In a Daze

Laura Jeanne Casteel (July 29, 1980-November 6, 2010)

I am sitting down to write (I am working hard to actually keep up with this blog!), but my mind is honestly in a daze. I am living in survival mode, just trying to make it through one day at a time. I can't complain, of course, since I am going on a cruise in 4 days (The Lord knew in September that I would be desperate for a break now!!). Still, there is so much going on, I don't even really feel like I could process it all even if I wanted to.

I spent the weekend in VA mourning the loss of an incredible woman. Her death hit me A LOT harder than I would have expected, and I certainly have not recovered. At first, I didn't think her death would linger with me. She cut herself off from me and our other high school friends years ago. I can't really remember the last time we talked, and while I often prayed for her over the years, she was not a part of my daily life. So, her passing has not left a physical void in my life. An emotional void, however, is there.

She committed suicide. This incredible beautiful, intelligent (she became a board certified pharmacist while pursuing her MBA), kind and overall amazing woman came to the point of complete hopelessness. From what I understand, the last few years of her life she was so overwhelmed by darkness that she could see nothing else. While I trust that she is finally at peace with her Lord (she was a believer), I can't seem to escape the thoughts of her struggles... especially the absolute despair she felt in her last moments. If only she knew...

Here we all are outside our favorite coffee shop, posing in Scott's parents' convertible. We met at the coffee shop regularly every summer during college and when we were in town for breaks.


The chapel was packed for her memorial service and the place was filled with pictures of her with so many people that loved her. ALL of my high school friends made the trip into town for her, traveling from San Francisco, Boston, Charleston, Indianapolis, Nashville, Philadelphia.... all at a moments notice, because she was so loved. She just couldn't see it.

The weekend it self was a roller coaster, to say the least. So much joy at seeing so many people that I love, so much sorrow as to why we were there. After the memorial service we went to Laura's parents house for a small reception. We had a lot of good times in that house in high school; working on school projects, taking pictures for school dances (they have a beautiful back yard!), and just hanging out. Her mom told us it was really nice to hear our stories and laughter in her home again. I have to agree with her.

I believe this picture was taken New Year's Eve in 1999, but I'm not positive. We are at Laura's house:

I laughed a lot, cried a lot, then laughed and cried some more. I am SO incredible blessed to have such incredible people enter into my life 18 years ago, and still be there today. We got really real with one another this weekend, sharing our joys and our struggles and committing to continue to pray for one another once we all went our separate ways. The crazy thing is, I really think we will do it.

Then... I believe this picture was taken in 2000 or 2001. On the left is the crew of girls who came from Cave Spring Junior High, and on the right is the Hidden Valley Junior High group. This is one of my favorite pictures of all of us, though I am not sure why Laura isn't in in.


And here we ALL are in 2010 (except Melissa, she had already gone home).

As if all of this wasn't enough, we have had some pretty intense things happening at church. I can't really go into details, but the situation has been very hard on MANY people in our congregation (me included) and it will take a long time to recover. All I can say is, sin is SO painful and affects MANY more people that just those who commit the sin.

As a result of all of this (and actually a few other things that I also can't really post here), I find myself tired, confused, and really evaluating my own life. There is a lot of sin in my life (like everyone else). However, I have chosen to either ignore it, or convince myself that it isn't a big deal. But it is, sin is a big deal. MY sin is a big deal. God's heart is broken by MY sin. My Savior was nailed to a cross because of MY sin.

And the enemy tells me lies. And I often believe those lies. Sometimes I am too tired to fight the lies. But if I don't fight them, I become surrounded by darkness. If I stop fighting, the darkness will hide the light. There was light in Laura's life, but she couldn't see it. No matter how hard other people tried to show it to her, she just couldn't see it. She fought for years to see it, but eventually the fight became too overwhelming.

Yup, just kind of in a daze right now. I know it seems like my mind is all over the place, but really, I have kinda stopped letting my mind wander. I'm just focusing on each day and the tasks of the day. And in 4 days I go on a cruise. All the rest of this stuff, will have to wait until I get back. :)

Sadness

I promise (fo real fo real) to write more about this later, but I am packing now to fly to Virginia tomorrow (technically I am flying into North Carolina and then driving 2 hours into Virginia, but you get the idea).

