Okay, I have to start this post with something funny. My mom called me yesterday to inform me that I had spelled Philadelphia wrong in the title of my blog. I have had this blog for close to a year now and no one has noticed, or if they have they didn't say anything. I certainly didn't notice! I'm excited to see my mom is finally reading this thing, and keeping me accountable with my spelling. :) Thanks mom!!! (I have fixed the misspelling, fyi, so don't go looking for it now, haha)
I am back from staff retreat and I am SO excited to be home!!! I'm going to bed soon (in my OWN bed!) and I will wake up tomorrow whenever I wake up! And, I don't have ANYTHING on my to do list for the day! I am SO EXCITED!!! I do have plenty of things to do, but nothing is pressing. I think I will pretend I'm not in town so I can just do whatever I want. Maybe I'll read a book...maybe I'll watch a movie...maybe I'll go for a run...who knows??? I'll decide tomorrow!!
So, to explain a little about the title of this post...on the way back from the mission trip one of the teens, L, had a mood ring and we all took turns putting it on and seeing what mood we were in. For some reason that entertained us for hours. I don't have the mood ring but I am experiencing a variety of emotions so I thought I would be creative with the title of this post. Of course, the only people that would really get it are the people that don't read this blog...but oh well!
Staff retreat has left me in a state of mixed emotions. I will try to explain, but as usual I make no promises of making sense. Overall it was a good retreat. I really enjoyed my time with the girls and although they added to my responsibility while there, it was worth it. They make me laugh and smile a lot. The 3 of us have been together for 5 years now and there is an incredible level of comfortably with us. I know them, they know me. We love each other, we annoy each other. We make mistakes, we forgive, we challenge and we grow. Its hard, but its wonderful.
I had fun with the staff as well. I got to the retreat on time (for the first year ever, haha) and enjoyed hanging out with some of the staff in a relaxed low key environment. Our first meeting as a staff went well as we all shared how our summers went. It was encouraging to hear some awesome things that God did in and through each of us this summer, but it was difficult to hear some of the struggles everyone faced...mostly being overworked and not getting enough time with family. Overall, though, we were all encouraged by what God had done. In fact, this time last year we were making a long list of mistakes we had made, and this summer that list was much shorter. Praise God!
We only had 2 more meetings as a staff over the course of the retreat and they were good as well. We spent a lot of time this morning in prayer and I was VERY encouraged, uplifted and motivated as I felt the Spirit of God rest amongst us. I was most encouraged to watch all of us just enjoy one another and everyone be excited about the upcoming year.
Now for the hard stuff. I feel more alone now than ever before. Carisa has had an EXTREMELY difficult summer...and that comes after a pretty difficult spring and fall. In fact, I would say that the last year has been one of the hardest of her life. (Ironically, it has been one of the hardest for me as well, although in a very different way). Anyway, she has continued to work in full time ministry accomplishing things that would blow your mind, all while raising a wonderful and rambunctious 1 year old, homeshooling an equally wonderful and very strong willed 5 year old, mentoring/supporting/mothering a beautiful and hurting 17 year old girl that isn't even her own, and supporting a very hard working and in demand (but also very supportive and loving) husband. How in the world she survived can only be attributed to the supernatural strength of God. However, it is time for her to rest. So, she is stepping out of all ministry for at least the next 4 months. It is absolutely needed, deserved, and a part of God's plan.
Now, I am alone in everything that I do. I came on staff specifically to work along side Carisa and almost exactly 2 years to the day that I came on staff, Carisa steps down. And now I am alone. Before I go on, I want to make it clear that every role I am taking on in the fall is a role I feel called to. I do NOT feel pushed or manipulated into it, I know God is leading me to it. That doesn't mean I really like it though...
After Carisa made her announcement (and my heart broke for her), I immediately told God I would not take over her job as leader of Kids Club. I have said that before (you can actually read it in previous blog posts), but God had another plan in mind (don't ever tell God never...He doesn't like that word, haha). After some discussion it was decided that Denise (a wonderful woman who leads Sunday School and Children's Church) and I would co-lead Kids Club this fall. I also decided that I would take over her Prayer Pals. I decided a while ago that I would not be running after-school in the fall, so that frees up a lot of my time to be able to take on these new responsibilities. I will be helping with teen after-school tutoring, but it isn't a program and I am not in charge of it by myself, so I don't think it will be too bad.
