I Miss Them

I'm sure you have noticed that I changed my Blog Title design. I actually really like it. But, everytime I see the pictures of Pedro and Miguel, I really miss them (they are in Lancaster, PA for the summer).

Just wanted to share that.

Good Things are Happening too!!

In the midst of all the chaos going on (please keep praying because this isn't going to end soon), there are a lot of really great things going on here in Philly.

The most exciting, and most fun for me is Reading Rocks. We started our 4th year of Reading Rocks (at least, I think its been 4 years...) last week and this summer is by far the best one we have had yet! In fact, on Tuesday we had 34 kids show up! You can go to the Reading Rocks page on our website (which is linked above) and get some general info on what it is and how it works. I will try and post a more detailed description of it when I get the chance (or I'll just copy and paste Carisa's posts on How Reading Rocks Works...we'll see how lazy I get, hehe). Basically, the kids come in and read books for an hour, earning points which leads to prizes...and everything culminated in an awesome party in August!

One of my favorite parts about Reading Rocks this year has been our teen tutors. Trust me, I have not said that in past years. This year, though, we have some really awesome younger teens who just last year participated in Reading Rocks and are now serving. Its been so great!!

(recognize that teen?!? I'm still not over the fact that she is a teen!!!)

I would have to say that my favorite part about Reading Rocks this year, though, has been Carisa and Shannon. Carisa developed Reading Rocks and she and I have worked together over the last few years to tweak things here and there and try to make it better. Little did we know that what we really needed was Shannon!! This year we have made a lot of really great changes and the three of us have each taken our own role in Reading Rocks, and so far I feel like we are working together like a dream team!! I LOVE working with other people, especially other women (most of the people I work with are men...who are amazing...but they don't quite get me, haha), and especially women I love and respect; so this team is just amazing!! Laurie, another woman on staff that I love and respect, is working with us as well, though she is away for 2 weeks and we miss her!

I mentioned before that last Saturday we also had our annual Block Party. Well, the fruit from that has been incredible! Literally almost half the kids at Kids Club this week were new visitors from the Block Party! We also had a ton of new people at church on Sunday, and at Teen Club last night!! Praise the Lord! I was SO excited when I left Kids Club on Tuesday night with so many new names and faces!!

And finally, Wednesday my roommate Jen and I took a group of 14 teen and preteen girls on an overnight camping trip. Any of you who know me are probably a little surprised, and that's okay...I am too. I am NOT a fan of camping! However, I am a fan of hanging out with awesome teens and getting out of the city, so I decided to go (well, that and they had to have at least 2 leaders go...and there are only 2 teen girl leaders so I didn't have much choice, haha). When someone asked me how the trip went, I responded; "terrible and amazing". Amazing because we had a lot of fun and all the girls were really open and honest about what was going on in their lives. Terrible because a lot of them have some really horrible things going on in their lives.

We spent most of the day Wednesday laughing in the pool, jumping on a trampoline and playing cards. We laughed a lot and all really enjoyed each other. We spent most of Wednesday night pouring out our hearts. As I listened to each girls story, I found myself saying several times, "Lord, I don't know how much more I can listen to". But, they kept talking, so I kept listening. It was incredible to see the honesty come from these girls, and the love and compassion they were showing one another. We all went to sleep exhausted; physically and emotionally.

I didn't get to stay too long on Thursday (I had to leave early to get back in time for Reading Rocks), but I was there for some more intense sharing, crying and praying. It was amazing and terrible all at the same time. I will tell you that I have the privilege of working with some of the strongest and most beautiful girls (soon to be women) in the world. I found that as I listened to them talk, they gave me strength. God is doing amazing things. I can already see the beauty forming out of the ashes. Thank you Lord.

I can honestly say that with everything going on, I have a million questions, and about 3 of them actually have an answer. With that, though, comes Jesus. I can see Him everywhere, working in the midst of even the hardest circumstances. I don't have any answers, but I have Jesus.

I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed (did I mention that I am also leading an AIM trip in 2 weeks, organizing the Teen Leadership Camp in 3 weeks and trying to prepare for the mission trip that is only 5 weeks away; with God's Girls squeezed on the middle?!), but all of that is just constantly taking me back to Jesus. His words, "I will never leave you or forsake you" are really taking root in my life right now.

This can't be real...

I just did literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. A 12 year old girl that I am very close to (It is NOT Bonita or Linda) told me that her oldest brother, whom I also know, has been molesting her for the last 6 years. I had to call the authorities. What comes next will change everything.

