Today was full of irony, and before I go on I must say I'm not sure I am a fan of irony. I learned a lot today, and have even more to ponder. Here is my day.
I woke up at 6 a.m., took a shower and then got the girls up and ready for school. I had to take them home at 7 because I had to be in Center City by 8 for my day of jury duty. I expected to be there until around 3:30 (unless I was chosen for a jury). From there I would run a few errands, go back home, head to Prayer Pals at 6, church prayer at 6:30, be home around 9 and spend the evening relaxing. While I wasn't really looking forward to jury duty, I was excited to not be working all day. I took a great book with me and my journal and set out for what I thought would be a pretty sweet day.
As I sat in the jury room waiting to be called to a panel I started to journal. I journaled about the unexpected things that happen in life. I have been thinking about that a lot recently. Nothing in my life is how I expected it to be. I don't really know what I expected, but this isn't it. I went through this several months ago as I searched to decide if it was time to leave Philly. Unexpected things happened and they caused me to question.
I started thinking about the unexpected again when Carisa stepped down. I came on staff only 2 years ago to lead an after-school program that no longer exists and to work along side a woman who is now stepping out of ministry; and I have to work an additional part time job in order to be able to do this. Not at all what I expected.
I had/have a lot of questions.
I wrote in my journal today: "In general I don't think we have a concept of the unexpected. We are often thrown of for a moment by an unexpected illness, phone call, etc. but we eventually (often quickly) go back to life as usual. Then there are the life altering unexpected things...a death in the family, a terminal illness, a job loss, etc. These are dramatic, but eventually even they become a part of the norm. Eventually the unexpected becomes old news.
That still leaves me with the question, though, What do you do with the unexpected? When something is unexpectedly harder than you thought it would be, how do you know when its time to back away or if its just a call to fight?
If you quit the things that are hard and things get easier, is that proof that you did the right thing? I mean, logic would say that if you don't do things that are hard, then life won't be hard. Is that okay?
If you follow what you think is God's call and things don't turn out how you expected, did you make a mistake?
What do you do with the unexpected?"
I wrote that and then just sat. I had no answer, and I knew I would probably never have a complete answer. This may be the question I ponder for the rest of my life.
Not long after I finished that entry I was called to be on a panel as a prospective juror. I spent about an hour on the panel before it was decided that I would not serve on the jury. (An interesting side note: the reason I could not serve on this jury was that the defendant lived right around the corner from me!! Crazy!). Anyway, it was about 11:30 and normally I would have had to sit in the jury room for another 4 hours and possibly be on another panel. However, today was a light day and they decided they didn't need us anymore, so they let us go home.
I was so excited!! Sometimes the unexpected can be good! An unexpected check in the mail, an unexpected phone call from a friend you miss...or an unexpected afternoon off. I was so pumped! I was going to eat lunch and hang out in Center City for the rest of the day, praising Him for the unexpected.
As soon as I stepped out of the courthouse, I turned on my cell phone (you can't have them in the courthouse) and saw a missed call and voice mail. I checked it and listened to a friend tell me that he was taking my friend Shera to the Emergency Room. She was having a lot of pain and needed help. I called quickly to see how she was and found out that he was going to have to leave her at the hospital, he was too busy to stay. He was going to pick her up later when she was finished, but she would spend the day alone in the Emergency Room.
Sometimes the unexpected is not good. I know I would never want to spend any time alone in the Emergency Room and I would never want any of my friends to either. I immediately got on the train, headed back to my house, got in my car and was at the hospital with her in about 45 minutes. I got there around 12:15, we got home at 8:30 p.m. It was a long, unexpected day.
I struggled throughout the day. I had plans and those plans were gone. I got over that pretty quickly. But then there were the things I was supposed to do for other people. My friend had to leave Shera because he was too busy. Should I have left and done my work as well? I had to get someone to cover Prayer Pals for me and I missed church prayer. Is that okay? Do you always have to go with the unexpected, or should you treat the unexpected as temporary inconveniences and get back to what you had expected? How do you know what to do?
I don't regret how I spent my day, but I'm not sure that means I did what I was supposed to. I am not a person that believes in the end justifying the means. I was able to keep Shera calm, take care of her and help her through some painful and scary tests, all the while wondering if the doctor was going to come in and tell her something devastating. I am grateful to have been able to be there for her. I absolutely would not have wanted to be anywhere else...but does that mean that I was in the right place?
As you can see, my mind has been swimming with questions all day. Questions with no easy answer. The answer, of course, is probably "depends". What do you do with the unexpected? "Ask God". That is SO much easier said that done. It is very easy to convince ourselves that we are hearing God when we are really following our own desires. Sometimes our desires match up with His, but not always. How do you know the difference?
I don't have an answer to that question, although I am working on it. I do know that God has a plan and a will and He wants to share that with me. His word says that His desire for us is that we not be swayed by the changing winds but that we would stay firm in the faith He has given us. In other words, He does not want our lives to be governed by the things of life, whether they are expected or unexpected; He wants us to follow Him. He promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him. I sought Him back in May when unexpected circumstances led me to question my call to Philly. I found Him. I heard Him say stay. Since then, unexpected things have happened that could easily cause me to once again question my call to Philly. They have not, however, because I have heard Him tell me to stay. I will stay. The circumstances, good or bad, do not decide my life for me, He does.
What I have realized is that I find it hardest to follow Him when it comes to other people. I worried all day about the choice I had made not because I thought God wanted me to do something else but because I knew other people wanted me to do something else. I am a people pleaser in every way. I HATE letting people down and I work very hard (sometimes too hard) to make sure that I don't let people down. And when I do, I am devastated. This isn't completely a bad thing as it helps keep me accountable to my brothers and sisters. However, it also enslaves me to them (although they don't realize it). I make so many decisions based on what is going to be best for others rather than what I think God has called me to. Its kinda like the story of Mary and Martha...only at least Martha was busying herself to serve Jesus (not realizing that He just wanted to spend time with her); I'm busying myself to serve people. I don't even get it as much as Martha did...and she missed the mark!!
So, what do I do with the unexpected? Right now the only answer I have is...don't let the unexpected control you...allow God to use it to mold you.
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