Thank you so much for your prayers! Pedro's surgery went GREAT and he is home and doing well. Its going to be a little while before we get to really see how well it all went. He says he is hearing some things better, but he can't hear himself very well. So, please keep praying as God continues to do His work. I'll keep you updated! :)
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Surgery went well!
Thank you so much for your prayers! Pedro's surgery went GREAT and he is home and doing well. Its going to be a little while before we get to really see how well it all went. He says he is hearing some things better, but he can't hear himself very well. So, please keep praying as God continues to do His work. I'll keep you updated! :)
Pray for Pedro!
I just wanted to put up a quick post to ask you all to pray for Pedro today. He is having surgery on his ears and he is pretty scared about it. They discovered a few months ago that he is basically deaf in both ears and was recently fitted with hearing aids. However, they also need to do surgery (I really don't know why or any other details. Since the parents don't speak english, I get most of my information from the kids...and they are often clueless, haha). Hopefully he won't be in the hospital for more than a day. I am going to try and visit him sometime today, and I will update you on how he's doing as soon as I know something. Thanks!!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Talent Show!
I only have a few minutes to write, but I have to share about last night! We had our first (and hopefully not the last) Cornerstone Community Church Talent Show!!! Honestly, when I first heard the idea I didn't think it would go over well, but I was WAY wrong. Everyone had so much fun with many kids, teens and adults contributing their talents. We has songs, dances, skits, raps, and comedy routines. It was SO GREAT!!
The event started with Paxton (one my favorite kids in the world...and definitely
my favorite 4/almost 5 year old) and Rachel (Pastor Bill's daughter) singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...and playing the drums and piano. It was absolutely the cutest thing I have ever seen! I was thinking I would only share the highlights, but honestly the whole night was incredible, so here is a quick summary.
After the cutest performance ever we went to Dominique (one of the teens) and his comedy routine. He honestly made us all laugh so hard I was crying! Then Pastor Andy and some of the kids made us laugh (actually laugh because it was really funny!) with a skit about an enlarging machine (that ended with one of our teens, Jared, on stage in a very large diaper...I can't really explain that one).
Then we had one of our adults come and sing "I Can Only Imagine", which was received with a standing ovation. To know where he has been, hearing him sing that song was incredible. From there we had one of our young ladies read a poem that she wrote, some young girls performed a cheer, 2 of our teen guys performed a rap they had written soon after their father died (though half way through they forgot the words and dance off stage :0) ), 3 of our teen girls sang a song, a group of some younger kids sang a song and did sign language, and then 2 of our girls (who are both in after-school) performed a dance routine that they choreographed.
That dance was followed by a worship set with J and another teen, and then performance time ended with a dance performed by my kids!! Bonita, Linda, Pedro and Miguel along with Lindsay, Zach and Dominic (some other kids/teens at church) were the grand finale, and I was SO proud of them!! They worked hard to put the dance together and they did great! Plus, they had tons of fun and were really proud of themselves as well. I, of course, wanted to cry when they were finished as I saw their looks of joy over their accomplishment. (The picture is Pedro in the middle of a back flip, which is how the whole dance started).
Of course, no Cornerstone event is complete without some sort of food giveaway or contest, and this one wa
s no different. The entire evening ended in a pudding eating contest!! We started with kids under 6, then moved to kids 7-10, then 11-12, then teens and ended with adults. In case you are wondering, yes, I did compete, but I did not win. :( Pedro did win for his age group, though, and Miguel came in 2nd in his group. Bonita and Linda both tried, but aren't quite as skilled at eating with no hands. (I forgot to mention that we weren't allowed to use our hands and had to stick our faces in pudding cups!).
In all, it was an awesome night that I don't think any of us will forget any time soon. Praise God for fun and fellowship! (I put the link to all the pictures on here, so feel free to check them out!)
The event started with Paxton (one my favorite kids in the world...and definitely
my favorite 4/almost 5 year old) and Rachel (Pastor Bill's daughter) singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...and playing the drums and piano. It was absolutely the cutest thing I have ever seen! I was thinking I would only share the highlights, but honestly the whole night was incredible, so here is a quick summary.After the cutest performance ever we went to Dominique (one of the teens) and his comedy routine. He honestly made us all laugh so hard I was crying! Then Pastor Andy and some of the kids made us laugh (actually laugh because it was really funny!) with a skit about an enlarging machine (that ended with one of our teens, Jared, on stage in a very large diaper...I can't really explain that one).
Then we had one of our adults come and sing "I Can Only Imagine", which was received with a standing ovation. To know where he has been, hearing him sing that song was incredible. From there we had one of our young ladies read a poem that she wrote, some young girls performed a cheer, 2 of our teen guys performed a rap they had written soon after their father died (though half way through they forgot the words and dance off stage :0) ), 3 of our teen girls sang a song, a group of some younger kids sang a song and did sign language, and then 2 of our girls (who are both in after-school) performed a dance routine that they choreographed.
That dance was followed by a worship set with J and another teen, and then performance time ended with a dance performed by my kids!! Bonita, Linda, Pedro and Miguel along with Lindsay, Zach and Dominic (some other kids/teens at church) were the grand finale, and I was SO proud of them!! They worked hard to put the dance together and they did great! Plus, they had tons of fun and were really proud of themselves as well. I, of course, wanted to cry when they were finished as I saw their looks of joy over their accomplishment. (The picture is Pedro in the middle of a back flip, which is how the whole dance started).
Of course, no Cornerstone event is complete without some sort of food giveaway or contest, and this one wa
s no different. The entire evening ended in a pudding eating contest!! We started with kids under 6, then moved to kids 7-10, then 11-12, then teens and ended with adults. In case you are wondering, yes, I did compete, but I did not win. :( Pedro did win for his age group, though, and Miguel came in 2nd in his group. Bonita and Linda both tried, but aren't quite as skilled at eating with no hands. (I forgot to mention that we weren't allowed to use our hands and had to stick our faces in pudding cups!).In all, it was an awesome night that I don't think any of us will forget any time soon. Praise God for fun and fellowship! (I put the link to all the pictures on here, so feel free to check them out!)
