Bonita has moved in!! She decided last night that with or without Linda, she still wants to live with me, so she has moved in. This is the first time in her life that she will have her own room (although she will have to share it with Gizzy at night, haha). I think she is a little nervous, but pretty excited too. I'm excited!!
I talked with their mom some more today, but she is not yet willing to do what is necessary to change Linda's behavior. Linda got in a lot of trouble at school today and their mom called me for some help. Unfortunately (for her), I can't really do anything. She is the only one with the power to discipline (I can't take the cell phone away). I am praying that she will have the courage to step up soon. She never really has with any of the other kids, and the results are obvious.
So, now I am going to focus on Bonita, and continue to really pray for Linda. I have also decided to look into Cyber School for Bonita. I have been talking to her a lot about what school is like, and its very difficult for her because of the other kids. She said that she spends most of her class time in the hall trying to do her work because the classroom is so loud and disruptive. She gets pretty good grades, but she misses a lot of school because she really doesn't like the environment. She has never once gotten in trouble at school, so I think cyber school might actually work for her. Of course, its going to require a commitment from me, but I think we can do it. I work from home during the day anyway, so I can be here while she is in "school". And, she is old enough to pretty much do it on her own, with me available when she needs help. She has been praying for the chance for years, and talked about it nonstop. I feel like she has shown a lot of maturity and good character in the last few months, so I want to give her a chance. I have been so impressed with how she has separated herself from Linda and not followed now her path, and I want to continue to encourage that. Also, I am hoping that maybe Linda will see Bonita's success and rewards and want to strive for that herself.
Of course, that won't start until the fall, so she still needs to get through this school year. Hopefully the consistency of living with me, as well as the peace that is in my house, will help her with that. I've never had just one kid around before, this could be fun! (Although there is no denying that my heart still aches for Linda. I don't even recognize her sometimes anymore...)
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A Change of Plans with a Heavy Heart
The girls are not going to be moving in with me, and I'm very sad about it...although I can't really say that I'm surprised (unfortunately). They were supposed to move in last night but Linda didn't want to go to church, so they decided to wait until tonight. Then tonight I informed Linda that when she moves in I would be taking her cell phone at night (so she can't stay up all night and text her friends) and giving it back to her in the morning. That apparently was a deal breaker for her and she decided that she doesn't want to live with me. I'm not sure what she thought living with me would be like...
I tried to talk to her about it, and I explained that I was simply trying to make sure she got a good night's sleep, but she wants her phone. So, she won't be living with me. Bonita was totally fine with the rule and is now very angry with Linda. Bonita wants to live with me, but not alone (it would be VERY boring for her without Linda), so Linda's choice made Bonita's as well.
I did get the chance to have a really great conversation with Bonita after talking with Linda (Bonita and I were at Prayer Pals; I talked to Linda on the phone). A friend was borrowing my car so I decided to walk Bonita home (it was a really nice night!). While we walked we talked about the things that are going on in their family (and it is A LOT!), and how she can look to God in the midst of it. We talked about the Prodigal Son and how we can pray that Linda will come back to the Lord...and soon. My heart is so heavy right now...
But she knows that my house is always open.
I talked to their mom a little tonight as well, as she was very supportive of the idea of the girls moving in. She said that Linda is getting in trouble at school and home and really isn't listening to anyone. I tried to tell her that she still has the power...the cell phone is in her name, she can cut it off...but I don't know that she will do anything. She doesn't want her kids to be mad at her, so she is rarely willing to make the really tough decisions. I can't blame her, its not a fun place to be.
So, I'm at home alone now asking God what's next. I would put my feelings into words right now, but honestly I have way more questions than anything. And a lot of lies are floating around in my head, but I refuse to acknowledge them.
So, that was today. The icing on the cake of a pretty long and busy weekend. Some other good things are happening though...
My roommate moved out last weekend and it does really feel good to be living alone again. I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed coming home each night this week and just relaxing. I cleaned the house, which took a long time (and is still somewhat in progress...and caused an injury as Jen's metal bed collapsed on my thumb!), and I feel so much more like myself now. My house is peaceful and clean, for the first time in almost a year!