Why? Well, this past weekend a good friend from high school, Laura, committed suicide. Those of you who know me know that I am still very close to many of my high school friends. In fact, many of them are my supporters financially and ALL of them support me in prayer and encouragement. We all talk/email/facebook regularly, see each other as often as possible and even went on a big vacation together a few years ago with plans to do it again asap. It doesn't make sense outside of God's blessing, but over the last 15+ years (some of us met in junior high, others in high school); despite going to different colleges, moving to different cities, getting married and having kids, and each of us going through all kinds of changes, we have managed to all stay close.

Devastated, sad and confused are the only words I can think of to describe how I feel right now...yet they don't even begin to encompass everything. Please pray for her family.

I got the phone call on Sunday (she was found on Saturday) and by Wednesday literally ALL of my close friends from high school (including me) had plans in place to be in Roanoke by Friday for the Memorial Service. We are praying that we can be an encouragement to Laura's family as well as one another.

My friend April is flying in from Indianapolis and was able to get a flight with a layover in Philly, both going to and from North Carolina. Thankfully I was able to get on the same flight as her into and out of North Carolina. I think the least amount of time I have to spend alone the better (which is unusual for me!).

I fly out tomorrow (Thursday) and will be back in Philly Sunday morning in time for church. Its going to be a quick trip, but I am SO thankful that I am able to go. I don't know many people that are still so close to so many of their friends from high school; I feel incredibly blessed.

Now, I am off to one of the hardest weekends of my life. She was an incredible woman and actually one of the first people to introduce me to missions. Yet, at 30 years old she was so overwhelmed by darkness and depression she felt that her life was not worth living. I can't even imagine the despair that overwhelmed her at the end of her life. I am praying that she is finally at peace, but it will be a while before those of us left to mourn her find that peace again.

My friend April said it perfectly: I am grieving the loss of someone who was deeply loved by God and never understood it.

I Hate Camping....

unless it's for free food!! I, along with 6 of my friends, spend 24 straight hours camped out in a Chick Fil A parking lot in the hopes of earning free meals for a year (52 free meal coupons)!! Not only did we ALL last the entire 24 hours, but we all agree that it was totally worth it; and even pretty fun!

If you haven't heard of this (which I hadn't until recently), whenever Chick Fil A opens a new store, they have a contest for the first 100 customers to receive free Chick Fil A meals for a year. The catch is that they start counting at 6 a.m. the day BEFORE the store opens. If you are a part of the first 100, you have to stay on the Chick Fil A grounds (not even going to your car) for 24 hours. At 6 am the next day, everyone who has survived, is awarded a Chick Fil A t-shirt and 52 Free Meal Coupons! Several of my friends participated in this a few months ago when a new store opened near us, and I knew I wanted to do it some day. We heard about another store opening in Philly, only about 15 minutes from us, so we made a plan!

Because Chick Fil A doesn't want people lining up before 6 am the day before, they don't actually do the FIRST 100. At 6 am the day before the store is to open, they let everyone who is in line into the store. If there are 100 or less, then everyone gets to participate. If there are more than 100 in line, they hand out tickets and then do a drawing to determine the 100 who will participate. (People who's numbers are drawn 100-110 are allowed to stay and participate, but will only receive the free meal coupons IF someone else drops out or is disqualified).

So, at 5 a.m. on Wednesday morning Ashley, Lindsay and I got dressed (in 3 layers of clothes; it was about 30 degrees outside!) and packed up my car with a tent, air mattresses, camping chairs, sleeping bags, books, drawing supplies (for Lindsay, she doesn't like to read, haha), and everything else we could think of that we might possibly need! We then met up with Pastor Andy, Jen, Dom, and another friend named Andy to wait in line at Chick Fil A! We were really hoping we would all get to participate!

The first obstacle we had to overcome was getting Lindsay in. They ask for a picture ID (they need to make sure everyone who participates is over 18), which she doesn't have yet. So, we brought her school ID and birth certificate and hoped that would work. Thankfully, it did!! (Parents who participate ARE allowed to have their kids with them, and the kids are fed for free along with everyone else. They just can't win the free meals. How awesome is Chick Fil A??) The rest of us showed our IDs, got our ticket and hoped that there were less than 100 people in line.
Unfortunately, when we all got inside we found out that there were 115 people, so we had to wait for our ticket number to be called. That was a nerve racking time!!!

