Brutally Honest

I have to admit, I am seriously questioning my call to be a missionary in Philadelphia. I know this seems like weird timing considering my post from last night, but this is not a new development. I have been really pondering this for a while, and in the past I have taken wonderful blessings like last night as a sign that I am in fact in the right place. However, I am now at the point where I wonder if blessings like last night are simply God choosing to glorify Himself despite my disobedience, rather than showing Himself through my obedience.

I have been serving as a full time, support raised missionary in Philadelphia for 5 years now, and I have yet to have a single year where I was able to raise enough money to live off of. When I worked for AIM, I received a decent salary, but ended up going into debt to AIM because of that and had to work part time for them for free during the first year I was on staff with Cornerstone in order to make up the difference. Since coming on staff with Cornerstone, I have been able to raise enough money each month to receive a paycheck, however that paycheck barely covers my expenses, and I don't live extravagantly (although I do have TiVo).

Today I went to get my paycheck (which we only receive once a month) only to discover that I can't get it until Sunday. Another month with bills paid late, fees accruing, and me wondering if there will ever come a day when I won't think about money every second of every minute of every day. I can't even imagine what that would look like...

I don't think anyone really understands (and how could they) how hard this semester has been for me. Lost friends, increased worries and responsibilities, and then the tragedy at Tech. It has not been a time of ups and downs, it seems like its just all been hard.

All of this has left me with the overwhelming need to prove myself as worthy to the people around me, including God. I am starting to feel like maybe He doesn't think I'm worthy to serve Him, and I need to prove myself to Him...and to others. I am working hard on myself, exercising, eating right, sleeping better...all of which seem really good, until I realized the motivation behind it was to prove to people that I am not who they think I am (because I believe that they think I am lazy, annoying and overall just don't want to be around me). I am spending more and more time reading, praying, and serving...which again seems good until I realized that the motivation behind that is to prove to God that I really am worth keeping here. Maybe if I can prove to Him that I am worthwhile, I will be able to get support and not have to worry so much. Ugh.

Today was the last day of after-school, and in some ways it was so great. A lot of my stress comes from running that program alone, and ending it has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. At the same time, its hard not to feel like a failure. I started that program. In fact, I came on staff for the sole purpose of making that program into something. 3 years later, its over for good. I can't even do what I came on staff to do...and I expect people to find me worth supporting? Ugh.

So, now I'm left with a lot of questions that I need Him to answer. I have heard many times before that leaving the ministry won't necessarily take away my money worries. Honestly, I beg to differ. I have no desire to live in a big house, or drive a nice car, or anything like that. I am, and would continue to be perfectly content to live the lifestyle I currently live, I really enjoy it. However, if I actually got a job that paid me, I could afford to live the life I live.

Really, I want the life I have now. So, if this really is God's will for me, I would LOVE to stick with it. I'm just starting to wonder if it really is His will. How am I supposed to know if I am in God's will and I just need to continue to push through, or if I am actually fighting God trying to tell me that my time here is finished? All signs seem to be pointing away from Philly...except my heart.

So Much Fun!!

Tonight I had one of the most fun nights that I have had in a long time. It was so refreshing!!

It was already planned for Bonita and Linda to spend the night, and at the last minute I decided to invite Monique and Natasha. They have had a lot going on in their family recently and seem to have been a little lost in the shuffle. So, I thought tonight would be a fun way to show them that they are very loved. Plus, they have been missing a lot of school, and this way I can make sure they go to school.

Another added bonus is that I have been wanting Linda and Monique to spend more time together. They are both such a good influence on one another. Linda has been hanging out with some girls that seem to be pulling her in the wrong direction, and I wanted to subtly steer her away from them. It seems to have worked...

All 4 girls had a BLAST tonight; going to grocery shopping with me, making cookies with Kirsten, eating dinner together, and overall laughing A LOT. In fact, Natasha has been laughing to the point of shrieking with joy pretty much all night. It has been SO MUCH FUN! Monique and Linda seem attached at the hip, which is so good for both girls. Linda needs a good friend, and Monique needs the love, and distraction. Bonita is, as usual, just content with whatever, and Natasha seems to really be enjoying the freedom to be silly. Man is that little girl silly!

