Temptation and Impatience

A while ago I promised to be pretty honest in this blog about what it was like to be a single woman. I haven't lied at all about anything here, but I have ignored probably the biggest struggles that I face...temptation and impatience. Its not the kind of temptation that you're thinking though, at least not in the way you are probably thinking about it.

The temptation I am referring to is to forget, or even willfully ignore, who God really is...how good He REALLY is. Of course, this temptation is not unique to single women, but the reasons behind it and how it manifests itself, are.

I am tempted, way more often than I would ever want to admit, to abandon my beliefs and seek solace and comfort in the arms of someone else, even if its just for a moment.

Life is lonely. I know its not just that way for singles, but singles aren't just lonely, we are actually alone, which is an added dimension to loneliness. I think we, meaning society, trivialize loneliness sometimes. I'm not complaining because I don't have things to do on the weekend. It doesn't make me sad that I sit at home alone at night. Those are things you can get used to, and even learn to enjoy.

The loneliness that I am talking about is the feeling that there is no one that really knows you, and no one who is trying to know you. No one REALLY wants to know you. Its going through some of the deepest struggles of your entire life, and doing it alone; with no one to even talk to, much less be comforted by. Its wanting to physically feel love, but never getting to. Its the realization that there is something out there that is so beautiful and wonderful people are willing to give up everything to have it...but you don't have it. And you don't know if you ever will.

Everyone faces loneliness. I guess even married people are tempted to seek solace from loneliness in the arms of their spouse rather than the arms of God. I'm not sure if that is a sin or not, though. I do know, however, that for me; as a single woman, seeking solace from loneliness in the arms of a man IS a sin. Yet I am SO tempted to do just that...

I am a smart person. Pretty well educated and I don't usually make rash decisions; at least not life altering ones. I think through things, pray through everything, seek the scripture for answers before I do anything. Logic rules almost all in my head, which is most cases is a huge blessing. In most cases, life is pretty black and white for me. If its right, then its right for everyone. If its wrong, then its wrong and there is no excuse for it. I've never been tempted by drugs because they don't make sense to me. Same with alcohol and even meaningless relationships. Why would I waste my time on those things??

But loneliness is so overwhelming and at time torturous (why do you think solitary confinement is the worst level of punishment a prisoner can receive next to death??), that even for me logic can very easily go out the window, and instead be replaced with a desire to just be freed. Be freed from the loneliness...even for a moment.

And here let me remind you, the struggle is not with moments of feeling alone. I know we all have that. The struggle is with the NEVER ENDING realization that you are not known, not pursued, not comforted, not held...not chosen.

AND...the constant voice of the world telling you there is a way to feel loved (notice I didn't say BE loved); to feel known, pursued, comforted, held and even chosen. It will only last for a time, and it isn't real...you know that...but for a fleeting moment it will feel real. For a fleeting moment it won't hurt anymore...

I've heard that's the allure of drugs and alcohol too. I guess that's the allure of sin in general...

I am SO tempted, FAR too often, to just quit. At the very least, I would get to feel something different!! And I have some bad news for young singles...it does NOT get easier. The older you get, the harder all of this becomes. Time seems to whittle away at that hope and doubt replaces it. The future begins to look bleaker, and your resolve to fight weakens (if you don't fight against it). I don't think, "Well, I've waited this long, don't quit now", I think; "I've waited long enough! I gave God the chance to do it His way and He didn't, so now its my turn!". Not exactly godly, but true nonetheless.

When I was younger I just KNEW God had a plan for my life and if I trusted in that, I would be taken care of. I had hopes, dreams and desires and I placed them all in the hands of God and just waited for Him to perfect them.

And almost 30 years later, He is still holding on to those hopes and dreams. And I am still alone. I know He isn't WITHholding those dreams, but I have to admit that sometimes it feels like He is.

I am also tempted (although not as often), to take matters into my own hands and try and make something happen. I'm tempted by this less often because my greatest desire is to be pursued, and that desire usually outweighs my desire for momentary comfort. Not always though. There are times when I am being only 1/2 way irrational and only 1/2 driven by the dull ache in my heart and I realize that I still DO want only what God wants...I just want to make it happen faster than He apparently wants to.

Temptation and Impatience.

If I'm truly honest with myself, I fight this battle in my head daily. Hourly. I would say that at this point in my life, it is my absolute #1 struggle. I'm not sure if I would say its the proverbial "thorn in my flesh", but it is gut wrenching, overwhelming, at times all consuming, heartbreaking and exhausting. And needless to day, I talk to God about it A LOT.

I say all of this because I don't think we talk openly and honestly enough about just how deep some of our struggles go. Its very easy to gloss over things and encourage people to have faith and trust God. The truth is, though, I am talking about a struggle that potentially will only be relieved upon death. There is no guarantee at all that the deepest desire of my heart will be fulfilled while I am here on earth.

That's very hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes.

Of course, I am certainly not the only one facing this. And deep struggles like this don't just come in the form of loneliness. Some people will face physical or even emotional handicaps throughout their entire lives. Some people will never be able to have children, others will battle addiction for their entire lives. We all have struggles and hardship and rarely know exactly when the battle will be over (only to move on to the next one).

I recently listed to a sermon by John Piper titled: "Battling the Unbelief of Impatience", and this is how he started it:

"The opposite of impatience is not a glib, superficial denial of frustration. The opposite of impatience is a deepening, sweetening willingness to stand in the place that God has appointed, or to move at the pace that God has appointed". ~ John Piper

Here is the sad realization that I came to while listening to this sermon...I don't want to battle impatience. I want God to give me what I want.

That's not good.

What I also realized, however, is that what is at stake in the struggle is not simply my purity (although that is no small thing). What is at stake here is my FAITH. Everything that I believe in is at stake in this battle, so I better take it seriously.

Isaiah 30: 1-3;

"Woe to the obstinate children,"
declares the LORD,
"to those who carry out plans that are not mine,
forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit,
heaping sin upon sin;
who go down to Egypt
without consulting me;
who look for help to Pharaoh's protection,
to Egypt's shade for refuge.
But Pharaoh's protection will be to your shame,
Egypt's shade will bring you disgrace

This comes from the Israelites asking God for protection and not being happy with his seeming lack of response, so they did their own thing, taking care of themselves.

Here is how I read that:

Woe to the obstinate daughter, declares the Lord, who carries out plans that are not mine, joining herself to another, not by my Spirit; heaping sin upon sin, who went out without consulting me to look for a man's protection, to the world for refuge. But, that man's protection will only bring you shame, the world will bring you disgrace.