Lindsay was called first in our group, she was #4. Pastor Andy came next in the teens, and then Ashley was called in the 20's. So far so good! Only 4 people left! We didn't have any of our numbers called in the 30's or 40's and half way through the 50's we started to get really nervous. Finally, Jen's number was called at 58, and then Dom at 69. There were only 2 people left (including me!), but we were quickly running out of numbers. Andy and I sat nervously as numbers really close to ours were called, but not ours. Finally, Andy's number was called at 85! But, with only 15 numbers left to be called and 30 people still waiting, I was starting to accept the fact that my number might be the only one not called. Then, at number 92, with only 8 left to go, they called my number. WHEW!! We all got in!! We were SO excited!!!

The drawing ended around 7 am and we were all given 20 minutes to unload our cars and set up our stuff in the parking lot. We had 3 tents among us, so we put them all up next to one another and settled in for the long haul.

We didn't have too much trouble setting our tent up (thanks Varasos!!) Andy on the other hand...

Andy had a little bit of trouble with his tent, haha. Eventually we were able to set it up, though. :)

Thankfully, Chick Fil A definitely takes care of its first 100. They fed us a breakfast sandwich, a lunch sandwich and we were given an entire meal at dinner and then ice cream just before bed time (and thankfully Pastor Andy brought tons of snacks for all of us to share!). They also had coffee in the morning, hot chocolate at night, and unlimited sweet tea and water all day. It was awesome! (And yes, we could go into the store at any time and use the restroom). At random times they would call a line check and we would have to line up by our number. If you weren't there for line check, you were disqualified (unless you were in the bathroom).

They are serious about the rules too! This pic is of a sad Dom who's football is just on the other side of the barrier. He had to wait for someone to get it for him because if he went to get it he would immediately be disqualified! (He did get it back right after this picture was taken, haha).

Other than that, for the first 10 hours we were pretty much left to entertain ourselves. Unfortunately, despite how prepared we all were for cold and rain, none of us brought games!! Thankfully, plenty of people around us had games, and we had a lot of fun meeting people (including the couple participating in their 65th first 100!).

I spent a lot of time reading and writing thank you cards to some of my supporters, and idea I got from watching Pastor Andy spend a lot of his time writing. Ashley and Lindsay spent a lot of time drawing, and as expected, Jen and Dom spent a lot of time socializing. :) The other Andy did a little bit of everything, haha. 10 hours is a long time to keep busy! (Did I mention that it was cold?? Finally around 3 p.m. I was warm enough to take off a layer, but I put it right back on 3 hours later!).





Chick Fil A also hosted a few competition games. Lindsay and Dom won free milkshakes by winning games of Ninja, and I won one by winning the scavenger hunt (which I sacrificed a sock for, haha). It was fun!

They started dinner around 5, at the same time Pastor Andy's wife and kids showed up to visit him and bring us some games (YAY!!). Chick Fil A is so awesome, they let his entire family go in and eat with him, giving all of them free meals (he has 4 kids! Although the 9 month old doesn't eat much chicken yet, haha).

From 5-10 they had a DJ there, playing music and leading more games. Most of the games were fun (all 7 of us won a mug or a mini cow by knowing a TV theme song! I was the only one who knew the Doogie Howser theme song, haha), but the music was mostly frustrating. Despite Chick Fil A being a very Christ centered organization, the music that the DJ played was NOT. In fact, he chose some of the dirtiest songs out there ( of course, there are plenty for him to choose from!).

In order to try and ignore the music, we spent most if the evening playing games and laughing together. It was too dark to read or draw, so we just had fun together and it was great!! At 11:30 they asked us all to be in our tents and we attempted to get some sleep. At this point, it was REALLY cold outside, so it was actually kinda nice to be squished in a tent with 3 other girls, the body heat was very helpful!



I think most of us did get some sleep that night, but not a lot. It started raining around 2 a.m. and our tent kept us dry; but it didn't keep everything dry, haha. As we were packing up in the morning we discovered several places where water had seeped in and soaked a few things. It was all okay, though, they are all washable.

