I'm about to get Personal, and its gonna be long

Okay, this post is probably going to be pretty personal. So, if you would rather just read stuff about things going on in Philly, go ahead and skip this one. :)

Anyone reading my blog recently can tell that that the last few weeks have been crazy for me. Physically, spiritually and emotionally I have been on a roller coaster that has definitely been much more scary (and exhausting) than exciting. In fact, I could include my trip to Africa in that, so I would say that the last month and a half have been...I don't even know how to describe it...just a lot of a lot!

There is a trend in all of this, and its a new one for me. I have been through periods similar to this before, but this is the first time that God has made Himself so absolutely clear and almost visible in the midst of my struggles. Those of you who have heard some of my stories from Africa know that I had one of the most defining experiences of my life while there. (If you haven't heard the story, email me and ask me about it. It is a VERY personal experience and I want to share it, but only with people that really want to hear it). Since returning, my struggles seem to only be magnified, with the added struggles of feeling like a failure in ministry, as a friend, a mentor and role model...well, honestly just feeling like a failure.

My hearts cry before I left for Africa was, "Lord, does anybody see me?". While in Africa, I felt absolutely invisible to most of the world...but one night I heard God tell me that He sees me. I heard Him say that I am beautiful, that He is captivated by me. I heard Him say that I have an incredible beauty to offer, and He is glorified in my beauty. (No, I didn't audibly hear His voice, but I may as well have. This all relates to the experience I was talking about earlier...). In that moment, the one with me and the Lord, I didn't care that no one else saw me. It didn't matter to me because the King of Kings saw me, and was SO pleased. I felt like Ester must have when the king chose her, like the maiden in Song of Songs felt when king Solomon looked at her...like Eve must have felt when Adam saw her for the first time. I don't know if any man on earth will ever see me that way, but for that moment, I knew that's exactly how my Bridegroom in heaven sees me.

I wish I could say that I now wake up every morning feeling that same feeling, but I don't. In fact, it seems like my struggles have only magnified since that moment. It makes sense though. There is an enemy prowling around after me, and his desire is to destroy me. After having such a personal encounter with God, it only makes sense that the enemy would come after me with guns blazing. And oh man, he has! I find my self continuing to cry out, "Lord, does anybody see me? Am I worth anything to anyone? Is there really a beauty in me?"

Being a leader in God's Girls does not make this struggle any easier, haha. First, as much as the enemy doesn't want me to know how beautiful and loved I am, he REALLY doesn't want me telling anyone else that they are beautiful and loved. So, he comes after me even harder. Secondly, there are so many times that I just want to stop fighting him. I am tired of fighting and I just want to give in (I am NOT talking about wanting to stop living...but it just seems like it would be so much easier to just agree with the enemy rather than fight his lies). But, I can't. Beside the fact that agreeing with the enemy of the God I love logically could never be good...there are 30+ other reasons that I can't ever stop fighting him...that I can never agree with him and I have to keep following God, not matter how hard it is. The reasons are: Linda, Bonita, Lindsay, Kearstin, Kirsten, Zuly, Melissa, Laura, Briana, Kerri, Katelyn, Kaitlin, Sara, Jenny, Krista, Tina, Jamie, Destiny, Samantha, Jenna, Monique, Dominique, Catherine, Krista...the list goes on and on. I NEVER want them to face the battles that I face. I want them to always feel what I felt that night in Africa.

I don't want to focus on me or my struggles, and I want to give God the glory, because He is far more powerful than the enemy. He is also very creative, which I love. This weekend Travis' mom was visiting and I got to hang out with her for a while. She wouldn't stop thanking me for helping Travis when he was sick and kept calling me "Good Girl". Every time she saw me, that is how she referred to me. I didn't think much of it at first, it was just a sweet nickname that she had given me. Then last night came. I was leaving Travis and Frankie's house after hanging out with them for a while, and as I left Travis' mom said, "Good night good girl!". It made me smile, but that smile masked the struggles that have been plaguing me for so long. Yesterday was a day full of intense turmoil within my heart and I was asking God how in the world I could keep fighting. As I got in my car and turned it on, the first song on the God's Girls CD came on...and I started to cry. The song is called "Good Girl" and was actually the theme song for God's Girls this year. I knew immediately that the silly nickname that Travis' mom had given me was directly from the Lord. He again made His presence, and His truth clear and undeniable to me. I sat and listened to the song and cried and cried...and thanked God. Here are the lyrics (I highlighted the ones that really got to me):

Good Girl by Zoe Girl

You walk a narrow road
I know you face it on your own
But you've got the will inside
I can see it in your eyes

You're not about mini skirts
And silly reasons just to flirt

Cause you've got heaven on your side
And that's how you live your life

Hang on, good girl, you're not the only one
Be strong, good girl, when the pressure comes
When they try to bring you down
You'll be glad you stood your ground
So just hang on

You've seen a lot of things
You're the keeper of many dreams
You've got everything it takes
To stay strong, carry on

You're sick of childish games
You speak the truth and you say it straight
And when your dreams have been delayed
You've got the strength to wait
So keep on waiting

You're not sugar and spice and everything nice
You've got character and you paid the price
You're not after self-perfection
You're living out your redemption

What sets you apart from everyone else
Is that you know your Savior and you know Him well
What makes you different from all the rest
Is that you won't let it get to you

I'm honestly not sure why I'm sharing all of this, but I don't feel the need to hide it. I am not defeated...far from it. But I always want to be real, and most of all I always want to give God the glory for the things He is doing in my life, not just my ministry. He is absolutely so much more than I could ever comprehend. His love is not only never ending, but He will never cease to shower that love on us. He fights for me, He loves me like no one else ever could, He sees me for exactly who I am and that doesn't scare Him, it pleases Him! He will spend the rest of my time on earth pursuing and wooing me, and will spend all of eternity as my husband, because I am his CHOSEN bride.

Rethinking After-School...again...

I just got back from speaking to Linda's class about Africa and malaria, and I had SO much fun! Her class was wonderful and I am so impressed with them, and with her teacher. Her teacher has motivated her kids to care about people half way across the world that they may never meet. They asked me great questions, looked at my pictures and were just a joy to be around. Afterwards her teacher was telling me that her class is full of the kids that no other teacher wanted (Linda was put in the class because she transferred to the school after the year already started, not because other teachers didn't want her). I couldn't believe it! I have been in several classrooms in Philadelphia, and hers was by far the most impressive. They are currently working hard to raise money for mosquito nets to send to Africa to help prevent children from dying from malaria. They have already raised enough for 40 nets, and they aren't even half way finished!

Yesterday I spent a long time after Prayer Pals talking with Carisa and one of the parents of some of my after-school kids. Both of her kids have been in the after-school program since it started. One of them, "Kylie", has a lot of problems. She has ADHD and is in special education classes. She is one of the more challenging kids that we have in after-school, and she has a lot of problems at school. However, I had no idea the extent of the problems until last night. Carisa and I talked with her mom for a while and heard horrible stories about how the girl is treated at school. So horrible, in fact, that I would be tempted to not believe them...except that I have seen it with my own eyes with other kids at the same school. I have seen other kids that we work with treated horribly by the teachers at this school, and it makes me so sad. This school is where the majority of our pre-teens go, and many of them have a lot of problems at the school. My heart broke for this mom (who is a single working mom with 2 other children she is trying to raise) because I know she is trying so hard to do right by her children, and she is getting no help.

All of this has me thinking more and more about after-school, and my thoughts on the program for next year have changed. Let me review the things I have learned/seen in last few weeks for you:

1) "Kimberly's" (one of the girls who has been in the program from its beginning 3 years ago) entire family has started coming to Sunday School and Church every Sunday. Her 15 year old sister, who is struggling with addiction, is not only coming to church and God Squad, but is seeking help through Frank's new addiction/recovery ministry.