Ouch. Okay, you've scared me enough to keep me from ACTING irrationally, Lord, but what about my heart?!? How do I get up every day knowing the battle that is ahead, and NOT knowing when or if it will ever end???

Well, start with verses 15 and 18 of this chapter:

¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Then you can move onto Isaiah 49:23:

²³ Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame.

And then on to Isaiah 64:4:

⁴ Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

He is not a PASSIVE God. He ACTS, meaning that He actively does things on behalf of those who wait for Him. If He IS withholding something, it is an action being done FOR me, NOT against me. And, at the same time, He continually acts on my behalf...in ways that no one has ever seen before. What does that look like? We see at least part of what it looks like in;

Isaiah 40:31:

³¹Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run, and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

I don't want to overlook Isaiah 30:1-3, though. My battle with patience and temptation is really a battle FOR my faith, for my heart. Its serious, with a lot at stake.

Am I going to CHOOSE to believe, hold onto, and FIGHT for the truths in the scripture? Am I going to trust in the Lord, and take Him at His word? Or, am I going to decide its all too much...too hard and not worth it?

The truth is...if I TRULY understood just how good my God really is, answering this question would be the easiest thing I have ever done.

I'm not there yet, but I'm fighting through to get there.

So, yes...I CHOOSE to believe, hold onto and FIGHT for the truths that are in His word. And I TRUST that every single promise bestowed to me in His word is EVEN BETTER than I could ever imagine.

Finally, I BELIEVE that He knows me completely, and loves me unconditionally. I HOPE to someday see and know Him fully. And on that day I KNOW everything else will fade away. I BELIEVE He is just that good...and even more. Now I want to LIVE like I believe it.

My favorite quote about being single...

From a comment left on the 'Stuff Christians Like" blog:

Talking about single people, he says...

"Sometimes when we are at a wedding, and are not feeling sufficiently convicted of how pathetic we are for being the only person in the room over 12 years old without a life partner, we need a little extra reminder. That's when its always fun to stop the music, and line us up against the wall so you can throw underwear and dead flowers at us, and point and laugh."

Peter and I would be Besties

For those of you who are not teenage girls living in Philadelphia, bestie is the new term for best friends. :) And the Peter I am referring to is the apostle.

Of course, I have never met Peter, but I do know a lot about him and his character from the bible. He was very passionate and outspoken about his love for Jesus, something I can relate to. He also made some pretty huge, and public, mistakes...which I can relate to as well. I think if I was an apostle during Jesus life I would have been a lot like Peter. Can't keep my mouth shut, but with the best of intentions nonetheless.

The other day I was reading the story of when Jesus walked on water and I really saw myself in Peter. In fact, I heard (not audibly) God telling that I have been Peter recently. Talk about walking away with my tail between my legs...

Jesus had been on the mountain, alone, talking with the Father before deciding to head out to the boat that the disciples were in. They were pretty far out on the water so He decided rather than take another boat, He would just walk. On the water.

The disciples first caught a glimpse of Him on the water and were scared, thinking it was a ghost. Jesus assured them it was him, and Peter was the first to pipe up a response. Here is how I picture the scene:

Upon hearing Jesus words that it was in fact Him walking on the water, Peter thinks: "Jesus IS awesome and we just watched him feed 5000 people with very little food, so it makes sense that He could walk on water" (Peter and I think very logically). But, just because someone is walking on water doesn't mean he is Jesus. Who knows what kind of crazy things the devil could pull off. But, ONLY Jesus could give ME the strength to walk on water. Hmmm..."

Peter says: "Okay Lord, if it really is you then call me to come to you on the water"

Jesus: "Aight, come on" (Jesus' ghetto language comes out occasionally)

Peter steps out onto the water and doesn't sink. He takes one step. Then another. Then another. Still not sinking. His confidence builds quickly and he starts walking a bit faster, though not too fast. He's not sure what would happen if he tripped.

He is now far enough away from the boat that no one could reach him if he started to sink. That's okay, though, because he is walking on water!

Peter thinks: That is Jesus! I'm walking on water! This is crazy! He really is everything that He said He is!"

Unfortunately, the novelty of the walking on water soon wears off and Peter starts to feel the wind. The water from the waves starts splashing on his face. He is still walking on the water, but as his friends are becoming more and more distant, the wind and the waves seem to be increasing.

Peter thinks: "Wait a minute. I am walking on water, but I'm still getting wet. Is that supposed to happen? And the wind is picking up, what if it blows me over? Whoa, that was a huge wave, it barely missed me! What happens if a wave goes over me?? Will I walk above that? I don't understand what's going on, what am I supposed to do now??

Jesus, watching this scene unfold before Him, thinks: "Come on Peter, just look at me. I'm standing on the same water. I'm getting hit with the same wind and the same waves. Just look at me. Do exactly what I am doing and you will be fine".

Of course, Peter doesn't hear this, and is too busy wiping water from his face and staring at his feet waiting for the first sign of possible sinking. And that's when it happens. He slowly starts to sink. Panic quickly sets in and he instinctively turns toward the boat, hoping that his friends notice him sinking, hoping that they will pull him out of the water.

But, its dark and he is too far from the boat for them to see. Besides, they're busy trying to keep their own boat from sinking.

His knees are underwater, his waist..."Help me Lord!". Without hesitation, Jesus reaches out His hand and pulls Peter back on top of the water. Peter is shocked by how quickly this happens. Apparently Jesus was standing much closer to him that He realized. In fact, He was never more than an arms length away. Even in the excitement of walking on water, Peter never noticed where Jesus was. Whoops, he had been focused on the water most of the time.

Jesus looked at him with such compassion, and...disappointment. "Why didn't you just look at me? Who do you really think I am?" Peter is immediately disappointed with himself. It wasn't the first time. It certainly won't be the last.

They walk back to the boat and the storm calms down.

It really is Jesus. He really is so much more than they thought.

Jesus doesn't dwell on Peter's failure, however, which allows Peter to move on as well. He still has much to learn, much to do; no time to dwell on the mistakes.

That's my take on the Peter walking on water story. And I see my name written all over that.

"Oh yeah, Jesus, we can do this whole life thing together. It will be sweet. You are God, so I can trust you with everything!
But wait a minute....
My dad has cancer, what if I don't get married before he dies. My dad might not get to walk me down the aisle!
Oh wait, I'm 28 and still single. Almost all of my friends are married, in a relationship or having babies. What if I never get to experience any of that?
Hold up; I've been living in Philly for 6 years and things seem to be getting harder and harder. Even Bonita and Linda are making really bad decisions. What's up with that?!"

Sinking...sinking...

Thankfully, I am finally hearing what Jesus has been trying to say to me.