One of the reasons that I wanted Bonita and Linda to come on the staff retreat was so I could feel more connected to the staff. It is a family retreat and I thought if I had somewhat of a family around I wouldn't feel as out of place. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I actually felt 100% more connected last year when the single people were allowed to be single and the families were allowed to be families. This year most of the conversations were (as usual) about children and families, and I (as usual) had no input. Occasionally conversation would drift to the "old days", of which I was not a part, so I just listened a lot. I enjoyed having Bonita and Linda as a distraction, but I felt very disconnected from the staff.
Another thing that has always kept me connected was Carisa. I am now the only woman on full time, support raised staff at the church. I never wanted that, I don't like that. I know its not PC to say that I don't like God's plan, but I'm just being honest...right now I just don't like it.
I am so frustrated with doing things alone...with being alone...I could just scream. I have been thinking about Joseph for the last few days and wondering what he thought as he sat in prison...time after time. His brothers sell him into slavery but he works his way out of that. Then, when faced with the temptation of lust he runs away, only to be put in jail. Seriously Lord?!? From there he is able to interpret dreams for other people who are in jail with him, and they promise to talk to the Pharaoh for him and get him out of jail. But, they forget and he stays in jail. Are you kidding me God?!? Then, he finally gets out of jail, works really hard, follows God...and is still faced with having to forgive the people that caused him all that hardship in the first place. For the Love!!! I know Joseph stayed faithful, trusted God and followed Him every step of the way...but he couldn't have been happy about everything that happened to him, right?
Throughout every good and bad thing that happened to Joseph, the Word says that God was with him, there was never a doubt that God was in the midst of everything that Joseph faced. Joseph was in prison for 2 years before the cup bearer that promised to get him out of jail remembered his promise. Do you think there was ever a time when Joseph got frustrated? I believe that Joseph trusted completely in God's plan and ultimately desired for God's will to be done in his life...but was he always happy with the direction God was taking him?
I am not. I 100% trust in God's plan, will follow God's plan and in the deepest part of my heart I desire this over anything else that I could be given. If given the choice between God's plan for my life (no matter how difficult), or an easier road where I might know God but not experience Him the way I do now...I would ABSOLUTELY choose the road I am on. Still...I'm not always happy about the direction that road takes me. I don't like where I have to walk right now...I especially don't like that I have to walk it alone. I hate that I am walking it alone.
Joseph had a dream when he was young where he saw his brothers bowing down before him. He knew how his story would end, or at least he had an idea. I don't know if he remembered the dream his whole life, but God told him from the very beginning how his story would end. I don't know how my story will end...I like knowing the ending. I am the girl that reads the last chapter of the book to decide if the book is worth reading. If I don't like the ending, I won't read the book. Life is a challenge for me.
I have also been thinking about Hosea. He was commanded by God to love and be faithful to a women who would not do the same for him. Time and time again the wife that Hosea loved would leave him for other men. How could Hosea accept such a thing?!? That was God's plan for him!!! Hosea and Joseph were so much more faithful than I will ever be...
I am excited about the challenges that I will face in the upcoming year. I am especially excited that I know this is completely from God. Every challenge I have ever faced has brought me closer to God and burned away more of my flesh and made me more like Him...and Lord knows (as do all of you), I have plenty of flesh left to burn away. A ridiculous amount in fact. I LOVE that God does that. I don't like how He does it.
You will probably laugh at me in a few months...no matter how wonderful or challenging (or both) this fall is, I KNOW that God will be all up in that (haha) and I will not regret a second of it. That's the way the last 5 years have been (okay, the last 27 years) and I have no reason to think this will be different. God is good. All the time.
"Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who is discerning? He will understand them. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them." ~Hosea 14:9
Lord, please don't let me stumble!!!!
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