I'm Tired of Taking Care of Myself

See, I told you I would be back soon! :) Actually, I'm just procrastinating cleaning the basement; something I have become VERY good at in the last few days.

Okay, onto this post. The title is "I'm Tired of Taking Care of Myself", but I don't mean what you probably think I mean (if you even have any idea what I'm talking about right now, haha). I DO NOT mean that I want someone to come and take care of me. (Okay, sometimes I mean that...but I'm realizing that deep in my heart I don't really mean that...). What I really mean is, I'm tired of NOT letting God take care of me.

Let's see if I can get this to make sense...

For a long time now I have been frustrated. Its actually been annoying me that I have been so frustrated, because honestly this has been a pretty good year for me. Certainly ups and downs, but especially in light of all the the things I have been seeing God do in me, things I never thought possible, I couldn't believe that I was getting frustrated. But alas, I have been.

I've said it a million times, and its one of the biggest "Duh!" statements I will ever make, but ministry is hard. Flawed people being used by God to share His grace, love and mercy with other flawed people...it's not usually a very pretty sight. Amazing and God-glorifying, yes. Redeemed by Him to become beautiful, absolutely. But, in and of itself, ministry is ugly. And I get tired and frustrated with the ugly, sad to say, pretty easily. So, basically, that's where I have been. Frustrated with the ugliness of ministry...especially when it comes from the ugliness in me.

That frustration has led to a lot of temptation. I don't want to overstate this, but I also don't want to sugar coat it; I have been extremely tempted by the world. In the last year almost every single one of my close friends in Philly had gotten married, engaged or had a child. If they haven't done that, then they have embarked on something new and exciting in their career. Me, I've just been here. Jennifer's statement keeps ringing in my ears: "Everybody is getting married and starting a family...and look at Trish, still just here". Its no secret that marriage and family have always been a desire of my heart, but its never been the overwhelming struggle that it has recently become. And I can't remember ever being faced with the temptations that I have faced...or at least I can't ever remember them actually being tempting to me, especially not THIS tempting.

So, I went to the beach with my family in a place of being very discontent with my life, and wondering what, if anything, I should do about it. See, when I start to feel discontent, I usually assume that means that I need to change something. You can see that in my life over the last several months. I started eating better, exercising more, taking better care of my house, reorganizing my finances, etc. All of those things are good and have been a huge blessing to me, but they were not where the problem lies. So, despite those changes, and the wonderful things that came along with them, I have still been feeling discontent.

During my week at the beach with my parents, I read A LOT. In fact, I finished 6 books (all fiction, so they were fast reads) and started re-reading "Desiring God" by John Piper (easily one of my top 5 favorite books of all time). I also listened to several sermons (mostly from John Piper, I think he is an incredible preacher), and spent a lot of time just trying to listen to the Lord. Each chapter in "Desiring God" has enough for me to chew on for a month, so I haven't gotten very far, but one line stopped me dead in my tracks. He says; "Saving faith is the heartfelt conviction not only that Christ is reliable, but also that He is desirable".

That's is. That is my problem. I have never questioned whether or not God would take care of me. I questioned whether or not I would enjoy, and even be satisfied with how He takes care of me. He continues to blow me away with how much He loves and cares for me, but He rarely, if ever, does things the way I expect, or think I want Him to. That is the heart of my discontent.

This realization was a crushing blow. I'm still struggling with this. I am actually questioning in my mind, and my heart, if God is really what I desire. There is a lot of guilt that comes with that question. I guess in marriages people come to a place, at some point, where they question whether or not their spouse is really the one they desire. I am hoping that there is no problem with asking the question, as long as you reach an answer, and that answer is "Yes! You are the one I desire ABOVE ALL".

Once I realized that I have been wondering if I truly do desire Christ above all things, so many other struggles became so much clearer. If I don't desire Him, then the things He provides me will never be enough. I will always want more, and thus always be discontent. My ministry will suffer incredibly as I try and find my own solutions to problems. I will not be overflowing with the love of Christ, I will be seeking something else to fill the void. And if I'm not overflowing, they I can't pour into anyone else. During the sermon at Frank and Elizabeth's church on Sunday, the pastor made this statement: "Serving should be fueled from an existing SATISFACTION in the love of God that longs to be shared". I love that statement and I believe its true. However, that has not been my heart, it hasn't been my heart for a while now...

Before I go any further, I have to make it clear that I am in the middle of this struggle (or maybe even still at the beginning, I'm not sure). I have not come out on the other side (although I can honestly say that I have full confidence that I will and that my relationship with the Lord will be stronger because of it. I do believe, without a doubt, that He is reliable). So, there will be no nice clean ending to this post. This part of the story is still being written...

I did have a fleeting moment of panic when all of this came to light. If I have known God for 13 years; seen Him do incredible things, heard Him speak, felt His presence, experienced His love and mercy...and I still ask myself if He is desirable...what does that mean?? For a fleeting second I started to wonder if I was even saved. Thankfully, that thought left as quickly as it came (I can only assume that was the Lord casting out the lies of Satan), but I was still left with no answers.

Then I heard J preach a sermon a few weeks ago and he made this statement: "You can't define God by your own life experience. You HAVE to define Him by how He reveals Himself to you, in the scripture".

I have forgotten who God really is. Based on my own perceptions and life experiences I have made God into something He isn't. I have made Him undesirable.

This realization was another crushing blow to my heart, one that sent me to my knees and asking for forgiveness. And that's pretty much where I stand now. I need to know who He truly is, not who I have created Him to be. I'm not starting from scratch here, but I'm going back to the basics, and straight to the Word.

When I started my spinning class, I committed to a month. I did the same with running, and my finances. I'm now several months into all of those commitments, and they are all going GREAT! I have fallen in love with spinning, am starting to love running, and my finances are SLOWLY becoming less stressful. So, I'm going to continue with this theme, and spend the next month asking: Who Is He?

That's all I have for now. One big question, with endless answers. Interestingly, I'm usually all about the final destination. I start a project to see the results, I don't usually enjoy the process. I read a book because I want to know the end, the story is secondary to me (usually). I've said this before, but I believe this is the heart of why life is hard for me sometimes. I don't like the journey NEARLY as much as I enjoy getting to the destination. However, in life there is a time for everything. I believe at this point in my life, the journey is the destination.

(And I will now pat myself on the back for having just written the cheesiest line of any blog update so far in my life. Thank you, thank you).