2) I have added 2 new girls ("Tali" and "Mona") to after-school, and they are already improving in their grades and attendance at school. These 2 girls lost their father to a heart attack earlier this year, and the program has helped them recover and motivated them to keep going.

3) "Kaylie's" mom has told me more than once that she feels like we are the only ones who actually care about her children and want to help her. "Kaylie" is a struggle at times, but has really grown through after-school, and her sister "Kris" is showing real signs of improvement in grades and behavior (although there is still a long way to go...but I have been here before with other kids).

4) Several of my teen tutors are struggling in school, which I would not know about if they weren't helping me out. I am now starting to tutor and motivate them to do better, and the kids are helping!

5) 4 year old Paxton comes and has a blast! He has friends in the program and is growing so much in his social interaction. We are reading the book "Prince Caspian" as a group, which is a book that should be over his head...however he constantly picks up on things going on and is often able to answer questions about the story! (I don't think he completely understands it, but he gets way more that I thought he would!).

6) Pedro's math grade has improved so much that he is on his way to honors math. He still struggles with reading, but I actually have a PBU student that comes and helps him one on one every Tuesday.

7) Bonita and Linda have slowly improved over the years. They went from needing summer school every year to never even having that possibility discussed. They have gone from threats of truancy court to good attendance awards every report period.

8) Miguel was Student of the Month in January!

9) Every kid who has been in after-school (except the ones that have moved away) has improved in their attendance, grades and behavior at school.

10) Though I have days of struggle and frustration, and I am often drained after leaving the program, I love the kids more that I could ever express. The days of struggle are easily outnumbered by the days full of joy and excitement at the opportunity I have to spend time with these wonderful children of the King. The bottom line is...its hard, but I love it! I lose sight of that sometimes and let the struggles overcome me, but the truth is, I really do love it.

None of these things happened overnight, and there is still a long way to go with a lot of the kids. Some have been in the program for 3 years, some only this year; yet I am seeing amazing fruit in all of their lives and it is spilling over into their families.

All of this has lead me to conclude that I want to fight for the after-school program. I am not going to fight in the world, however, I am going to fight in prayer. The Lord knows what I need and what I can handle...and I am not going to hold onto something that He is asking me to let go, but I'm not going to let go of something that He wants me to hold on to either. I need Him to make it VERY clear if its time to let go, because I'm not sure that's what He wants me to do. I really think that He is asking me to hold on...to persevere...and to trust Him to provide for my every need. So, I'm giving it all to Him. I am asking for His will to be done and for the strength and courage I need to follow Him.

I don't have to make any decisions any time soon, and I won't. I won't make any decisions until He makes His will clear to me. Please pray for me and with me in this. The number one thing that has made this program so difficult for me this year has been the fact that I am doing it alone. I am really praying for someone to come along side me in this. I don't know exactly what that looks like...if its someone who will come one day a week as a leader (not just a volunteer), if its someone who wants to take on after-school full time that will work with me completely side by side, or maybe its someone who will come along side the program as a partner in prayer and financially...who knows what God will provide.

I have been thinking about the parable of the persistent widow in Luke 18. The widow goes to an unjust judge and asks for justice. He denies her over and over again, but her persistence finally gets to him, and he gives her what she asked for. Jesus then reminds us that God is a just judge. So, if persistence and perseverance can convince an unjust judge, imagine what it can do with God! In Matthew 15 we see a woman, who is not an Israelite, asking Jesus to heal her daughter. His first response is that He has come for the "lost sheep of Israel" not her. He goes on to say, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs" (basically saying that His time and energy needs to be devoted to His people, not her). Her response is amazing! She says, "Yes, Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table." She basically comes back with, "I know I'm not worthy of the meal, I'm just asking for the crumbs...and I know that even just your crumbs will be enough". At that moment Jesus sees her faith and heals her daughter. He wasn't calling her a dog (although that's what it sounds like), He wanted to see where her faith really was. Did she really believe that He could heal her daughter? If so, then she would fight for it...she would take the crumbs and know they were enough. If her faith wasn't sincere, she would have walked away.

