I'm Sick :(

This will probably be a short update, I have a non stop cough that is driving me crazy! I actually took a day off from AIM (first time taking a sick day!)...mostly because I have to make a lot of phone calls and my voice is very man-like with unexpected coughing fits; not very professional. :)

I did make it to Kids Club tonight, though I didn't teach a lesson (I thought my man-voice might scare the kids, haha). I was actually kinda bummed about that, I was really excited about my lesson. The kids seemed to really enjoy the video I showed (first time I had to show a video as well!). I'll get to teach next week. Anyway, the weather is really bad (snow, freezing rain, sleet) so we only had 27 kids (we average over 80). I kinda enjoyed the small number, but I was completely done by the end of the night. I made it through Kids Club, but came home with a headache and an even worse cough. Ugh.

I also learned today that only overworked missionaries in Philadelphia get sick. At least, that's what my dad thinks. :) He seems convinced that if I lived in North Carolina and had a regular job, I would never get sick. Oh dad... :)

Okay, I think its time for some Nyquil and my bed...

Sidekick

I was so encouraged by a conversation that I had with Carisa tonight. We were talking about how people perceive me, especially here in Philly. People that meet me now see me as the "boss", which I really don't like. What they don't see is that for the last several years, I have been the "sidekick". I never really thought about it that way, but its so true!!

I started working alongside Elizabeth, basically as her sidekick. I did the stuff she couldn't, so that she would be able to do what she was best at. When I moved to staff at Cornerstone, I became Carisa's sidekick. She ran things, was the up front person and I was behind the scenes doing whatever was necessary. I LOVED it! That is the role I feel most comfortable in, which is something you probably wouldn't know if you just met me, since I am definitely no longer behind the scenes.

I spent my first 2 years on staff with several people in the church thinking I was an intern or college student. Even several staff members had no idea what I really did; which was perfectly fine with me. I very much enjoyed staying under the radar. As Carisa put it, I don't care if my name ever ends up on anything.

I started After-School with Carisa. Slowly, she had to back away from that leaving me in charge. I came into Prayer Pals to help Carisa, and as the program grew we realized that I would need to take charge of part of it (now we each have our own nights that we are responsible for). And of course, there is Kids Club. Again, I started as a leader helping Carisa out. Now, I am THE leader. (I am even taking more and more leadership among the teen ministry, especially with the girls as other leaders are stepping back). While these are roles I now feel very called to, they were in no way my goal now even my dream. In fact, I'm still not completely comfortable in them, and I'm not sure I ever will be. In many ways, I think I will always be most comfortable as the sidekick.

That actually brings me to my next point. While I am no longer Elizabeth or Carisa's sidekick, I am still very much a sidekick...God's sidekick. I will be the first to admit that sounds ridiculously corny, but its also true.

As you can read from my last several blog posts, I am learning more and more about just how in charge God really is. And, I am SO GLAD!!

There are several reasons I like being the sidekick:

1) I don't like the attention of being the "up front" person
(God deserves all the Glory anyway!!)

2) I don't like the pressure of being the person in charge
(God has the plan, not me!)

3) I don't like to fail
(God NEVER fails, and redeems EVERYTHING for His glory!)

So, while apparently God feels that I need to be more "up front" than I ever wanted to be, I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not now, nor will I ever be, the one in charge!! :)

Family Vacation

Every year, all the families on staff go on vacations. Its SO necessary to survive here in Philly. As much as well all hate to be away for any length of time, it is always so refreshing to get out of the city.

I don't usually go on vacation. I do get out of the city, mostly to my parents house...which I LOVE! Still, I rarely go on a real vacation. In fact, in my 5 years in Philly, I have only been on 2 real vacations. The rest of the staff go on more vacations in one year than I do in 5!!

My parents don't go on yearly vacations (they save their money for bills, whatever that's about, haha) and as much as I love my brother, I think a vacation with just me, him and his fiance might be a bit awkward. I have been invited to the beach a few times with my cousin, but its usually in the middle of the summer when I really can't leave Philly. So, there aren't really a lot of opportunities for me to go on a real vacation (unless I want to go alone...which I really don't).

Recently I have also realized that I don't just want any vacation, I really want to go on a FAMILY vacation.

I have a family here in Philly...a family of 9 god children that I LOVE and ADORE. I love spending time with them, and my favorite thing to do with them is take them out of the city. I have taken many trips with the kids, and every single one is a wonderful memory. In fact, if I listed my favorite memories over the last 5 years, almost every single one is a time when I took the kids on a little trip. Bonita, Linda, Dario, Luis and I have made several trips to VA to visit my parents and even VA Tech; and ever single one was a blast. Pedro and Miguel even joined us on one trip and it was GREAT!! I took Bonita, Linda, Dario, Luis, Pedro, Miguel and Natasha on their first trips ever to the ocean (at different times), and I still remember every single laugh and squeal (Tasha was the squealer, haha). My day at Kings Dominion in VA with Dario, Luis, Bonita and Linda is second only to the absolute blast I had at Hershey Park with Linda, Monique, Bonita, Tasha, Pedro and Miguel. I know most people will think I am crazy, but I REALLY love all of my kids (Zuley hasn't been on any trips with us yet, but I want that to change!), I REALLY LOVE spending time with them and would LOVE to go on vacation with them!!