"Trish, I'm out here standing on the same water as you. Just look at me. No, don't look at them, look at me. Do exactly what you see me doing. You will stay on top of the water, just like I am. Ignore the wind and the waves, I have total control over them and will not let them overtake you. Just keep looking at me"

Okay, I have to say that at this point all I can think of is: "Here's lookin' at you; Jesus". Haha, anyway...

So, that's Peter's and my story. Walking on the water with Jesus trying not to focus on the storm all around me. Just keep my eyes on Him, and He will take care of the rest.

Jesus, I need your help to even do that.

"I know Trish. That's why I'm standing right here"

Thanks Jesus.

"Anytime"

In Another Man's Arms

Okay, this post has been brewing around in my head for months now and I just haven't had a lot of time to really dig into it more. So, there may be a continuation of this later, but I needed to get it out and at least let my mind start to explore.

When I was home visiting my parents back in September I read several books. In fact, that's my favorite thing to do when I have time off. Recently I have been reading and enjoying a lot of fiction novels. As I was reading one night, one sentence in a book really struck me. The narrator is walking us through the story of a woman named Elle. At the end of what was supposed to be her wedding day, the narrator says that Elle, "danced on her wedding night in another man's arms.".

The plot of the story was a woman who had her engagement broken a few weeks before the wedding, and her struggle to recover from that sorrow and trust God and herself again. It wasn't the plot that I related to. But that line; I felt that line.

See, one of the things that I long for as a single woman is the ability to dance in some one's arms. I'm not a huge physical touch person, but I do desire the peace and security that can be found in some one's arms. To be able to rest even for a moment...

Of course, because I am very strict with myself when it comes to relationships with the male gender, there is no dancing in any one's arms until I am married. At least, not in any intimate way. So, while I desperately desire to rest in some one's arms, I will not settle for just any arms, they must be attached to the man who has promised his life to me.

What I am realizing, though, is that this doesn't mean that I don't seek that security and rest from other things. The battle that goes on in my head is ridiculous. For me, that "other man" appears in very different forms. Sometime its all out anger and frustration with God for withholding this blessing from me. Other times its simply turning to food or television for comfort. Sometimes its simply sleeping so I don't have to face the world. My sad list goes on and one.

There is a God in heaven with His arms desperately reaching for me, wanting to wrap me up so tight that the only sound I hear is the beating of His heart. A God who left this earth to prepare a place for me in heaven so I can be with Him forever; because His greatest desire is to be with me. That God is wooing and pursuing me every moment of every day. He wants to share my joy and heal my pain. He is passionately in love with my heart.

Instead of resting my head on His shoulders and finding comfort in His embrace; too often I find myself spending my wedding night dancing in another man's arms.

I'm Waiting

I will post Cruise details and pics tomorrow, I promise!

In the meantime, I wanted to share the lyrics to my new absolute favorite song. Its the story of my life right now...really for the last 28 years. Its from the soundtrack for "Fireproof". I love it.

While I'm waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Purity is Hard

Because women are generally emotionally stimulated, while men are generally visually stimulated, then physical purity should be easier for women to accomplish. We actually don't have to fight temptation, because we are generally not tempted sexually. All we need to do is protect ourselves from men who are much more tempted than we are. In general, we only fall into temptation when we are trying to please a guy who is pressuring us.

I know the statement I just made is ridiculous, but when I think about "sex education", and even purity talks that I have heard, is, that's the general message.

If we learned nothing else from the 60's, I think we should have figured out that sexual temptation is certainly not limited to men.

The world has figured this out. A lot of "love" songs out today are really about a guy seducing a woman into bed. The key point here, though, is that she goes willingly; not to please him, but to have her own desires fulfilled.

I know this is a weird blog topic, but as I am openly exploring life as a single woman, I must talk about this. And honestly, I think its the secret that we don't really want to talk about (mostly because the purity talks I have heard are given in mixed company, and talking about women's desires is just uncomfortable!). Bit the truth is, for women:

ITS NOT EASY TO STAY PURE! YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT!

And let me just be honest, the older you get...the more difficult it becomes. You get to a certain age, and its no longer scary or gross (or at least, less scary and gross, haha). And the older you get, the more in the minority you are. I can only think of one other person I know that is my age (or older) who is still a virgin. Many of my friends were virgins when they were married, but now they're married...so they're not virgins anymore.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. (Incidentally, I'm not being as completely forthcoming as I could be...although I'm not hiding anything...with my thoughts and feelings, because my dad reads this blog, haha).

I have a friend (the only one that is a virgin) who entered into a relationship that seemed to be heading toward marriage. Things got hard and it seemed like the best solution was for the two to go their separate ways, but she didn't want to break up. I asked her why. She told me, "I just don't want to die a virgin".

Purity is hard.

It takes a lot of faith to stay pure. People tell you, "trust me, it will be worth the wait". Really?
How long did you have to wait? How many years did you spend wondering if you would ever get the chance, or if you would actually die a virgin?

So many of the people telling me to wait are people who either 1) didn't wait themselves and regret that decision (which means they also have no clue how difficult it is to actually wait), or 2) waited, but also got married before the age of 25 (which for me, was the age that I really started to wonder if I would ever get married, taking the whole idea of "saving myself form marriage" to a whole different place).

So, that line has not convinced me to stay pure. I need something else.

The bible says I am supposed to stay pure.

Does it tell me how to fight the temptation?

Nope.

Okay, but there are plenty of things the bible tells me not to do that I do anyway. Paul did too: "I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I do want to do"

Hmmmm....

This is where I am right now. I know I'm SUPPOSED to stay pure, but there are plenty of things that I'm not supposed to do that I do anyway. And no one ever told me that staying pure would be this hard. So, why should I stay pure?

Cause I could get pregnant? Actually, that's not scary to me at 28.
Cause I could get a disease? If I pick the right guy, that likely hood is very small.

In college, surrounded by believers with the same convictions as me made staying pure pretty simple. And, with my (and theirs) mindset being that I would almost certainly be married soon, it wasn't THAT hard to wait.

But, I got older. They all got married. I didn't. I'm still waiting. And its getting harder.

'If you love me, you will obey my commands". Thus verse keeps me out of trouble sometimes, but there are plenty of times when I just don't love him enough. I choose myself over Him all too often. So, how do I not choose myself when it comes to purity?

I wish I had some grand spiritual answer, but I really don't. The reason I work SO hard to stay pure is very simple:

I know Jesus should be enough, but if I'm honest (and I'm trying to be), sometimes He isn't. Incidentally, I'm working on changing that. I think He sometimes isn't enough for me because I have no concept of just how wonderful He really is. I am slowly discovering Him, and someday maybe He will be enough for me.

So, in my discussions of purity, I want to emphasize to young women that staying pure is hard. In fact, it just gets harder and harder. I can't tell them that waiting will be worth it, I don't know that it will be. I can tell them that God tells us to stay pure. And while I may not completely understand it (or Him), I know that He is trustworthy. He has never lied to me, nor failed me. So, I will seek to follow His commands.

My sinful nature, though, makes it very clear that I, in myself, can not overcome temptation. While He calls me to obey His commands, His word makes it clear that I need Him in order to overcome temptation.

As I look at the picture above, I believe He has given me everything I need in order to fight.

Great Things About Being Single, Part 2

1. I can start and finish a book in one day, with no interruptions.

2. My room is a DISASTER. If I close the door, no one knows. :)

3. Other people's kids! (I just spent 2 days completely enjoying the kids of our staff members, but I didn't have to change a single diaper. I also stayed up late at night and slept until we had a meeting in the morning).

4. Do I want to shower today? I make the decision based on the answer to this question: Will I see anyone today that will be offended by the smell?

5. When I want time alone, I don't have to ask; I just take it.

6. Hey Trish, I have tickets to the Eagles pre-season game against the Jets on Thursday, can you drop everything and come with me? YES!!!

7. Hey Trish, we have an emergency and we need a babysitter, can you drop everything and help us out? YES!!!

8. I want ice cream at 2 a.m. I will go get ice cream at 2 a.m. (shhhh...don't tell my dad) :)

9. The toilet paper is under. Not over; under. Its my house.

10. I control the temperature of the house. Too cold? Grab a blanket. :)

Okay, that's all I have for now. I really hope no one is offended by these posts, please let me know if you are. I am not at all, in ANY way, trying to say that being single is better than being married. I am simply trying to enjoy the blessings of the season of life I am in now. I could make a list of the Great Things about Being Married (I know that list is very long), but that just isn't where I am in my life right now. .

I will say, though, that after spending 2 days with several couples that I love, respect and admire, I have an ever greater appreciation for what a blessing marriage truly is. I am very blessed to be surrounded by some great married people that make me excited about the possibility of that being in my future. They don't fool me into thinking marriage is easy, but they show me that it is very worthwhile (which is what I hope to learn to do with singleness).

Nonetheless, I am certainly enjoying my life right now!! In fact, its almost midnight but I haven't watched tonight's Criminal Minds episode yet, so I am off to do that. Tomorrow, I will begin to clean my house. See, told you being single was great! ;)

Leah

In my quest to search the scripture for what God wants to teach me as a single woman, He certainly isn't easing me in. I was kind of hoping I would start with some good, "The Lord is your husband", "You are beautifully and wonderfully made" kinda stuff. Of course, that is all true, but there are some really hard truths I need to learn as well. God's never been much of a sugar coater, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised He took me straight to Leah; in my opinion one of the saddest stories in the bible, at least at first glance. I'm just beginning my time with Leah, and I'm excited to learn new things. Today, I spent time simply with her story. Here it is, in my words.

We first meet Leah in Genesis 29 and we learn 2 very important things about her. First, she is the oldest daughter of her father (which means she should be the first to be married). Second, she isn't as pretty as her younger sister. In fact, the exact quote is: "Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful". Ouch. Not one nice thing said about her. Not how I want to be remembered in the #1 book of all time.

From that statement we move to an amazing love story. Jacob has decided that he is completely in love with Rachel and has to marry her. Rachel's father makes Jacob work for him for 7 years in order to earn his daughter's hand in marriage. Jacob gladly does this. The bible even says, "so Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her". Who wouldn't want to be loved like that?!?

This isn't Leah's story however. After 7 years of working to marry the love of his life, Jacob prepares to marry Rachel. Instead, her father tricks him and gives him Leah. They marry with her under a veil and spend the night together in darkness. It isn't til morning that Jacob realizes that he has married (and slept with) Leah, not the woman he loves. He is understandably upset, but Laban (Leah and Rachel's father) promises to give him Rachel as well, he just had to marry off Leah first. Because of the culture, Leah was a necessary evil so that Jacob could marry the woman he really loved.

What must have been going through Leah's mind on her wedding day? She knew Jacob didn't love her. He didn't even know he was marrying her. As she walked down the aisle and Jacob looked at her with love in his eyes, did she pretend it was for her? Did she pray that Jacob would fall in love with her as they spent an evening of intimacy together? Or was her heart slowly breaking, knowing that way Jacob looked at her on their wedding day would be the last time he would ever look at her like that?

Leah didn't spend her life single, but she certainly understood what its like to feel invisible and wonder if anyone will ever love her.

Soon after Jacob married Leah, he married Rachel (it was very common for men to have multiple wives in the Old Testament). And he loved Rachel. It is recorded in the bible forever that; "he loved Rachel more than Leah".

Sometimes its easy for me to read stories in the bible and forget that they are about real people. Leah was a real person, that lived the life I read about in the bible. She was seen by the world as unattractive. Her father had to trick a man into marrying her. And she spent her life married to a man that didn't love her. And she knew it. Everyone knew it.

So many questions fill my mind as I think about Leah. Could someone else have loved her? In the 7 years that Jacob worked for Laban, waiting to marry Rachel, did Leah pray for someone to come along and want to marry her? If a man had come along in those 7 years, then Leah could have been loved and Jacob could have married Rachel. Why didn't God bring someone along? Why did God allow Leah to live unloved?

Leah didn't give up trying to be loved. She was the first to get pregnant, and after giving birth to her first child, Reuben, she thinks to herself, "now my husband will love me". He doesn't. (But he doesn't stop sleeping with her).

She gets pregnant again (Rachel still has no children), and after giving birth to Simeon is convinced that now her husband will certainly love her. He doesn't.

Then comes the 3rd child (Jacob has no problem sleeping with this woman who he doesn't love), Levi. Leah thinks to herself, "Now this time my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons". She still holds out hope that her husband will finally love her. He doesn't.

During all of this time, Rachel is barren. She is not able to have children. For the culture at that time, this would make Rachel worthless as a woman. Her job was to bear children, and she didn't. I am sure this was devastating for Rachel. In the midst of it all, though, Jacob continued to love her. It didn't matter to him whether she had his children or not. He was able to look past her failures and simply love her. He never did that for Leah, though. Leah continued to be unloved.

What was Leah thinking as she continually slept with a man who doesn't love her...over and over again? What were her conversations with God like? Begging to be loved, begging to be noticed...

Leah had borne Jacob 3 sons, and was still unloved. She had tried everything she knew to make Jacob love her, and nothing worked.