Finally, at 5:30 a.m. they called us inside for our final line check. By 6 am we had our t-shirts, a Chick Fil A pen and our 52 free meal coupons! WE DID IT!!!

Unfortunately, it was still raining, so packing up was a bit of a challenge. Thankfully, Pastor Andy helped A TON! He took our very wet tent to the church and draped it there so it can dry (we were trying to figure out where in the world we were going to lay it out to dry in the house!). We were able to get everything else in my car and immediately into the laundry room when we got home. Then, Ashley got ready and went off to work while Lindsay and I cleaned things up, started the laundry and then took a nap. We were exhausted, and still really cold!!

I am still recovering from the lack of sleep, but I still say it was totally worth it. Now, we are looking for more openings to attend!

Don't Read This If You Are Offended By...

the word sucks. I know it's not the classiest word in the English language and I am honestly working to use it less and less in my life (my parents consider it a curse word). However, in this post, its the only word that fits.

Being single at 30, sucks.

When I was 20, it was awesome. At 25, I was able to rejoice with my friends as they married and a few even started having children all while still enjoying the freedoms that came with being single. At 30, the freedoms have turned into responsibilities and the loneliness and sense of unfulfilled dreams are starting to become overwhelming.

Now, I know many will accuse me of suffering from "The grass is always greener" syndrome, and you may be partially true. I don't know all the hardships of being married, or of having children. And I have enough married friends (many with kids) to know that its not all candy and rainbows. However, I DO know all the hardships of being single, and I don't think I would mind a new set of hardships, especially when those hardships do come with benefits. (Not that there aren't benefits of being single... I'll get to that...)

I get no reprieve from being single. Ever. While married couples can take time and go out with "the guys/girls", or find a babysitter for a couples' night, I can never take a day and just be married. Or borrow some kids and make them mine for a day. Okay, so technically I could date around and have moments of companionship, but if I am going to continue to follow the Lord... which I definitely plan to do... that isn't an option for me. I'm just not that kinda girl. That's not to say that I'm not tempted to be that kind of girl sometimes. The fact that no guy has been interested in me in over 8 years does help keep me on the right track, but even if I had them beating down my door (and they were somehow able to get past my dad and my brother, haha), I wouldn't settle for temporary relief. I do thank the Lord for doing that transforming work in my heart.

I have to rely of friends' husbands to do the things that I can't. While I am a very independent and capable woman, there are just things that I don't know how to do. Some big (fixing plumbing) and some small (hanging pictures on my wood paneling walls). Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful and SO blessed by the people in my life that help me so selflessly with the things that I can't do on my own. But, it would be nice to not have to rely on them all the time. They do have their own families.

I go home every night to an empty bed. I wake up every morning alone. I carry all the financial burdens of my life all by myself. In fact, I carry all my burdens by myself. That's not to say that I don't have incredibly wonderful and supportive friends, I do. I am beyond blessed by the incredible people in my life. But I don't have a partner. I just have me.

Want to know when the last time guy (who wasn't my dad or brother) told me I was beautiful? I would love to tell you, but I can't remember. Its been years. (Quick time out to thank you, Lord, for an AMAZING father and brother who not only tell me I'm beautiful, but actually believe it. That goes a LONG way to comfort a girl's heart).

I am never held, never hugged, never kissed, any and all sexual thoughts are sin. I've never heard the words "I Love You" spoken to me. (Family members excepted)

I have been a bridesmaid 12 times, and attended over 40 weddings. I have seen countless friends and family members glow on their wedding days. And I have honestly rejoiced with them. I have also wept for myself. Selfish, I know, but its true.

Of course I know there are benefits to being single. I have more time to pour into the teens and kids. I am almost always available to help out when needed, no matter the time or day. I am free to babysit whenever I am needed. And PLEASE don't get me wrong, I LOVE that. I am thankful for these opportunities, and I know that I benefit from them as well. But if I'm honest, I would trade in those benefits for the opportunity to experience the love of a husband and the blessing of children. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, but I have to be honest.

And that's one of the biggest differences between being single and being married; at least for me. I don't know anyone who would trade their husbands and children for the chance to be single. Not one. I would trade being single for a husband and children in a heart beat.