So, that's what I'm praying for!!! On my Special Needs page on my website (which was completely updated last night!) I am adding my desire for a family vacation with my Philly Family! I have no idea how its going to happen, but I'm gonna ask God for it and see what He wants to do!! It would be difficult to travel far with that many kids (although nothing is impossible with God!), so I'm thinking a little more local. Pastor Joe's aunt has a beach house on the Jersey shore, so who knows!!

I'm so excited about this idea, I can barely stand it. I wanted to share this with you so that you can pray along side me and will hopefully be excited with me as we see what God has in store!

The Sin and Sorrow of Gomer...and Trish

Recently I have been feeling an overwhelming kinship with Gomer, the prostitute wife of Hosea in the bible. Gomer is not a woman that you necessarily want to relate to. She was a woman full of sorrow constantly battling her own demons, bringing sorrow and sadness to the man that loved her more than she could ever imagine. But, she is also a redeemed woman...in fact, I often see her as THE redeemed woman. She knows the sorrow of sin like few others, and she knows the overwhelming joy of redemption deeper than I ever will.

So, why do I feel a kinship with a prostitute? Probably not for the reason you think...

No, I have NOT been having sex with countless men. Yes, in some ways I have prostituted my spirit out to things other than my God...I think we all do that. I am constantly convicted of the things (both "good" and bad) that I place before my God. However, that's not what brings me close to Gomer. Right now, for me...its my incredible lack of faith and trust in the Lord.

I don't trust Him with my life, much less the lives of the people that I love. I don't trust Him to be in control...I don't trust His sovereignty, I don't trust His plan...when you get right down to it, I don't trust His word; I don't trust Him. I worry all the time about every decision I make- what if its the wrong one? I fret about every step the kids take- what if they go off the path? What will happen then?!?

This has all come to a head recently as I have watched one teen that I love more than words could ever describe battle demons right before my eyes. I feel I can literally watch him taking one step forward and then two steps back...and its killing me. I constantly worry that one of those steps backwards will be the final step to send him right over the edge, never to return.

The truth is, I believe that there is a point of no return. That doesn't line up with scripture at all, but I live my life as if it were true. The bible tells me that God will leave the 99 to go after the 100th sheep that has lost its way. The bible tells me that NOTHING can snatch His people out of His hands, yet I constantly worry about that exact thing happening. The bible tells me that God is ALWAYS sovereign. God IS Love. The bible tells me that love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. That means that GOD always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.

So, the truth is, I worry about God failing. I would never have actually said those words, I masked my fear by worrying that I would fail, or that other people would fail me. But, the reality is...if I really believed the truth about God, then those failures wouldn't worry me because I would know that in the midst of my own or any other failures, God will always persevere. If I believed the truth, then I would know that no matter how many steps backward this teen takes, God is standing at the edge and will not let him fall over.

For all I know, this teen needs to get to the edge so he can fall over, and then be lifted up on eagles wings. For all I know every step backward is actually another part of his testimony that will not only bring him closer to God, but others as well. For all I know...well, lets just say it; I DON'T KNOW!!

I can NEVER give God too much credit. Instead, though, I chose to place the future in my own hands or even sometimes in the hands of the enemy. I worry about him winning battles, yet I know the Lord has already won the victory.

I don't know what God WILL do in every situation, but I know what He CAN do...and the truth is, He CAN do ANYTHING! And as for what He WILL do...well, He WILL do whatever is right. Whether I see it as good or bad, moving forward or backward...its His will...and its perfect. Because whatever happens, it is redeemed.

So, let's go back to Gomer. She went through countless "steps backward".

Here is God's response to one of those times: "So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands. I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts. I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them. I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot," declares the LORD. "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

He not only thwarted her plans, but he then led her away from all those distractions and spoke tenderly to her. Sure, He was angry with her, and her actions needed to be punished...and then REDEEMED.

One other thing to note: During this time of Gomer's sin, her husband, Hosea, never stopped loving her. God asked Hosea if, despite everything, he still loved Gomer. Hosea said yes, and that's when God told him to go get her. Hosea went to get her, and had to pay for her to be released to him.

This brings me hope...for me and this teen that I love. God continues to thwart my plans to control and constantly leaves me desperate for Him; feeling sorrow for my lack of faith and so thankful for His forgiveness. He is speaking tenderly to me, reminding me who He is. Showing me how beautiful and good He is...all the time. He never changes.