Then she got it. Jacob may never truly love her, but that isn't what it was all about. She would never be loved by a man the way her sister was. But, she was loved. The Lord had always been close to her.

She gave birth to her 4th son, and her response was very different this time. Instead of thinking, "now my husband will love me", she says: "This time I will praise the Lord". She had given birth to 3 other sons, and every time her focus had been on her husband. This time, she saw the Lord.

What Leah hadn't realized during all this time was that the Lord had been with her the whole time.

This one line is what hit me hardest: "When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved..."

This line comes before she became pregnant the first time. From the very beginning, she was noticed by someone. He saw her. He noticed her. Though she was unloved by her husband, she was seen by the God of the universe. And He had a plan for her. She gave birth to many sons, who eventually became the 12 tribes of Israel. She played an very integral role in God's plan for His people.

Here is the part I don't like, though. She was never loved on earth. Even after giving Jacob several sons, then giving him her servant who bore him even more sons, the bible never says, "and then Jacob loved Leah". In fact, later on in their lives, Jacob is going out to meet his brother Esau (whom he stole his birthright) and is scared, so he sends Leah out first. In his mind, she is the one that is most expendable.

I don't understand why Jacob never loved Leah. I don't understand why God didn't bring Leah a man who would love her. I don't think I am supposed to understand. In my view of happily ever after, man and woman always fall in love. That's not always God's plan. What I do know, however, is that God was always with Leah. She was never alone, never unnoticed, never unloved. It was a long, hard road for Leah to get to the point where she praised God; but she got there. On her own. She didn't get there by having all her dreams come true or every prayer answered, but something happened in her heart to bring her to the point where she praised the Lord.

The interesting part is that God doesn't tell us what happened in Leah's heart, we just know there was a change. I like that. Through Leah I can see that it is possible to praise God in the midst of shattered dreams and unanswered prayer, yet I have no idea how to get there. I just know I can. No formula to follow, just a King to trust.

There is much more to Leah's story. She may have come to accept that Jacob would never love her, but she falls into jealousy and enters into a ridiculous rivalry with her sister. Again, however, she is redeemed by her God. I'll have to get into more of that later, though, I'm still chewing on the revelations of today.

Leah was never loved on earth, but never went unnoticed by her Lord.

Kinda changes my definition of happily ever after...

Great Things About Being Single: Part 1

I am compiling list of great things about being single as well as difficult things. I am hoping that these lists will be about equal in length by the end, but I am sure there will be times where one is longer than the other (depending on what's going on in my life and heart, haha). Its always better to start with the good stuff, so here are some of the things I have been thinking about for the last few days , most are ridiculous. :)

1) Grapes and green tea. Huh? Well, that's what I have been living on for the last 4 days because I have been too lazy to go to the grocery store...and I'm loving it. I don't think that would fly if I had a family...

2) I control the TiVo. That's right, I watch what I want when I want.

3) I can switch sides of the bed if I'm tired of sleeping on the same side. I like to mix things up. :)

4) Mother Theresa. Pretty sweet role model.

5) Wanna go to a movie at midnight? Sure! Why not? Wanna just get in the car and drive somewhere? Sure! Why not?

That's what I have so far. I'm off to watch the Olympics...probably until the wee hours of the morning. :)

Some thoughts on being single...

I am 28 years old, which by most standards is quite young. Because I am young, I often feel very immature, yet I know that God is shaping and maturing me daily.

I remember a discussion at our staff retreat a few years ago where we were thinking about starting a young adult ministry, and one of the leaders we were considering was a 20 year old. I questioned that choice (20 seems pretty young to be leading a ministry to the same age group), but the argument was made that she was married and obviously more mature than most others her same age.

Really? Being married makes you mature? I'm in trouble...

Or, maybe immature people get married. And maybe marriage is just one of the ways that God chooses to mature people...but not the only way. Is that possible?!?

I have been to close to 40 weddings in my lifetime (yes, I said 40), and most of them have been for people my age or younger. I have grown and matured alongside many of my married friends and I have seen the ways that God uses a spouse to challenge and sharpen another person. For me, the people that surround me daily challenge me. As I struggle, I am forced to lean on the Lord. God is challenging me and shaping me as well, He just goes about it in a different way with me.

There are so many lies being spread in our culture today, and many are coming from Christians. There is the lie that you have to look a certain way to be beautiful. In our desire to be culturally relevant, I believe that Christians have adopted this lie.

There is the lie that God will bless you financially if you just trust in Him. In scripture you see that following Him comes with a great COST, and nothing about financial gain (although there is the promise that you will always be taken care of).

One of the biggest lies that I think has a much greater affect than anyone realizes is the lie about our "calling" as believers. How many times have you heard someone talking about their "calling"? Where is that in scripture? I'm not going to say (yet), that it isn't in scripture at all, but I will say that I think it is very clear in scripture that God takes each of His people through seasons.

Each of us will go through different seasons, at different times, lasting different amounts of time. That is how amazing our God is!! He has a specific, individual...and PERFECT plan for each of us!! I think too often we focus on what our "calling" is, instead of who our God is.

I bring this up because I hear WAY TOO MUCH, that a woman's highest "calling" is to be a wife and a mother. Does that mean the rest of us are living in a lower calling?

I read this blog in a blog the other day, and it made me laugh, and it made me sad. She was writing about being single and said:

"Now don't get me wrong, I do want to get married. There is a constant tug at my heart, my greatest ministry will be to be a wife and mother, I personally place a lot of value in that, even more value then being a missionary."

What?!? Why in the world would you value being a wife and mother OVER being a missionary? Does God have a ranking system? Is there anything above being a wife and mother? If not, poor Mother Theresa never fulfilled her ultimate calling in life. (Incidentally, this woman was writing about the joys of being single...at 21..., but she has the full expectation of being married someday. I pray she doesn't put all of her faith and hope for the future in that...)

Is this what we really believe??

All of this got me thinking...

6 years ago I began a journey with my God. One that led me to Philly and has taken me places, both physically and spiritually, that I never thought I would go. I feel like God is taking me into a new season in my life, and its one I am scared and excited for. Its a season of embarking on my singleness.

That sounds like a weird sentence, and I'm not sure if that's exactly how I want to describe things, but I couldn't think of anything else. Let me try and explain...

I am single. Have been for 28 years. I have dated a few guys, but I was never serious enough to stop considering myself single. I'll see myself as single until the day I get married, that's just how I am. I also have the desire to be married, though I don't believe its something that is owed to me or guaranteed. The Lord never promised me (or anyone else) an earthly spouse. I have to trust God will all my dreams and desires, even the ones that may go unfulfilled.

In my 28 years of being single I have learned a lot about myself and about my God, but I know there is so much more. I believe that God has us in certain seasons for a reason, and I am embarking on a journey to find out all that He has for me in this season. And I want to share that.

I wrote several weeks ago about my search for other blogs written by single, Christian women who trust in the Lord for their present and future...and I have yet to find one. So, I'm starting with my own right here. I want to honestly explore what life is like for a single Christian woman seeking the Lord with all her heart.

My desire is to see women graduate from college and not feel like failures if they don't have a ring on their finger. I want to help women see the incredible ways that God can (and does) draw your heart close to His when there is no one else vying for your affection. I want to be honest about the heartbreak and the loneliness that comes with being single, and the beauty that God brings from those ashes.

I also want to have fun. At this point in my life, although I would consider myself a pretty responsible person, I do have the freedom to do ridiculous things...so I want to do them. I certainly did in college (no, I am not talking about drinking and partying) and I enjoyed every second of it. I'm not saying marriage isn't fun...I'm just saying that being single is also fun, so I plan on having fun and sharing that with you. (Again, not irresponsible fun...just plain fun)

And, I want to laugh. There are so many ridiculous lies out there trying to steal my joy, and I want to laugh at them. (Like my trip to Pathmark last night. I made a short trip, picking up a ton of cookie dough for a dessert at church today and decided to get some grapes as well. As I was checking out, the computer printed up some coupons it thought I might want...for Weight Watchers desserts. Seriously?!? You don't know me computer! Okay, so this could have happened to a single or married person, but I am still offended ). :)

I know many of the people that read this blog are married, but I hope you will enjoy this journey with me as well. I may even one day take this journey over to a separate blog, its too early to tell.

I must warn you, however, that I have no idea where this journey will take us. You may see (or read) things from me that you don't want to. I can't promise to always be joyful in my thoughts, and I am sure I will be wrong about things more than once. I can sometimes fall into bitterness, and that my come out in some of my posts. I'm not proud of that fact, but its true.

The only thing that I can promise you throughout this journey is that I will be honest. That means you will be seeing the good, the bad and the ugly. And please know that I have no expectations of you throughout this journey. This is me and God, walking the path He has laid before me, and me sharing that journey with you.

Ultimately, this is about a beautifully imperfect girl and her God.

So, let the journey begin...

I AM

I would say that about 90% of the time I am completley okay with being single. I don't often struggle with being alone (I actually really like alone time) and I really do trust in the Lord for whatever plan He has for my life. I tend to view everything in terms of opportunity cost (its an economics term). Opportunity cost is basically the benefits you could have received by doing one thing instead of anther option. Everything has a cost, even if it isn't money. For example, for me to go on vacation for a week (let's pretend its all expenses paid so there is no actual monetary cost), I also have to give up a week in Philly. The week in Philly is the opportunity cost. In that situation, it is most likely that I would decide that the opportunity cost was worth giving up and I would take the vacation.

So, for me right now in my life, I really feel like the opportunity cost of getting married isn't worth it (I am positive this will change when I meet my husband). I have no desire to give up the things that I would have to give up in order to have a husband (again, I believe that the reason I feel this way is because I haven't met my husband yet so the opportunity cost of changing my life for a fictional person isn't really worth it). All that to say, as of right now, when I think of a husband I think of all the things that would change and the things I would miss out on...which doesn't leave me longing for a man. Usually...

I am thankful for my current mindset because like I have said (several times in fact, I really want you to get this, haha), I know this mindset will change when my husband has a face and a name.

Still, there is about 10% of the time that I do struggle. I wonder if I will be alone for my whole life. If it is actually possible for someone to love me and want to spend their life with me. If anyone finds me beautiful or captivating.

The time of year that this struggle is the hardest is always right around the start of God's Girls. I hate satan. My desire in being a God's Girls leader is to show the girls that our identity is in Christ, not our bodies, in men or in what other people expect us to be. I desire to be the example of a Godly woman who is madly in love with her God and will wait patiently (forever if necessary) for the man God has for her. Satan hates that, and he comes after me.

Well, God's Girls is starting up in a little less than 2 weeks, and the attacks have begun. Just a few days ago I was literally feeling at my most confident in who I am and in who Christ is in me. I felt beautiful, cherished adored...loved and protected. Those feelings are gone (for the time being) and I am entering into the battle to believe the truth and cast out the lies. Praise the Lord, I am not fighting alone. God is so amazing...

Wednesday night was a particularly rough night for me in this area. I just couldn't believe that I was single because God was calling me to be single, I was convinced it was because I was ugly and unlovable. I began to cry out to God and ask Him if it was ever possible for me to find someone who will love me (because despite my occasional bouts with desperation, I refuse to settle). As I was crying, this song came on the radio (not the Christian station):



You put your heart up on a shelf
I know it's hard to be by yourself
You need someone that's true and strong
Baby someone just came along

I am that man you're trying to find
I am that man you had in mind
And I'll give you all my love
'Til you understand
I won't give up
'Cause I know I am

Talk is cheap, it ain't worth a dime
So don't talk to me, just give me some time
I'm gonna show you what love can be
My job won't be done until you believe

I am that man you're trying to find
I am that man you had in mind
And I'll give you all my love
'Til you understand
I won't give up
'Cause I know

I am that man you're trying to find
I am that man you had in mind
And I'll give you all my love
'Til you understand
I won't give up
'Cause I know
I am that man



Notice the words I have bolded...they are not a coincidence. In the midst of my tears and my hearts cry, the I AM let me know that He is exactly what I have been looking for.

How crazy is that?!? The I AM let me know that He has chosen me, He is in love with me, and He is everything I could ever ask for.

"I'm gonna show you what love can be..."

He sang that to me while I cried...

Single in the City

I watch a lot of "Friends" on dvd. Recently I have also gotten into "Sex and the City" on tv. (Before you judge me...its VERY censored on network tv, and its all about single women, so I can relate). In both of those shows the main characters were well into their 30's before they ever really thought about marriage. Rachel (played by Jennifer Aniston) had her first child at 33. The first character in Sex and the City to have a child was 37.

In real life, celebrities are having babies well into their late 30's and even early 40's. Halle Berry is 41 and having her first child. Jennifer Anitson is 38 and not ready to think about having a child. Jennifer Garner was 34 when she had her first child. Julia Roberts had twins at 37 and just had another child at 40.