And honestly, being a Christian really doesn't help. I am constantly bombarded with the idea that my "highest calling" as a woman is to be a wife and a mother. I hear it OVER AND OVER again. And men are the leaders, of everything. But I don't have a husband to speak on my behalf, so my voice often goes unheard. Or ignored. Or even worse, dismissed.

Now, there is a "silver lining", if you will. I truly believe that I am accomplishing God's will for my life. While I have moments (okay, more than just moments) of feeling unworthy of being married, believing that I am unlovable and that's why I'm single; I know that isn't true (right?). Stronger than my desire to be a wife and mother is my desire to follow the Lord with all my heart. Would I trade my singleness for a husband and children? Absolutely. Would I choose a husband and family over God's will for my life? Not a chance.

For now, there is a deep longing in my heart that is unfulfilled. I am seeking the Lord a ton (another benefit, I do realize). I am trying to understand 1 Corinthians 7, and specifically what it means for my life. I have a long way to go. A LONG way, but I am seeking. And I trust that God will meet me in my anguish; He will turn my mourning into dancing and return beauty for my ashes. I am aware that my longing may always be unfulfilled. I may never get a full reprieve from the hurt until I get to heaven. I'm on my way to accepting that. God is SO good; always. He blesses me more than I ever deserve; always.

Still, at this point my heart still says that being single, a woman, and 30 years old just sucks.

An New Season

I feel like I am living a whole new life right now. Let me try and explain.

I don't have any kids living in my house. I have a nice home on a quiet block with no major repairs screaming to be fixed. I have a reliable car. I have one job. I get paid every month. I have a roommate that I love and have a blast living with. I am not trying to buy or sell a house. I have health and dental insurance and no outstanding health/dental bills. I have (some) money in a savings account. I even have a retirement account.

Who's life is this?!? In the 8 years I have lived in Philly, I have NEVER been able to say all the things I just typed. I've always had something crazy going on, usually more than one crazy thing! I barely recognize my life right now, its actually really weird for me (although please know that I am NOT complaining!).

Now, don't think that I just sit around and do nothing all day. ;) I am definitely keeping myself busy, but its just doing all new things! I have started a weekly prayer meeting with the teens, and its going great! The teens are really excited to pray, and we are already seeing answers to our prayers! At the last teen club of the summer, we had 19 teens. We started to pray together that God would bring more teens out to hear the good news of the Gospel, and this past Thursday we had 46 teens! It was amazing!

I have also been spending some time with Carisa working on developing a one on one tutoring program for kids that we are hoping to launch in January. We have actually been talking about this for years, and now that I have so much extra time, we are making it happen. I am SO excited!

Of course, there is also Kids Club (we had 80 kids at our first meeting of the fall!!), hanging out with kids on the block, discipling teens, planning for our church Harvest Party (on Halloween), my CASA work, etc. I am really loving all of it!

This "new life" is taking some time for me to adjust to. I wake up around 8 am each day and I have to convince myself that I don't have to get to work immediately, which is what I used to do. I am usually at church most weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, so starting work at 8 am would mean a 12-14 hour work day (which is again, what I am used to... but don't have to do anymore!). I do love it, but its still weird for me.

I have also been spending a lot of time in prayer for God's continued direction for my life, and taking some small steps as He leads. First, I am continuing the process of becoming a foster parent. I hit some snags over the summer as the agency I am working with went through some staff changes (basically I just had my case passed around a bit, so things were taking longer than they should have, but it didn't really bother me at all. We have continued to move forward and I am just trusting completely in the Lord's timing). I should be ready to have kids in my home by the first of the year, but I am not rushing anything at all. I am just taking each step as the Lord leads and praying for wisdom all along the way. I am asking the Lord to make it very clear when it is time for me to say yes to having more kids in my home. My heart has always been to provide a safe and loving home for children, for however long the Lord allows (an afternoon, a weekend, a month, a year...). But, I want it to be in HIS timing, not mine. So, I continue to pray and follow. :)

I am also almost finished with my application to Temple University's MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. This even surprised me! My roommate, Ashley, and I were talking about all the things I want to be able to do with my life, especially here in Philly, and she told me that it sounded like I needed to get my MSW (she has her MSW). I was intrigued, so I started asking questions. We talked a lot about what I would learn and how this education would be able to help me in my work with kids and teens. The more we talked, the more I saw exactly what God was calling me to do. So, I started looking into programs. I initially started looking at Christian schools, but there aren't any in Philadelphia that offer Masters in Social Work. Several offer counseling degrees, which I did consider. However, I don't JUST want to counsel (although that is a big part of it). I also want to be able to provide services for families as well as work on behalf of abused and neglected children. With an MSW, I can do all of those things (including counseling). With a counseling degree, I can only counsel.