Her humility is amazing, and I want to learn from that. I know I don't have the biggest, greatest ministry...and it would be really easy to think that God should spend time blessing other ministries...other people. In fact, sometime I think I should spend my time in a more "effective" ministry. But, that isn't His heart at all. Every kid in after-school is His, and He loves them SO much. I believe He wants to do incredible things in their lives, and I am going to ask Him for those things. I am going to be persistent in it, knowing that He can do far more that I could ever even ask or imagine. I hope this makes sense. I feel like the woman who's daughter was sick. I am going to Jesus asking Him to help my ministry, and He has responded with, "And why should I help you?" He isn't asking because He doesn't want to help...He is asking because He wants me to remember where my faith is, who my faith is in, and why I'm even doing this in the first place. The widow wouldn't give up until the judge heard her. The woman who's daughter was sick had the faith to believe that the Jesus she heard about could heal her daughter, and she wouldn't take no for an answer. Their persistence showed their faith. The widow got justice and the woman's daughter was healed.

Lord, give me the faith and the perseverance. These kids need justice. They need to be healed.

Newsletter!

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Adjusting to America

I am having somewhat of a hard time adjusting to being back in Philly...back in America. I have been back for about 3 weeks now, and I still haven't fully adjusted. Why is it so hard for me to adjust? Well, in Africa for 3 weeks straight I wasn't busy. I had plenty of full days, and several of them wore me out. But, I was never busy. I never had to be anywhere at any time. I went places because I felt like I should go and did what I felt like God wanted me to do. I didn't do anything simply because I had to. Then, after a few full days in a row, I got a day of rest. My life in America is not like that.

Since coming back I have tried to stop being so busy. I have really been seeking to fill my days with only the things that God wants me to. I don't mind have a lot to do, but I don't want to be busy. The problem is, everyone around me is busy. I don't know a single person who isn't busy all the time. I have been back for 3 weeks and have hung out with friends 3 times. I have tried to find time with them many more times than that, but everyone is so busy.

Unfortunately, I'm busy too, and that's part of the problem. In Africa there was no coordinating of schedules, here that's all I do. I'm not trying to make a statement about which is better. I absolutely see the benefits of the way things work here...and I don't think that the lifestyle in Africa would work at all in America. I enjoy everything that I do and I don't want to cut any of it out.

I don't really think one way is better than the other, they are just different. When I worked for AIM we had a saying that we used to tell groups going into cross cultural situations. We used to tell them to look at the things that other cultures do differently from us and say, "Its not bad, just different". I really believe that is true. Of course neither is perfect, but one isn't more right than the other either. They are just different, but I am having a hard time adjusting to the differences.

I was only in Africa for 3 weeks and I am struggling to adjust to life in the US...and I was born and raised here! I can't imagine how difficult the adjustment must be for people moving here. When we were in Sudan we met several refugees who had left Sudan and moved to America. One of them was David, whom we actually spent a lot of time with. He told us that the hardest adjustment for him was the busyness of everyone around him. He was not used to people being too busy for friends, something that happens a lot in America, but very rarely in Africa. He said he struggled a lot with loneliness at first, getting used to being alone a lot and having to work to find time to be with friends. Now I understand (on a much smaller scale) how he felt.

But, David has adjusted, and so will I. :) On another, completely unrelated note, Linda is doing extremely well in her music class! They moved her up to the next level in both her voice and her trumpet class (she is with kids that have been taking lessons for years!) and even invited her to a summer music camp this summer! She is so excited, and I am so proud of her!!! Usually her mom doesn't allow her to go away unless I'm with her, but I'm hoping we can convince her to let Linda go to this camp. The instructor said that I would be allowed to come and visit her, so hopefully that will make her mom feel better. This is such an incredible opportunity for Linda!