My mind has been racing with possibilities, and I just shut it down. I don't know if that's okay, but its what I have to do. If I think about what happened to her, I won't be there for her. If I think about what will happen to him, I will make all the wrong decisions. I am so desperate for Jesus.

Praise the Lord for the lady that took the report. She was extremely supportive, encouraging and helpful (I still pray I never have to make that phone call again). I shared everything, and she listened. She brought up things that I hadn't thought of (the possibility of STD's), and when I broke down, she just let me. She cares about this little girl and she has never even met her.

Unfortunately, I don't have much faith in the Philadelphia system, so I have no idea what will happen next. The case will be referred to DHS (Department of Human Services), and we'll see what happens from there. Other things have been going on in the home (drinking, fighting, etc), so I am praising God that (hopefully) these things will be dealt with as well.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I won't have an answer for you. All I can tell you is that I am desperate for Jesus. Sick to my stomach, NOTHING else will even come close, desperate for JESUS. That can't be a bad place to be...

Grace and Jealousy

First let me say, I have gotten over myself. My complaining is finished. Whew! The Block Party really was amazing and I will update you on that soon (actually, I will update you whenever Carisa updates her blog, haha. I don't have any pictures, but she does!)

So, a huge issue has come to light in the last few days that I honestly have no idea how to handle, and I don't think I am supposed to. That issue ultimately comes down to jealousy. It started on the vacation when several of the kids accused me of playing favorites with Tasha (the youngest). No one said anything to me until the end of the week, although they had been talking to each other about it all week. Once we talked about it I was able to show them that they weren't seeing the whole picture, but they still struggle. They were (are) jealous.

Since then, several other kids and teens (teens especially) have expressed that they feel like I play favorites with some more than others. Its a difficult thing for me to balance because I am more involved in some of their lives than in others. That doesn't mean I like anyone more than anyone else, it just means that certain people need more at a certain time. What I want all of them to see is that I am here for all of them. I am certainly not perfect, but I am absolutely seeking to do exactly what God calls me to, whatever that is.

Sometimes I think, if they only knew...if they only knew the hours I spent praying for them. The times I gave up what I wanted to do in order to spend time with them. The amount of money I spend on them. The number of tears shed over them. But, I really don't want them to know all of that, because then they would also know the nights I decided to watch TV instead of pray for them. The times I didn't answer the phone when they called because I just didn't want to deal with anything. The amount of money I spend on ridiculous things for myself. The number of times I have criticized and judged them in my head.

I want them to know the good because that makes me feel righteous. I want to hide the bad, though, because that makes me feel worthless.

The truth is, though, that none of this is about me.

I am so thankful that life is not about trying to balance the good with the bad; that would get so exhausting! (Trust me, I keep trying to do it and I keep failing!). Life if really about grace.

In order to teach grace, I need to live it. I need to accept and extend grace at all times. That's what I need to do. I'm not always so great at doing what I need to do.

Here's the thing, I really struggle with jealousy. I am often jealous of people that don't live my life (which would be a lot of people, haha). It's so easy for me to see the world through my eyes only and I get jealous of the people that don't have my struggles and frustrations. And its even easier to blame that on a person and even God.

I read a blog that I LOVE called "Stuff Christians Like". One of the updates today was about banishing the words, "If Only" from the Christian vocabulary. I want to trumpet that cause. That's really what jealousy is. If only...my life was different in some way....everything would be okay. The problem is, that statement is a bold faced lie.

But, that is the statement I believe. I believe that God is providing for everyone else, but not me. That is exactly how these kids and teens are looking at me. They see what I do for someone else and think, "Trish doesn't do that for me. She doesn't care about me.." I've made those exact same statements about God.

So and so has a great husband and great kids...I want that...God loves them more because He provided that for her and not me.

Trish has so and so spend the night, but doesn't invite me. She loves them more.

So and so isn't alone, I am. God loves them more.

And so on and so on.

The truth is, I have made mistakes with these kids and teens, and I will make more. I don't want my life here to be about not making mistakes or even trying to take care of everyone. I want my life to be about loving and following Jesus, and hopefully being a part of others doing the same. In order for that to happen, I have to admit when I fail, but also accept that I won't be able to please everyone. Which means people might not like me, and they might tell other people they don't like me.

I am also aware that a big part of this jealousy is because of other people talking about me. One person gets upset about something I did, and they talk to their friends about it. Then they all agree on what I have done wrong and get mad about it. I know that scenario well; I do it. Too much. Way too much.

I don't think it's a coincidence that we studied Mariam in Sunday School yesterday. (The sermon yesterday also kicked my butt, but I'll talk about that later). The last thing we talked about in Sunday School was the scene where Miriam and Aaron were upset with Moses for marrying a Cushite woman, so they were talking about him behind his back (Numbers 12). They really felt like they were right in their judgment of him. In fact, when God showed up to confront them on their gossip, Miriam was convinced that God was going to punish Moses!

God didn't punish Moses, though. Instead, this is what He said:

He (God) said, "Listen to my words: "When a prophet of the LORD is among you, I reveal myself to him in visions, I speak to him in dreams. But this is not true of my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house. With him I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the LORD. Why then were you not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?" The anger of the LORD burned against them, and he left them.

Whoa!!! Now, I'm not saying that I am Moses or really anything like Moses. What I do get from this is; when God's people are doing what He has called them to do, we don't have to worry about what other people are saying about us, God will take care of that. In fact, after making this statement to Miriam and Aaron, God struck Miriam with leprosy! (she was healed 7 days later)

Here's the deal. Moses was far from perfect. In fact, after this incident, Moses makes one of the biggest mistakes of his life (and that's saying a lot considering he committed murder). Moses reacts out of anger and pride to a certain situation and as a result God doesn't even allow him into the promised land!! So, God's response to Miriam is not because Moses is such a great guy he doesn't deserve to be gossiped about. God's response to Miriam was because she was talking about His son, His chosen servant. What she said didn't matter, it was the fact that she felt like she had the right to say anything bad about him at all.

This gives me hope as much complaining and gossip is being spread about me, and it challenges me, as I like to spread my own opinions as well.

So, as I have been praying about this jealousy thing, I have asked God for several things.

First and foremost, I am praying that He will help me rid my life of jealousy. I want to stop looking around at everyone else and keep my eyes focused on Him. If I'm looking at Him, and seeing myself and my life through His eyes, I have nothing to be jealous of.

Second, I am praying that the kids and teens will do the same. Not look at themselves, or me...but only to Him.

And, I am praying that God will defend His servants from malicious gossip. This means me when I am being gossiped about, and others when I am the one gossiping.

Finally, I am praying I can live a life of grace. I want to freely accept and freely give grace in all circumstances. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for freely given grace...and I never want to forget that.

I'm gonna complain

I know no one likes to hear me complain, which is unfortunate because I certainly like to complain. Nonetheless, I TRY (try being the operative word there) to keep my complaining to a minimum, especially in my blog. Having said that, I must warn you, I am about to complain.

I worked 16 hours on my birthday, as did most of my friends, leaving me no time to celebrate, and no one to celebrate with had I had any time. The day after my birthday I watched a man die on the street. Then today I find out Boyz II Men is performing a FREE concert IN Philadelphia, and I COULDN'T GO!!!!

We had our block party today (which was amazing and a wonderful success), but I spent first half of the day sitting at a table explaining the same thing over and over to hundreds of kids. Then I spent the second half of the day sitting at that same table being yelled at by kids and parents wanting their prizes before we could give them out. Oh, and throughout the day staff were only allowed to eat hot dogs unless we were willing to stand in the pizza line. I am allergic to hot dogs, and was too busy all day to be able to stand in line for anything. So, I ate nothing. Also, Ambassador, one of my favorite Christian artists, performed a concert at the Block Party, but I missed the entire thing. I had to stay at my table guarding and then passing out t-shirts. The block party didn't end until almost 7:30 and by the time we were cleaned up and things were taken care of, it was a little after 9. The concert ended at 9:30.

I know that the block party was NOT about me, and I will get over myself soon, I promise. The Gospel definitely went forth today, and the job I had was a necessary one that I am certainly not too good to do. In fact, my issue isn't really with my role at the block party. It wasn't fun, but it was a blessing just to be a part of the day.

My real problem is, I LOVE Boyz II Men!! If you know anything about me, you know this. When I love something, I REALLY love it. I get passionate about it. And I am passionate about some ridiculous things, and I'm okay with that. There are several things in my life that I absolutely love: Virginia Tech, oranges, mashed potatoes, ice cream, and BOYZ II MEN!