Once I officially decided to go for social work, I started looking for MSW programs and Temple's stuck out to me immediately. They seem to offer everything that I am looking for, and since they are a state school, they are by far the least expensive. So, I decided to apply. I have already sent off for my transcripts from Tech and I have the 3 references that are required. In fact, my entire application is finished except for the 6 page essay I have to write (that's right, 6 pages!! I guess they want to see if we are serious about doing the school work, haha). I am hoping to finish that this weekend, so I will have everything turned in! The application deadline isn't until February (I want to start next fall), but Temple has rolling admission, so they will accept or reject you whenever you submit your application. Also, the earlier you are accepted, the better your chances are for receiving financial aid (its distributed when there is need, but on a first come, first serve basis). So, I want to get my application in as soon as possible. Its a 2 year program if you go full time, so I am hoping to complete it in 4... going part time and taking a few summer classes.

What exactly do I hope to do with this degree? The biggest thing on my heart that led me in this direction is that I want to be able to provide counseling to victims of sexual abuse. More than 80% of the young girls that I work with have faced some form of sexual abuse; including stranger rape, date rape, molestation by a family member, and on and on. In fact, I don't know a single girl who hasn't been attacked in some form or another (if not fully raped, they have literally all been inappropriately touched or attacked). Its a HUGE issue, and I want to be able to help. In fact, as a part of the MSW program, I will be required to do two internships. I am hoping to work more with CASA for one of them, and for the other I would like to intern at a Christian office that provides sexual abuse counseling.

I also want to be more effective in working on behalf of abused and neglected children. I want to learn warning signs, what to do when ______ (fill in the blank here, I see it all!), ways to help the children and the parents I work with, and what services are available that I can refer families to. Basically, there is SO much that I don't know, and I want to learn all that I can to be able to best serve kids and teens. I don't want to be equipped in every way possible to provide them the absolute best care I possibly can.

Crazy, right?? I NEVER thought I would be going back to school, and certainly not for social work (I have my undergrad degree in business management with minors in history and leadership, haha. I am all over the place!). I serve a CRAZY God! Of course, there is certainly NO guarantee that I will be accepted. I know I didn't have poor grades at Tech, but I wasn't a straight A student either (I honestly can't remember my final GPA, haha). So, we will just see what God has. If I am not accepted to Temple, I will go back to Him in prayer and see what He wants me to do next. Like I said, I am really not trying to rush anything, I am really working hard to seek Him for EVERY step.

Ashley is still laughing at me. Apparently, once I get something in my head, I just do it. I honestly didn't really realize this about myself, she says its true. I guess I can see it, haha. I mentioned moving out of our old house last summer, and withing 2 weeks, my house was on the market. I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, and a week later, I was registered and started training, and 4 months later I ran it. I decided to be a foster parent, and 3 days later I was at the orientation meeting. Ashley mentioned getting my MSW, and less than a month later, my application is almost in. Who knew?!?

I am loving all of it, though. I am so thankful for this time of (somewhat) rest that the Lord has me in, and and I am SO excited for where God is taking me. I am just praying that I don't get so focused on the future that I miss out on what He is doing day in and day out. I just want to be completely in tune with Him, taking steps when He calls me to, but ONLY when He wants me to. Apparently I am not so good at standing still, but I know He can give me the strength to do even that. :)

Sleep

Its been almost 5 months since I moved into my new house, and not once have I been kept up late because of loud music. Not once.

I climb into my really comfy bed (pillow top mattress and box spring set, that I got off of Craigslist; along with the bed frame, for $200!) every night, and I sleep through the night. Every night.

And I literally thank the Lord for it every night. :)