I also hosted my first (and hopefully last!) baby shower this weekend. I will try and post pictures soon, we (Shera, Bonita, Lindsay and Melissa helped a lot!) worked really hard to make it a good one! (This was the MAIN shower...the one where all the family is invited. Almost 40 people came. Whew!).
Now I have to prepare for an AIM team coming in next week (that I am VERY nervous about!). Once I get through that, I think I will be pretty good, nothing huge to prepare for other than the Broad Street Run. I can't wait until next weekend!!
Oh, and I need to get my newsletter out some time this week...
I tried to talk to her about it, and I explained that I was simply trying to make sure she got a good night's sleep, but she wants her phone. So, she won't be living with me. Bonita was totally fine with the rule and is now very angry with Linda. Bonita wants to live with me, but not alone (it would be VERY boring for her without Linda), so Linda's choice made Bonita's as well.
I did get the chance to have a really great conversation with Bonita after talking with Linda (Bonita and I were at Prayer Pals; I talked to Linda on the phone). A friend was borrowing my car so I decided to walk Bonita home (it was a really nice night!). While we walked we talked about the things that are going on in their family (and it is A LOT!), and how she can look to God in the midst of it. We talked about the Prodigal Son and how we can pray that Linda will come back to the Lord...and soon. My heart is so heavy right now...
But she knows that my house is always open.
I talked to their mom a little tonight as well, as she was very supportive of the idea of the girls moving in. She said that Linda is getting in trouble at school and home and really isn't listening to anyone. I tried to tell her that she still has the power...the cell phone is in her name, she can cut it off...but I don't know that she will do anything. She doesn't want her kids to be mad at her, so she is rarely willing to make the really tough decisions. I can't blame her, its not a fun place to be.
So, I'm at home alone now asking God what's next. I would put my feelings into words right now, but honestly I have way more questions than anything. And a lot of lies are floating around in my head, but I refuse to acknowledge them.
So, that was today. The icing on the cake of a pretty long and busy weekend. Some other good things are happening though...
My roommate moved out last weekend and it does really feel good to be living alone again. I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed coming home each night this week and just relaxing. I cleaned the house, which took a long time (and is still somewhat in progress...and caused an injury as Jen's metal bed collapsed on my thumb!), and I feel so much more like myself now. My house is peaceful and clean, for the first time in almost a year!
I also hosted my first (and hopefully last!) baby shower this weekend. I will try and post pictures soon, we (Shera, Bonita, Lindsay and Melissa helped a lot!) worked really hard to make it a good one! (This was the MAIN shower...the one where all the family is invited. Almost 40 people came. Whew!).
Now I have to prepare for an AIM team coming in next week (that I am VERY nervous about!). Once I get through that, I think I will be pretty good, nothing huge to prepare for other than the Broad Street Run. I can't wait until next weekend!!
Oh, and I need to get my newsletter out some time this week...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Answered Prayers
SO much has happened in the last few days! It all kind of all fits together, so I will do the best I can to make sense of all of it.
First, my roommate, Jen, has decided to move out. She approached me on Sunday and told me that she realized that things weren't working for us to live together, so she is moving out this weekend. She will be moving in with her parents until she can save up enough money to get an apartment in Kensington. She will continue to work at the church, just commute. There is no animosity (on my side...and as far as I can tell on hers as well), its just better if we don't live together.
As you could tell from my last post, I have been pretty worried about Linda. Some people have wanted to write off her behavior as typical teenage stuff, which some of it is. However, it isn't her actions that bother me as much as her attitude and her turning from the Lord. In fact, she stormed out of church on Sunday and walked home because she was mad at me for asking her to put her cell phone away during church. That is the first fight we have ever had. It has brought me to a very desperate place before the Lord, crying out with no idea what to do.
Lent started on Wednesday. I have observed Lent a few times, but not every year. Its kind of a fad thing with me. This year, however, is a bit different. During staff prayer on Wednesday morning J reminded me that the Lord does not desire sacrifice as much as he desires obedience. That hit my heart hard and I immediately stopped praying for God to show me what to do with Linda, and started praying for the courage to simply be obedient.