Friday, March 23, 2007
Good Week!
This week has been a pretty good one, which is SO nice to say! Its been very full and exhausting, but good.
After-school has been extremely draining, but not in the usual way. I haven't had a lot of help this week, and it seems like each of the kids are going through interpersonal crisis's, but they are all behaving and getting along. That is such a relief! Since the kids have been behaving (for the most part), I get to spend more one on one time with them, really listening to them and talking through their struggles. I feel drained, but I also feel like I have actually done something! Its draining on me in a completely different way since I am used to spending my days controlling chaos and trying to put out little fires before they become full blown arguments. Basically its the difference between being exhausted at the end of the day but not sure what exactly you did all day, and being exhausted because you were able to pour yourself out and you know that God is doing something. I love being the second kind of exhausted!
Several of the teens are going through some really hard times as well, and again I have had the opportunity to spend time in prayer with them as well as really getting to talk to and listen to them. SO much of my week has been getting to listen, pray and disciple...all of which I LOVE!
At the same time all of this is happening, I am going through a deeply personal struggle that only a few people know about. This struggle has stripped me of everything and placed me completely in God's hands as I don't have the strength to even stand without Him. That's probably why I feel like things are going so well! As a wounded and broken person, there is absolutely no part of me that can do anything...so everything is ALL Him. I do NOT like the way I feel, but I like Him moving without my interference. :)
Today was a really fun day. I took the After-School kids to see the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie and we all had so much fun! In all I had 16 kids and 11 leaders (funny...I have almost NO leaders at After-School during the week, but when we are doing something fun, suddenly everyone has time to help! Oh well, it made the day really fun). It was absolute chaos to organize rides, tickets, popcorn and drinks, seats, bathroom runs...but that's the kind of chaos I enjoy. No one misbehaving, everyone having fun. I LOVED it!
In fact, this week of After-school has once again reminded me why I do what I do. I have been able to see the beautiful hearts of each of these kids, and God has opened my eyes to the future that is available to them. I get so bogged down in being alone and how hard things are now that I lose sight of where things are going. I forget that I have been alone with Bonita and Linda for 5 years, and I wouldn't trade a second of my time with them for anything...even the hard times...even the lonely ones. I have had Pedro and Miguel for almost 3 years, and I am looking so forward to the next 8 (that's when Miguel will be 18). And just when I thought my heart was full, Kearstin came into my life and though she can drive me crazy, I would be so sad if she wasn't around anymore. I feel the same about every one of the kids. As a group, with all 17 of them together, the kids in after-school can overwhelm me. But, individually, I wouldn't trade my time with any of them them for anything.
The other day I decided that I want to spend more individual time with the kids. It is impossible at after-school; I spend most of my time in chaos management, but I want to really pour into these kids. I want to love them. So, since they have Spring Break coming up, they get out early on a lot of Fridays, I don't have a ton to do most Saturdays, and the month of May is a down month for us (to prepare for the summer), I decided to try and make time over the next several weeks to do individual things with the kids. I offered for them to write down on a piece of paper what they would like to do with me if we could spend a few hours together, just the 2 of us. Some of the kids were more excited about the activity than by hanging out with me, but not all of them.
Natasha wrote that she wants to go to the mall with me, and she hasn't stopped talking about it. She is telling everyone she knows that she and Ms. Trish are going to the mall together. Paxton wrote that he just wants to play games, and I am so excited about setting aside a few hours to just play with Paxton. I'm going to get to go skating with Miguel, an arcade with Pedro, a movie with Monique...some of the kids had some unrealistic ideas, but I think we'll be able to find a compromise. I don't know what next year hold for after-school, but this year these kids will KNOW that they are loved...they will NOT be able to doubt it. :)
My day ended with watching Bonita, Linda and Zuly at their ice skating lessons. I usually just drop them off and pick them up when they are finished, but tonight I stayed, and I am so glad I did. It was so much fun to watch them learn, and even more fun to watch them enjoy me watching them. :) Bonita is absolutely in love with ice skating, and I love her face when she skates. Paxton and Kirsten are taking lessons too, and I always love spending time even just near Paxton. The girls really love him too, which I am SO thankful for.
The rest of this weekend is going to be a busy one, and next week looks as busy as this one was. I am going home next weekend, and I am really looking forward to getting to rest as well as meet my brother's new dog. As I work through my current struggles, I am so thankful that I will always have a family to go home to whenever I need to just be loved.
After-school has been extremely draining, but not in the usual way. I haven't had a lot of help this week, and it seems like each of the kids are going through interpersonal crisis's, but they are all behaving and getting along. That is such a relief! Since the kids have been behaving (for the most part), I get to spend more one on one time with them, really listening to them and talking through their struggles. I feel drained, but I also feel like I have actually done something! Its draining on me in a completely different way since I am used to spending my days controlling chaos and trying to put out little fires before they become full blown arguments. Basically its the difference between being exhausted at the end of the day but not sure what exactly you did all day, and being exhausted because you were able to pour yourself out and you know that God is doing something. I love being the second kind of exhausted!
Several of the teens are going through some really hard times as well, and again I have had the opportunity to spend time in prayer with them as well as really getting to talk to and listen to them. SO much of my week has been getting to listen, pray and disciple...all of which I LOVE!
At the same time all of this is happening, I am going through a deeply personal struggle that only a few people know about. This struggle has stripped me of everything and placed me completely in God's hands as I don't have the strength to even stand without Him. That's probably why I feel like things are going so well! As a wounded and broken person, there is absolutely no part of me that can do anything...so everything is ALL Him. I do NOT like the way I feel, but I like Him moving without my interference. :)
Today was a really fun day. I took the After-School kids to see the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie and we all had so much fun! In all I had 16 kids and 11 leaders (funny...I have almost NO leaders at After-School during the week, but when we are doing something fun, suddenly everyone has time to help! Oh well, it made the day really fun). It was absolute chaos to organize rides, tickets, popcorn and drinks, seats, bathroom runs...but that's the kind of chaos I enjoy. No one misbehaving, everyone having fun. I LOVED it!