Bonita is doing well in her music classes as well, but she isn't as into it as Linda. I think it's okay because Bonita did much better than Linda at ice skating. So, Linda has music and Bonita has skating. They are both doing well in ballet (which makes sense for both of them, seeing Linda's musical skills and Bonita's athletic skills) and are pretty equal in basketball too. So far they are doing really well encouraging one another, even when the other is doing better. I hope that continues!

I didn't do so well going to bed early last night, and I woke up feeling sick again this morning, so I'm still not on the track I want to be on. I have staff prayer tomorrow morning, so that will at least get me up early. Plus, I just remembered that I am supposed to speak to Linda's class on Thursday morning about Africa and malaria, so that will force me to get up and moving then as well. Hopefully that will start a trend for me. It seems like its taking me a while to make the changes that I need to make, so I am praying for the commitment and perseverance I need to get through this. I know He will provide!

She Came!!

A 15 year old girl that I have been praying would come to God Squad finally came tonight! I was so excited to see her! She has a lot going on in her life and is definitely testing the waters with Christianity, and I am praying SO hard for her. I will call her Carly; PLEASE PRAY FOR HER! I don't even know all that is going on in her life, but she is searching and I know that God is pursuing her hardcore! She seemed to have fun, although it was really hard to tell what she thought of the lesson and small group time. I really pray that she felt welcomed and loved...and that she would come back next week!

The last few days have been just as busy as the ones before it, but they have been really good. I did get plenty of time to relax on Saturday, which was so nice...and needed. Sunday turned out to be a much more full day than I thought it would be. Pedro and Miguel came to church on Sunday for the first time in a long time. Miguel actually called me at 7:30 in the morning to remind me to pick him up! (Sunday School doesn't start until 9:45). Sunday School went really well, and church was good too. After church I ended up taking 6 kids out to lunch, and had them with me until basketball started at 3. Basketball went until 5, and then I finally took all the kids home. I was pretty exhausted at that point, but only had a few minutes to grab something to eat before heading back to church for membership class. I wasn't too happy about having to go to the class during the Superbowl (did I mention that I really love football?!?), but the class was actually pretty fun. I got home at halftime and enjoyed watching the rest of the game. I also started my newsletter, finally, and I'm already almost finished!

Once I start something, I'm not very good at leaving it unfinished, so I ended up staying up pretty late last night working on my newsletter. I finally went to bed around 1:30 when I was at a good stopping point. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning with a pretty bad cold and it took me a while to get up and moving. My whole "go to bed early and get up early" thing isn't going too well, but I'm still working on it. I just have to learn to not start working on things when I get home late at night, because that keeps me up later and messes me up for the next day. I'll get it eventually. :)

I finally got going around 10 this morning and got a lot of work done. I left at 3 to pick the kids up and it was another great day at after-school!! I got to spend some good one on one time with several of the kids and again didn't have any major disciplinary problems to deal with. I'm still not making any decisions about next year (I will do that this summer when I'm not in the middle of everything), but I know its going to be a hard program for me to let go...and it doesn't help that its going so well right now. I know that God will show me His plan, though, and I will follow it no matter how difficult it may be.

My night ended at God Squad, which also went really well. I really love the teens and I enjoy being there. The small group times are always a challenge for me, mostly because I don't feel comfortable teaching. I can never tell what the girls are thinking and I always feel like I am not making any sense. My goal, however, is to always walk out of those times feeling like I spoke the truth and shared the love of Christ in my words and actions. I felt that way tonight when I left, so overall I think it went well.