So, why do people make me feel like an old maid for not being married at 27? I am 27!!! I mean seriously!!! Not to mention, I am really happy. I LOVE being single right now!! We had 80 kids at Kids Club tonight!!! We keep getting more and more kids each week, and we aren't really losing any. That's AWESOME! And, I'm having fun at Kids Club!! In my life, I get to do all kinds of things that I would never be able to do if I was married. I went to Africa for 3 weeks last winter. I wake up and go to bed when I want. I get to hang out with the greatest kids and teens in the world. I have 8 god children that I LOVE. This is NOT to say that marriage is less desirable to being single...I'm just saying that there are benefits to being single, and I am enjoying those benefits!

For the first time in my life, I choose pop culture over Christian culture. Pop culture tells me that I can be exactly who I am, married or single. Pop culture tells me that I am just as valuable as a single woman as I would be as a married woman.

Christian culture tells me that my highest calling is as a wife and/or a mom. Christian culture tells me that I am not fulfilling my calling as a woman as long as I am neither a wife nor a mom. Christian culture views single hood as purgatory...not quite hell but not nearly as good as heaven; or marriage.

I hate that. Its not even scriptural. It is very clear in scripture that God has a plan for wives and mothers...and for the rest of us. In fact, Paul says that single hood is the most desirable. So I'm going to ignore Christian culture, and embrace Pop culture...at least in this area. Really, I'm just going to ignore people and embrace God.

Things are NOT perfect right now, but I still love my life. I started biting my nails again, I have a ridiculous eye twitch that is probably from stress and I contracted some sort of poison ivy or something on my arm that is driving me crazy. I don't have time to do much for myself throughout the week. I want to go to the gym, but I am too exhausted in the mornings; I literally drag myself out of bed to get to work. And when I get home at night...exhausted. I am working about 60 hours a week and its not all things that I love to do. I don't leave my house until after 2 p.m. everyday, which means I don't see another human being until then...and in most cases, when I do interact with people its in a ministry capacity, not a friendship one. I'm alone a lot...not necessarily lonely, but definitely alone. And, I am still missing after-school, a lot. Things are not perfect..some things in my life need to change. Marriage will not change those things. And the bottom line is...even though things are hard, I love my life. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Exactly where I want to be. And, slowly but surely, I am becoming the person I was created to be.

Should I want something else?

The Romance

I feel like I am living in a never ending romantic drama, and I'm tired of it. Let me explain:

We've all seen romantic dramas (I love them). Titanic and The Notebook are examples. Two people meet and at some point (usually pretty quickly) we realize that they are meant to be together. However, soon after we realize their destiny, obstacles get in the way. Things start out great, but then they get complicated. The lovers go through ups and downs and as the viewer we get frustrated, and a little nervous. Are they going to end up together? We watch as pride gets in the way of one admitting they are wrong or the other letting go of the hurt. We watch the lovers make ridiculous decisions and wonder (out loud if you are me, haha); "what are you thinking?!?" (Of course, many of us have made the same mistakes they have).

(Romantic Comedies are very similar except that the obstacles are funny and seem less intense to us. While at times I feel like I am the butt of cosmic jokes and enjoy laughing at the things going on in my life, there is way too much drama in my life for this to be a romantic comedy)

I enjoy watching the drama for a while, but eventually I long for the ending. The roller coaster gets old and I want to get to the end...hopefully, a happily ever after.

That is exactly where I am...longing to get to my ending...my happily ever after. Not with a man...with my bridegroom. I know I am guaranteed a happily ever after- an ending to the roller coaster and an entrance to a life of never ending and completely fulfilling love. No more obstacles coming between me and my great love- no more silly decisions, hurtful words or devastating actions (all of which, by the way, come from me). While I don't wonder what the end of my story will be, I am desperately longing to get there. Its not the suspense or the not knowing that's killing me, its the drama...the drama is getting old.

I want to be with Him so desperately I can barely stand it. My heart doesn't always match up with my actions-which is why the drama continues. I am ready for my lover to say "enough" and to come and get me. That's how most romantic dramas end...and how the book of revelation tells me my story will end as well. At some point my lover will get tired of the drama. He won't be able to stand being apart from me any longer and will come and get me.

Don't hear anything suicidal or depressing in this, I don't want to die...I just want to be with my lover. "How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:1-2).

I like my life, I like the people in my life...but I love Him. I love Him desperately and with all that I am. I HATE being apart from Him. I have intimate moments with Him, but they simply leave me longing for more...because I know there is so much more. And then there are the days that I don't feel close to Him...the days when the drama continues and I feel empty and alone; and longing for Him.

I have come to the point in my life where nothing comes close to Him. He is so good...and nothing can compare. Don't get me wrong, I still settle for less than Him far too often. At times, I still seek comfort in things that are not Him, I sometimes desire simplicity and comfort over Him. That's more of the drama that I am so tired of, yet still participate in.

I wish my life was TiVoed. In fact, my TiVo remote has a button that I can push that will take me directly to the end. I would absolutely push that right now. I am not saying that I don't enjoy life...I just know I will enjoy my next life so much more.

Since I can't push the button, I sit and wait for the ending. I will try enjoy the experiences that make up my love story...the ups and the downs that come together to make my life. Truth be told, the drama only makes me fall more and more in love with Him, which I'm sure is why He allows the story to continue. He will get tired of it some day, though. He will get to the point where He can't stand being away from me anymore, and He will come get me. "Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready." (Revelation 19:7). I long for that day...with all of my heart, I long for that day.

10 Reasons why I need a Husband...

Haha, just the title of this blog makes me laugh. This is one of the funny things I wrote in my journal one day when I was feeling overwhelmed with life and decided that a husband would ease my burdens, at least at that moment. I know a man would NOT solve all my problems, and in fact may add to them in some ways...but when I am looking at needing to get my car inspected, pick up the kids, and go to the laundromat in a span of about 2 hours...well, having someone else around would be helpful. So, I made this list!

Before I start, let me also make it clear that I am in fact NOT looking for a husband, haha. I am perfectly capable of doing everything on this list (or working around what I can't do, e.g. going to the laundromat since I can't hook up my washer and dryer). I have been and will continue to do the things on the list, and I will do them well. In fact, my life is so insanely busy right now there really isn't room for a husband (I have a hard time making room for my God!). And before you all start telling me, "Oh! That's when you're husband is going to come, when you aren't looking for him!", you can just stop. I have never been looking for a husband and I have been too busy for one for about 5 years now...and he still hasn't come. I'm thinking, and this is just a thought, that he will come in the LORD's timing...not mine or anyone elses. We'll just have to wait and see if I am right. :)

Oh, and I obviously understand that husband's are more than just people to run errands for you, haha. This list does not include all of the emotional and spiritual desires that a husband would fill. These are simply practical ways that a husband would be beneficial to me. :)

So, now here is the list...

1) Take care of my car...oil changes, inspection, etc.
2) Hook up washer and dryer...or go to the laundromat for me occasionally
3) Pick up the kids and drive them to wherever I am supposed to be taking them
4) Touch up paint from when my church painted my house (including repainting some of the walls)
5) Cook dinner...or at least put the leftovers on a plate for me and microwave them
6) Help carry groceries into the house after a trip to the store
7) Help drive on long road trips
8) Speak (with me or instead of me) at supporting churches!!!
9) Clean the litter box occasionally
10) Go places with me at night (okay, this one I try not to do on my own...but would like to if I ever do have a husband!!)

Since I wrote this in my journal, I have added to the list but I think I'll leave it alone for now. If I'm not careful I will start looking for a husband...well, looking for someone who can do things for me, haha. That would not be good.

Anyway, just wanted to share! Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write soon...don't hold your breath though... :)

A Very Full Week

SO much has happened this week! I am absolutely exhausted and so excited to get to bed tonight, but I wanted to update on everything before I sleep. Here are the highlights:


First, I co-led an AIM trip this week. I was dreading it and wasn't sure if I would be able to really pour into the teams the way that I wanted to. As it turns out, it was an amazing week!! I even got to do a talk one night with the girls on both teams about being a woman of God. We had a lot of questions about dress code throughout the week and one of the leaders heard about God's Girls and asked if I would talk to his girls about the beauty and modesty part. I was extremely nervous about it, but it went AMAZINGLY!!! After the talk I had several girls come and tell me that they had never heard what I was telling them and they were so excited. All of the girls from one team immediately made plans to go shopping together to buy modest clothing! One girl and I had a great conversation about being beautiful and she confessed struggling with an eating disorder. We talked and prayed together and it was awesome!!! One of teams was an from an inner city in Toronto and the teens reminded me so much of my teens at Cornerstone. I really enjoyed working with them and their leaders were amazing. I am praying about the possibility of taking Cornerstone teens to their church in Canada next year!!


This week we also had the Reading Rocks party! We had over 50 kids participate this year, and most of them came to the party (several were out of town or forgot). The party was a bit of chaos, but overall it was really fun and the kids had a blast!! Each kid got a brand new book bag FILLED with school supplies (because Shannon is incredible and made money multiply through sales like I have never seen before), a school uniform and even new underwear and socks!!! We also played games where the kids won different prizes. Every kid went home very happy. I am VERY proud to say that Bonita was the second highest points earner with 373 points!! I think she could have been first but she was at camp for the entire last week of the program. I am still so proud of her!! Linda earned almost 100 points and got a backpack as well. Pedro and Miguel are still out of town but will get their backpacks when they come home. (Miguel was gone all summer but he absolutely would have participated and earned a ton of points if he had the chance. Pedro was only around for a little bit, but earned enough points to be invited to the party).

Of course, this week was also God's Girls and I can't believe we have finished our 3rd year!! This year was very different, Carisa and I both went into it a lot more scattered than we have in the past, but it all still went VERY well. The entire week was amazing and it all culminated in the annual God's Girls sleepover last night. We had 8 girls participate this year, and of course I LOVED having Bonita there (she was pretty excited about it as well). I feel really good about how everything went, but I have to honestly say that I am relieved it is over. This week tends to be the hardest week of the year for me spiritually, but that wasn't the case this year...Praise God!! I made the conscious choice to ignore the lies of the enemy this year, and it seems to have worked. Whenever I had thoughts come to mind that I knew were not from God, I just ignored them...I didn't try to fight them, I just moved on. I ended the week very tired, but still feeling really good about all that God has done. That's awesome to me!

There were only 2 real hiccups with God's Girls this year. First, last night around 10:30 Frank called Carisa is intense pain from a kidney stone. Carisa had to immediately leave to take him to the emergency room which left me with the girls to finish up the night. We had not finished all of the teaching yet, but thankfully the stuff that was left was mostly my part to teach anyway. (I am SO thankful that Carisa was around for the "sex" talk, I am not ready to give that one any time soon!). We finished the night well and while we definitely missed Carisa (me probably more than anyone), we were fine without her. It took a while to get the girls to sleep, but that's to be expected at a sleepover. :) Carisa finally got back around 6 a.m. and helped get the girls up and home this morning. It was a crazy night! (You can check out the God's Girls Blog and read all about it as well as see great pictures!! The web address is: http://www.godsgirls2007.blogspot.com/)


The only other difficult part of God's Girls this year is probably only known to me and Carisa (and Carisa only because she knows and loves me so much). Every year we have at least 2 amazing Christian guys come and speak to the girls about what a Christian man is looking for in a woman. Our goal with this is to show the girls that Carisa and I aren't the only ones trying to live as godly women, and that good men are seeking godly women. Every year it is a fun time as the guys share and the girls get to ask them questions. This year things were going great until the question was asked, "How old do you want to be when you get married?" Both of these guys are 23 (one is 22 but about to turn 23), so they are still very young, and obviously younger than me (I'm 27). Both of them immediately responded that they wanted to get married and have children before they were 28. One even went as far as to explain that his reasoning was that he didn't want to be too old when he had children.


I was devastated. There is a VERY small possibility that I will be married by 28, but it is very doubtful...and I will certainly not have children by that time. The reason I was devastated was not that I am desperate to get married or that I have any regrets about being single at my age. I was upset because they in effect told these girls, "We just don't want to end up like Trish". They basically just made my ministry 100 times more difficult than it already is. Each year at God's Girls (and honestly with the teen girls as well) I place myself in front of these girls and do my best to show them that the life God has chosen for me is a beautiful one. It is an amazing life full of incredible blessings and above all, it is a life full of Him. I absolutely want to get married someday, but more than that I want God's plan for my life...so I will wait for His timing for my wedding day. I live an extremely uncommon life around here and am often pitied, looked down upon and even made fun of. But, I know I am following God in the choices that I have made, so I make no apologies and have no regrets. However, it is extremely difficult to convince young women that being single at my age is not the end of the world. Those guys just made that even harder.


God is the redeemer and my prayer is that my life will consistently show that. I was telling a friend earlier this week that my prayer is not that I would be proven right, but that God would use my life to prove Himself right. I want my life to be a constant example of His beauty, mercy and love. My prayer is that when I die there will be no discussion about how old I was when I got married, if I even marry at all. My prayer is that my life will be a celebration of His goodness and faithfulness and that someday people will look at me not with pity, but with a stronger desire to know Him, no matter what the cost.


Finally, Cornerstone has a new website with all of our pictures, so you really want to check it out!! You can see tons of pictures from God's Girls, Reading Rocks, Kids Club...pretty much everything! I added the link to the right, so check them all out!! :)