I am really hoping to have more opportunities to do things like this, especially over the summer when they don't have to get up early and go to school. There are so many girls that really need to be loved! It makes me even more thankful to have Bonita and Linda...they are so loving and accepting of everyone, they love whoever I bring over! They do the ministry, I just provide the house. :)

Overwhelmed

That is the only word that can describe me right now. There is just SO much going on! I spent the weekend at Tech, dealing with a million emotions. It was amazing to see so many of my friends and catch up with them, but it was so bittersweet as we were all trying to heal from the events of last week. Then, while talking with one of my friends I discovered that he is having some serious kidney problems and will need a transplant in the next 6 months. This friend has been like a brother to me for years, and that news has been hard to take in.

I came back to Philly on Sunday to find out that this past weekend was one of the worst in Philadelphia this year. There were 8 murders and many more shootings and stabbings all over the city, including one that hit very close to home. One of the women in our church, who has 2 children, discovered that her "husband" (they are not technically married, but have been together for a long time) had been one of those murdered. So much pain and sickness.


I love what I do, but its not easy. My mom said today, "I know you love what you do, I'm just sorry you have to do it there". I actually understood what she meant. I love the kids, the teens, even the neighborhood. I hate the hatred, the pain and the darkness that I have to live in. Of course, I wouldn't need to be here if none of that existed.

On top of that, I continue to experience financial difficulties. My support is not up to the level it needs to be in order for me to raise my salary, but I am finding it hard to live on the salary I currently make. I was supposed to have a roommate coming this summer, which would help me with the bills and make things manageable, but she can't come anymore. I need the Lord to...do something.

Oh, and Linda has hit puberty...with a vengeance. She is getting in trouble in school and at church, and its very unlike her. She is very teachable and will get through this, but its a very challenging time right now.

After-school is ending this week, which will open up a lot of time in my schedule, which I desperately need right now. I have a million things going on (planning for the summer, packing and moving, keeping up with the kids, preparing for upcoming events, etc) and it will be so nice to hopefully have time to actually do things.

So far 2007 has been all about brokenness. Just as I begin to heal from one thing, something else happens...yet I am not fully healed from the first thing. I am constantly finding myself at the end of my rope, on my knees pleading for help. God never fails to show up in those times, and constantly blows me away with His love, mercy and faithfulness. I needed money for a house, and He provided. I needed a car, and He provided. I needed healing, and while I am not healed, He has never left my side as He slowly heals me. I have full confidence and faith that the Lord will continue to provide for my every need, He has promised me that.

Someone once told me that when the water goes over my head, I just need to breathe underwater. I was confused at first until I realized that I, in my own strength, could never breath under water. However, God has the power to do that. He could recede the waters, but then I would be able to breathe on my own. If the water stays high, then I will only be able to breathe by trusting in Him. So, right now, I am completely submerged...and breathing.



On a fun note, yesterday was Paxton's 5th birthday party and it was so fun! My kids and I were invited and the kids really enjoyed themselves, though they didn't get to spend much time with Paxton (they didn't find running around chasing balloons as exciting as a 5 year old does, haha). Here is a picture of me and Paxton at the party...can you guess what present I got him? Thankfully he was very excited about it! Paxton is always such a wonderful reminder of the goodness and Christ-likeness of children, and he reminds me why Jesus says that we should have faith like children. He is one of the few kids that I am around that hasn't been scarred by the world and holds on to the Christ in him. I really love that kid. :)

Memorial

I'm in Blacksburg

So, I'm in Blacksburg and its pretty surreal. There are buildings I don't recognize and people I definitely don't recognize...but its Virginia Tech. Its still the school that changed my life, that God used to make me into the woman of God that I am...and the school that I love so much. The school is hurting though. Everyone here is hurting.