In fact, this week of After-school has once again reminded me why I do what I do. I have been able to see the beautiful hearts of each of these kids, and God has opened my eyes to the future that is available to them. I get so bogged down in being alone and how hard things are now that I lose sight of where things are going. I forget that I have been alone with Bonita and Linda for 5 years, and I wouldn't trade a second of my time with them for anything...even the hard times...even the lonely ones. I have had Pedro and Miguel for almost 3 years, and I am looking so forward to the next 8 (that's when Miguel will be 18). And just when I thought my heart was full, Kearstin came into my life and though she can drive me crazy, I would be so sad if she wasn't around anymore. I feel the same about every one of the kids. As a group, with all 17 of them together, the kids in after-school can overwhelm me. But, individually, I wouldn't trade my time with any of them them for anything.
The other day I decided that I want to spend more individual time with the kids. It is impossible at after-school; I spend most of my time in chaos management, but I want to really pour into these kids. I want to love them. So, since they have Spring Break coming up, they get out early on a lot of Fridays, I don't have a ton to do most Saturdays, and the month of May is a down month for us (to prepare for the summer), I decided to try and make time over the next several weeks to do individual things with the kids. I offered for them to write down on a piece of paper what they would like to do with me if we could spend a few hours together, just the 2 of us. Some of the kids were more excited about the activity than by hanging out with me, but not all of them.
Natasha wrote that she wants to go to the mall with me, and she hasn't stopped talking about it. She is telling everyone she knows that she and Ms. Trish are going to the mall together. Paxton wrote that he just wants to play games, and I am so excited about setting aside a few hours to just play with Paxton. I'm going to get to go skating with Miguel, an arcade with Pedro, a movie with Monique...some of the kids had some unrealistic ideas, but I think we'll be able to find a compromise. I don't know what next year hold for after-school, but this year these kids will KNOW that they are loved...they will NOT be able to doubt it. :)
My day ended with watching Bonita, Linda and Zuly at their ice skating lessons. I usually just drop them off and pick them up when they are finished, but tonight I stayed, and I am so glad I did. It was so much fun to watch them learn, and even more fun to watch them enjoy me watching them. :) Bonita is absolutely in love with ice skating, and I love her face when she skates. Paxton and Kirsten are taking lessons too, and I always love spending time even just near Paxton. The girls really love him too, which I am SO thankful for.
The rest of this weekend is going to be a busy one, and next week looks as busy as this one was. I am going home next weekend, and I am really looking forward to getting to rest as well as meet my brother's new dog. As I work through my current struggles, I am so thankful that I will always have a family to go home to whenever I need to just be loved.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A different kind of "talk"
I had a conversation today that I never thought I would have. While driving Linda, Pedro and Miguel to After-School (Bonita was at home, sick) we talked about what the best response was for them if they are caught in gun crossfire. I have heard of families talking to their kids about what to do in case of fire or medical emergency and the typical "don't talk to strangers"...but never have I heard parents tell their kids how to handle gun fire. But, today that became necessary.
Just minutes before Pedro got home from school, an 11 year old boy walking down the street (the same street Pedro lives on) was caught in gun crossfire and was killed. Pedro walked past the scene after the shooting ended, but in enough time to see the dead body of the 11 year old boy. Pedro is 11 himself.
The shooting didn't make the evening news because another shooting, only 2 blocks away from the first, occurred later and it involved gunfire from the police so it was more "high profile". It still blows my mind that these kids are growing up in a neighborhood where the shooting death of an 11 year old boy is not the biggest news of the day.
For a while it didn't seem like Pedro was too upset about what he saw...but he's a pretty sensitive guy that keeps things in...deep in. I tried to talk to him throughout the rest of the day but he didn't say much, until the car ride home after Kids Club. He started to ask me questions about God and how He could let something like that happen. I have been telling him for years that he doesn't need to be afraid because God will always protect him, but why didn't God protect the boy who was shot?
How do you answer that question for an 11 year old? Its the same question, in different form, that I have been asking myself recently...
So, we talked about how there is sin in the world, and because there is sin, bad things will happen to us. The reason we never have to be afraid is not because God will make sure bad things will never happen to us, but because no matter what happens to us, God will always be with us. If something happens and we do end up dying, we know where we are going and we will be with God forever. If we don't die, God will be with us to help us through pain and hard times. God will never leave us.
Pedro seemed to accept that answer and was comforted by the idea that God is always with him. He and I also talked about how we can see that God is protecting Pedro. This is the 2nd shooting in the last few months to happen right outside his house. Both times he (or Miguel) could have very easily been walking by and gotten caught in the crossfire, but they weren't. God is protecting them.
I have to admit that this whole thing has me scared. The thought of Pedro (or any of my other kids) getting caught in gunfire terrifies me. The thought of losing them...
It also made me so sad to think about what these kids are growing up in the middle of. Last week the big news up here was about 2 teachers being beat up in school by angry students. One teacher had several vertebrae broken and has to wear a halo drilled into his scalp to heal. Today there were 2 major shootings in Pedro's neighborhood...2 in the same day. I grew up with trees and mountains, these kids are growing up with fights, weapons, dead bodies, bloodied side walks, and body bags. They legitimately fear being killed by gunfire, something that never crossed my mind as a kid.
It would be so easy to say that this neighborhood has no hope. More often than I am willing to admit, I think about taking these kids out of here for good and not looking back. But, I trust that God is not only taking care of these kids, but He is raising them up to be a part of the change this neighborhood will go through. I know He wants to do something amazing in Kensington, and I don't think it is a coincidence that Pedro has been so protected from the things around him. Same with Miguel, Bonita, Linda...and many other kids. He is raising up this next generation to draw people back to Him. Pray that they survive.