Wednesday afternoon Linda, Lindsay, Bonita and I went to the Franklin Institute to see the Narnia Exhibit. It only took us about 30 minutes to see the whole thing, but it was really cool. Most of their exhibits are real props from the movie, including the real costumes that the actors wore. You even get to walk through the Wardrobe to get to the exhibit! Linda is really fun at museums, she loves to look at EVERYTHING, so we had a blast.
After the Franklin Institute; Bonita, Lindsay and I went for a 2 mile run (as part of our training for the Broad Street Run). Linda just hung out at the park while we ran. Earlier in the day, at staff prayer, I committed to the Lord that I would use my runs as a time to really focus on praying for Linda. So, that's what I did. As I ran, I plead for Linda. And, as I was praying I started to really see that perseverance is, and will continue to be, necessary in walking alongside people here in Philly.
I believed 6 years ago that God was calling me to a deeper, more personal and intimate...and much more challenging and stretching...relationship with Bonita and Linda. I am in it for the long haul with these girls. There will be periods of 2 mile runs, and periods of 8 miles. Whatever the distance in front of me, I have to keep running.
Bonita and I have both been very consistent with our training and we are seeing improvements. When we started, we did 2 miles in 28 minutes (14 minute mile). On Sunday we did our first 4 mile run, in 55 minutes (13:45 minute mile). Then, on Wednesday we did 2 miles in 26 minutes (13 minute mile). Now, we aren't in the position to be able to keep the 13 minute mile pace for 10 miles, but its still very exciting to see improvements. I also saw my need to persevere for Bonita as well...
Usually when we run, Bonita and I pass each other a lot. We tend to start and finish at the same time, but run at very different paces. She likes to sprint/walk while I try and keep a more consistent pace (although I still walk plenty as well). On Wednesday, however, Bonita decided that she just wanted to beat me. She didn't tell me this, but I figured it out pretty fast. She would constantly look back to see where I was, and if she saw me getting closer, she would speed up. This realization made me run faster, because I knew that would push her even more. And we finished in our best time yet (and yes, Bonita was about 15 seconds ahead of me). :)
When we finished our run, I was feeling very good. Not only did we run our best time yet, but I really felt like I was hearing from the Lord. I didn't have any answers for Linda, but I knew that I had to persevere and continue on.
On the drive home, Linda suddenly decided to be honest with me about things going on in her life. She confessed that she has been lying a lot, getting in trouble at school, not interested in God at all...and she doesn't like it. So, she asked me if she and Bonita could move in with me again. She went on to say that she really wants to get back on track, but its really hard in her house because she doesn't have the same rules that she does in my house. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I told the girls that if they moved in with me they would have bed times, homework requirements, chores and limited internet they said: "Good! We like that!! We don't have any of that in our house and its so hard to know what to do".
I was shocked!! But, I couldn't ignore the timing of all of it...right after Jen moves out and right when I feel the Lord calling me to simply be obedient to Him. When they first moved in with me 4 years ago, I had no explanation for why I was doing it, I just knew it was what God wanted. I felt the same on Wednesday. So, I said yes.
We talked to their mom, who was more than happy to have the girls stay with me indefinitely. They will still see her plenty and will stay with her whenever I need to go out of town...or whenever they want to. Their time at my house is completely their choice.
So, the girls are moving back in next weekend. I need a week to get the house cleaned after Jen moves out, and some time to get the house ready for the girls. They are VERY excited to get to move out of the basement and back into their "old" room upstairs. I am too!!! In fact, I am looking for a trundle bed to put in the room instead of the bunk beds. They got VERY excited about that too. They said it will feel more like a "grown up" room. Let's hope I can find an affordable one...
When I say indefinitely, I am not thinking years...but I honestly have no idea what the time frame will be. My house has always been a place of peace, love and sanctuary for the girls. They have always been welcome whenever, however that was very difficult when I had a roommate. It wasn't Jen's fault, it would have been a challenge with any roommate. So, we are all excited for my house to go back to being that place of peace...for all 3 of us.