They were the first concert I ever went to, and I have actually seen them in concert twice. I own all of their cd's (including the one that came out this past November) and know all the lyrics to their songs. They are the music I grew up with. The songs I danced to at junior high dances, and at prom. The love songs I listened to when I had a crush, the sad songs I listened to when that crush asked someone else out. Their dedications to Jesus on each album even made God more okay in my eyes in the years before I became a Christian. I LOVE BOYZ II MEN.

And they were here, in Philadelphia. Performing a free concert. That I didn't get to go to. 2 days after my 16 hour work day (also known as my birthday). The day after I watched a man die.

I am sad.

I saw a man shot today...

I saw his seemingly lifeless body (I still don't know if he lived or died) lying in the sidewalk, blood pouring out of bullet holes in his neck. I watched his children standing in the doorway of their house screaming for their daddy. I watched the police arrive, check for a pulse, and literally drag his body into the back of their car and drive him to the hospital. I watched his teenage son scream at the cops, "that's my dad. that's my dad". I may have seen a man die today. Right in front of my eyes.

I also saw the teenage shooter run away scared from the scene. I, along with several others, gave a description of the shooter. The shooting happened at noon today, on a street full of people (it is the 4th). I can't imagine the shooter not being caught. I saw a teenager ruin his life today.

I don't really have words. I honestly don't. So, I'm copying Carisa's blog post (I was with her when this happened). She doesn't really have the words either, but she has more than me. She and her family give me strength. This happened very near her house. Her 2 young sons were standing in the doorway when this happened. She isn't packing up and leaving, so I won't either (actually, I'm not really tempted to. I have found that incidents like this don't create fear in me, but overwhelming sadness. Still, sometimes the sorrow is a lot to take...) Okay, that's all I have for now.

Here is Carisa's post:

Awhile back I wrote a walk out your front door post, and today unfortunately it's time for another one. This is the view today...

Those of you familiar with the area will recognize the cross in the upper right hand corner--that's the Hewitt Center, giving you a good idea of where the photo was taken (I was standing on my doorstep).

Earlier my view was of a teenage male riding away on his bike after shooting a 30 year old father 5 times in the neck. I don't have complete confirmation that he died, but I would be shocked to find out he survived. This is the closest I have ever personally experienced murder, I hope to never be closer, this alone was way to close for comfort. Here's a map of our streets for those of you not familiar with our home...

Trish had been over all morning, we were just chatting--it was great. She went outside to get something for Paxton out of her car and I followed her out with the boys on our heals (thankfully they actually stayed inside of the house). Within less than a minute we heard 5 gunshots, looked at each other, I think both wondered if that was for sure what we heard (but both knew in our guts it was), and then we both saw the shooter run, stumble around to move fast, pick up a bike, and ride away. I just stood there in shock for a moment thinking it couldn't be real, and for a second convinced myself it was just fireworks and a crazy kid riding away because he shot a firework in the middle of the street. Trish ran over to check and unfortunately she was one of the first to see the fallen man, lying alone on the sidewalk, bleeding form the wounds in his neck, not moving. She was the first to call the police and they came before she even hung up.

This whole time Ky and Pax are standing behind me in the house behind the glass door. Paxton is old enough that I had to explain to him what happened. Not something you want to tell your 6 year old, but this is our life and he knows it. He fully understands our role as a missionary family now and knows why we live where we live. We have had many talks lately about this.

The man was rushed away in the back of a police car to the hospital and I haven't heard an update but from what Trish saw, it doesn't seem hopeful. From what we have put together, this is a father of 6, who lives across the street from us, on Shannon's street, Elkhart. A few of his children were outside when it happened and saw their Daddy fall. It was a teenager who did it, I saw him ride away--a very disturbing image in my mind on several different levels.

Obviously I don't even have to write that this is difficult, that my brain and heart are struggling. There are so many different levels of struggle inside of me right now--I couldn't even begin to write them all out. One thing I will say is that this does NOT cause me to fear, it doesn't make me nervous or scared. I rarely feel that in our life here. God provides us with an unbelievable sense of peace and protection in our life, I honestly rarely fear. My struggles are more with sadness, of remembering the reason we serve here, the pain for the children and family of the man, the destroyed life of the teenage shooter, the desperate desire to bring hope to so many kids and families we work with who see this along with us everyday. Who grow up with tragedy like this as being normal. The difference between them and us is that we could leave if we wanted to. Many of them can't.

Please keep this in your prayers, please continue to pray for hope and light to be brought into this community filled with darkness. Please pray for God to work through us in any way He wants.

**Update: The man did not survive. Here is an article written about what happened. Apparently he was shot preparing for his daughter's birthday party.