Just minutes before Pedro got home from school, an 11 year old boy walking down the street (the same street Pedro lives on) was caught in gun crossfire and was killed. Pedro walked past the scene after the shooting ended, but in enough time to see the dead body of the 11 year old boy. Pedro is 11 himself.
The shooting didn't make the evening news because another shooting, only 2 blocks away from the first, occurred later and it involved gunfire from the police so it was more "high profile". It still blows my mind that these kids are growing up in a neighborhood where the shooting death of an 11 year old boy is not the biggest news of the day.
For a while it didn't seem like Pedro was too upset about what he saw...but he's a pretty sensitive guy that keeps things in...deep in. I tried to talk to him throughout the rest of the day but he didn't say much, until the car ride home after Kids Club. He started to ask me questions about God and how He could let something like that happen. I have been telling him for years that he doesn't need to be afraid because God will always protect him, but why didn't God protect the boy who was shot?
How do you answer that question for an 11 year old? Its the same question, in different form, that I have been asking myself recently...
So, we talked about how there is sin in the world, and because there is sin, bad things will happen to us. The reason we never have to be afraid is not because God will make sure bad things will never happen to us, but because no matter what happens to us, God will always be with us. If something happens and we do end up dying, we know where we are going and we will be with God forever. If we don't die, God will be with us to help us through pain and hard times. God will never leave us.
Pedro seemed to accept that answer and was comforted by the idea that God is always with him. He and I also talked about how we can see that God is protecting Pedro. This is the 2nd shooting in the last few months to happen right outside his house. Both times he (or Miguel) could have very easily been walking by and gotten caught in the crossfire, but they weren't. God is protecting them.
I have to admit that this whole thing has me scared. The thought of Pedro (or any of my other kids) getting caught in gunfire terrifies me. The thought of losing them...
It also made me so sad to think about what these kids are growing up in the middle of. Last week the big news up here was about 2 teachers being beat up in school by angry students. One teacher had several vertebrae broken and has to wear a halo drilled into his scalp to heal. Today there were 2 major shootings in Pedro's neighborhood...2 in the same day. I grew up with trees and mountains, these kids are growing up with fights, weapons, dead bodies, bloodied side walks, and body bags. They legitimately fear being killed by gunfire, something that never crossed my mind as a kid.
It would be so easy to say that this neighborhood has no hope. More often than I am willing to admit, I think about taking these kids out of here for good and not looking back. But, I trust that God is not only taking care of these kids, but He is raising them up to be a part of the change this neighborhood will go through. I know He wants to do something amazing in Kensington, and I don't think it is a coincidence that Pedro has been so protected from the things around him. Same with Miguel, Bonita, Linda...and many other kids. He is raising up this next generation to draw people back to Him. Pray that they survive.
Monday, March 19, 2007
My life is NOT a TV Show
I have decided that I would like to live in a TV show, a comedy. Problems would arise, but more often than not, they would be quickly resolved. Even if it took weeks or months to resolve the problem, I wouldn't have to actually sit through that time...the weeks/months would be condensed into minutes. I could always be sure that things would end happily and that difficult times would be lightened with a bit of comedy. Plus, if I Tivo the show, I can fast forward through things that are just too hard and go straight to the happy ending.
Real life is SO different. I actually have to sit through difficult times, with no guarantee of them ending well...nor do any idea how long they will last. I have poured 5 years into Bonita and Linda. 5 years, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. But, there is no guarantee that they will follow the Lord when they get older. I have poured out love, but there is no guarantee that I will receive love in return. I think I have been living my life with the mindset that as long as I continue to follow the Lord, I will be rewarded with good things. While the Lord does promise to take care of me, and to NEVER leave me, He never made any promises about what my life would really look like. I keep waiting for the day when I will stop crying so much, but that day isn't promised until heaven. I keep waiting for the "American dream" that I kinda feel like I deserve...but the truth is, I was never promised that.
Right now I am going through the Word to figure out what I am really promised. What I have found is that I'm not promised a whole lot in terms of this life...at least not a lot of tangible things. God promises to take care of me, but He never really says what that will look like. He promises to eventually wipe every tear from my eye, but here on earth He only promises to be with me while I cry, bottling up every tear. There is no promise of stopping the tears. I know there are many more promises; I have just started my journey. However, as I read the Psalms and hear David's cries, I am starting to realize that my life will never be a television show. There are some similarities...in both TV and life there are moments of joy and sorrow, very interesting characters, and life lessons to learn. But, real life is hard. It requires persistence and perseverance and there is no easy way to get through it. For those people who think Christianity is just a crutch...well, I would like them to walk a few days in my shoes and tell me what exactly "Christianity" is protecting me from.
We learned tonight at God Squad about the 10 plagues that God sent on the Egyptians. We decided that He went to some really drastic measures for 2 main reasons: 1) To display His power and glory and 2) to take care of His people. God will go to whatever lengths necessary to make sure His glory is revealed and to ensure that His people are taken care of. Taking care of His children, however, does not mean providing them with the "American dream". It means drawing them into Him, deepening the intimate relationship He has with His bride...taking care of us means giving us our hearts desire. In order to do that, He has to strip us of all the things that we desire that are pathetic replacements of what our heart truly desires. Once He has done that, we realize what our true hearts' desire is...Him. He wants to get us to the point where we can say: I honestly and truly only want Him. If I never have an earthly husband, if I never know what it feels like to not have people leave...if I feel the pain that I am experiencing right now every day for the rest of my life, I will still say that He is worth it. I will still say He is good.
Real life is SO different. I actually have to sit through difficult times, with no guarantee of them ending well...nor do any idea how long they will last. I have poured 5 years into Bonita and Linda. 5 years, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. But, there is no guarantee that they will follow the Lord when they get older. I have poured out love, but there is no guarantee that I will receive love in return. I think I have been living my life with the mindset that as long as I continue to follow the Lord, I will be rewarded with good things. While the Lord does promise to take care of me, and to NEVER leave me, He never made any promises about what my life would really look like. I keep waiting for the day when I will stop crying so much, but that day isn't promised until heaven. I keep waiting for the "American dream" that I kinda feel like I deserve...but the truth is, I was never promised that.
Right now I am going through the Word to figure out what I am really promised. What I have found is that I'm not promised a whole lot in terms of this life...at least not a lot of tangible things. God promises to take care of me, but He never really says what that will look like. He promises to eventually wipe every tear from my eye, but here on earth He only promises to be with me while I cry, bottling up every tear. There is no promise of stopping the tears. I know there are many more promises; I have just started my journey. However, as I read the Psalms and hear David's cries, I am starting to realize that my life will never be a television show. There are some similarities...in both TV and life there are moments of joy and sorrow, very interesting characters, and life lessons to learn. But, real life is hard. It requires persistence and perseverance and there is no easy way to get through it. For those people who think Christianity is just a crutch...well, I would like them to walk a few days in my shoes and tell me what exactly "Christianity" is protecting me from.
We learned tonight at God Squad about the 10 plagues that God sent on the Egyptians. We decided that He went to some really drastic measures for 2 main reasons: 1) To display His power and glory and 2) to take care of His people. God will go to whatever lengths necessary to make sure His glory is revealed and to ensure that His people are taken care of. Taking care of His children, however, does not mean providing them with the "American dream". It means drawing them into Him, deepening the intimate relationship He has with His bride...taking care of us means giving us our hearts desire. In order to do that, He has to strip us of all the things that we desire that are pathetic replacements of what our heart truly desires. Once He has done that, we realize what our true hearts' desire is...Him. He wants to get us to the point where we can say: I honestly and truly only want Him. If I never have an earthly husband, if I never know what it feels like to not have people leave...if I feel the pain that I am experiencing right now every day for the rest of my life, I will still say that He is worth it. I will still say He is good.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Roller Coaster
This week has been a crazy one. I feel like I am constantly pulled in so many different directions, mostly between teens and kids. Several of my ministries allow me to spend time with both, but I also have time where I just spend with kids and other times that I just spend with teens. The reality is that both groups need more attention, and I hate that I can't give either the attention that they want. I have been struggling a lot more with that this week than usual. I know its not my fault, and I am absolutely doing the best I can...and the truth is, I will never be able to fully be what anyone needs, that's God's job. Still, I want so badly to be more than I am.
This really hit me tonight as I found out another one of our teens is pregnant. She just recently been getting involved in our teen ministries, but had been away for the last few weeks. I have tried to reach out to her, and prayed a lot for her, but nothing seemed to be working. Then tonight her little sister told me that she was pregnant. She is 15 years old.
After Prayer Pals I decided to go for a short walk while it was still light outside and just pray. My mind wandered everywhere and it ended on, I am a failure. I went before the Lord and cried out for the teens. I don't know what else I can do, but I feel like something else needs to be done. I was feeling like an absolute failure.
Then I came home and went through the kids' Prayer Pal letter from tonight. I usually read the letters to see whats going on in the kids' lives (they know I do this). The topic for them to write about tonight was "If I could spend an entire day with anyone, it would be...". We have a group visiting this week and helping out, and several of the kids said they would want to spend a day with one of the people in the group. Others said that they wanted to spend time with their Prayer Pal. One little kid said he wanted to spend his entire day with me and eat ice cream, which made me smile. Then I read the letter from a 14 year old girl. Here is her letter:
"If I could hang out with anyone it would be with Trish Reed. I would hang out with her because she knows how to have a lot of fun. She is always there for me when I wanna talk to her. I think she is one of my favorite people in the world. I hope she never leaves. She is an amazing person to be my role model. I wish I could grow up to be just like her. She is definitely my role model."
Just when I think I can't do anything right...
Life, and especially ministry, is such a roller coaster! This girls' letter has changed my prayer though. I no longer want to care if I am a "success" or "failure", I just want to be used. I want to be the role model this girl should be looking at, so Lord, make me more like you. Nothing else, just more of you.
This really hit me tonight as I found out another one of our teens is pregnant. She just recently been getting involved in our teen ministries, but had been away for the last few weeks. I have tried to reach out to her, and prayed a lot for her, but nothing seemed to be working. Then tonight her little sister told me that she was pregnant. She is 15 years old.
After Prayer Pals I decided to go for a short walk while it was still light outside and just pray. My mind wandered everywhere and it ended on, I am a failure. I went before the Lord and cried out for the teens. I don't know what else I can do, but I feel like something else needs to be done. I was feeling like an absolute failure.
Then I came home and went through the kids' Prayer Pal letter from tonight. I usually read the letters to see whats going on in the kids' lives (they know I do this). The topic for them to write about tonight was "If I could spend an entire day with anyone, it would be...". We have a group visiting this week and helping out, and several of the kids said they would want to spend a day with one of the people in the group. Others said that they wanted to spend time with their Prayer Pal. One little kid said he wanted to spend his entire day with me and eat ice cream, which made me smile. Then I read the letter from a 14 year old girl. Here is her letter:
"If I could hang out with anyone it would be with Trish Reed. I would hang out with her because she knows how to have a lot of fun. She is always there for me when I wanna talk to her. I think she is one of my favorite people in the world. I hope she never leaves. She is an amazing person to be my role model. I wish I could grow up to be just like her. She is definitely my role model."
Just when I think I can't do anything right...
Life, and especially ministry, is such a roller coaster! This girls' letter has changed my prayer though. I no longer want to care if I am a "success" or "failure", I just want to be used. I want to be the role model this girl should be looking at, so Lord, make me more like you. Nothing else, just more of you.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Its actually happening!!
I am actually doing it! For the past few weeks I have been getting up around 6:30 every morning and heading to the gym. I have only missed a few days and I usually ended up making up that time by running on my own or something later in the day. I am LOVING it! I still struggle with actually getting up in the morning (mostly because I am having a hard time getting to sleep at a decent hour), but once I am up it feels so great. This morning I even ran to the gym as a warm up before doing my weights. (Okay, so I didn't run the whole way...give me a break, I have to work up to that!). I have stepped up my weights work out (thanks to some friendly competition from my little brother) and I am really loving that. Plus, the getting up early is helping me actually have the time to do all the things I need to in a day. I still don't usually start "working" until around 9 or 10, but I have been able to spend some time on me before I start work, which is so wonderful. (Of course, that still leaves me with 10-12 hour work days Monday-Thursday, so I am also trying to learn to take it a little easier on the weekends...trying to...). I am really praying that I can keep this up! Everyone around me has been getting sick for the past few weeks, and I am praying that I will not get it! Physically I feel great, but any illness can totally throw me off. I remember the last time I was doing this well I got malaria and it took me months to get back on track. I don't want that to happen again!
After-school is going well again this week. I have another group helping out this week, so I spend most of my time wandering around and really not doing much. I am loving the fact that the kids are getting so much attention and love, but I have to admit that I am a bit jealous that I don't get to spend as much time with them. I NEVER thought I would say this, but I am missing it being just me and the kids! :) I will regret that statement next week when everything returns to normal, haha. Seeing the way things have been going the last 2 weeks has given me a lot of ideas for next year, which I am really excited about. I am determined now more than ever to really seek God's will and ONLY His plan. So, I am spending a lot of time in prayer about next year and I am really excited to see what plans He has. I am asking Him to be the creative God that He is and to take me along with Him. The success of the After-School Challenge and the Mystery Suspect at Kids Club has inspired me to really seek new ideas and to try them out. I don't know what that all means for next year, but I will keep you updated!
While so many things are going so well, I am still finding myself struggling a bit. I am lonely. As much as I try to get over it, fill my time with whatever I can so I don't have to face it...it can't be avoided. I am lonely. I have incredible friends here in Philadelphia, but I don't get much time to spend with them. I don't get much opportunity to just hang out and laugh with my friends, do fun things or even talk about the Lord with them. I am usually either doing ministry or at home alone. I find joy in my ministry and in my time at home, but I really like my friends. Hopefully God will open up some doors and some time for me to really get to just laugh with people that I care about, and that care about me...people over the age of 17. :)
After-school is going well again this week. I have another group helping out this week, so I spend most of my time wandering around and really not doing much. I am loving the fact that the kids are getting so much attention and love, but I have to admit that I am a bit jealous that I don't get to spend as much time with them. I NEVER thought I would say this, but I am missing it being just me and the kids! :) I will regret that statement next week when everything returns to normal, haha. Seeing the way things have been going the last 2 weeks has given me a lot of ideas for next year, which I am really excited about. I am determined now more than ever to really seek God's will and ONLY His plan. So, I am spending a lot of time in prayer about next year and I am really excited to see what plans He has. I am asking Him to be the creative God that He is and to take me along with Him. The success of the After-School Challenge and the Mystery Suspect at Kids Club has inspired me to really seek new ideas and to try them out. I don't know what that all means for next year, but I will keep you updated!
While so many things are going so well, I am still finding myself struggling a bit. I am lonely. As much as I try to get over it, fill my time with whatever I can so I don't have to face it...it can't be avoided. I am lonely. I have incredible friends here in Philadelphia, but I don't get much time to spend with them. I don't get much opportunity to just hang out and laugh with my friends, do fun things or even talk about the Lord with them. I am usually either doing ministry or at home alone. I find joy in my ministry and in my time at home, but I really like my friends. Hopefully God will open up some doors and some time for me to really get to just laugh with people that I care about, and that care about me...people over the age of 17. :)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Life is Messy
Right now I am really wishing that life was easy and not messy. Let's be honest, though, life is not easy, and it most definitely is messy. At least my life is...
My life would be so much easier if I could just figure out exactly how to give everything over to God. I hear people say it all the time..."Let Go and Let God", but would somebody please explain to me how to do that?
My life would be easier if I could learn to guard my heart. It says we are supposed to do that in scripture; in Proverbs 4 it says..."Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life". Sounds easy enough, right? But if my heart is the wellspring of life, then it is from my heart that the people around me can receive the living water! So, how do I guard it without blocking it off completely? I mean, I would have no problem putting up a fortress around it and keeping it safe from any enemy attack. But, that would also block the wellspring of life from flowing out of me...and I definitely don't want that. So, what am I supposed to do? I wish the answer to that question was simple, but so far I haven't been able to figure it out. Philippians tells us that if we go to God in prayer and petition, trusting in Him, He will guard our hearts. That seems simple...pray and God will take care of it. But what about when God is silent? What happens when you pray and ask God to guard your heart, but your heart continues to hurt? What happens when the people around you, whether they know what they are doing or not, continue to pierce your heart, and you have no idea how to protect it? What happens when you cry out to God and you don't hear anything in response? What do you do then?
I actually do know the answer to that question, but its not an easy thing to do. The answer is to wait. Augh, I hate that word! I don't like waiting, especially when I am suffering and I just want things to get better. When something is broken, I want it fixed, I don't want to have to wait for it to be fixed! But the truth is, I am broken...and I need to be fixed. I can't fix myself, and no one else can fix me. I have to wait to be fixed.
So, I am in the place of waiting. Did I mention that I hate waiting? I have tried several other things to try and fix myself, and none of them have worked (no surprise there). Its kinda like if my toilet broke at 4 in the morning and I really wanted to go to the bathroom. As hard as I would try, there is no way I could just fix a toilet. It wouldn't matter how desperate I was to fix it, how badly I needed to use the bathroom, I would not suddenly be given the gift of toilet fixing. I would have to wait...to wait for a man who knew how to fix toilets.
There is only one man who knows how to fix me, and no matter how desperate I am to be fixed, I have to wait on Him. He promises to come, He promises to fix me...but He makes no promises about when and how. So, I wait. Did I mention that I hate waiting?