Last night was really amazing as we got to attend Intervarsity's worship event. They joined with Cornerstone Christian Fellowship (the Asian Christian Fellowship on campus) as well as really anyone that wanted to come. Add to that the 20 or so Intervarstiy alumni that are here this weekend, and there were a lot of people. It was INCREDIBLE! We spent the night worshipping together, praying together, and lifting up the name of Christ. We heard speakers encourage us to allow God to heal us, and we felt the presence of God. I miss that community. I love my life so much, but I have never experienced community like that, except while I was at Tech.

"It sucks to mourn alone." That's what my friend Wade said when I asked him how he was doing, and I completely understood what he meant. Many people think that since we have already graduated and no longer live in Blacksburg (Wade and I no longer live in VA), then we weren't directly affected...but we were. We wore maroon and orange this week, not because it was "Hokie Hope Day", but because we had to. Even if we were the only ones, which we were, we still had to do it.

Few people have asked how I'm doing. Wade experienced the same thing. He couldn't take it anymore and came to Blacksburg on Wednesday. I spent the week trying to minister to others while hurting so deeply. I spent the week trying to explain to 10 year olds how God could allow something like that to happen...while I was asking Him the same question. I spent the week crying to my parents on the phone because they were the only ones that understood.

Wade and I talked about what it was like to watch the Convocation Ceremony on TV. We both watched it alone. Cried alone.

It feels so good to be here! People here understand. You look at someone and you know they are thinking and feeling the exact same things that you are. Neither one of you can put it into words, but you don't have to.

Maroon and Orange are incredibly healing. I walked around all week as the only one wearing maroon and orange, and felt so alone and lost. The minute I got here, I felt peace. I felt the community...people cared, and they understood.

It really does suck to mourn alone. This weekend, however, I don't have to.

My friend Wes (Wade's twin brother) is the Intervarsity staff worker here and has had the incredible job and trying to help the students heal, to see God in the midst of their pain and to trust in Him and not turn away in anger. He has been doing all of this while dealing with the pain himself. Wes went to Tech. He graduated the year after I did. His heart and passion is for this school, and for the students here to know Christ, and know Him intimately. Please pray for Wes. The first female victim's roommate is a part of Intervarsity...and she is in pain. Please pray for her.

Honestly, I could go on and on...so many hurting people that need prayer. I know most of the rest of the world has moved on. If this had happened at any other school, I probably would have moved on too. But, I can't move on. I need to be healed. And I am definitely not the only one. So, if you think about it, please pray. We are Virginia Tech...but we still need Christ.

Such a Blur

The past few days have been such a blur. I wake up in the morning and immediately turn on the news. I sit in my house alone all day watching the news, trying to get things done but constantly distracted. I call my parents 15 times a day because they are the only ones that seem to really understand.

I am sad. I am not depressed, nor do I feel a sense of hopelessness. But I am sad. I am not myself. I can't shake the sadness, and I don't really feel the need to. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for mourning. Right now, I am mourning.

I love Philly and I have no desire to move away. But right now, I want to be in Virginia. I walked out my door this morning wearing my orange Virginia Tech sweatshirt, and immediately felt weird. No one said anything, no one was rude...no one really cared. I longed to walk out the door and see orange and maroon, to be surrounded by people who understood what was going on inside of me. I know that's happening in Virginia, but not here. That makes sense, if there was a shooting at the Penn State you wouldn't find people wearing blue and white all over Virginia. Sure we would sympathize, but we wouldn't really understand. No one here really understands.

Life continues as normal for most of the country, including Philly. Life is not normal for me. Life has been turned upside down. This weekend was planned as my first visit back to Tech in almost 3 years. My friend Joy is going with me, an opportunity to share the best 4 years of my life with someone. A chance to show someone in Philly just why Tech is so important to me. It is still all of those things, but now it will be so much more.

I am sad. And I am changed forever. I will probably never be able to explain how, never be able to verbalize exactly what is different. There are over 200,000 Virginia Tech alumni, students, parents, faculty, and administration that understand exactly what I am saying. None of them are here, but that's okay. Like I said, I am not depressed or hopeless...just really sad.

And, very thankful for my family. I can call them as much as I want, talk as much or as little as I want and they understand. They are feeling everything that I am...whatever that is.

"We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on. We are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech ..."
-- Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet