Thanksgiving...and then a rant :)

This has been somewhat of a whirlwind on a holiday for me, with lots of traveling and I'm not quite finished yet. Still, the traveling so far has definitely been worth it and I have been so blessed to get to spend time with family members that I rarely see.

I arrived in North Carolina on Wednesday morning at 7 a.m. My parents picked me up at the airport and we immediately began the drive to South Boston, VA to spend the day with my brother and his fiance. My flight required me to be at the airport at 4 a.m., so I decided to just stay up all night the night before rather than risk oversleeping. This would have been a great plan were I able to rest as soon as I arrived in VA. Unfortunately, the hotel didn't allow us to check in until 2 p.m. so I was basically the walking dead for a few hours.

It actually wasn't too bad for the most part. In South Boston we got to check out my brother's personal training studio (that he OWNS!). That was sweet! He actually just moved to a bigger place because his business is going so well. To say that I am proud of him doesn't even begin to cut it.

After visiting his place, my parents and I went around and visited friends of my dad (he was the chief of police in South Boston before moving to Washington, NC). Finally, at 2 we were able to check into the hotel and I promptly went to sleep. My parents apparently went to dinner with my brother and his fiance (Suzanne), but I slept through all of it. Whoops! Its okay, though, because we spent all of Thursday together.

Thursday morning we all got up and drove to Roanoke, VA...about 3 or so hours away. There we went to my grandma's house and met up with my dad's 2 brothers for Thanksgiving. I can't remember the last time we were all together, its been years. We had SO MUCH FUN!! My grandma spends most of her time taking care of her mom (who is 96 years old), so we decided to take care of the food this year instead of asking her to cook. Unfortunately, since both of my dad's brothers are single that meant we didn't exactly get a home cooked meal. :) It didn't matter though, we all had so much fun together the company was most definitely worth it.

My dad and his brothers are all VERY different from one another, but are hilarious when they are all together. I loved hearing stories of all the trouble they got into as kids and really enjoyed hearing how my grandfather reacted to them (he passed away when I was 12). We have already made tentative plans to get together again at Christmas. I'm pretty sure this will be the first time we have all spent Thanksgiving AND Christmas together. I'm sure that this has something to do with the uncertainty surrounding my dad's cancer, but I'm just going to go with it. I really enjoy my family.


(My baby brother and his fiance, Suzanne. He's even bigger than he looks in this picture!)

(My dad...the one on the left...and his two brothers, Steve and Eddie. I have never known siblings to be more different, but I love them all!)

(This is the whole family. I am the only girl in this picture actually *born* into the family! I do have a cousin that isn't in the picture...a boy. Reed's don't have girls...except me!)

It had been over a year since I had seen my brother, so it was especially nice to spend time with him. We laugh a lot together and despite being very different in many ways, still have a blast when we are together. Hopefully by next Thanksgiving, he and his fiance will be married!

After many hours of laughter we decided to part ways and all headed home. My brother and Suzanne headed back to South Boston while my parents and I headed back to NC. It was a long drive (about 5 hours!), but we made it and were exhausted. The time change doesn't help either. Its so dark at 6 p.m. that you feel like its midnight! Anyway, the arrival in NC began my days of sleeping, eating and more sleeping.

And, that's basically what I have been doing for the past few days! I did get up early on Friday to do some Black Friday shopping, but didn't have to leave the house at all! In my research beforehand for the best deals I found that everything I was looking to buy was on sale on line with free shipping! So, I got up early, spend some time on the computer, bought everything I needed and then went back to sleep. It was great!!

Today I did venture out into the world, taking my usual trip to Greenville, NC. I usually spend the day there reading a book in Barnes and Noble and sipping on some Starbucks. (Greenville is the closest "city", Washington is a small town to say the least). This time, however, I went to a movie (by myself, which is such a fun experience!) and then spent some time in Barnes and Noble. Oh, and I usually have lunch at Sonic since I rarely get to eat there in Philly (the closet one is about 20 minutes away).

Now I am at my parents' house, packing to head to Georgia tomorrow for an AIM conference. I'm not too excited about it, although that has nothing to do with AIM. I'm still not in a very good place mentally, spiritually or emotionally, so being around people that I merely work with but know next to nothing about me or my life (and 97% of whom are men) is not exactly what I'm looking for right now. But, I do enjoy the people that I work with, and I enjoy my job, so hopefully this won't be nearly as bad as I think it will be. :)

I think I am definitely walking a fine line toward all out depression. Not wanting to get out of bed, not really caring about anything. That's kinda where I am. What it really boils down to is, I'm trying to reconcile my faith with the reality of my life. I know that's a very generic and I will give you more as I work it all out, but for now that's really the only explanation I have.

In some ways I am being shaken to the core of who I am, but what I am discovering is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, redeemed. That I know for sure.

Here are some other random thoughts spinning in my head.

The realities of what it really means to live among the poor and oppressed in America are NOT discussed by Shane Claiborne. Living in Philly, on Potter Street nonetheless, has somehow connected me to this man yet I find no comfort, solace or camaraderie in his words. Does he really live in the same city I do?

What do I do with the mom that refuses to take care of her kids, yet also refuses to let me or anyone else help?

What do I do with the addict that is taken into people's homes and cared for yet continually chooses the street?

What do I do with the teens who have heard and KNOW the truth, but choose to turn away?

I do the only thing I know how to do, I turn to God, to the cross and I cry out. I find hope in the words of my Savior. I find emptiness in the words of Shane Claiborne, and Rob Bell and so many others...yet my generation is turning to them instead of Jesus.

How do I live in a nation that allows and defends the practice of murdering babies by the millions, and not speak out?

How do I watch children grow up with no knowledge or understanding of the truth of God and His plans for His people, and not teach them?

That's what I am being asked to do by so many "authentic" Christians. Don't speak about Jesus, be Jesus.

How can I be Jesus, yet be silent?

And the truth is, I don't know how to be Jesus!!!! How do you show the compassion of the man who let the woman caught in adultery go, but also the passion of the man who overturned tables in the temple? If Jesus came NOT to bring peace, but to bring a sword, what does that mean for me??

I am struggling because I can't keep quiet. I am struggling because I am not okay with teens turning away, with moms abandoning their kids, with my country ignoring its God. I'm not okay with it...

But I don't know what to do about it.

Its easy to write a book on theology and even use some experiences to make your point. But living out a life of surrender? That is HARD. And UGLY. And LONELY. At least, that's how it feels right now.

And it goes so much deeper than not watching TV or making your own clothes. Living a life of surrender means that you are literally NOTHING, and you know it. And you rejoice in that. Because you get that He is EVERYTHING. Even when the world is at its ugliest, when YOU are at your ugliest, you still understand that He is what its all about. Not the kids, not the teens, not you...HIM.

I still don't really understand what all of that means. What I do know, however, is that I want to know more. More about Him. Because honestly, I can resist the revolution...but I can't seem to resist Him (and believe me, I have tried!).

I love Bonita

I had a really fun conversation with Bonita on Sunday that totally brightened my day (week, month, year). Linda didn't come to church, so it was just me and Bonita for the day, and we had so much fun! Bonita is going through a hard time right now. One of her closest friends has turned on her and is being really mean to her. She doesn't understand it and it really hurts. So, it was nice to be able to spend some time with her, talk to her about things that were going on, and of course just have fun.

Bonita is a talker...she really loves to talk (she is like me in so many ways!). This can be a problem when Linda is around because she constantly interrupts Linda, causing Linda to get mad and then forget what she was saying. Its actually a pretty comical scene, as well as a pretty common one. On Sunday, however, without anyone else around, Bonita was free to share what she wanted whenever she wanted to. It was really nice.

She was honest about things in her life, how she feels about her father and not getting to see him much, and even how hard it is for her to be 12 (not quite a teen, but starting to feel all the emotions of teenagers. It really is a hard age for everyone).

So, during our day together, Bonita struck up an interesting conversation out of the blue. Here is how it went:

Bonita: "Trish, when bad things happen, do you ever get really mad at Adam and Eve?"

Trish: "What do you mean?"

Bonita: "Sometimes when I am struggling or I see a lot of sin, I get so mad at Adam and Eve. I just wish they never sinned."

Trish: "Haha, I see what you mean. Adam and Eve might have been the first to sin, but they certainly weren't the last."

Bonita: "That's true. We all mess up. After I get mad at Adam and Eve it makes me think about Jesus and how amazing it is that He died on the cross just because I mess up all the time"

Trish: "That is pretty incredible, isn't it"

Bonita: "It just makes me love Him so much!"

All I could do is smile at that point...and try not to cry (I'm a crier, haha).

The next day she called me asking for advice on how to handle the friend that is being mean to her and I started to see some real maturity. I told her that too, she could really use some encouragement in the midst of what is going on for her.

I am so proud of her.

Stick a Fork in Me...

I am done. In every way; spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally, I am done. I have known this feeling was coming and was just hoping to hold it off until Christmas when I would get to go home for a good amount of time, but alas, everything has caught up to me (with a vengeance), and its not pretty.

I have been feeling "off" for a few weeks now, knowing that stress and frustration were building but not really sure what to do about it. It all hit me last night, however, as I was driving home from a night at the symphony with Shera.

Shera and I had a blast together, enjoying the music (I LOVE the symphony!!) and then talking over coffee (tea for me) afterward. I was happy and enjoying myself. As I drove into Kensington, however, my demeanor immediately changed. I became angry and frustrated and realized that I hated it. For the first time, I hated going home.

Because I have been angry and frustrated; stressed and overwhelmed; I have just not cared about myself. I find myself not exercising, eating whatever and whenever I want and just not looking in the mirror because I just don't care. Stress alone will cause you to gain weight, add to that the fact that I am a stress eater, and you can kinda guess where I am right now.

You are probably thinking that working 2 jobs is what is causing me stress, but that's not it. It's Kensington. And I'm not the only one struggling (though I seem to be handling it the worst). On our staff we have a family who is dealing with cancer, another who is dealing with diabetes, a broken car AND a house infested with bed bugs, and another who is being slandered and gossipped about because they are unafraid to speak the truth in love even if it isn't popular.

For me, the list of struggles is long. Its disrespectful teens who blame me for their problems.

Its expectations of me that I can never live up to (expectations place on me by people I minster to) and then vocalized disappointment when I fail.

Its the mom of 2 kids that I love telling her children that I am the reason things are so bad in their house...and its them believing her.

Its the people talking about me behind my back, all the time.

Its the countless people with hard, unrepentant hearts.

Its pouring myself out and being mocked and slandered.

Its the neighbors playing loud music and cursing non-stop, and ignoring requests for that to stop.

Its people knowing that the only way to really get to me is to go after Bonita and Linda...and doing that. That kills me.

Its the fact that I can't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep; one that wasn't interrupted by cars, music, cursing, helicopters, dogs, etc.

Its always being on guard (if even just subconsciously) as I walk around my neighborhood.

Its people needing something from me, all the time.

Its watching parents ignore their kids, and not being able to do anything about it.

Its watching people I love and care about struggle and not being able to do anything about it.

Its...I should stop now. There are just a lot of things that make life hard right now.

There are some really great things going on as well, thank God! Despite all of the attacks on our staff, I feel like we are closer than ever. Not a single one of my many frustrations has anything to do with my coworkers.

Jen (my roommate) and I are getting along great!!

Bonita, Linda and I are doing great as well. They continue to blow me away.

GOD IS GOOD!!! I can honestly say that, I know it and believe it with all my heart. I have been learning a lot through this time, and I will definitely share more about that later. Right now, though, I'm just so completely done I don't think it would make sense. Rest assured, I still know that I serve an amazing, and LOVING King.

Oh, and I am leaving for North Carolina early Wednesday morning!! And I will get to see my brother, whom I haven't seen in a year!!! And we're having Thanksgiving dinner with my grandmother, who I haven't seen in over a year!! I'm SO EXCITED!! I plan to soak up every moment with them, and sleep a ton!!!

On My Way Home

My house is located less than one block from Kensington Ave. In fact, my "backyard" is the back of buildings that line Kensington Ave. So, in order for me to get to my house, 9 times out of 10 I have to drive down Kensington Ave.

This means that almost every night as I drive home I have to pass the adult video store with the neon arrow pointing to the front door. Along the way I watch as a cars pull over to the side of the road and young women get in those cars. I'm not exaggerating. I see it all the time. I pass police patting people down and men pushing shopping carts that hold their entire lives. I see cars dropping women off on the side of the road, looking vacant and numb. Every night as I drive home.

After I turn off of Kensington, I have to circle around McPherson Square Park. Its more commonly known name is "Needle Park". As I drive around I pass kids playing football while the guy sitting on the park bench behind them falls asleep in a drunken stupor. I see dogs being walked, and needles being tossed. Trust me when I tell you that the park lives up to its name.

Once I make my way around the park, I get out of my car and walk toward my house. To get there I must pass through an empty lot full of trash. I pass guys standing on the corner waiting for their customers. Kids play in the street, shouting curse words at one another as if they learned them from Dora the Explorer.

I open my door, say good bye to my neighbors (all of whom said hello to me as I walked by) and close it again. The sounds of the street; loud music, yelling, cursing, kids crying and dogs barking, can not be avoided and often fill the rooms of my house. Still, in my home I find peace and sanctuary. I thank God for it because I am desperate for it.

This scene plays out in my life day in and day out. And that's just my trip home. My days are filled with hurting kids, hurting teens, and angry adults.

No president can change my neighborhood, only Christ can. I honestly don't know how people can survive in this place without Christ. I have Him and sometimes I'm just barely hanging on.

In Another Man's Arms

Okay, this post has been brewing around in my head for months now and I just haven't had a lot of time to really dig into it more. So, there may be a continuation of this later, but I needed to get it out and at least let my mind start to explore.

When I was home visiting my parents back in September I read several books. In fact, that's my favorite thing to do when I have time off. Recently I have been reading and enjoying a lot of fiction novels. As I was reading one night, one sentence in a book really struck me. The narrator is walking us through the story of a woman named Elle. At the end of what was supposed to be her wedding day, the narrator says that Elle, "danced on her wedding night in another man's arms.".

The plot of the story was a woman who had her engagement broken a few weeks before the wedding, and her struggle to recover from that sorrow and trust God and herself again. It wasn't the plot that I related to. But that line; I felt that line.

See, one of the things that I long for as a single woman is the ability to dance in some one's arms. I'm not a huge physical touch person, but I do desire the peace and security that can be found in some one's arms. To be able to rest even for a moment...

Of course, because I am very strict with myself when it comes to relationships with the male gender, there is no dancing in any one's arms until I am married. At least, not in any intimate way. So, while I desperately desire to rest in some one's arms, I will not settle for just any arms, they must be attached to the man who has promised his life to me.

What I am realizing, though, is that this doesn't mean that I don't seek that security and rest from other things. The battle that goes on in my head is ridiculous. For me, that "other man" appears in very different forms. Sometime its all out anger and frustration with God for withholding this blessing from me. Other times its simply turning to food or television for comfort. Sometimes its simply sleeping so I don't have to face the world. My sad list goes on and one.

There is a God in heaven with His arms desperately reaching for me, wanting to wrap me up so tight that the only sound I hear is the beating of His heart. A God who left this earth to prepare a place for me in heaven so I can be with Him forever; because His greatest desire is to be with me. That God is wooing and pursuing me every moment of every day. He wants to share my joy and heal my pain. He is passionately in love with my heart.

Instead of resting my head on His shoulders and finding comfort in His embrace; too often I find myself spending my wedding night dancing in another man's arms.

We Revolved!

And once again I wait a ridiculous amount of time to post on my blog and I now have way too much to write. Will I ever learn? Let's hope so!

This has been an extremely busy week (as you can see by my lack of posts) and I have a million things running around in my head. I honestly feel like I hardly have time to breath, and I'm not really enjoying it. Its just that time of year, though, so I need to push through...and I will.

I really have a lot to share with you all, and I REALLY want to (honestly, more for me than for you, sorry. I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to really talk to anyone about things that are on my mind and my heart...which means you guys will get it soon! Be afraid...be very afraid...). Anyway, unfortunately its getting late and I don't have time to write everything I want (need) to. I do, however, have time to tell you about the Revolve Tour that several teens, leaders and I attended this weekend. (Okay, so I know there are other things I could talk about, but Carisa requested a Revolve post, and well I just can't say no to her!). :)

Revolve is a 2 day concert/event specifically seared toward teenage girls; challenging and encouraging them in their faith. Its basically Women of Faith for teen girls. Imagine 10,000 teenage girls in one auditorium. Scary? You have no idea...

We attend Revolve every year, usually making it a fun get together for our God's Girls, past and present. This was our 3rd year attending, and honestly I went into it with some reservations.

First, in the past 2 years there has been a lot of focus on having the right look. All of the speakers and singers on stage were dressed in the latest fashions with their hair and make up perfectly done. And other than Natalie Grant last year (who had just given birth to twins), not a single girl appeared to be larger than a size 4. This didn't seem to fit with all the talk about God loving you exactly how you are and finding your true identity in God, not the world. Many of the women on stage seemed to be conforming to the world.

There also seemed to be a big focus on relationships. I will never forget Tammy Trent's testimony at Revolve the first year, it spoke to my heart in a way few things ever have. I also remember Jenna Lucado's talk last year about fathers and the Father's heart for His daughters. Unfortunately, those talks were exceptions rather than the rule. Well, the lone guy speaker, Chad Eastham, is always memorable, funny and speaks truth. Still, the rest of the talks always seemed to follow this formula; "I was born, I went through some rough stuff, I accepted Christ, I met my husband and we are living happily ever after". I really felt like we were setting our girls up for some serious disappointment with that one.

And finally; I REALLY don't want to downplay the pain and struggle that women face when they struggle with anorexia or bulimia...but if one more skinny girl talks to me about her food struggles, I think I might scream.

So, I went into the Revolve not expecting much and actually pretty convinced that it would be our last year. Praise the Lord I was pleasantly surprised!!!

First, I couldn't even tell you which of the women were wearing makeup and which weren't. Some wore their hair in a pony tail, some down. They looked nice, but not overdone. It was as if they had gotten themselves ready instead of having a makeup artist do it. It was such a wonderful difference! They were all dressed nicely, but not necessarily in the latest fashions. I could actually believe that their outfits came out of their own closets instead of a wardrobe room.

Second, several of the speakers were single!! In fact, I only know that because they weren't wearing rings...there wasn't even one talk that involved relationships or "living happily ever after". The talks were all about the heart. God's incredible love and desire for your heart!!

Chad did talk about boys (that's kind of his role on the tour), but he did it in a way that spoke to the heart of each girl, not just her actions. He's always been good at that and this year was no different.

And this year no one talked about their eating disorder!! There were references to that being a possible struggle for the girls, but the focus was on God, not the struggle.

Of course, me being the horribly opinionated person that I am, I still didn't think it was perfect. The cost of everything boggles my mind. I question how all the commercialization of the event is honoring to God. I don't understand how an event that is focused on trying to get girls to see God before boys can have faint inducing boy bands perform. There are entirely too many pop culture references, and almost none of them relate to our girls. The event is very focused on suburban teens, although not so much that our girls don't love it.

All that aside, though, I think this was the best year yet.

Another thing that made this year so much fun was having so many former God's Girls there that are now teens. It was almost like a reunion with them. Revolve is designed for teen girls, but since Carisa and I lead the pre-teen girls Sunday School class we usually focus on the preteens that go. This year, though, I came to a revelation. For the most part, Revolve is over the heads of our preteens, but our teens are really starting to listen. It was really exciting to watch the teens tune in, and even more exciting to hear their thoughts on things afterwards. Several of them really felt like things that were spoken went straight to their heart.

The preteens were a different story. They spent about as much time in the bathroom during the talks as they spent in their seats. They did have fun, though, so it wasn't a total waste. Still, it was more than just fun for a lot of our teens, which is so exciting.

Realizing this led me to go ahead and decide to buy tickets for next year (you get the best price if you buy them at the tour). While Revolve isn't perfect, it does a pretty good job of reinforcing the things we teach the girls at God's Girls. So, if nothing else, its an amazing reminder that what we taught them wasn't just for the year or two that they were God's Girls, we are talking about their whole lives.

It's also really good for the girls to be in a place with 10,000 other girls who want to live their lives for Christ. In our neighborhood, these girls are often the only ones in their family/school/block trying to live for Christ. At Revolve, for once, they don't feel so alone, weird or out casted. Its a really great encouragement for them.

Revolve was a bigger deal for me this year because of Linda and Bonita. Linda is growing up (big time!) and is already being faced with a lot of choices that I have no control over. She literally has countless boys chasing after her and choosing to follow Christ is becoming harder and harder. I am SO thankful for the friends she has chosen at church, but she still is the one making the choices. I saw her listening and really paying attention this year at Revolve. There was a lot said in talks, in the dramas and even in the lyrics of many of the songs that I am praying will resonate in her mind as she faces challenges I can't even begin to understand. And Bonita; she is coming up right behind Linda. She isn't quite as physically developed as Linda (yet), but I believe that Linda's choices will have a HUGE impact on what path Bonita will follow.

Plus, I really enjoy having all the God's Girls together, they are a wonderful group of girls. Revolve is kind of like a yearly reunion for us. Based on this year, I will focus on inviting as many teens as I can and only a select few of preteens. The tickets are too expensive for girls who are only there for the concerts.

I came home from Revolve relieved, thankful, and hugely burdened. There is so much going on in our church with teen girls getting pregnant and my heart literally started to cry out for these girls. They have to stand strong in ways that none of us can understand. They have internal and external pressures that I can't fathom. They will not make it if they don't trust in the strength of Christ. I literally cried for their hearts, knowing that my tears were expressing the heart of their Father. They are beautiful and so loved...but God will continue to work to develop perseverance in them, and that will not be easy.

In all, the money and time spent was well worth it. God will complete the work He began in them...

And, we had a lot of fun. :)