I am under no delusions that this will solve everything. I am so thankful that God is teaching me about perseverance because I know that I'm not even half way through this race. I fully expect this time with the girls to include a lot of laughter, and a lot of hard lessons...for all 3 of us. Wednesday was a 2 mile run, Sunday will be 5 miles. And I have made this clear to Linda as well. Moving in with me is not the solution. She still has to make her own choices, and face the consequences of those choices. I am simply hoping to give provide for her an environment where the right choices are a bit more obvious. She will still have to choose, however.
So, we will see how it goes. I don't have any expectations, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.
First, my roommate, Jen, has decided to move out. She approached me on Sunday and told me that she realized that things weren't working for us to live together, so she is moving out this weekend. She will be moving in with her parents until she can save up enough money to get an apartment in Kensington. She will continue to work at the church, just commute. There is no animosity (on my side...and as far as I can tell on hers as well), its just better if we don't live together.
As you could tell from my last post, I have been pretty worried about Linda. Some people have wanted to write off her behavior as typical teenage stuff, which some of it is. However, it isn't her actions that bother me as much as her attitude and her turning from the Lord. In fact, she stormed out of church on Sunday and walked home because she was mad at me for asking her to put her cell phone away during church. That is the first fight we have ever had. It has brought me to a very desperate place before the Lord, crying out with no idea what to do.
Lent started on Wednesday. I have observed Lent a few times, but not every year. Its kind of a fad thing with me. This year, however, is a bit different. During staff prayer on Wednesday morning J reminded me that the Lord does not desire sacrifice as much as he desires obedience. That hit my heart hard and I immediately stopped praying for God to show me what to do with Linda, and started praying for the courage to simply be obedient.
Wednesday afternoon Linda, Lindsay, Bonita and I went to the Franklin Institute to see the Narnia Exhibit. It only took us about 30 minutes to see the whole thing, but it was really cool. Most of their exhibits are real props from the movie, including the real costumes that the actors wore. You even get to walk through the Wardrobe to get to the exhibit! Linda is really fun at museums, she loves to look at EVERYTHING, so we had a blast.
After the Franklin Institute; Bonita, Lindsay and I went for a 2 mile run (as part of our training for the Broad Street Run). Linda just hung out at the park while we ran. Earlier in the day, at staff prayer, I committed to the Lord that I would use my runs as a time to really focus on praying for Linda. So, that's what I did. As I ran, I plead for Linda. And, as I was praying I started to really see that perseverance is, and will continue to be, necessary in walking alongside people here in Philly.
I believed 6 years ago that God was calling me to a deeper, more personal and intimate...and much more challenging and stretching...relationship with Bonita and Linda. I am in it for the long haul with these girls. There will be periods of 2 mile runs, and periods of 8 miles. Whatever the distance in front of me, I have to keep running.
Bonita and I have both been very consistent with our training and we are seeing improvements. When we started, we did 2 miles in 28 minutes (14 minute mile). On Sunday we did our first 4 mile run, in 55 minutes (13:45 minute mile). Then, on Wednesday we did 2 miles in 26 minutes (13 minute mile). Now, we aren't in the position to be able to keep the 13 minute mile pace for 10 miles, but its still very exciting to see improvements. I also saw my need to persevere for Bonita as well...
Usually when we run, Bonita and I pass each other a lot. We tend to start and finish at the same time, but run at very different paces. She likes to sprint/walk while I try and keep a more consistent pace (although I still walk plenty as well). On Wednesday, however, Bonita decided that she just wanted to beat me. She didn't tell me this, but I figured it out pretty fast. She would constantly look back to see where I was, and if she saw me getting closer, she would speed up. This realization made me run faster, because I knew that would push her even more. And we finished in our best time yet (and yes, Bonita was about 15 seconds ahead of me). :)
When we finished our run, I was feeling very good. Not only did we run our best time yet, but I really felt like I was hearing from the Lord. I didn't have any answers for Linda, but I knew that I had to persevere and continue on.
On the drive home, Linda suddenly decided to be honest with me about things going on in her life. She confessed that she has been lying a lot, getting in trouble at school, not interested in God at all...and she doesn't like it. So, she asked me if she and Bonita could move in with me again. She went on to say that she really wants to get back on track, but its really hard in her house because she doesn't have the same rules that she does in my house. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I told the girls that if they moved in with me they would have bed times, homework requirements, chores and limited internet they said: "Good! We like that!! We don't have any of that in our house and its so hard to know what to do".
I was shocked!! But, I couldn't ignore the timing of all of it...right after Jen moves out and right when I feel the Lord calling me to simply be obedient to Him. When they first moved in with me 4 years ago, I had no explanation for why I was doing it, I just knew it was what God wanted. I felt the same on Wednesday. So, I said yes.
We talked to their mom, who was more than happy to have the girls stay with me indefinitely. They will still see her plenty and will stay with her whenever I need to go out of town...or whenever they want to. Their time at my house is completely their choice.
So, the girls are moving back in next weekend. I need a week to get the house cleaned after Jen moves out, and some time to get the house ready for the girls. They are VERY excited to get to move out of the basement and back into their "old" room upstairs. I am too!!! In fact, I am looking for a trundle bed to put in the room instead of the bunk beds. They got VERY excited about that too. They said it will feel more like a "grown up" room. Let's hope I can find an affordable one...
When I say indefinitely, I am not thinking years...but I honestly have no idea what the time frame will be. My house has always been a place of peace, love and sanctuary for the girls. They have always been welcome whenever, however that was very difficult when I had a roommate. It wasn't Jen's fault, it would have been a challenge with any roommate. So, we are all excited for my house to go back to being that place of peace...for all 3 of us.
I am under no delusions that this will solve everything. I am so thankful that God is teaching me about perseverance because I know that I'm not even half way through this race. I fully expect this time with the girls to include a lot of laughter, and a lot of hard lessons...for all 3 of us. Wednesday was a 2 mile run, Sunday will be 5 miles. And I have made this clear to Linda as well. Moving in with me is not the solution. She still has to make her own choices, and face the consequences of those choices. I am simply hoping to give provide for her an environment where the right choices are a bit more obvious. She will still have to choose, however.
So, we will see how it goes. I don't have any expectations, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Anxiety
I am filled with anxiety right now and I have no idea why...and I hate it! I mean, I am busy right now, but not any busier than I usually am, and I'm doing 1000 times better at taking care of myself; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, than I ever have before. So, what's up with the anxiety?? I don't know!!
My trip to South Boston this past weekend was WONDERFUL!! I had a really relaxing trip down and really enjoyed some quiet alone time in the car (about a 7 hour drive). Enterprise gave me a free upgrade on my rental car, so I had free XM Satellite radio, which was awesome. Saturday I got up early and went for a run (I'm up to 3 miles right now. Still can't run it all without walking some...I am NOT a good runner...but I'm not quitting!) and really enjoyed the scenery. My brother lives way out in the country, so I could judge my distance by the few mailboxes I passed. It was so quiet and wonderful!
From there we headed to my brother's gym (yes, the one he OWNS!) and I participated in his "boot camp". Before going he assured me that it wouldn't be too difficult for me. He was wrong. :) I really enjoyed it, but it was definitely a work out! His fiance, Suzanne, participated as well as some of his clients. I felt much better watching them struggle too. My brother knows what he is doing!
So, after barely surviving my "torture by sibling" (as I like to call it), we went to lunch and then just hung out the rest of the day at his house. We watched many episodes of "Friends" on dvd, talked about life, and I enjoyed playing with their dogs (they have 5, I think...maybe more. Its definitely the country!).
Sunday was pretty full of church stuff. First, I attended a breakfast, then went to one of their Sunday School classes. Then there was the actual service, of which I was the main speaker. I was TERRIFIED and really just prayed I wouldn't fall on my face while walking to the podium. Thankfully, I made it up and down the stairs just fine (I took my time, haha), and while I remember a million mistakes I made while speaking, I seemed to get a really great response. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive, which was a huge blessing. They also took me out to lunch after the service, which was really fun. My brother came to the service with me, but didn't go to lunch (he's not very social, haha).
I had to get on the road pretty much right after lunch, although not before my brother created a new workout (weight lifting) routine for me. Monday was day 1 of that routine, and he is NOT going easy on me! :)
So, I left his house a little before 4 and made my way back to Philly. I made really good time, and again had a very relaxing, quiet (I don't get a lot of quiet thanks to my roommate) trip. I even got home early enough to get some good sleep and still get up for spinning on Monday!
It does feel REALLY good to have that "speaking" engagement behind me. I was SO worried about it! But, I still have so much coming up...and for an unknown reason, I am really anxious about most of it.
I am planning a baby shower for one of the teens at church. Unfortunately, because she is a pregnant, unmarried teen, I can't have the shower at church and I am having a hard time finding a place to have it that doesn't cost $500 (or more!). I have a college group coming with AIM in about a month and I have NO IDEA what I am going to do with them during the day. Plus, they are an all guys group, so I have NO IDEA how to spiritually guide them for the week either. Then there is the AIM training I am leading in April, the 100 woman bible study group I am speaking to in May, the Broad Street Run I am training for, the Kids Club and Children's Church lessons I need to plan, and my 30 hour a week part time job.
Okay, so maybe that's where all the anxiety is starting, but I really don't understand why its becoming so overwhelming. I feel like every moment of every day is spent with me asking Jesus to calm my beating heart! Its certainly not bad that I'm talking to Him alot, but it isn't very good that I can't seem to trust Him...
My trip to South Boston this past weekend was WONDERFUL!! I had a really relaxing trip down and really enjoyed some quiet alone time in the car (about a 7 hour drive). Enterprise gave me a free upgrade on my rental car, so I had free XM Satellite radio, which was awesome. Saturday I got up early and went for a run (I'm up to 3 miles right now. Still can't run it all without walking some...I am NOT a good runner...but I'm not quitting!) and really enjoyed the scenery. My brother lives way out in the country, so I could judge my distance by the few mailboxes I passed. It was so quiet and wonderful!
From there we headed to my brother's gym (yes, the one he OWNS!) and I participated in his "boot camp". Before going he assured me that it wouldn't be too difficult for me. He was wrong. :) I really enjoyed it, but it was definitely a work out! His fiance, Suzanne, participated as well as some of his clients. I felt much better watching them struggle too. My brother knows what he is doing!
So, after barely surviving my "torture by sibling" (as I like to call it), we went to lunch and then just hung out the rest of the day at his house. We watched many episodes of "Friends" on dvd, talked about life, and I enjoyed playing with their dogs (they have 5, I think...maybe more. Its definitely the country!).
Sunday was pretty full of church stuff. First, I attended a breakfast, then went to one of their Sunday School classes. Then there was the actual service, of which I was the main speaker. I was TERRIFIED and really just prayed I wouldn't fall on my face while walking to the podium. Thankfully, I made it up and down the stairs just fine (I took my time, haha), and while I remember a million mistakes I made while speaking, I seemed to get a really great response. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive, which was a huge blessing. They also took me out to lunch after the service, which was really fun. My brother came to the service with me, but didn't go to lunch (he's not very social, haha).
I had to get on the road pretty much right after lunch, although not before my brother created a new workout (weight lifting) routine for me. Monday was day 1 of that routine, and he is NOT going easy on me! :)
So, I left his house a little before 4 and made my way back to Philly. I made really good time, and again had a very relaxing, quiet (I don't get a lot of quiet thanks to my roommate) trip. I even got home early enough to get some good sleep and still get up for spinning on Monday!
It does feel REALLY good to have that "speaking" engagement behind me. I was SO worried about it! But, I still have so much coming up...and for an unknown reason, I am really anxious about most of it.
I am planning a baby shower for one of the teens at church. Unfortunately, because she is a pregnant, unmarried teen, I can't have the shower at church and I am having a hard time finding a place to have it that doesn't cost $500 (or more!). I have a college group coming with AIM in about a month and I have NO IDEA what I am going to do with them during the day. Plus, they are an all guys group, so I have NO IDEA how to spiritually guide them for the week either. Then there is the AIM training I am leading in April, the 100 woman bible study group I am speaking to in May, the Broad Street Run I am training for, the Kids Club and Children's Church lessons I need to plan, and my 30 hour a week part time job.
Okay, so maybe that's where all the anxiety is starting, but I really don't understand why its becoming so overwhelming. I feel like every moment of every day is spent with me asking Jesus to calm my beating heart! Its certainly not bad that I'm talking to Him alot, but it isn't very good that I can't seem to trust Him...
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