And as He reminds me of His goodness, He gives me hope for this teen. Wherever he steps...forward or backward; or even far off the path...God is never far from him. And there is absolutely nothing that this teen can do that can't...or won't...be redeemed.

Gomer was a sinful harlot...who was redeemed. I want to relate to the redeemed Gomer. Oh, and the name Gomer...it means "complete". Because God can see the end of my story, while I see myself as a constant work in progress, He sees me, and the teen that I love, as Gomer...redeemed and complete.

And finally, I want to proclaim this truth over the life of the teen that I love:

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands." ~Psalm 138: 7,8

Disappointment isn't Real

Disappointment isn't real. We are only disappointed because we can only see so far into the future. If we could see what God can see...if we could see the outcome of all of our disappointments, would we ever really be disappointed?

We shouldn't be. At least, if the Bible is true then we shouldn't be. In the Bible, God tells us that He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. ALL things...even the disappointments. Does that change the way you see disappointments?

How disappointed was Joseph when he ran away from temptation, but was still thrown in jail? How disappointed was Joseph when the baker and the cup bearer promised not to forget him (after he basically saved their lives), and then, they forgot him?

Every single disappointment Joseph faced was necessary to put him in the position to be 2nd in command to Pharaoh...necessary to put him in the position to save an entire nation from famine.

How disappointed was Jesus when Peter, His trusted disciple, denied him 3 times? Even after Jesus warned him it would happen?!? How disappointed was Jesus when Judas, another TRUSTED disciple, traded His life for 5 pieces if silver? And again, this happened after Jesus warned him it would happen?!?

Yet, Peter's overwhelming sorrow from those denials led him to NEVER deny Christ again and to share the message and truth of Christ with thousands. Judas' betrayal...well, how necessary was that?!? That disappointment ultimately saved me from Hell.

God can see so much past what we can see. We never want to think of a loving God bringing disappointments into our lives, yet it only makes sense that He would.

Would any loving parent give their child everything they ever wanted? I should hope not.

As much as we don't want our children to suffer; we want even more for them to grow into strong men and women that seek to follow God no matter the circumstance. If that's what we want, then we have to let our children face adversity.

The truth is, everything in this world will eventually disappoint. So, by placing us in this world, has God set us up for failure?

I don't think so. Instead, I think God has set us up for Him.

Have you ever read the book of Job? Especially the last 400 chapters? Okay, maybe 400 is an exaggeration, but the majority of the end of the book of Job is God's answer to Job's big question of, "Why?". Job never doubts or curses God, but he does ask for some answers; why does he have to suffer so much? God's response is basically chapter after chapter of, "I'm God, that's why".

I have always read that to be basically the same as what I have heard from my parents for my entire life; "Because I said so" (And incidentally, I now say that way more often than I would ever admit). And the truth is, "because I said so" is a very valid response. God goes on for chapters reminding Job that He created the heavens and the earth, that He created every living thing, including every man on the earth. So, if He says so, then it should be so.

However, much like my response to my parents when I was a kid, God's answer of "because I said so" has never sat well with me. I accepted it...He is God for goodness sake...but I can't say I ever really liked it. Until tonight. Tonight, when I read it, not with my eyes, but with my heart. With a heart seeking to hear and understand God's heart. And tonight, everything changed.

The words did not change, not a single one. But, instead of hearing, "I created the heavens and the earth, so I can say how things go", I heard...

"I created the heavens and the earth, and I created them perfectly. I existed before time began and I will exist forever, even after this earth fades away. I thought of you before your parents were even born, and I have delighted in you forever. I know every flake of snow that falls from the sky just as well as I know every hair on your head. That is who I am. I know every time your heart beats, and everything that makes it flutter. I have every tear you have ever cried bottled up. I own the cattle on a thousand hills, so money does not trouble me. I know the hearts of man, so man I do not fear. I understand the inter workings of everything on earth, so nothing perplexes me. I know the beginning, the middle and the end of your story. I know where you have been and where you are going. You don't know what I have planned for you, but I know....so you have to trust me with every step. You have to trust the heartaches as well as the joys. I know you and I love you. That's why".

God placed us on this earth to join Him on a journey. Ironically, the journey is toward Him. I have always heard the phrase, "Its not the destination that matters, its the journey". In this case, God is both. God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good.

I may not ever get to see the positive result of every disappointment. I can't point to my lack of a date to my junior prom and say, "Now I see why that happened!". And believe me, there are plenty of other disappointments in my life that seem to have no explanation; yet every one has a purpose. Every single joy and disappointment in my life can be explained very simply:

"I know you and I love you. That's why".

I like that so much better than, "because I said so" :)

New Web Site!!

Hey Everyone! I only have a second, but I wanted to let you know that I have created a website all about me!! :) I have gotten several questions recently from people asking how they can share my ministry with others so, I figured that creating a website was the easiest way for people to meet me and get to know me and my ministry.

So, check it out, HERE!! Let me know if you have any questions, or suggestions!!

I'll write more soon! Thanks!