Obviously, I am up late again, but I am about to go to bed. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow and we have Family Night tomorrow night. I really need God to teach me to make my schedule based on Him, and not myself or even what others expect. I have this mindset that if its daytime and I am up, I should be working. The problem with that is that I have a ministry every night of the week. So, if I work from the time I get up until I come home at night, I'm easily working 14 hours a day, 4 days a week. That's not good! I need to be okay with being up at 9 on a Thursday morning and taking that time to be with the Lord or go to the gym or something, knowing that After-school and Teen Club are coming...which accounts for 6 hours alone! I can start working at 2 p.m. on Thursday and still work for 8 hours. Since I now have a ministry every night, I need to learn to start my "work day" later, or take breaks in the middle of the day rather than feeling the pressure to be working all the time. Its going to take some time to change my mindset, but I know I need to. I don't want to burn out!

Busy Week

This week has been a blur of activity! I still haven't had much time to sit and process my trip to Africa, so I apologize to anyone who has been waiting for me to write more about that. Its coming, I promise!

Wednesday was a really rough day for me spiritually. It was pretty normal in terms of my schedule, but there was a lot going on around me that was challenging. I went to pick Pedro and Miguel up for after-school and found their street blocked off by the police. Apparently, just before Miguel came home from school there was a shooting right in front of their house. A man was shot 4 times and the blood was still on the sidewalk. My heart sank as I thought about what could have happened had Miguel been walking home from school when the shooting started. It sank even more when I realized that this event was not shocking to Pedro or Miguel, they were used to it. They have seen several shootings in their lives, and they are still so young.

Thursday ended up being the best day we have ever had at after-school! Philadelphia schools were closed on Friday, so none of the kids had homework on Thursday. Instead of trying to make them read or something, I decided to play games. Everyone started playing different games, but eventually all of us came together (one at a time, haha) and played pictionary for an hour and a half! Literally everyone, kids and leaders, played and we had so much fun! There weren't any fights or arguments, even when 2 of the kids were caught cheating. I was so proud of how they all behaved and handled the competition, and I can't remember the last time we all laughed like that (few of us could be considered artists...you should have seen some of the things we tried to draw!). I added 2 new girls to after-school, and Thursday was their first day. They were very quiet and shy at first, but once we all started to play they got into the game. It was a great way to make them part of the family!

I have started going to Teen Club on Thursday nights, and for the most part I am enjoying it. I have to confess that I miss my night off, but I know that God has called me to be a part of this. I really love the teens, but I'm also pretty shy. God Squad is much easier for me because there are fewer teens there and I already know most of them. Teen Club is proving to be more of a challenge for me, but I'm getting there.

Friday was supposed to be my day off, but they have a special on Fridays where you can ice skate for only $5. The girls have been begging me for months to take them ice skating, so I finally gave in yesterday. Zuly (their older sister) and little Kearstin came with us, and we met up with some of the teens from church. We had a blast! It was the first time any of those girls had been ice skating, but you wouldn't know it from the way Bonita was flying across the ice. It was amazing! Linda took a little longer to get comfortable, but by the end she was doing pretty well too. Zuly and I weren't so great at it, but we had fun trying. I was so impressed with how well Bonita and Linda were doing, I think I'm going to sign them up for lessons. They're going to pay half and I will pay half. I'm really excited to see how they do, they are definitely naturals at it. Now I have them in music classes, ballet lessons, basketball practice and ice skating lessons. These girls are going to be well rounded!

Last night was great too as I got to hang out with Joy for the first time in forever! We have been trying to for weeks, and finally found the time. We rented a chick flick, ordered pizza and just hung out. It was so nice and so much fun! And just FYI, we rented "The Lake House" and LOVED it! We had both heard it wasn't a good movie, but we thought it was great! (In case anyone was thinking about renting it...)

Since I didn't get a full day off yesterday, I'm taking the rest of today for me. I had worship practice this morning, and then I took the girls to ballet. I will pick them up soon and then come home to read and relax. My house is clean, my car is clean, and my bills are paid. So, unless something major arises, I plan on hanging out with Jesus and a book for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll even get some sleep tonight!