As I wait, there is silence. I look around and can see and feel little comfort. This does not make the waiting easier. Again, I cry out for someone to at least make the wait bearable. Again, I hear nothing. So, I have to turn to the only thing I know...to the only thing that has ever really brought me comfort in times of trouble, peace in times of chaos, and love in times of loneliness- the Scripture. Here is what the truth says:
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. " ~Psalm 51:17
"because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:3-4
"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy" ~ James 5:11
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8
My life would be so much easier if I could just figure out exactly how to give everything over to God. I hear people say it all the time..."Let Go and Let God", but would somebody please explain to me how to do that?
My life would be easier if I could learn to guard my heart. It says we are supposed to do that in scripture; in Proverbs 4 it says..."Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life". Sounds easy enough, right? But if my heart is the wellspring of life, then it is from my heart that the people around me can receive the living water! So, how do I guard it without blocking it off completely? I mean, I would have no problem putting up a fortress around it and keeping it safe from any enemy attack. But, that would also block the wellspring of life from flowing out of me...and I definitely don't want that. So, what am I supposed to do? I wish the answer to that question was simple, but so far I haven't been able to figure it out. Philippians tells us that if we go to God in prayer and petition, trusting in Him, He will guard our hearts. That seems simple...pray and God will take care of it. But what about when God is silent? What happens when you pray and ask God to guard your heart, but your heart continues to hurt? What happens when the people around you, whether they know what they are doing or not, continue to pierce your heart, and you have no idea how to protect it? What happens when you cry out to God and you don't hear anything in response? What do you do then?
I actually do know the answer to that question, but its not an easy thing to do. The answer is to wait. Augh, I hate that word! I don't like waiting, especially when I am suffering and I just want things to get better. When something is broken, I want it fixed, I don't want to have to wait for it to be fixed! But the truth is, I am broken...and I need to be fixed. I can't fix myself, and no one else can fix me. I have to wait to be fixed.
So, I am in the place of waiting. Did I mention that I hate waiting? I have tried several other things to try and fix myself, and none of them have worked (no surprise there). Its kinda like if my toilet broke at 4 in the morning and I really wanted to go to the bathroom. As hard as I would try, there is no way I could just fix a toilet. It wouldn't matter how desperate I was to fix it, how badly I needed to use the bathroom, I would not suddenly be given the gift of toilet fixing. I would have to wait...to wait for a man who knew how to fix toilets.
There is only one man who knows how to fix me, and no matter how desperate I am to be fixed, I have to wait on Him. He promises to come, He promises to fix me...but He makes no promises about when and how. So, I wait. Did I mention that I hate waiting?
As I wait, there is silence. I look around and can see and feel little comfort. This does not make the waiting easier. Again, I cry out for someone to at least make the wait bearable. Again, I hear nothing. So, I have to turn to the only thing I know...to the only thing that has ever really brought me comfort in times of trouble, peace in times of chaos, and love in times of loneliness- the Scripture. Here is what the truth says:
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. " ~Psalm 51:17
"because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:3-4
"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy" ~ James 5:11
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8
"Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations. He will not quarrel or cry out; no one will hear his voice in the streets. A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. In his name the nations will put their hope." ~Matthew 12:18-21 (I feel bruised...and I am a Reed, haha) :)
There is so much more that I could put on here, but there isn't room. I do finally want to add a "parable" that I recently read in Larry Crabb's book, "Shattered Dreams". Its amazing and absolutely speaks to my heart. (Just click on the image to make it bigger so you can read it.)
There is so much more that I could put on here, but there isn't room. I do finally want to add a "parable" that I recently read in Larry Crabb's book, "Shattered Dreams". Its amazing and absolutely speaks to my heart. (Just click on the image to make it bigger so you can read it.)
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
More about After-School
I know a lot of my blog entries focus around the after-school program, and unfortunately this one won't be any different. Its a huge part of my life, and a huge part of my prayer life right now as I continually seek God's direction in my life.
This week there is a group of college students here on a missions trip with AIM. They have been coming to after-school everyday, and it has been incredible. The after-school program, for the first time ever, is exactly what I envisioned it to be. Every kid has someone to help them with their homework and then play with them. Every child is getting love and attention. There is little chaos and there haven't been any fights this week. I have hardly had to do anything but love kids...and its been so wonderful!
The problem is, all of that is going to end soon. There is another group coming next week, which I am so excited about, but after that...its back to just me and the kids. Plus, all the pressure of coming up with new ideas, planning field trips, etc. is still all on me. Not to mention, I HAVE to be there every day. There is not a single day that I can decide not to go, and that's a lot for me.
One of the visiting college students asked me about my vision for after-school, and I had to honestly tell her I don't really have one. I had one, and a lot of my goals have been accomplished, despite the fact that the program has never really looked like I thought it would. But, I don't really have any idea where to go from here, and even if I went back to my original vision, I have no idea how to get there.
I do, however, have vision. In addition to poor education in terms of reading, writing and math, the Philadelphia schools are virtually void of the arts and physical education. I want to get the kids more involved in the arts...start a drawing and/or photography class. I want to push nutrition and physical activity so they can grow up healthy. So, maybe next year I will do that. Instead of after-school every day, I will have it 2 days a week. The other 2 days I could have a photography class and a physical education class. It would help get rid of the monotony and I could reach more kids (different kids could be involved in different activities). Plus, I think I could get help for the individual classes. Its much easier for people to commit to helping with one program that meets one day a week than it is to be a part of a 4 day a week program.
These are all just ideas, and I still have many months of praying and brainstorming to do. I don't know where God is taking me, but I can't help but wonder if this week is His way of showing me that He did give me the vision for after-school, and the vision has come to life (even if it is for a short time), but now its time to move on. I'm not good at letting go though...
This week there is a group of college students here on a missions trip with AIM. They have been coming to after-school everyday, and it has been incredible. The after-school program, for the first time ever, is exactly what I envisioned it to be. Every kid has someone to help them with their homework and then play with them. Every child is getting love and attention. There is little chaos and there haven't been any fights this week. I have hardly had to do anything but love kids...and its been so wonderful!
The problem is, all of that is going to end soon. There is another group coming next week, which I am so excited about, but after that...its back to just me and the kids. Plus, all the pressure of coming up with new ideas, planning field trips, etc. is still all on me. Not to mention, I HAVE to be there every day. There is not a single day that I can decide not to go, and that's a lot for me.
One of the visiting college students asked me about my vision for after-school, and I had to honestly tell her I don't really have one. I had one, and a lot of my goals have been accomplished, despite the fact that the program has never really looked like I thought it would. But, I don't really have any idea where to go from here, and even if I went back to my original vision, I have no idea how to get there.
I do, however, have vision. In addition to poor education in terms of reading, writing and math, the Philadelphia schools are virtually void of the arts and physical education. I want to get the kids more involved in the arts...start a drawing and/or photography class. I want to push nutrition and physical activity so they can grow up healthy. So, maybe next year I will do that. Instead of after-school every day, I will have it 2 days a week. The other 2 days I could have a photography class and a physical education class. It would help get rid of the monotony and I could reach more kids (different kids could be involved in different activities). Plus, I think I could get help for the individual classes. Its much easier for people to commit to helping with one program that meets one day a week than it is to be a part of a 4 day a week program.
These are all just ideas, and I still have many months of praying and brainstorming to do. I don't know where God is taking me, but I can't help but wonder if this week is His way of showing me that He did give me the vision for after-school, and the vision has come to life (even if it is for a short time), but now its time to move on. I'm not good at letting go though...
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Blinders
I was driving on the highway today and I passed a trailer with some horses in it. I casually glanced over at them and noticed that they were wearing blinders. Trainers put those on the horses so that the horses can't look around and get spooked by their surroundings. As long as the horses look straight ahead and aren't distracted, the ride will be fine for them.
That got me thinking about the blinders that used to be on me, and how sometimes I wish I had them back. Recently I have been wanting to live in ignorance of the things going on around me...ignorance is bliss, so they say, and I want to live in bliss! Sometimes it seems like things were so much simpler before I had my blinders taken off. Before I knew what a homeless person caught in addiction really looked like. Before I knew the names and faces of children who don't know what it means to be loved. Before I saw the faces of people abandoned and forgotten. Before I knew what loneliness really meant. Things seemed much simpler then, and much more blissful.
As nice as the ride is for the horses, however, there is a lot that they miss out on when they are wearing their blinders. Today was a beautiful day in Philadelphia, and the skyline was absolutely captivating...but the horses missed it because their blinders kept them from seeing it. There were children laughing in the car in front of me, and the horses missed it. I didn't though. I don't have blinders, and as often as I get to see the ugly, I also get to see the spectacular.
So, I had to ask myself...do I really want blinders? Or, is it worth it to see (and even feel) the ugly so that I also get to see the beautiful? The answer is very easy...I do NOT want the blinders, and its absolutely worth it. The truth is, everything goes so much deeper that even what you see. For every homeless addict I meet on the street, there is a God who knows their every need and desire, and desires to take care of them. For every child that doesn't feel loved, there is a heavenly Father pursuing him/her with intense and undeniable love. For every person person who feels abandoned and forgotten, there is a God who has promised to NEVER leave or forsake them. For every lonely person, there is a God with them at every moment. There is a God who loves them...there is the God who IS love.
There is beauty all around me that I don't want to miss. Bonita and Linda dancing before the Lord and loving it. Miguel reading his bible the day he couldn't come to after-school, and then being so excited about what he read that he had to run and tell me all about it. Pedro making me a card and telling me that I am his best friend. The Lord meeting me in my most desperate moment of loneliness and telling me that He sees me.
The truth is that there is also beauty everywhere, even in the ugly, so to be blinded to anything, good or bad, is to be blinded to Christ. I don't want that. I want all of Him. I want to see and do and feel whatever it takes to receive all of Him. So Lord, keep my eyes focused on you. Help me to not get spooked by my surroundings, but please don't put blinders on me. I want to see everything...I want to see you.
That got me thinking about the blinders that used to be on me, and how sometimes I wish I had them back. Recently I have been wanting to live in ignorance of the things going on around me...ignorance is bliss, so they say, and I want to live in bliss! Sometimes it seems like things were so much simpler before I had my blinders taken off. Before I knew what a homeless person caught in addiction really looked like. Before I knew the names and faces of children who don't know what it means to be loved. Before I saw the faces of people abandoned and forgotten. Before I knew what loneliness really meant. Things seemed much simpler then, and much more blissful.
As nice as the ride is for the horses, however, there is a lot that they miss out on when they are wearing their blinders. Today was a beautiful day in Philadelphia, and the skyline was absolutely captivating...but the horses missed it because their blinders kept them from seeing it. There were children laughing in the car in front of me, and the horses missed it. I didn't though. I don't have blinders, and as often as I get to see the ugly, I also get to see the spectacular.
So, I had to ask myself...do I really want blinders? Or, is it worth it to see (and even feel) the ugly so that I also get to see the beautiful? The answer is very easy...I do NOT want the blinders, and its absolutely worth it. The truth is, everything goes so much deeper that even what you see. For every homeless addict I meet on the street, there is a God who knows their every need and desire, and desires to take care of them. For every child that doesn't feel loved, there is a heavenly Father pursuing him/her with intense and undeniable love. For every person person who feels abandoned and forgotten, there is a God who has promised to NEVER leave or forsake them. For every lonely person, there is a God with them at every moment. There is a God who loves them...there is the God who IS love.
There is beauty all around me that I don't want to miss. Bonita and Linda dancing before the Lord and loving it. Miguel reading his bible the day he couldn't come to after-school, and then being so excited about what he read that he had to run and tell me all about it. Pedro making me a card and telling me that I am his best friend. The Lord meeting me in my most desperate moment of loneliness and telling me that He sees me.
The truth is that there is also beauty everywhere, even in the ugly, so to be blinded to anything, good or bad, is to be blinded to Christ. I don't want that. I want all of Him. I want to see and do and feel whatever it takes to receive all of Him. So Lord, keep my eyes focused on you. Help me to not get spooked by my surroundings, but please don't put blinders on me. I want to see everything...I want to see you.
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