Stick a Fork in Me...

I am done. In every way; spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally, I am done. I have known this feeling was coming and was just hoping to hold it off until Christmas when I would get to go home for a good amount of time, but alas, everything has caught up to me (with a vengeance), and its not pretty.

I have been feeling "off" for a few weeks now, knowing that stress and frustration were building but not really sure what to do about it. It all hit me last night, however, as I was driving home from a night at the symphony with Shera.

Shera and I had a blast together, enjoying the music (I LOVE the symphony!!) and then talking over coffee (tea for me) afterward. I was happy and enjoying myself. As I drove into Kensington, however, my demeanor immediately changed. I became angry and frustrated and realized that I hated it. For the first time, I hated going home.

Because I have been angry and frustrated; stressed and overwhelmed; I have just not cared about myself. I find myself not exercising, eating whatever and whenever I want and just not looking in the mirror because I just don't care. Stress alone will cause you to gain weight, add to that the fact that I am a stress eater, and you can kinda guess where I am right now.

You are probably thinking that working 2 jobs is what is causing me stress, but that's not it. It's Kensington. And I'm not the only one struggling (though I seem to be handling it the worst). On our staff we have a family who is dealing with cancer, another who is dealing with diabetes, a broken car AND a house infested with bed bugs, and another who is being slandered and gossipped about because they are unafraid to speak the truth in love even if it isn't popular.

For me, the list of struggles is long. Its disrespectful teens who blame me for their problems.

Its expectations of me that I can never live up to (expectations place on me by people I minster to) and then vocalized disappointment when I fail.

Its the mom of 2 kids that I love telling her children that I am the reason things are so bad in their house...and its them believing her.

Its the people talking about me behind my back, all the time.

Its the countless people with hard, unrepentant hearts.

Its pouring myself out and being mocked and slandered.

Its the neighbors playing loud music and cursing non-stop, and ignoring requests for that to stop.

Its people knowing that the only way to really get to me is to go after Bonita and Linda...and doing that. That kills me.

Its the fact that I can't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep; one that wasn't interrupted by cars, music, cursing, helicopters, dogs, etc.

Its always being on guard (if even just subconsciously) as I walk around my neighborhood.

Its people needing something from me, all the time.

Its watching parents ignore their kids, and not being able to do anything about it.

Its watching people I love and care about struggle and not being able to do anything about it.

Its...I should stop now. There are just a lot of things that make life hard right now.

There are some really great things going on as well, thank God! Despite all of the attacks on our staff, I feel like we are closer than ever. Not a single one of my many frustrations has anything to do with my coworkers.

Jen (my roommate) and I are getting along great!!

Bonita, Linda and I are doing great as well. They continue to blow me away.

GOD IS GOOD!!! I can honestly say that, I know it and believe it with all my heart. I have been learning a lot through this time, and I will definitely share more about that later. Right now, though, I'm just so completely done I don't think it would make sense. Rest assured, I still know that I serve an amazing, and LOVING King.

Oh, and I am leaving for North Carolina early Wednesday morning!! And I will get to see my brother, whom I haven't seen in a year!!! And we're having Thanksgiving dinner with my grandmother, who I haven't seen in over a year!! I'm SO EXCITED!! I plan to soak up every moment with them, and sleep a ton!!!