All or Nothing

I am very much an all or nothing kind of girl. If I'm into something, I am ALL in it. That may be why I don't really like dating (well, that and I don't see any biblical support for it). Dating is so in between. You can't get really invested in someone, but you have to be somewhat invested, and I just don't like to do that. I'm either all in, or I'm out.

I discovered this big time as I started running. I have been all in, and now I am tired. I'm learning to cut back...actually take a day or 2 off here and there so I can continue to enjoy running and not kill my body. Still, its very hard. I am constantly deciding whether to just quit, or run 2 miles. No in between...its sad.

This mentality has been a problem for me many times in my life, especially in ministry. You can't go "all in" all the time; you will burn out. But, I have to be involved; that's why I'm here. If I quit everything I couldn't be "all in" on, then I would just have to quit. Still, I tend to at least start out all in with everything. In fact, in those times of being completely in, I have found myself praying for some sort of illness so I can take time off without feeling guilty.

So, how in the world do I find the balance? Truth be told, I can tend toward the lazy side just as easily as I can tend toward to overworked. I don't think I know where the middle ground is. Most people who struggle with finding balance in their lives know what that balance looks like, they just don't know how to get there. I'm not even sure I know what that looks like.

My heart has been hugely burdened for Dario and Luis recently, a million times more than ever before. My heart actually aches for them. I have always loved them and prayed for them; but the burden I feel now is very new to me...and it makes me want to go all in. The fact that they are boys helps keep me from that, but not totally. I know I don't have the time and energy, or even the capability, to do what my head thinks I should...but I can't just do nothing.

The easy answer...and probably the one God is actually calling me to...is prayer. You can never go wrong with prayer. But, in my mind, prayer is something else to add to the balancing act. In my mind, prayer doesn't constitute "doing" something, so while I know I need to pray, I also feel like I need to do more. (Yes, my mind actually tells me that handing things over to God isn't enough!) So I need to find the time to pray and then "do" something; but not get too involved and overwhelmed. Ugh, I'm overwhelmed just reading that!!

I know the truth, I just don't walk in it. The truth is, prayer is actually "doing" the most important thing I could do. By praying I am allowing God to take complete control instead of me. Through prayer God may show me things that He is calling me to "do"; but those things are from Him. I don't have to plan or strategize, I just need to listen and obey. That is much easier, and actually calming...but pretty difficult for me.

So, my prayer request in this is two fold. First, PLEASE be praying for Dario and Luis. I really feel like they are both in a "spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" situation, and I can see the enemy playing on their flesh. I belive that God wants to do something amazing in both of them, and they need so much support and prayer!!

And along with that, please pray that I would just listen and obey. I don't want to stress or plan...I don't want to feel guilty or pressured. I want the peace that comes from KNOWING that God is loving and merciful and kind; and loves Dario and Luis more than I could ever imagine.

I want Jonah's faith. When God called Him to go to Ninevah and preach repentance, Jonah didn't want to go because he KNEW that the people of Ninevah would repent and follow God and he didn't want them to! (They were his enemies). I want that faith for Dario and Luis! I want to KNOW that God will turn their hearts toward Him. I want to say Jonah's words; "I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity".