Discontent

Since coming to North Carolina, I have found myself struggling. A lot. I don't think its because I was in NC, or because I was with my parents; I'm pretty sure I have actually been struggling for a long time, I just haven't taken the time to really notice.

I find myself very discontent with how my life has turned out. I was laughing with my dad when I got off the plane that I never really notice how unusual my life is until I am away from my normalcy. And, that is partly true. However, I also have reminders everyday of how different my life really is.

Most of my co-workers are male or moms, I am neither...and most of the moms are homeschooling moms. Obviously, during the school year, that takes up a majority of their time; something I can not relate to at all. None of my close friends are single women in ministry. One of my closest friends is single, but works a regular job (which, believe it or not, is a huge difference) and another WAS a single woman in ministry, but has now been married for almost 2 years (to a man that I think is awesome, incidentally). The closest I have to someone who might understand my place in life is my roommate (who is awesome). She is 6 years younger than me and just starting in ministry. She is just now getting a glimpse of the shattered dreams I have faced during my life in ministry.

For a while now I have been trying to convince myself that I am happy with how my life has turned out. I should be happy, right? Is God's plan for my life, so who am I to complain? Well, as it turns out...I'm not so happy.

The question I have been asking myself over the last few days is, why am I not happy? I'm not naive enough to believe that marriage and kids would solve this problem for me. I do desire that in my life, and while sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen (all the while praying that it will!), I know that my discontent runs deeper.

While at Barnes and Noble the other day, I literally happened upon a book that is starting to answer my question for me. The "Christian Inspiration" section in Barnes and Noble is overwhelming, to say the least. All books that might even be slightly "Christian" are lumped together alphabetically by author. Topics are interspersed, and the section encompasses at least 4 or 5 double-sided shelves. (Incidentally, after reading countless titles and back covers of many Christian books, I can honestly understand why so many people run screaming from the church. I almost did from Barnes and Noble). So, finding what you are looking for is next to impossible, which was okay for me because I had no idea what I was looking for.

I LOVE stories, so I spent a good amount of time in the "Fiction" section. From there I decided to browse the rest of the books and see if any titles or authors jumped out at me (I have my favorites...CS Lewis, Frederich Buechner, John Piper, etc). It wasn't long before I got frustrated at the crap (excuse my language, but its the only appropriate word) that is being printed in the name of Jesus. Not all of it was crap, but it was pretty difficult to find Jesus in the midst of the crap. Anyway...

As I was about to leave the section, my hand landed on a book entitled "Lost Women of the Bible". Nothing about the title, or the picture on the cover really stood out to me, but I knew I needed to buy it. I didn't even read the back, I just added it to the other 2 books I had in my hand and headed toward the counter.

It wasn't until I got home that I even looked at the back, and again nothing really jumped out at me...except for this phrase: "This book gives hope to women whose lives don't fit the traditional mold". That is ME!! So, I started to read the book. Now here is another interesting part...I never read the introduction to books. Generally, I find it boring and information I don't care to know, so 9 times out of 10, I skip right to the first chapter. For some reason, this time I decided to read the introduction.

And there, I started to find answers...

The introduction is long, but it spoke to my heart in ways I can't even explain. I am going to type the whole thing in the post just under this one. This blog is about what's going on in my life and in my heart...this introduction is my heart. (I have bolded a few things that were especially poignant to me).