you see 2 kinds of people. You see the religious leaders who told people what they should and shouldn't do, who thought that while they weren't perfect, they certainly didn't commit the sins that other people did. And how did Jesus view the religious leaders? He called them hypocrites and vipers...and they the only people that actually made Jesus angry.

Then you have the prostitutes, the greedy tax collectors, the drunkards and the worst of the worst. Those were the people Jesus showed compassion to, spent time with, healed and forgave.

Which one an I? I don't want to answer that...

Sometimes I feel like in the American church today we have the big 3 sins. As long as you avoid these, you can simply confess your sins to Christ and be forgiven. However, if you struggle with "The Big 3", then more must be done.

1) sex/pornography
2) drugs/alcohol
3) homosexuality

(And I think television and movies could almost be added to the list). I'm not saying that these things aren't sins or that we need to overlook them. What I am saying is, do you think that maybe if people truly understood who Christ is that they would continue in these sins without remorse? Do we need to constantly remind people that these things are sins, or do we need to spend more time pointing to the ONLY ONE that can lead them out of this sin? I think we are deceived into thinking that we can convict people of their sin. The bible tells us that the Holy Spirit convicts, so what are we doing? We are condemning people.

I'm not saying that pointing out sin is automatically condemning. I'm saying, that pointing out sin without sharing the freedom and redemption offered FREELY by Christ, NO MATTER WHAT, is condemnation.

Peter sinned and so did Judas. Peter repented of his sin and so did Judas. But, Peter understood who Jesus was. Judas didn't.

Ultimately, that's the difference. And the result? Judas killed himself and never received the forgiveness readily available. Peter received forgiveness and went on to share the love of Christ with thousands.

So, are we pointing to the sin, or to the cross? Are we teaching and showing people who Jesus really is? Are we teaching them how to be intimate with Him? Are we showing them how personal He is? Do they really understand that He will NEVER leave them or forsake them?

I am asking myself this question a lot. As I look around me and see hurting people, I'm starting to not see their sin (although I struggle with that a lot. Its very easy for me to see people's faults above who they really are). I am praying to not see their sin. Instead, I want to see people for who they are...desperate to know their Bridegroom. Desperate to be saved. And I want to be CONSTANTLY reminded that I can't save a single one...but I can point to the Savior.

I want to point to the Savior. I want my life to point to the Savior. I don't want people to feel condemned or ashamed when they are around me! The bible says "those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame" (Psalm 34:5). I want people to come to me and received freedom and life because they have met the Savior!! I want every part of my life, my speech and my actions to point to the Savior.